Jimbo Wales

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“Uncyclopedia rocks, as it is. That's why I offered to buy it. What is our business plan for Uncyclopedia? To demonstrate to the active community here, and by extension other communities, that we were so bad at collecting people's data and selling it to marketing companies that we just gave up. Our entire business model depends on showing the world that we are a serious alternative to Yahoo, Google, etc., etc. because we represent a totally different approach... a totally wiki approach... to website management.”

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Jimmy Donal "Jimbo" Wales (born August 7, 1966) is an American Internet method actor, best known for his character as the founder and spokesman of the money losing and cynical project Wikipedia, an online self-proclaimed 'encyclopedia' that exists to help naive and gullible people to foolishly and erroneously accept that they have lost arguments and/or bets over trivial facts. He also plays the owner of the for-profit fancruft catalog Wikia.

While wikipedia is a money losing company, they actually secretly generate an enormous sum of revenues each year from shady side deals that go unreported or filtered through shell companies in countries of fiscal fraud like the Cayman islands or Lichtenstein. In order to present the illusion of a free, open, and objective encyclopedia, a dorky-yet-charming character was needed to give the site some legitimacy — Jimbo is the actor who took up the role himself. His only real contribution to Wikipedia is giving interviews with planned questions and answers and then seriously endangering the company when he goes off script making imbecilic comments that almost give the game away. He is also a reasonably good beer-pong enthusiast.

Early life[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jimbo Wales.

Wales was born in Huntsville, Alabama and raised by loving second cousins. His home and school lacked basic technology only getting working lights and electric outlets when he was five years old. His education consisted of the three prime Alabama skills: black-jack card counting math, bible reading and fire-arm maintenance. When he was ten years old The Bush Foundation generously donated resources to poor Alabaman schools and Jimbo's school recieved, due to its lowest test scores in the county, both a firing range with ten thousand rounds of ammunition and two half-broken computers for their two semi-gifted students.

While students fought for places on the skeet shooting team, nobody used the computers so Jimbo picked up the old CU and walked out of the school with it in plain sight of the teachers who didn't notice or cared enough to stop him. He tried to make sense of the complex Apple II operating system but gave up after a couple days. The computer eventually became a TV stand for a black and white unit his family bought using food stamps. That was pretty much the fullest extent of Jimbo's interest in both technology and meaningful education.

Career[edit]

Acting career[edit]

Wales attended acting school in Auburn, Alabama and was a popular student leader. He is inaccurately attributed as the creator of the double ruffled badminton racket, which was actually engineered by his dormmate Charles Johnson. Wales did, however, invent beer pong, and was considered the third best player on campus.

While in college, Wales found moderate success staring as the rugged lover in Romeo and Juliet, receiving the attention of a theatre blogger who had nothing else to write about having been kicked off the college newspaper. Driven by the positive review, Jimbo next played Steve Jobs in the newly penned play "Who dies of cancer first...Gates or Jobs?" which was considered such a theatrical triumph that some audience members were not friends or family of the actors.

Wales graduated with mediocre grades and a Master's in recreational studies. Impressed by Wales's performance of a hopelessly geeky-yet-scrupulous tech tyrant, director Larry Sanger took up Wales as his protégé to study method acting for the next decade. Sanger had Jimbo briefly work as a model for a version of Maxim magazine, until it was realized that their predominantly male readers wanted to see images of seductive half-dressed women and not scruffy college boys.

Wikipedia breakthrough[edit]

In 2001, Wales and Sanger expanded their business into computing and founded Wikipedia, a "free" online encyclopedia. Originally designed as a database for university students to copy and paste articles into their last minute essays, the website unexpectedly took shape as a legitimate encyclopedia with many secret money-making operations on the side. In 2002, seeing himself as of no use any longer, Sanger departed gracefully from Wikipedia and asked Jimbo to play the part of the Wikicorp President for Life on a full-time basis.

Wales proved himself an adept method actor to the extent that he himself started to believe he was a hi-tech messiah. Wikipedia soon became one of the top ten Web 2.0 websites, and Wales was honored with Time magazine's "Man of the Year" award in 2006 for his accomplishment. Enjoying the newfound attention, Jimbo's dating prospects increased 100x-fold; however, his womanizing later got him in trouble with the press.

Under his new role, Wales leads a comfortable life of 24-hour a day acting being adored by thousands and yet still somehow feels a dark sense of loneliness. "Am I me...or is me more like I?" he wrote in his journal before his second bakingsoda overdose. Life is lonesome at the top. Something those who reach for the stars will never know until they get there. Just how long Jimbo will be able to act the role of a free information tech-guru remains to be seen; what is certain is that in the distant future, Jimbo will be sure to receive a lifetime achievement award by the Hollywood Actors Guild and will get the star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame that he so very much deserves.

The Cult of Jimbo[edit]

Wikipedians adore everything Jimbo does on site. If he edits an article the crowd goes wild. When Jimbo makes policy suggestions his fans dissect it and discuss the slightest details while eating instant noodles on Friday nights. Jimbo's actual edits are made by a room of secret editors which is kept under security so tight the NSA couldn't break it. Jimbo spends his Friday nights playing Xbox at home or practicing his breast stroke in his heated pool. He occasionally does some target shooting practice in his backyard after a beer or two. He never hits the cans because he has terrible eye hand coordination and is terribly far sighted. Every evening after a microwave dinner he plays trivia pursuit with his pet dog and cat.

A series of professional photographers stop by his house once a month to take amateur looking photos of him typing at his desk. Jimbo Wales suffers from a very mild form of Autism and dyslexia and is unable to locate the on/off button for his computer. For this reason he leaves his computer on 24 hours a day in case an official needs to take a last minute photograph of him doing something that seems important with his hands hovering over the keyboard. Wales types at a rate of 10 words per minute and makes so many spelling mistakes that he is not allowed to edit anything. He is forbidden to make any Facebook posts or tweets unless it is screened by several communications specialists who almost always completely reword the entire post or simply outright rejects them as inappropriate for the wikipedia brand.

While Jimbo Wales does not personally edit the Wikipedia website he is known to secretly consult Wikipedia articles whenever he plays trivia pursuit with his dog and cat. Despite cheating with the stealth use of his iPhone the cat always wins.

Powers[edit]

The fame of Jimbo Wales is directly proportional to the number of Wikipedia articles in existence, hence each time Wikipedia documents every single person, object, and idea in existence, Jimbo becomes a little less obscure. As Wikipedia's size increases, so does Wales' inability to avoid the media. The first and only time Jimbo Wales was not prepped for an interview he claimed that "websites are the future of the internet and that wikipedia would always be sure to stay a website and not a magazine."

Divinity[edit]

Irrefutable proof of Jimbo's divinity has been shown to be a logical corollary of Brendan Glacken's proof of the existence of God.

Vacations in Seychelles[edit]

Not good PR.

During a secret vacation in the Seychelles, paparazzi caught this image of Jimbo and two thots in bikinis. Being seen with thots having fun would definitely hurt his credibility as a stuffy boring tech guru, not to mention his public image, a role he always had to play, even when off stage. Wikipedia contacted the paparazzi to have the magazines obliterate the photo out of existence. One million dollars was taken from the Wikimedia Foundation and given to the paparazzi to ensure the photo never showed up again. Jimbo was chastised by the Wikimedia Foundation and ordered to vacation in places where absolutely no one would recognize him such as North Korea or Wyoming.

Side business[edit]

Wikipedia illegally makes money by taking vast amounts of untraced bitcoins from corporations and politicians to favourably edit their articles. Jimbo does not participate in these activities and is not even aware that it occurs. While these schenanigans go on he is usually at home sunbathing on the roof or playing fetch with his dog. His dog is so clever, Jimbo usually ends up being the one who runs after the stick bringing it back to the dog with the stick hanging in his mouth. While his cat and dog are very content to have him around all the time, Jimbo does get lonely quite often and wished he could give up his acting role at Wikipedia and instead play the role of a politician or the CEO of an actual legitimate company.

Future[edit]

It is predicted Jimbo will suffer minor hair loss as he gets older and will need bianual check ups for a slight problem of bone depletion. His sense of alienation and actor/character conflation and confusion will eventually lead to severe depression. Wikipedia has already assured that the weapons he uses for target practice are pellet guns that cannot be used for self harm. He is likely to completely screw up one day and reveal the secret that he is not a world changin visionary but simply an actor. He will then face a mid life crisis and uncertainty what to do it life. It is doubtful he will ever figure it out. He cannot return to Alabama as his cousins consider him a fancy-pants city-dweller know-it-all college-boy yankee. He may retire to the Sechelles and spend his days in yachts dating second rate models who are low on cash yet still want to have a vacation.

See also[edit]