“He's one of those people who will never die.”
“He's my brother, man, you know, we almost got the same name, you know, man, we regularly get together and smoke each other's dead skin cells, you know, man...”
Sir Clifford Richard, more commonly known as Baron Cliff Richard or the Peter Sutcliffe of Pop, or God's 'other' Son Born around the Roman Empire, is a blatant British carbon copy of the American rock'n'roller Elvis Presley who has sold 250 squillion records in his homeland of Great Britain. He is the only rock star of genuine geological significance, having been hewn from the famous White Cliffs of Dover, hence his first name. Despite his basic chalk/limestone composition, he still manages to sing reasonably in tune, jiggle about on stage, and sign autographs for fans. He is also currently married to former Prime Minister Sue Barker.
He had continual number ones in the 1950s, '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s but sadly not the '00s (yet). It is rumoured that this is entirely due to his hatred of the term "Noughties", which suggests lewd activities that are not condoned by his religion. Cliff however, does not, has not and will not ever indulge in lewd activities of any kind, although he once appeared in a film called Swingers' Paradise. Cliff's main fanbase consists of middle aged women, an overweight Iranian man named Jerimabad and occasionally by men called Chris and girls called Nikki!
Richard was discovered just after lunch in Dover, Pakistan, by the Anglo-Indian explorer Harry Webb in 1914. Webb immediately realized that this Cliff was like no other, being slightly more porous and resonant than its neighbours. Webb brought up the young Cliff as his own son, visiting him twice a month and ensuring that sea and salt-air erosion was kept to a minimum. However, Cliff did not yet have any discernible features and therefore was not yet cut out to have a huge anus.
In 1924, on a Thursday, Webb enlisted the services of a cliff-sculptor, Barry Belafonte III, who charged 12 English guineas upfront and then set to work on Cliff Richard with a chisel and a box of cheese sandwiches to keep him going. Cliff responded well, and on the third day he began to speak through quivering lips. Legend has it that he immediately recited The Lord's Prayer in a rock stylee to Belafonte, though this is unconfirmed by any of the biographies sitting unsold in bookstores across the world.
Richard had his first UK chart hit in 1958 with Move It, whose self-penned lyrics were a challenge to the strongest men in the world to try to shift his 700-metre, 450,000-kilo body. Nobody took up the challenge. Since he became a star, his clothes have always been made by Christo, the foreign artist who specializes in wrapping buildings, and are usually tasteless imitations of Elvis's Sunday-best jumpsuits. Cliff is known to have been a regular drinker at the marvellous Beaver & Cucumber pub in London.
Funny Beliefs and Major Life Events
In 1961, Richard publicly and controversially adopted the new religion of Blowerism, whose followers use the old red telephone boxes of Merrie England as intimate private temples. It was widely rumoured that this was a PR stunt to quell accusations that he was a voodoo practitioner after he had a monster hit with the song Livin' Doll and became friendly with the British band The Zombies.
Prior to his ruby wedding anniversary, Cliff Richard met Bill Cosby on an abseiling trip. After a few too many cherry tequilas, Cosby intimated that he named his character in the Cosby Show, Cliff Huxtable, after Cliff Richard. Sir Cliff was so simultaneously proud and horrified that he jammed a fork in his eye, accounting for his current inability to throw himself around on and off stage.
In 1969 Richard was again in the public eye when he was arrested for his part in the war-crimes of the Khmer Rouge. The prosecution hung entirely on the testimony of a lone surviving village Li-Ying-Fat-Kow. Sadly, some six weeks before the court date, Li-Ying-Fat-Kow committed suicide by nailing herself to a cross, cutting the word 'grass' into her chest and then hanging herself. The case was closed and Richard exonerated of any involvement.
Twenty six years after the arrest, Richard admitted (in an interview with Esquire magazine) that he had, during his time in Cambodia, amassed a collection of human ears, which he turned into a necklace. He refused to say how he had come across the ears, saying only, "I found them, and as everyone knows... Finders keepers!"
In his bestselling autobiography, Disco Hobbit, the singer Leo Sayer would go on to claim that Richard had shown him a large throne made entirely of human skulls during a party at his mansion. Richard would later deny this, claiming that Sayer was under the influence of quaaludes throughout the visit, and was likely to make up "any old s**t".
Did we mention that Cliff is gay?
Richard was knighted in 1971 by Her Majesty the Queen for looking remarkably unweathered despite his great age. It was at this stage that the sobriquet "the Captain Hook of Pop" began to be popularized in pubs by old ladies and policemen. In 2001, Richard stopped play at Wimbledon by invading the legendary tennis courts to sing his greatest hits, accompanied only by a monkey with a pink harmonium. The result was a sudden rainstorm.
What's he up to now?
Rumoured to be a former member of AC/DC in denial, Richard now divides his time between the Dover seashore and a home for the elderly in Basingstoke, Hampshire, where he makes jam and stares out of the window waiting for death. Just like Elvis, he made rubbish movies a long time ago and had a manager with a funny twinkle in his eye. He hasn't had a hit since the last one, his 14th Christmas record, "Put That Holly Where The Sun Don't Shine (Or I'll Do It For You)", in 2003. By all accounts he's a nice guy and is pleasant to his servants.
Richard is famous for his public reticence about his colostomy bag. It was fitted some time after his 93rd birthday and, to prevent spoiling the line of his white Sergio Tachini tracksuits, he stores it in his shoe. During a recent "impromptu" performance, at the Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children, Richard gave a rousing cover of 'Prince Charming', originally a hit for solo singer/songwriter Adam Andtheants. Sadly, he crowned the number by marching down the ward in imitation of Mr. Andtheants' famous Prince Charming Dance and, upon slamming his foot to the ground, doused several small children in a curdled blend of his own excrement and urine, as well as some of Sue Barker's that he claimed to be "just looking after for her". As a gesture of goodwill, Richard agreed to pay to have the children burned.
Recently he has been in talks to star as his uncanny lookalike, Mahatma Gandhi, in a new Z-movie entitled "Gandhi 2: The Homosexual Years". Apparently, Richard has expressed a lot of interest in the movie, if only for the fairy-like content.
In june 2010 Cliff was put into the care of Hank Marvin, who upon entering Cliffs room with his lunch had found he had escaped, Cliff was recovered 9 hours later after heckling and running on stage of the Elvis impersonator in the local WMC
Record albums, 1959-2007
1959 Jump off a Cliff
1961 Carve His Face With Pride
1963 Can-Utility and the Coastliners
1963 Rock Around The Dock
1964 Harry Webb Found Me
1965 Finders Keepers
1967 Winters Are Unbearable Here
1968 I Can Feel the Waves
1969 The Best of Cliff
1969 The Worst of Cliff (triple album)
1970 Live At The Rainbow
1972 The Best of Cliff, Volume 2
1974 Cliff Goes Glam Rock
1977 Cliff Goes Punk
1977 I Can't Think of a Title
1979 Day Trip to Basingstoke
1981 Cliff Goes Electro
1987 My Five Years of Obscurity
1988 Straight Outta Compton (feat. NWA)
1991 I'm Still Here
1995 Cliff Michelmore
2000 Much Bigger than Elvis
2003 My 14 Christmas Songs (Guinness Book of Records release)
2004 Jingle Bells in the Stable with Mary and Jeebus
2007 Pass the Myrrh on the Left-Hand Side
2008 Suffering From Facial Erosion: Live at Monsters of Jesus, Dunwich 4/6/1297
2008 I'm Still Alive!
2012 I've Travelled into the Future in a Time Machine, Met Jeebus and Come Back to Tell You All the Wonderful News
2012 Guess What - The Olympics Went Over Budget
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