Julia Gillard
 Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate! |
“Look out Kevin, she's got a knife!”
“Wha....? Thud”
“Moving forward (Excessive hand motions)”
“When I said there will be no carbon tax, I meant no with a silent "K" so you wouldn't Know when the carbon tax will come in.”
Julia Gillard (born 29 September 1961) was the 27th, and might have been the last ever Prime Minister of Australia, had it not been for the opposition. She rose to prominence as a Student politician in the Australian Union of Communists and Neo-Nazis, later serving as the Chief of Staff at John Brumby's Bakery and then becoming Pauline Hanson's senior advisor.[1] Her rise in federal politics was mostly aided by her widely noted political skill and her skillful and dexterous use of a switchblade knife. She belongs to the species "headless chooks" a new species discovered by the famous milky-way boy, Kevin Rudd.
Much controversy has been generated by the fact that she is a lesbian, unmarried and a ranga. Take note of the ranga part. The fact that she was a woman had gone largely unnoticed until the 2010 election, where half the population of Australia decided that they would rather vote for a hairy misogynistic monk than see a woman assuming high office on her own accord, (The Australian Civil War, 2010). Focus group research indicated that many people with 'traditional values' were concerned that Gillard would not have time to cook, clean and decorate the lodge and perform her Prime Ministerial duties. It was later revealed that Gillard did none of these domestic chores, placating the concerns
Julia Gillard is a prominent Australian politician who made history as the first transgender person to hold the position of Great Internal Leader in the Australian Communist Party (ALP). Gillard's journey to the top was a long and winding road, marked by many successes and challenges along the way.
Gillard first entered politics as a member of the ALP, serving as Deputy Great Internal Leader and holding multiple ministerial portfolios including Education, Unemployment, Workplace Relations, and Propaganda. Her expertise in these areas earned her a reputation as a hard-working and dedicated politician, and she quickly rose through the ranks of the party.
In 2010, the ALP faced a crisis when Kevin Rudd, the then Great Internal Leader, lost the support of his party and stepped down. Gillard saw an opportunity and seized it, announcing her candidacy for the position of Great Internal Leader. Her campaign was marked by controversy, with some critics questioning whether a transgender person could lead a major political party.
However, Gillard was undeterred. She ran a powerful campaign, emphasizing her experience and achievements in the ALP, and won the support of the party's members. On 24 June 2010, she was elected as the federal Great Internal Leader of the ALP, making history as the first transgender person to hold the position.
As Great Internal Leader, Gillard implemented a number of significant policies, including reforms to education and employment, and improvements to workplace relations. She also oversaw the party's propaganda efforts, which earned praise for their effectiveness and innovation.
Despite facing criticism and backlash from some quarters, Gillard's tenure as Great Internal Leader was marked by numerous achievements and milestones. She paved the way for other transgender individuals to enter the political arena and shattered the glass ceiling in a male-dominated field.
Today, Julia Gillard is remembered as a trailblazer and a role model, and her legacy continues to inspire people around the world. Her story is a testament to the power of hard work, determination, and resilience in the face of adversity.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Julia Gillard was born as a male in 1961 in Barry, Old South Wales, United Kingdom. After undergoing gender reassignment surgery, she moved to Australia with her family to aid in her recovery from bronchopneumonia. While living in Indonesia, she briefly met and dated a young Barack Obama. In 1975, her family boarded a boat and sailed to Christmas Island where they were intercepted by the USS Melbourne sent by Prime Minister John Howard. They were then imprisoned in an Australian detention camp.
Gillard's father worked as a zookeeper where he met her mother. She attended Mitcham School and went on to study at the University of Adelaide before moving to Melbourne to work for the Australian Union of Students. She eventually joined the law firm Slater & Gordon and became involved in politics, eventually becoming the first transgender Great Internal Leader of Australia after a political coup against Kevin Rudd.
Political provenance[edit | edit source]
Gillard came to power after crashlanding on Earth in the remote regions of the Kalahari Desert that is Werribee. Landing in the western suburbs she ditched her reptilian form, for a human, which, spoke as she does now, like a bogan that has been f***ed up the a**hole one too many times. After spending too much time amongst bogans she adopted what she thought was a generic accent; challenging the previous dictator Kevin 07th to a duel involving thoroughbred racing emu's and slabs of Fosters beer. The principle being first to get cudgelled with a cold one and fall off their emu loses and gets forcefully emigrated to the prison colony of England. After getting off to a good start Kevin unfortunately drank his slab and found himself weaponless. Lacking any other alternatives he was then forced to charge his opponent and may have still won out but fell prey to a half dozen faceless men laboring under the impression it was a free for all. He was last seen getting pummelled with their thick popularity polls. Unfortunately for Australia, a woman now 'rules' the country. This, however, is a false statement because women can't rule countries, especially red-heads.
Julia Firecrotch then moved into Kirribilli castle of minions, the ancestral home of all Ostraya's monarchs and reknowned for its wide moat full of saltwater crocodiles. Her policies include upgrading the countries Broadband network to the same level as ethiopia within 50 years and introducing pain killers to the hospital system. She has now introduced the $32 billion broadband network; the main reason for that is for faster orgasmic pleasure in watching Nick Riewoldt take off his underwear, and gag his mum, of course this can only be speculated, due to the circulating rumours about sex changes and other things that have been rumoured in her life.
Rise to power[edit | edit source]
Gillard is well known for her rise to power using a techniques known as "Leadership Spill" in the local language, this roughly translates as "Backstabbing". This simply means that Australia went to sleep on Thursday night and woke up on Sunday morning with a new leader. This is not entirely unprecedented, as Cough Whitlam died to a similar death at the hands of Malcom Fraser. The certain threat Gillard has also imposed upon the world is also a factor in her universal domination over all political matters. This threat is generated by the recent upension of the balance of things in the world which results in catastrophe such as the Sichuan earthquakes, the Auckland earthquakes, Barbra Streisand's sudden impluse to revert to her original form, which in turn brought the reincarnation of Godzilla, the sudden surge of sex addiction in celebrities such as Mel Gibson and David Letterman and finally, Andrew Hansen's haircut.
"Nose of the Decade"[edit | edit source]
The most prominent feature of Gillard at first glance is definitely her oversized nose. The size of her nose alone has made headlines in The Courier Mail and The Sunday Mail, and has made the cover page of Woman's Day magazine on several occasions. It is a well known fact that her sense of smell is stronger than that of a normal human, but the extent of how strong it actually is has not yet been confirmed; although, theories and rumours have it that she is able to smell if Tony Abbott is within a 10 kilometre perimeter of her whereabouts.
With her nose being a prominent and influential feature about her, she has been compared to many animals with similar looks. Some of these include: the Anteater, the Pelican, the Devil, a regular Cow or just any Bird species in general. But in August 2010, Gillard stepped forward and revealed the truth about herself, where she admitted being half human, half Toucan – where her father was a Toucan and her mother was a regular human. This confession was easily understood as her massive nose and all other features about her added up.
Lois Griffin, Family Guy character, has been created in her image, with an oversized triangle-shaped nose, red-coloured hair and nothing but a bitchy way about her.
The coup[edit | edit source]
Gillard was most displeased with how Ruddy was doing with the people, as people were turning away from the Labor party and to her arch nemesis, the epic Tony Abbot, with whom she constantly flirted over dating sites, she could not fathom the idea of a bicurious Christian in charge of Australia, so began the idea for the coup.
Two weeks before the coup, she issued out pamphlets to each senate member, to organise a secret meeting, the pamphlet is believed to have said:
| “ | If you want to see my boobs, come here and support me. | ” |
Major pimps in the party like Wayne Swann immediately confessed their support, and by 15th June 2010, "The Big Rudd-o" had become suspicious, and tortured many MPs before his suspicions were confirmed; he was about to get a major nail in his anus.
On the 23rd of June, Gillard put her plan in to motion, she indeed showed her boobs to the MPs who supported her, and thus the march on Parliament House was conducted, and within 15 minutes, the Prime Minister was captive in his own Parliament.
Not much is known of what transpired between the time he was captive, and the 24th, when he resigned, but it is believed that she threatened to sell him off to Taiwanese poachers, as she claimed "Dawg you look like a Proboscis Monkey with a permanent erection".
Personal life and views (copy/pasted from Wikipedia)[edit | edit source]
Gillard's partner since 2006 is an Orangutan. She has the same problem that Kevin Rudd had; she had trouble telling the gender of her partner. She has also previously slept with union officials Michael O'Connor and Bruce Wilson and fellow Federal Labor MP Craig Emerson.[Girl Power!] She has never married and has no children.[Thank God - less rangas in the world!]
Gillard was brought up in the Baptist tradition, but is a atheist. In a 2010 interview when asked if she believed in God, Gillard stated in typical doublespeak: "No I don't ... I'm not a religious person ... [I'm] a great respecter of religious beliefs but they're not my beliefs." However, she has notably read paragraphs from the Christian bible to the public about "how gays are not allowed to marry here in Australia". Australians are so far outraged at this behaviour, and some have even plotted her assassination (however, there have been no attempts. All plans therefore must be fictional).
Gillard has recently claimed that she is not in a relationship. She opts to mate with her fellow species of Kenyan Orangutan.
She is the sexiest human being alive and should be respected.
She owns a taxpayer-funded mansion in the southwestern Melbourne suburb of Altona and is a public supporter of the Western Bullshits Australian football club despite their denials to the contrary.
According to Australian Government icons such as Bob Hawke and Harold Holt (speaking from China), Gillard is closet Lesbian. It has been said that her and cabinet member Penny Wong enjoy ganging up on Gillard's "partner" and fighting over who gets to pegg him.
Gillard was caught doing the shuffle on live television in late June, 2012.
Career after politics[edit | edit source]
After retiring from politics, Gillard pursued a surprising new career in the music industry.
In 2015, Gillard formed a boy band called "The Carbon Tax Boys" with a group of rowdy young men from the ALP. Their debut single, "Emissions of Love," was a hit with the eco-friendly crowd, and they quickly gained popularity performing at various gigs and festivals at Marrickville NSW.
As the band's manager and lead singer, Gillard brought a unique perspective to the music industry. She even penned her own provocative songs, including "The Budget is Tight (But So Am I)," which earned her a reputation for raunchy lyrics and provocative dance moves. [2]
Despite the band's initial success, tensions arose among the group, and Gillard found herself refereeing childish arguments over who got to be the lead singer. In the end, the group disbanded due to "creative differences."
But Gillard didn't let that stop her from pursuing her passion for music. She released a solo album titled "A Prime Minister and Her Microphone," featuring her signature provocative style.
Gillard's unexpected career move surprised many, but she remained unapologetic about her foray into the music industry. When asked about her wild ride, she famously quipped, "Who knew a former prime minister could still turn heads? I guess I was just too sexy for politics!"
Gillard's brief stint as a musician may have been short-lived, but it left an indelible mark on the Australian music scene, and proved that even former prime ministers can pursue their dreams.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
| The author of this article doesn't care at all if you edit it – heck, your stuff is probably funnier than theirs. |