AOL

“Hello there, and welcome to the AOHELL Customer Service Support Line! If you have received any horrible anti-virus threats, please press one. If your computer is at optimal performance and needs a new virus boost, please press two. If you want to cancel your contract with us, please hold and we’ll direct you to our legal action department.”

~ AOL's answering machine

“I serve shepherd’s pie on one day of the year only. That day is Christmas Eve. It is part of our traditional dinner celebration. We have always celebrated Christmas on that day since I was three years old and my father was killed in an auto accident on the way home from work leaving my mother a widow pregnant with my sister and three other sisters. She thought it would make us feel better to open presents that night and say Santa came to our house “early because he heard about your dad” then we would go to midnight mass which was always considered the “shepherd’s mass” so I serve this dish in my home ever year in honor of my dad and my mother (who is still with us thankfully at the tender age of 87) and thank the Lord for a mother such as this and for two Fathers in Heaven.”

~ screenname memb253

AOL (Association of Lag, Always Offline, Angels of Lucifer, Alex Olney, America Offline, Assholes Online , Axis of Love, Apple Online or Armania on Laxatives) is the world's most widespread spyware Application, after Microsoft. Distributed on CDs, it presents itself as software which enables the user to connect to the Internet. In reality it secretly changes the values of the capacitors on the user's motherboard, causing poor computer performance. The trojan is aimed at inexperienced users who do not realize that their operating system already contains software to connect to the internet.

Origin

OMG AOL!

Little is known about the origins of the American Ovulation Lifetime (so-named because of the intense menstruation and general bitchiness that is to follow anyone infected), however many speculate that it is the product of an evil North Korean plot to infect American computers. A new type of the virus is now known an America Offline due to the uselessness of connectivity virus, a disease that, even today with inoculations like the Cable and DSL antibodies still infects many a hapless internet user. The first instances of AOL, not to be confused with AWOL, were found among small children who would steal their parents' ATM card and use it to buy the drug chat that would let them enter a delusional world in which they were All-American football athletes so they could have cyber sex with 36-year-old virgins from Detroit. Sadly, it wouldn't end there ... Addictions were quelled at first, by the immense price of chat and its sister email, costing nearly US$2.00 for an hour's high ... Then, dealers realized if they got together, and handed out all the chat and email you could handle in a month for a set price, they'd have it made ... and made they did, with AOL 3.0 ... (Was there ever an AOL 1.0 or 2.0?)

Despite dealers constantly not offering the service, refusing their best customers with "busy" signals and "try again later" messages, the helpless flock of sheep that was AOL users fled back time and time again for their chat.

AOL 3.0

Targeting noobz who are too stupid to read the advertisement but will click on anything

The third evolution of the chat / email drug known as AOL 3.0 was widely considered one of the most dangerous, and infectious types of narcotics available. Using only a credit card number, and your first name dealers were able to infect you and your computer with a virus that was now more deadly than ever. It was a sad time for the world, as AOL brought forth a never-ending supply of n00bz to the world ... spam and Pr0n grew like wildfire and in the midst of it all, as parents tried helplessly to barter with the AOL dealers to get their children back. But their cries would fall on deaf ears.

Types

Type Pr0n+

This is your computer without AOL.

People infected with this type of AOL become neo-vampiristic fetish-obsessed zombies ... Hunting endlessly for more and more Pr0n, using chat and email to proliferate and spread their vicious disease. Pr0n is then made more salacious by the AOLer and put back on the web. The most disgusting would be when Mel Gibson, a hapless racist who started fights with Jews in chatrooms, took a picture of a nude, spread-eagled Angelina Jolie, put the face of Dakota Fanning over hers, then titled it SALTY TIDBITS on his desktop. He then used it to replace the picture of his father, Oprah Winfrey as his background.

This is your computer with AOL.

Type Goatse

People with this dreadful strain of the AOL virus constantly lure people into a false sense of security, then, give them a harmless-looking links. Upon opening said link, the user will find a picture consisting of one of the following:

The original Goatse (everyone should know what a goatse is ...)

A similar shock picture (such as tubgirl, Lemonparty, Sourmath, Hai2u, etc.)

Either of the above, only the window multiplies many times and plays fast paced techno music, or a person shouts exactly what it is you're looking at.

Also, in the rare case that the victim is epileptic, the window will consist of flashing colors or a Pokemon episode, which will send the poor victim into a seizure!

Type Anarchy of Lames

Among the rarest types, this type affects primarily the punks of the Internet. It causes all their mohawks to grow uneven within days, and for moshing abilities to debilitate within a week of infection. A most horrific effect of this causes all Anarchy "A"s to transform into Republican elephants. This has caused many a punk to take the "other way out" and surrender to the Microsoft Borg to be assimilated.

Type N00b

The most common, and also considered to be among the most deadly in large numbers, is AOL Type N00b+. These flamers will believe anything they are told, and will buy chat and email using their parents' credit cards without remorse, sometimes finding themselves with thousands of dollars of debt.

AOL = LOL

Such terms as AOL, LAWOL, LM(F)AOLO, RAOLF, OMIGADROFLLAOL, ad nauseam, come from the fact that AOL itself really does make one "laugh out loud".

Type desperate 40-year-old negative virgin

This strain of the disease causes self-respecting, married middleaged men into crazed, sex craving lunatics. More often than not, said sex is wanted from young teenage girls, but in Mark Foley's case, he went after boys.

Priests in the Catholic Church have been infected from the dawn of time (except Father Ted, he was spared this cruel fate), also going after boys. This lead to the comment by a high school kid, "So a rapist, a pedophile and a priest walk into a bar. Oh sorry, that was just the first guy!"

Type La gaffe d'AOL (contested)

Scientists at AOL Research recently diagnosed a shocking new "Gaffe d'AOL" type. Prof. Wildside of their Thought Before Action department released the following statement unto the scientific community: "At this early stage of discovery little is known. However we strongly believe Gaffe d'AOL to be a more serious mutation of Femme non surveillée avec AOL CD syndrome."

Many independent researchers, however, disagree with Prof. Wildside's statement (at least these that have downloaded the torrent), and firmly believe the discovery is simply an extreme outbreak of Prison d'AOL. Respected AOL'olgist Dr. Hans Googled of Barrel O'Fun research countered Prof. Wildside's statement with:

When compared to Décommander l'abonnement d'AOL SVP syndrome, and in conjunction with acute form Ma facture d'AOL n'est toujours pas décommandée complex. "Gaffe d'AOL" is simple outbreak of Prison d'AOL."

Noted NASA Scientist Dr. Hans Zarkov countered Dr. Googled's statement with:

I've been TELLING them for YEARS! This is only the beginning! And it's not a form of Prison d'AOL, it's an outbreak of the more deadly Celtic strain: Stop charging my credit card NOW YOU BASTARDS or I'll have the law on you!

At the time of writing, the only known cure to Prison d'AOL and Stop charging my credit card NOW YOU BASTARDS or I'll have the law on you is to cancel all your charge cards, close your bank account and start praying. In some extreme cases victims have resorted to moving home. Further investigation by Dr. Googled shows that Daffy Duck is the main suspect.

Fighting back

Introduce AOLers to common internet terms such as O Rly?, Do a Barrel Roll!, and OMGWTFBBQ! Then go into random chat rooms, start a random fight here or there, randomly leave, and disappear off the internet for about five days at a time, making people miss you and want REAL internet.

Avoiding infection

Friends don't let friends use AOL. Period.

What the Government is doing

If sent an AOL disk, the government will promptly send the disk to an intern, which, in turn, will consume it with her enormous government fangs; after which they'll produce a ridiculous amount of paperwork and not get anything done for a couple of weeks. The government will then send you a copy of a chewy disk and food stamps so you can buy lobs of ham and throw them at the neighbor boys, or at Zombie Jesus when he comes about.

What to do if an adventurer is you

Hardy adventurers with at least 68 in their primary stat have found that the worst members of the AOL culture can be effectively battled by reading the dictionary to them. Each reading does thirty to sixty hit points of damage. If you don't have a dictionary, it is at least advised that you wear something heat resistant to avoid flaming trolls.

What Zombie Jesus is doing

Zombie Jesus is inherently cooler than you. The question is not what Zombie Jesus is doing for you – it's what you're doing to stop AOL N00b type.

What would Jesus do?

See above.

What /you/ can do to help fight AOL

Well, since you can't personally kick AOL's ass, kick everybody's ass who uses AOL.

Then, steal everything they got, and take scandalous photos and release them to the internet. (Remember to use AOL to access the Internet!)

Or ... You can just get Winston Churchill to fight AOL and kick their ass.

Fun things to do with AOL

Besides getting all other AOL users with the same proxy repeatedly banned from Wikis like this one (the Goatse poster needs more than having their nuts repeatedly kicked in, more like smashed with a meat cleaver and ground in broken glass), you can take a free AOL trial CD and place it in the microwave. It is kind of like putting tinfoil in the microwave, but looks like so way cooler. You also can go to the beach and throw it if you can not afford a Frisbee, or take 1000 of the free CDS and use them to defend yourself from clinjas. Alternatively, you can attempt to haxx0r the AOL software itself, but this is usually rendered impossible since the only people who bother to install it are the common n00b. They also make totally acceptable coffee cup coasters, or xmas decorations! In addition, you could shit on it, place it near a streetlight, and watch dogs go past it and piss on it repeatedly, then upload the video on YouTube.

WARNING! Never, EVER place an AOL CD in a computer CD or DVD drive.

NOTE! If you see an AOL Floppy disk, do not discard it, immediately fix it by removing the write protection and formatting it.

Terms of Service

In the AOL Terms Of Service (TOS, as in "tossed [his ass]" out of a chatroom) you'll find a small paragraph mentioning that they reserve the right to ignore any instance of the word not appearing in such a manner as would prevent your computer from installing proprietary programs, e.g.

I.E. Do not install the AOL Internet Explorer Toolbar.

In the same paragraph AOL also reserves the right to respond to any complaint/cry for help/cancellation request with

"Whaaatt? No way man, you craaazy!"

AOL in the business world

In 1342 AD AOL merged with Time (Magazine) and (Jeep) Wrangler to form the biggest Interweb-Magazine-Jeep company in the world. They promised the moon and the stars and sun to their stockholders. But they were foolish! They didn't know that if you brought the Moon to the Earth, tidal forces would destroy the Earth! Not getting their shiny stellar objects, the stockholders were extremely angry. This caused AOL stock to fall. Soon afterward Time and Wrangler distanced themselves from AOL. Their relationship is very strained now and both sides are openly dating new people.

Participation in war and downfall

Surprisingly, AOL's downfall started all the way back in 2007, when an animator by the name of "noogai3" and a stick figure by the name of "The Chosen One" were fighting a war against each other. AOL was one of the programs enlisted by noogai3 to help fight The Chosen One, but it was sadly murdered by its own window.

In 2011, after a ceasefire of multiple years, a resurrected AOL was once again drafted by noogai in his second battle against the Chosen One. Though AOL put up a fight, he was thrown into a copy of Minesweeper and got blown up by Firefox, who was thrown into a mine.

After the victory of the Chosen One against noogai, a yet-again-resurrected AOL was one of the many programs terrorized by his seven-year-long campaign of destruction. Though it survived a series of fights, it was finally killed for good in its fifth battle against the stick figure in 2017.

See also

• Microsoft
• Norton Utilities
• Virus
• Spyware