Jonathan Huang

Possibly Jonathan Huang. Alternatively, it could be a different Jonathan Huang whose picture I stole from his Twitter ... But he had deleted his photo. If this is the case it really doesn't matter anyway because all Asians look the same.

“Ah, Jonathan, if only I could touch you, one last time ...”

~ Oscar Wilde

I've never met the man, but my sources tell me he's responsible for the creation of Uncyclopedia. Well if that's the case, hats off to him! Anyway, seeing as I have a perfect view into his bedroom window from my house, I shall now tell you a little about the man who is Jonathan "Hung" Huang!

What I can see from here

How old?

XX years

Complexion

Hmm, not bad, not bad ... He keeps ducking behind the curtains, but from what I can make out pretty good. A little backne, but we can look past that. Quite pale – maybe you would consider going to a nice hot country for a well deserved holiday and a bit of a tan, Mr. Huang? Getting the binoculars out now ... Ooh, I say ...

Hair

A rather attractive jet black. Oh my god, he's taking the towel off ... Ooh, it's jet black there too ...

Physique

Height: approximately 5' 11

Weight: roughly ten stone

Length: can't see through the pink sarong

Artist's impression of Jonathan Huang attacking a disabled child.

What I have learnt from years of stalking him

Demeanor

Friendly overall; smiles at people as he walks past them in the street, often handing out small change to the poor and disabled. Unfortunately the disabled often take offense at this and punch Jonathan right in the gonads. He crumples into a heap on the floor, his face contorted into a mixture of indignation and pain. It takes up all his spartan reserve not to assail the offending cripple right where he sits/stands. He is a famous masturbator and has somehow gained himself five children. (Huh?)

Family history

Huang was born to Lydia Bhatnagar and Craig Huang, who met whilst working in a Virgin Mobile call center. When Craig set eyes on Lydia, it was love at first sight. He threw down his headset with a customer still on the line, and bounded over to her workstation in complete adulation. Lydia was instantly taken by the man's romanticism and bravado, and to the shock of the other call center employees, Jonathan was conceived right there and then. The couple moved into a quiet house in North Carolina, where they went on to conceive two healthy brothers for young Jonathan, named Michel and Bob. The three boys grew up with a mixed Indian-Indonesian cultural heritage, due to the racial backgrounds of their parents. This led to the three developing a sharply satirical sense of humor, as is common in children with that background.

Sexual orientation

Robosexual

Pseudonyms and alter egos

• Chronarion
• Stillwaters
• Rorschach (the real-life one, not the one from Watchmen)

What I hope to learn when I talk to him in person

First off, I'll ask what his favorite movie is. (I've always thought it would be something like American Beauty or Pulp Fiction, but who knows?) I'd also like to know if he ever plans on getting married; whether he'd be interested in having kids; what are his favorite foods, drinks, and drugs; whether he likes cats or dogs; and whether he's been thinking about me too.

Legacy

Jonathan has gifted the world with his presence for almost twenty-six years now, but more important than that is the website he hath bequeathed to us: UNCYCLOPEDIA!

I would like to take a moment of sobriety to honestly thank Jonathan for all the work he has done to make this website a reality. I know I would never have had the forethought nor organizational skills to make such a thing possible, and I think all of us lazy and yet exceptionally witty people here on Uncyclopedia owe you a great thanks, Jonathan, for all the hours we have happily wasted on your whimsical site. Hip, hip, HOORAY! He's poo!