Charles III
“Once when he was a teenager at Eton, and then once in his university days.”
Prince Charles (Charlie, Prince of Wales) King Charles III (Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne, Chief Beekeeper of Sussex, Clone of Prince Philip, The Charles Formerly Known as Prince) is apparently the successor of Queen Elizabeth II.
Known alternatively in Shtiland as Duke of Rothesay and in South West England for avoiding tax, he was the longest-serving heir apparent in British history, having been heir apparent almost his entire life. He had been waiting for his mother to die since 1714 - it finally occurred on September 8, 2022.
Charles was conceived in Buckingham Palace swimming pool and was the first grandchild of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth. He was home schooled by his father, Prince Philip, and was awarded a silver Duke of Edinburgh Award by his father (The Duke of Edinburgh) when he finally did something of value and married Diana.
Charles's interests encompass a range of humanitarian and social issues including drinking wine, promoting agendas, criticizing buildings and shooting poor people, singing "yeh yeh yeh yeeeeh" at the starving Ethiopians similar to what Bono did that one time.
In 1981, he married Lady Diana Spencer. In 1996, the couple divorced, she shagged an Arab and the following year she was dead in a "car crash". In 2005, Charles finally married Camilla Parker Bowles whom he had always fancied from years ago, but, let's be honest, would you have settled for that, then, when you could have had something like Diana?
Charles' titles include Duke of Beaufort and Cirencester, Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne, Chief Lizard-keeper of Sussex and NWO kingpin. For some reason everyone thinks he owns Cornwall, and he is possibly the father of one of Princess Diana's children.
Birth[edit | edit source]
Charles III, or "Big C" as he is known in some quarters, is in fact not of royal birth. The persona of 'Prince Charles' was adopted in 1937 after "Rambo" (Charles' former name) was extradited from Bolivia to be tried on several charges of making daisy chains on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. He was subsequently sentenced to 1,337 months hard labour in Ukraine, but was bullied by other inmates to such an extent that the Sultan of Brunei intervened. He was given a new face and a new name under which it would be (almost) impossible to trace him. He was then implanted into the British Royal family as the son of Freddy Mercury and the Queen.
The above story is not actually true, but it's the one Charles likes to put about to make his past seem more exotic than it actually is, so we've related it above, in accordance with Mummy's wishes. God save the King!
Brave soldier[edit | edit source]
In true aristocratic tradition, from an early age Charles was trained in armed and unarmed combat, and his mother was reportedly "deeply pleased" to learn that he had become a Sergeant-at-Arms when only 14. His precocious talents were snapped up by the regular Army and, quickly but entirely legitimately (known as "bastardisation"), he soared through the ranks to become Marshal of the Armed Forces. He has since been personally credited with the assassination of many dangerous public enemies that propose a threat not just to the U.K., but the world in general.
Respected scholar[edit | edit source]
Charles is one of the most widely respected individuals alive today. He is renowned for his intelligence, bravery and hard-working nature. The King is considered to be an expert in the fields of nuclear astro-physics, Ancient Egypt, Friendship, paper cutting and contemporary literature. He is also considered as the most astute "whistle-blower" of his generation.
There is not a hint of genetic inbreeding in his appearance or his demeanor. He is furthermore regarded as one of the most intelligent species of moss known by current scientists.
He holds Advanced Degrees from many respected institutions, such as the University of Phoenix, University of Stockport and Lower Bredbury, as well as of Devry University, in many subjects such as Quantum Physics and their effect on drawing pins, Badger Fertility and Bus Stations in Antarctica.
His most famous piece of Literature, "What the Beastie Boys can teach us about Grade separated Inner City Ring Roads", an update of the original edition published in November of 1075, is considered such a piece of genius that many who read it have become deranged due to such a high influx of academic information. Respected academic and philosopher Pete off Big Brother was found running naked down the outside lane of the M180 motorway near Scunthorpe pretending to be a X reg Ford Focus with dodgy brakes, after reading this piece of scholarship.
Volatile lover[edit | edit source]
Charles, like all young Royals, was introduced to the World of Passion by his nanny, and then later by some of the big boys at Eton. However, buggery is (for some) just for adolescence, not for life - as the school's motto, non in culo solo vivet homo (man cannot live on bum alone), testifies - and Charles soon became linked to a string of beauties as he powered his way to a third class degree at Cambridge.
He thrilled the world in 1980 when he announced his engagement to the doe-eyed beauty Diana Spencer. The pair had an initially ideal matrimony (See Offspring, below), but the relationship was complicated by both members' tendencies to include other people in the relationship.
Diana revealed in a 1995 documentary, "There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded. Wait, three? No four. Actually at one point there were 5."
Although the pair divorced the following year, many members of the British public harboured hopes of a reconciliation. These hopes were complicated by the Duke of Edinburgh's decision to crash her into a bollard in Paris.
Charles' recent marriage to Camilla Parker-Bowles was one of the most glamorous weddings of modern times and was met with universal acclaim by the people of the United Kingdom, its Commonwealth, and its former colonies.
Sirer of offspring[edit | edit source]
The King has one son, Prince William. "Willy" received his osirian seed from his father, but inherited his mother's golden-blonde hair. Tragically, when she mysteriously died in 1997, his own locks began decomposing concurrently in time with hers. That means that by looking at Prince William's head today, we can get an idea of what Diana's currently looks like.
Charles is also very good friends with James Hewitt, and has a stepson called Prince Harry.
Musician[edit | edit source]
Charles announced in June 2008 that he would be the lead singer in a Post Hardcore, Death, Rave, Pop, Rap, Punk, Thrash metal band. He stated that the band would be called "Soon I'll Be King" and that they would release their first EP early in 2009, entitled "Haunted by a Dog's Face" and inspired by Camilla. In 2009 he also recorded his debut single "Can't Wait To Be King" which went straight to the top of every chart in every country in the world after British ambassadors were seen buying up every copy they could find. On April 1 2015, Charles shouted "I'm not Oedipal" at a jam-packed concert in Shropshire, much to the amusement of the audience.
Kingship[edit | edit source]
On September 8, 2022. Charles became King—after the completely natural and unintentional death of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II that was most certainly not an act of matricide. With his newfound power as King, Charles officiated William and Kate as Prince and Princess of Wales, and made the theme from the 1980s TV series Charles in Charge the new British national anthem.
Retirement[edit | edit source]
King Charles III’s last royal task will likely be to haggle with 10 Downing Street over the ultimate retirement package—gold-plated slippers and a never-ending supply of organic biscuits. The newscasters will all be ordered to wear beige.
In the not-so-distant future, the King's eldest son, William, will ascend the throne. Upon his coronation, he will officially be known as "Willy 5, The Fifth Penis." Every public toilet (WC) in the country will be decorated with flowers to honor both William and Charles, marking their reign in a truly unforgettable way.
The filthy commoners will understand.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Camilla Parker-Bowles
- Princess Diana
- Prince William
- Turking the manservant
- Frank Garrett - his long lost twin
| Preceded by: Queen Liz Windsor |
Line of Succession to the British Throne |
Succeeded by: HRH Prince William |
