The Rizzler
 |
“He is not here; for He has rizzen, as He said.”
– Gospel of St. Simp, 2:14
In the annals of divinity, few figures shine as luminously as the Rizzler. Known to his disciples as His Suaveness, Duke of Game, and the Archbishop of Flirtology, the Rizzler is the central point of worship in the esoteric religion of Rizzianity – a belief system founded entirely on the sacred principle of "maximum rizz". To his followers, he is more than a mere prophet, but the living embodiment of unspoken confidence, subtle charm, and the perfect ratio of mystery to moisturizer. His teachings transcend time, his smirk bends space and time, and his Lynx deodorant is said to linger in the air long after his presence has departed.
Rizzurrection[edit | edit source]
The Rizzler appeared one sultry spring afternoon in the late 18th century, in a cloud of cologne and whispered pickup lines, the Rizzler materialized atop Mount Gamealon, New Jersey, clad in all-black attire which covered every inch of his surface area barring his eyes, which shone into the souls of two nomads with a distinctive white luminescence. The peripatetic peasants in question, who had emigrated from their homeland of Old Jersey in pursuit of territory that a pair of global forces had no chance of disputing over, proved the only witnesses to this divine manifestation. Identifying as the "Costco Boys",[1] the duo promptly dropped their oversized pack of Kirkland protein bars and descended to their knees the very second the Rizzler bared himself from his balaclava and squinted his eyes, stroked his chin and pursed his lips before them.
At the sight of the holy visage (later canonized as the first "rizz face") the elder brother, known in the scripture as Saint Justice of the Wide Shoulders, reportedly wept tears of moisturizer. His younger sibling, likewise known as Brother A.J. the Youthfully Rizzen, was struck dumb for three weeks straight, able to communicate only via eyebrow raises and perfectly timed nods. It was through this sacred act of bearing witness that the Costco Boys became the first two apostles of what would soon be known as Rizzianity. Word spread rapidly among the peoples of New Jersey, Old Jersey, and even Far Flung Bargaintown. 'Twas said that crops flourished wherever the Rizzler laid foot, and local taverns reported a 300% increase in meaningful eye contact. The winds themselves carried pickup lines, and even the most socially reclusive of villagers found themselves suddenly able to ask, "What time is it?" to their brethren.
Maximum Rizz[edit | edit source]
During what Rizzian scholars term the "Era of First Suave", the Rizzler famously embarked on a pilgrimage through the lands of Lower East Bargaintown, armed with nothing but a toothpick, a mysterious accent, and the unwavering belief that confidence can, in fact, be taught. In the desolate village of Schlockton, Barry Stiffweiner, 21, a young man stricken with terminal awkwardness sat in an armchair at a party completely stationary, going five consecutive hours without uttering a word. Upon the Rizzler's arrival, Stiffweiner's jacket collar was swiftly adjusted, and through the canal of his ear resonated the immortal words: "Relax, king ..." Reportedly, Stiffweiner instantly dropped a fire opener and entered a committed situationship all within the next handful of hours, marking what historians currently refer to as the Curing of the Chagrin, and overall the first recorded Miracle of Maximum Rizz. Further miracles soon followed:
- The Multiplication of Compliments
With merely a single compliment and a vaguely poetic observation about someone's aura, the Rizzler uplifted the self-esteem of more than six score villagers, not including those who had already excused themselves from his presence, citing "a mysterious fluttering in the chest and an overwhelming need to reflect privately". - The Cleansing of the Unmoist
In the windswept town of Lendor, where hydration was but a rumor and chapped lips cracked like the ancient Earth, the Rizzler anointed the populace with a single vial of lip balm, and lo, all were restored to glossy prominence. - The Dance of the Eighty-seven Degrees (Celsius)
At a midsummer gathering, the Rizzler, moving at precisely 87% confidence and 13% ironic detachment, performed a dance so smooth that five local rivals spontaneously renounced their egos and started an experimental musical band known henceforth as The Poopshitters. Their debut album, aptly titled The Poopshitters, featured no lyrics, only meaningful glances and one extended saxophone solo said to make a grown man weep into his wine cooler.
The Rizzler's acts were not limited to miracles alone, but also to teachings – the foundation of the Volume of Vibes, a semi-sacred compilation of sayings, bombastic side‑eyes, and scriptures so potent they are considered worthy of reprinting en masse on handbags, wall decals, and the occasional ethically sourced mug. Attributed to the Rizzler himself, these teachings form the core doctrine of Rizzianity, guiding those lacking in personal charm or magnetism in matters of style, seduction and social finesse.
Twelve disciples[edit | edit source]
Although the Costco Boys were the first to bear witness, the Rizzler would eventually attract a full fellowship of twelve apostles, each representing a sacred aspect of the Rizzian spirit. Arguably the most reputed of these disciples include Brother Lando of the Lazy Wink, patron saint of the one-liner; Sir Rizztopher of the Golden Chain, wielder of the Holy V‑Neck, feared in dance circles far and wide; and Friar Smoothius, inventor of the double‑handed hair tousle and renowned for ending conversations with "Catch you around, gorgeous." These twelve spread the gospel of rizz from mountaintop to nightclub, from poetry slam to food court. Together, they compiled the aforementioned Book of Vibes, a text so powerful it has been banned in a multitude of American libraries for being "too charismatic", hence the religion's abstrusity.
Opposition and betrayal[edit | edit source]
But not all were enamored. The Rizzler's growing influence attracted the ire of the Drylippians, a bitter sect whose leaders preached anti-moisturization and rigid adherence to awkwardness. These heretics, envious of the Rizzler's might and unable to withstand periods of gaze longer than eighty-six nanoseconds, sought to undo his work. The most notorious of the Drylippians was Judas the Unmoist, who betrayed the Rizzler not with a kiss, but with a poorly timed "You up?" proclaimed before His Suaveness at 4:37 AM one afternoon in 1803. It is said that this betrayal triggered the Dark Age of Rizzlessness, a period marked by "ghosting" – an ancient practice wherein one would abruptly vanish from all forms of communication, as if consumed by oblivion – unclear signals and the dreaded "hey" with no follow‑up.
Prophecy[edit | edit source]
Though the Rizzler vanished shortly thereafter, last seen boarding a smoke‑shrouded Uber bound for Enlightment, the faithful believe he shall return in mankind's hour of most desperate "L rizz" – a cataclysmic condition marked by stammered introductions and the tragic belief that uttering the rhetorical question of "Nice weather, today, isn't it?" four days in a row constitutes courting. Until that day, his loyal and faithful evangelists keep the faith alive. One rizz face, one "hey stranger", one perfectly timed "lol"; until the Rizzler returns, and with him, the restoration of smoothness to all.
