UnNews:A dingo ate my baby
17 August 1980
Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia;
John Biasedreporter: We're here in Alice Springs with Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton, who says her baby was eaten by a dingo earlier this morning. Lindy?
Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton: I was out on that big-ass rock out near Alice Springs when this damn dingo ate my baby!
John: A dingo, you say?
Lindy: They look all cute from a distance, but they're savage! They should be hunted to extinction, then thrown on the barbie with some shrimp! They're all monstehs! They would probably be delicious with vegemite! Now I'm hungry. Thanks a lot!
John: Alright mate, take it easy now, tell us about it.
Lindy: So, we were camping out on Uluru, crackin' down some brews, when this dingo comes in the tent and fecken grabs Azaria![1] I tell me husband, "The dingo's got moi bay bee!" but 'e just cracks open a beer and keeps eating his kangaroo, jollywomper, and vegemite sandwich! He should be the one on trial here!
John, interrupting: If I coul-
Lindy, continuing: He could have caught up to that monsteh! He's fast! I tried to get to 'em, but e' was just a quick little fuckah! Well, for an Australian at least. Now he's calling me a bitch! What kind of husband does he think he is?!
John: I'm not sure, but tell us what happened when you ran for help.
Lindy: ...
John, worried: You did go for help, right?
Lindy: Yes, but then we go get some other campers to help, and they think that I killed her! I saw the damn dingo take her! They said something about slitting her neck! I would never! What kind of people are they?!
John: Um...
Lindy: I'm scarred for life! My own baby, snatched by a wild beast! Why does this happen to me? Why not those damn curly haired natives? What did I do to deserve this? It couldn't be the camping on a sacred site? Or littering there? Or even yelling at my husband on the way there?
And the police think I'm the one who did it! They just want an answer that doesn't involve doing anything! They think I'm crazy! Do I look crazy?!
John: Quite.
Lindy: I saw it with my own damn eyes! I'm telling you! What? You think I'm crazy?! Murderer? Complete kangaroo shit! Hey! Get your fucking hands off me! Are those handcuffs?! NOOOOO!
...
John: We'll be right back after these messages, brought to you by Jeff's Sandwiches. Come try our Kangaroo-Jollywomper-and-Vegemite Sandwich! Only at Jeff's, 120 Noname Street, Alice Springs.
See also
- ↑ The baby in question.