Julia Gillard

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Always moving Australia forward!
Julia Gillard's Best Moment
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Julia Gillard.

“Look out Kevin, she's got a knife!”

~ Kevin's best buddy on Julia Gillard

“Wha....? Thud”

~ Kevin Rudd on Being stabbed in the back with said knife.

“Moving forward (Excessive hand motions)”

~ fuck it's Julia Gillard

“When I said there will be no carbon tax, I meant no with a silent "K" so you wouldn't Know when the carbon tax will come in.”

~ Julia Gillard on Carbon tax

Julia Gillard (born 29 September 1961) was the 27th, and might have been the last ever Prime Minister of Australia, had it not been for the opposition. She rose to prominence as a Student politician in the Australian Union of Communists and Neo-Nazis, later serving as the Chief of Staff at John Brumby's Bakery and then becoming Pauline Hanson's senior advisor.[1] Her rise in federal politics was mostly aided by her widely noted political skill and her skillful and dexterous use of a switchblade knife. She belongs to the species "headless chooks" a new species discovered by the famous milky-way boy, Kevin Rudd.

Much controversy has been generated by the fact that she is a lesbian, unmarried and a ranga. Take note of the ranga part. The fact that she was a woman had gone largely unnoticed until the 2010 election, where half the population of Australia decided that they would rather vote for a hairy misogynistic monk than see a woman assuming high office on her own accord, (The Australian Civil War, 2010). Focus group research indicated that many people with 'traditional values' were concerned that Gillard would not have time to cook, clean and decorate the lodge and perform her Prime Ministerial duties. It was later revealed that Gillard did none of these domestic chores, placating the concerns of many.

Gillard became the Deputy Great Internal Leader upon the communist party victory in the 2007 Australian Civil War, also serving as Minister for Education, Unmployment, Workplace Relations and Propaganda . On 24 June 2010, after Rudd lost the support of his party and stood aside, Gillard became federal Great Internal leader of the Australian Communist Party (ALP) and thus the Office of Great Internal Leader, the first trans-gender holder of the office.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Gillard was born as a male with extremely sexy legs for a male in 1961 in Barry, Old South Wales, United Kingdom. She under went severe evasive surgery to change her male sexual organ to correspond to her/his legs . After she suffered from bronchopneumonia (a kind of speech disease that causes sufferers to over broaden their vowels), her parents were advised it would aid her recovery if they were to live in Australia. The doctor was lying, there is in fact no known cure for bronchopneumonia, but he believed that at the very least she would blend in, making her adult life at least bearable.The Gillards left New South Wales in 1970 and migrated to Indonesia were she briefly meet and dated a young Barrack Osama i mean Obama. In 1975 The family bought a ticket from Indonesian people smugglers and boarded a boat and sailed south to Christmas island where our "Great Internal Leader" John Howard sent the United States of Australia warship USS Melbourne to intersect. Juila and her family were then imprisoned in the Australian concentration camp where she discovered her love of exposing here breast for favors.eg the Sunday telegrath : boat people story 34,573 : wales whore sucks dick for pizza

Gillard's father worked as a zookeeper (where he met the mother to be of Juilia). She and her sister attended Mitcham school for the results of bestiality, and Julia went on to attend Unley High School. She then studied at the University of Adelaide but cut short her courses after failing law school in 1982 and moved to Melbourne to ruin the Australian Union of Students. She graduated from the University of Melbourne with Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Laws degrees in 1986.

In 1987, Gillard joined the law firm Slater & Gordon at Werribee (hey everyone has to start somewhere), at the Emu age of just 94 yrs old, she backstabbed the (dont get me wrong but absolute fuckheaded) prime minister (Kevin Rudd) and became the first female prime minister, she should be on her knees by the bed or at least in the kitchen giving it a go..

Political provenance[edit | edit source]

Gillard came to power after crashlanding on Earth in the remote regions of the Kalahari Desert that is Werribee. Landing in the western suburbs she ditched her reptilian form, for a human, which, spoke as she does now, like a bogan that has been f***ed up the a**hole one too many times. After spending too much time amongst bogans she adopted what she thought was a generic accent; challenging the previous dictator Kevin 07th to a duel involving thoroughbred racing emu's and slabs of Fosters beer. The principle being first to get cudgelled with a cold one and fall off their emu loses and gets forcefully emigrated to the prison colony of England. After getting off to a good start Kevin unfortunately drank his slab and found himself weaponless. Lacking any other alternatives he was then forced to charge his opponent and may have still won out but fell prey to a half dozen faceless men laboring under the impression it was a free for all. He was last seen getting pummelled with their thick popularity polls. Unfortunately for Australia, a woman now 'rules' the country. This, however, is a false statement because women can't rule countries, especially red-heads.

Julia Firecrotch then moved into Kirribilli castle of minions, the ancestral home of all Ostraya's monarchs and reknowned for its wide moat full of saltwater crocodiles. Her policies include upgrading the countries Broadband network to the same level as ethiopia within 50 years and introducing pain killers to the hospital system. She has now introduced the $32 billion broadband network; the main reason for that is for faster orgasmic pleasure in watching Nick Riewoldt take off his underwear, and gag his mum, of course this can only be speculated, due to the circulating rumours about sex changes and other things that have been rumoured in her life.

Rise to Power[edit | edit source]

Gillard is well known for her rise to power using a techniques known as "Leadership Spill" in the local language, this roughly translates as "Backstabbing". This simply means that Australia went to sleep on Thursday night and woke up on Sunday morning with a new leader. This is not entirely unprecedented, as Cough Whitlam died to a similar death at the hands of Malcom Fraser. The certain threat Gillard has also imposed upon the world is also a factor in her universal domination over all political matters. This threat is generated by the recent upension of the balance of things in the world which results in catastrophe such as the Sichuan earthquakes, the Auckland earthquakes, Barbra Streisand's sudden impluse to revert to her original form, which in turn brought the reincarnation of Godzilla, the sudden surge of sex addiction in celebrities such as Mel Gibson and David Letterman and finally, Andrew Hansen's haircut.

"Nose of the Decade"[edit | edit source]

The most prominent feature of Gillard at first glance is definitely her oversized nose. The size of her nose alone has made headlines in The Courier Mail and The Sunday Mail, and has made the cover page of Woman's Day magazine on several occasions. It is a well known fact that her sense of smell is stronger than that of a normal human, but the extent of how strong it actually is has not yet been confirmed; although, theories and rumours have it that she is able to smell if Tony Abbott is within a 10 kilometre perimeter of her whereabouts.

With her nose being a prominent and influential feature about her, she has been compared to many animals with similar looks. Some of these include: the Anteater, the Pelican, the Devil, a regular Cow or just any Bird species in general. But in August 2010, Gillard stepped forward and revealed the truth about herself, where she admitted being half human, half Toucan – where her father was a Toucan and her mother was a regular human. This confession was easily understood as her massive nose and all other features about her added up.

Lois Griffin, Family Guy character, has been created in her image, with an oversized triangle-shaped nose, red-coloured hair and nothing but a bitchy way about her.

The Coup[edit | edit source]

Gillard was most displeased with how Ruddy was doing with the people, as people were turning away from the Labor party and to her arch nemesis, the epic Tony Abbot, with whom she constantly flirted over dating sites, she could not fathom the idea of a bicurious Christian in charge of Australia, so began the idea for the coup.

Two weeks before the coup, she issued out pamphlets to each senate member, to organise a secret meeting, the pamphlet is believed to have said:

Major pimps in the party like Wayne Swann immediately confessed their support, and by 15th June 2010, "The Big Rudd-o" had become suspicious, and tortured many MPs before his suspicions were confirmed; he was about to get a major nail in his anus.

On the 23rd of June, Gillard put her plan in to motion, she indeed showed her boobs to the MPs who supported her, and thus the march on Parliament House was conducted, and within 15 minutes, the Prime Minister was captive in his own Parliament.

Not much is known of what transpired between the time he was captive, and the 24th, when he resigned, but it is believed that she threatened to sell him off to Taiwanese poachers, as she claimed "Dawg you look like a Proboscis Monkey with a permanent erection".

Personal life and views (copied and pasted from Wikipedia)[edit | edit source]

Gillard's partner since 2006 is an Orangutan. She has the same problem that Kevin Rudd had; she had trouble telling the gender of her partner. She has also previously slept with union officials Michael O'Connor and Bruce Wilson and fellow Federal Labor MP Craig Emerson.[Girl Power!] She has never married and has no children.[Thank God - less rangas in the world!]

Gillard was brought up in the Baptist tradition, but is a atheist. In a 2010 interview when asked if she believed in God, Gillard stated in typical doublespeak: "No I don't ... I'm not a religious person ... [I'm] a great respecter of religious beliefs but they're not my beliefs." However, she has notably read paragraphs from the Christian bible to the public about "how gays are not allowed to marry here in Australia". Australians are so far outraged at this behaviour, and some have even plotted her assassination (however, there have been no attempts. All plans therefore must be fictional).

Gillard has recently claimed that she is not in a relationship. She opts to mate with her fellow species of Kenyan Orangutan.

She is the sexiest human being alive and should be respected.

She owns a taxpayer-funded mansion in the southwestern Melbourne suburb of Altona and is a public supporter of the Western Bullshits Australian football club despite their denials to the contrary.

According to Australian Government icons such as Bob Hawke and Harold Holt (speaking from China), Gillard is closet Lesbian. It has been said that her and cabinet member Penny Wong enjoy ganging up on Gillard's "partner" and fighting over who gets to pegg him.

Gillard was caught doing the shuffle on live television in late June, 2012.

Career as a Stand-Up Comedian[edit | edit source]

Other than her many achievements as a politician Julia Gillard is also known for her various toe-dips into the pool of comedy, most notably with her buddy Tony Abbott. Gillard and Abbott worked for many years to develop their unique stand-up routine, which they eventually presented to Parliament on December 1st 2009.

Excerpt from 'Julia and Tony Live'

Julia: we're going to go over there and do this and it'll be great

Tony: no we're not

[end of discussion]

Many members of the Liberal/Homosexual/Feminist alliance were at first shocked by the misogynistic undertones of the routine. However, they were soon overwhelmed by Tony Abbott's alpha-dog physique and hypnotically-reptillian smile, which turns even fanatical, castrating Germaine Greer fans into the sort of women that wear Australian flag bikinis to all aquatic occasions and become particularly promiscuous on Australia Day.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. It wouldn't be surprising if the two were related: Pauline Hanson's career was in food service before she moved over to politics. Then it changed to mud service.