Beastie Boys
Three broke-ass Jews out of Brooklyn by the names of Adam Horowitz, Adam Yauch and Michael Diamond started rapping successfully circa 1984. Their first raps mainly consisted of Torah citations sung to the tune of "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel", but a chance meeting with famed manager Rick "Unkie Rubaby" Rubin fixed that almost immediately. He also changed their name from the Yiddish Yankers to the Beastie Boys.
The Beastie Boys began as a hardcore porn group in 1979. They specialized in what they called "Very Hairy Group Pairings" where they would get people with a lot of pubes together and fuck whilst they pleasured themselves in the darkest corner of the room. Most of the time they would cover their faces with Muslim women's headdresses and bark out orders, chastising anyone who tried to pull the headdresses off to unmask their faces.
When the FBI finally pulled off a successful sting operation and killed the ringleader of the group, Ringo Star, the three hook-noses decided to quit living a life consumed by filth and misogyny and take up an honest occupation: rapping.
With the release of their debut solo album Licensed to Drive in the State of Illinois (1986), they soon began to tickle the fancies of all sorts of people, including your mom. This record included songs like "Slap My Bitch Up", "Pennies from Heaven", "Lips Like Sugar", and their most famous hit to date "Who Let the Dogs Out".
The group is well-known for its eclecticism, insensitivity towards other races, blowing off interviews to blow the interviewers, obscure canine anatomy references and being as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce, as well as for performing in their birthday suits.
They done good for a couple of broke-ass honkies and continue to enjoy commercial and critical success to this date, more than 2,690,576 eons after the release of their debut single, "Who's Really Eating this Shit Sandwich?" On September 27, 2007, they were nominated for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, however they were denied because they refused to pay the applicable $12 entry fee because they are Jewish.
History[edit | edit source]
Early days: 1979–1983[edit | edit source]
As it turns out, no one involved with this band can remember that far back. And those who can do not wish to share any information due to being incriminated by the FBI for the aforementioned disgusting, hairy fuckfests.
Licensed to Drive in the State of Illinois: 1984–1987[edit | edit source]
It was during this period that Ass Jam Records record producer Rick Rubin, a.k.a. Unkie Rubaby, signed on to AOL for the first time after facefucking Al Gore for his password. He had an email from God that told him to change the Beastie Boys from a shitty punk rock outfit, who used to suck cocks with the Ramones on the streets of NYC, to a three-man rap crew. The band released the 12" EP, Cock Hard, in 1984 – the second record released by Ass Jam that credited Rubaby as producer. Soon after Rubaby's arrival, some major douchebag with an inferiority complex developed creative differences with the band, citing his friction with Rubaby. It was believed that Rubaby laid a fuckin on this guy's ass the likes no man should ever have to bear witness to. The douche never pooped right again and now uses a rubber tourniquet for a sphincter muscle.
Next came ... something, and blah, blah, blah ... They made License to Drive in the State of Illinois ... blah blah blah. .. They started hanging out with black people ... blah blah blah ... They started making money and they were asked to do another record.
Paul's Small Shop of Novelty Sex Toys / Check Your Fly Cuz It's Down: 1988–1992[edit | edit source]
The group matured with their second album, Paul's Small Shop of Novelty Sex Toys, produced by the Angel Dust Brothers and Martha the Dyke. Recorded in 1988, this extremely deep musical orifice is considered one of the stinkiest albums by the Beasties, and Rolling Stoned ranked it #156,542,875,214,851,241,155 on its list of the 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Greatest Albums of All Time. It is also considered an aphrodisiac in the small Arab country of Yemen.
The album was released from prison in 1989. Capitol Records posted bail after the album apologized for stealing the company car for its own personal joyride. Capitol Records was still weary though and kept the album away from the kids as much as possible because the album would still get raging drunk and throw stuff around the room. They have since been to counseling. Capitol Records wants the album to change, but the album says he never will and that Capitol Records is just going to have to live with the way he is.
The follow-up album, Check Your Fly Cuz It's Down, was recorded in the band's own heads and never really released to anybody. One time Mike Diamond tried humming it on a tape deck but it just didn't sound right. The rights were then sold to a Dutch man who mistook it for a bestiality DVD. The damned dirty Dutchie proceeded to play the hummed tracks for his cows so he could seduce them so they could produce his half-man-half-bovine offspring. Disgusting yet true.
They did some other shit here, but no one cares.
University of Illinois College of Communications: 1993–1996[edit | edit source]
Univ. of Ill. College of Communication, as it's usually abbreviated, released in 1994, was an album dedicated to the University of Illinois College of Business, which is very strange since it has the word communications in the title and not business, but fuck it. That's how they roll.
The single "Sabotage" was sabotaged before production and was never made. Fucking Nazis. They never let the kikees have any fun!
The Beach Boys headlined at Lollipopapalooza – an American travelling music festival for little kids who have just had dental work –in 1994, then they promptly died of heart attacks because they're so fucking old. The Beastie Boys went to their funerals to piss on their graves. They always hated the Beach Boys and this was their final way of saying "Piss off!"
The band began performing for loose change on a corner in Los Angeles between first-class flights to Washington D.C. to turn tricks for gay U.S. Senators.
They donated all their man-whore funds to charities like Janet Reno's "Mistaken Gender Foundation", and Michael Jackson's "Every Little Boy Deserves a Toy Foundation".
The band began selling drugs on the cheap here. No more information is available as the DEA is still investigating this open case.
Hello Nasty Nate, I See You've Shaved: 1998–2001[edit | edit source]
(a.k.a. Hello Filthy McNasty, in reference to a furburger eating contest in the Bronx)
The Beastie Boys were sent to Rikers Island in 1997 on three counts of felonious baloneyous. Hello Nasty Nate, I See You've Shaved was an homage to a big black man, known only as "Nasty Nate", whom they used to love in the most literal sense in Rikers. He died of a broken heart when they left so they dedicated an entire album to him.
At this point, John was fed up with the direction that Paul wanted to lead the band.
During a furious fight in the Biltmore Hotel in Miami, they decided to call it quits. George and Ringo had no idea what had just happened as they were shoved in the broom closet and left to rot as they always were whenever the band stayed someplace. Whoops. Wrong band.
The Beasties won some stupid gold statues for making a song about outer space and a video that has foretold the fate of humanity as we know it: robot attacks.
Also at the 1998 MTV Video Music Awards they won some shit but the entire industry still takes these awards as a fucking joke, much like the Golden Globes, People's Choice Awards and country music.
To the Trash of New York City: Get a Job: 2002–2006[edit | edit source]
The band increased its level of political activism after committing the 9/11 attacks, organizing and headlining the "New Yorkers VS. The World" concert in October 2001. Funds from the concert went towards the destruction of America's infrastructure through funding Islamic regimes.
Their single, "Ch-Check It Out", debuted on Bravo on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which aired April 28, 2004.
To The Trash of New York City: Get a Job was released worldwide on June 15, 2004. It was the first album the Beastie Boys produced themselves and was a disasterpiece. Holy shit. Norman Greenbaum himself couldn't fuck something up this poorly. It sounded like fifteen tracks of Steven Hawking reciting the Gettysburg Address with drums in the background. Fuck me, it was bad.
The album was the cause of some controversy when people realized they had been ripped off. The band has denied this allegation, defending that it was a matter of taste. To which many replied, "Yes, it is. And this, my dear fellow, is TASTELESS!"
The band said in mid-2006 that they were gardening in place of their next album, and their fresh lima beans could now be found at your local grocer's freezer. They're called Beastie Beans.
The Mix-Up: 2007–present[edit | edit source]
At this point, the Beastie Boys are very mixed up and can use a break.
The Beastie Boys were featured on the cover of Flaming Racist magazine for the publication's summer 2007 issue.
They won the Special Olympics and proceeded to pee all over themselves in delight. They now wear diapers.
Adam Yauch was assassinated in 2012. Many believe it is Adolf Hitler who was behind the crime, since MCA was more present publicly than the other two and he is Jewish.
As a band[edit | edit source]
Ever since their early days as hardcore pornographers, the Beastie Boys have continued creating an assortment of viruses and computer spyware. The viruses always take on the names of their songs, and have been interspersed among computers worldwide. When they do play music, the most common band setup features Man-tits D playing drums, Ad-Hoc on guitar, and RCA cables hooked to a cheap tape deck. According to the band, listening to funk music from the 70's that served as samples for Paul's Shop of Novelty Sex Toys inspired them to start playing with themselves in dark corners again.
Influence[edit | edit source]
Members[edit | edit source]
Regular members (as of 2005)[edit | edit source]
- Michael Diamond, a.k.a. "Man-tits D" – vocals, drums
- Adam Yauch, a.k.a. "NBA" – (He's moved on to play professional basketball.)
- Adam Horovitz, a.k.a. "Ad-Hoc" – vocals, guitar
- Michael Schwartz, a.k.a. "Miss Mister Mom" – turntables, samples, lunch-getter, not-real member
Other contributing members[edit | edit source]
- Bob Dylan
- Bill Cosby
- Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
- Yanni
- Nipples McGee
- Black Ass Willy
- Eminem
- J-Lo's big stinky ass
- Nelson Mandela
- Mr. Rogers
- Samuel L. Jackson
- Chuck Norris
- Mr. T
- Simon and Garfunkel
- Brian Peppers (helped with their kid's album)
- Yoko Ono
- Sammy "Two Fingers" Slimmityslam
- Ronald McDonald
- the Chicago Bears
