Jamiroquai

“In soviet Russia, underground is going deeper in Jay Kay.”

~ Russian reversal on Jamiroquai

Jay Jay was a strange fellow.

Jamiroquai (pronounced /dʒəˈmɪrə'kwakwakwa'aiaiai/) is British funky-smelling jazz band on bad acid. The band was formed in 1992. by a hippie/yuppy bastard, self-named Jay Kay. Of course, as a young child he always wanted to be called that way, if he would ever become an artist. But because of the humiliation from his (f)art project, he hid his identity under the band name Jamiroquai (no 'boo boo' for 'Jay Jay'). Despite of his masochistic music, the band sold over 25 million albums world-wide. Around 24 million albums were bought by Jay Jay alone.

“ It was the best investment I made. All the CDs were afterwards donated to the dolphins in the sea (which I 'love' so much), since they all got old sony's cd players deep in the sea ”

— Jay Jay

The rest of 1 million albums were bought by Chinese karaoke manufacturers. Only one brave business man had the balls to explain that stupid act by saying: "In our great shitty, everybody can shing his shongs".

Jay Jay

Jay Jay was a strange fellow, born in England. His real name was JASON. At his birth, he flew out from his stepmother's uterus with some strange mask on his head. Today he calls it 'headgear'. That was the time when he started fooling himself he was just cool. Mentally stable people surrounding him, however, started cooling themselves he was just a fool.

His real mother stole him from his stepmother, and said in court: "You are treating my Jay Jay like a bastard, he.. well, to me.. he is like a son to me". The judge said: "Mrs. Step Mother, when you start treating your step-son like a real son you will be granted a permission to visit him. Mrs. Real Mother, you obviously love your real son. You are treating your real son like.. like he is a son to you. That's what really matters."

ANYWHO, Jay Jay was a very strange fellow, when he was 20yo he found out more weird shit about himself. He just loved environment. Well, at least he thought he loved it. What he loved was his own smell, tidy house, clean clothes, etc. He was the kind of a guy, who was protesting alone just to prove his stupid point. Once he protested in front of the mud hole right near the BP headquarters with his little sign, saying: "NO MORE MUD!!!" and shouting: "There is more and more mud on the earth every day. What will you wear when all of your clothes get muddy?" After that, the BP CEO gave him some spanking.

Well, Jay Jay was really a very strange fellow. What he really loved was animals. He used to say: "I love elephants and dolphins and lions and jaguars and Ferraris and Maseratis and Mercedess and SUVs". That boy just loves the nature.

Public relations

Jay Jay is a really nice and very generous person. He loves people, especially reporters, paparazzis and annoying fans, he can handle 'em all (POKEMOOON!). In 2001, Jay Jay was charged with too much hugging fellow reporters, and gently putting his camera on the ground, in front of a "real gentleman's" night club, because he was not drunk nor drugged. He didn't get the "too much love" punishment because he told them that none of said is true. So, although he deserved the punishment, his loyal fans actually think that there is nothing wrong with that.

Headgear addiction and other psychological issues

“ I AM TOO SPECIAL FOR REGULAR HATS, SO MY MOMMY IS MAKING ME A HEADDRESS! ”

— Jay Jay

Yes, it's true – his condition is called a never-nude head. The reason he likes wearing that hat is strictly psychological. Deeply in his unconsciousness he realizes how stupid he is, so by wearing hats he tries to hide that flaw. Sadly, Freud is dead, so I will never get the full scientific support on these matters, but than again Freud would probably also say some taboo mumbo jumbo on relationship between our Jay Jay and his mother, which will never be supported by Jay Jay's blind followers, Jung's blind followers and other idiots.

Also a "high"-class debate between me and my associates is going on at this time. The theme is also Jay Jay's hat wearing problem. This time we are arguing about a possibility of physical health issues. Just think of poor Jay Jay who is wearing hats just for the health reasons. Figure it on your own: $emptyhead+wind=cold=brainfreeze=hideousmusic=badsinging=stupidpersona=asshole$

Then, he yelled: "AHHA! I SHALL WEAR A HAT!". After that our debate was disturbed with a THC dominance over us, and the Jamiroquai albums that were confiscated, were mysteriously playing on our computer, and we listened it for hours and hours. YUUUCK! Don't smoke pot, kids! It's really bad for your mental health and your artistic taste.

Real reason for Jay Jay's hat-wearing problem

As Jay Jay (real name: JASON) was born, he had a mask on his head. The reason for that is the doctor who was delivering him, would be too petrified by his ugly face he wouldn't slap his butt. Thanks to the mask, everything went well. But after a few years Jason was having some breathing problems. He wouldn't live long with a mask, so his mother let him remove the mask. The people seeing his face were puking and dying, over and over again. So, his mother had an idea, so she said: "I have an idea!". And she made a gross hat and put it on his had. And everything got better, people couldn't look at his face, because of the disgusting hat on his head. He didn't just live normal, he even got famous after that. The hat didn't just hide his face, it hid his lack of talent and lack of intelligence. He still wears the hats, but needs to change them a lot, because fans sometimes get bored by the same hat, so they get courage to look at his face. YUCK!

Jamiroquai band members

As for the rest of Jamiroquai, as it is, after all, a band. That band consist of very talented, virtuoso, extraordinary, and ventriloquist musicians. Talented, extraordinary and virtuoso players, as you might have guessed, doesn't include Jay Jay ("that makes a Jay Jay a very saaad Jay Jay"). The other band members are pretty good. Here we have Toby Smith magnificently playing the keyboards. His powers are to play the keyboards with a claw-hammer, and play piano with pedals only. Also there is Stuart Zender. his real name is: Squier Fender, but Fender Guitars and Squier owns the goddamn copyrights. He is rocking that bass guitar like he haven't masturbated for a decade. Amazing Van Gelder, whose drums are jumping to his drumsticks, just to be hit by Amazing Van Gelder. Some members whose names I don't know, fantastically playing instruments which names I also don't know. And Mr. Fucking Awesome Johnny Thirkell, known for playing the right notes from the opposite side of trumpets, like the rest of the horn instruments.

Last and LEAST important here is our Jay Jay, the ventriloquist guy with his main act controlling the chicken's voice by dancing on one. He makes chicken screams random voices and notes. Masochists call it singing and amateur musicians call it jazz style.

They all play some faggy music Jay Jay wants to play, so they'll probably never change. I believe the main reason is he got pissed off because of getting rejected by Brand New Heavies. LOL. I guess that brought him closer to earth. It was probably the scene that looked like Christina Aguilera not letting Paris Hilton to sing with her. Must have been bloody hilarious. Like laughing to disabled children.

Discography and his life chronicles

• Emergency on planet Earth (1992) – from the times when godzilla roamed the earth (godjirra!)
• The return of Space Cowardboy (1992) – Jay Jay shitting his pants in front of the audience
• I'm going deeper underground (1992) – he found out Ricky Martin is gay (that song makes Ricky a very saaaad Ricky)
• Traveling without moving (1999) – while crashing his ferrari into the brick wall
• Synkronized (2001) – something about being gay and bitch slapping poor reporter
• A Funk Odyssey (2002) – learning there is some funky books that he could eventually read, to help himself with his hellofitis ignoritis
• Dynamite and other explosives (1789) – stuff he use to make his face look less hideous
• Very "high" times (1992–present) – realizing that only rich potheads were listening to his music
• Rock dust light star (2010) – something about sniffing cocaine and thinking he is star
• Automaton (2017) - about an acid trip he had where he was in a futuristic apocalypse full of robotic hats, coca.. i mean magic, girls, more girls and vitamins
• Now i have enough money, now i will quit the band (announced) – most expected album ever