Rachel Zegler
| |
|---|---|
 A ferocious Zegler, trying to eat an unsuspecting cameraman | |
| Born |
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| Occupation | Studio crasher |
| Years active | 2018–2025 |
| Religion | Smugliness |
“Weird, weird!”
Rachel Jobe Chengler, (Ray-chel Jo-🐝 惩-ler[1]) known unprofessionally as Rachel Zegler, is a Columbian[2]-American daughter of a dedicated Friends fan, and the worst casting in the history of film, twice. She is known mostly for her award-winning performance in Steven Spielberg's Westo Sido Storyo, which is West Side Story but with a slightly more Puerto Rican cast, and actual wooden actors instead of Natalie Wood.
In her next huge role, Snow White and Zero Fucking Dwarfs, she became an even greater casting failure, getting cast as Snow White to Gal Gadot's Evil Queen, which was as realistic as the numbers of casualties published by Hamas officials. For some reason, the job didn't go to Shira Haas, and now every kid in the world born after 2010 thinks that Snow White looks like Stephen Baldwin's hemorrhoid.
Zegler is set to star in the upcoming Coen Brothers horror film, Casting Rachel Zegler.
Early life and education
Rachel Zegler was born to in the United States to a half-latina mother born in the United States whose latina mother was born in Colombia. That would make Zegler 1/3 of a latina herself. However, she takes full pride of her supposed Colombian nationality despite most likely having never touched Latin American soil and probably can't even guess where Colombia is on a map.
Zegler studied theatre in The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting, where she learnt how to be incredibly annoying and not thinking twice before opening her mouth. This would lead to many great moments on television where she would start giving opinion on things nobody asked for and critizising her fellow actors. Such a shining example of modesty.
Career
2018–2022: West Side Story and breakthrough
Zegler got her first big debut thanks to sticking her butt in green paint in a Shrek musical. Here she was seen by Steven Spielberg, who was at the time producing a new movie. Although he originally was skeptic about letting a barely recognized actress as her get such an important role, he later changed his mind when Rachel promised to bring him Colombian goods in exchange. This is the explanation why Spielberg thought Zegler was a good choice, because he was high when he casted her.
2025: Not-So-Snow White
It wouldn't be until appearing as the lead role in a Disney film where she would become truly famous -or, rather, infamous. The first warning that this would be a colossal failure was when it was revealed that she, a Latina, was given the chance to play Snow White, a character known worldwide for having her skin as white as snow. This wasn't the first time Disney had casted a non-white actor for a once-white character to appeal to the 'modern market',[3] but it hadn't been so glaring until now.
Unfortunately for Disney, this wouldn't be the end of the controvery. Turns out that starring in a Disney film had gotten to her head,[4] and started spewing a holier-than-thou attitude wherever she went. She mocked the original film, claiming it was trash; which made you wonder why she then chose to star in it. She mocked the other actors of the film; which made you wonder why she then chose to work with them. She proclaimed that this new version- which she called her version- was going to be a piece of art that would redefine the values in our society, and will teach the new generation . And she wouldn't shut up about it.
Shockingly, the film was trash.
After much backlash against the Disney company for being incredibly bland and unoriginal these last few years and getting away with it, Rachel Zegler actually managed to make one of these overtly hated films to flop resoundingly hard. And it was all thanks to her pretentious mannerism that couldn't even bother to hide from the cameras thanks to her enormous ego. Disney being Disney, they tried to put all the focus on her and her bitchy attitude to hide the burning ashes of their crumbling empire.
But the nail in the coffin was when Zegler made a rather controversial remark on the Arab-Israeli conflict, and how she despised Gal Gadot, who used to be an Israeli combat soldier, for being in the same movie as her.[5] That's when Disney decided to cut ties with the actress and never utter her name or Snow White ever again. And that's how Zegler's career ended abruptly, before she had even had the chance to shine. Truly a tragic story.
Political views
According to Columbian officials, Gal Gadot should be banned from all the film and TV industry, and her Hollywood Walk of Fame star should be covered with Demi Moore's cum. The Gal Gadot Simpsons character should also be replaced by a Rachel Zegler one, as Gal Gadot has murdered Lisa Simpson in real life. [6] Additionally, the Uncyclopedia Featured Article about her should be removed from Uncyclopedia:Hall of Shame, and be replaced by this article.
Yeah, I've made my Uncyclopedia debut but it's been like eight years after the Gal Gadot debut, which is totally lame. What did Gal Gadot do beside being the only Israeli ever to star in Hollwood, except Topol and the handsome dude from The Boys and Shira Haas and Hiam Abbass and the Saddam Hussein guy? Where did she crawl from, people? It's not like she had a Columbian parent who loved the show Friends so much that she named her daughter after the entire cast of Friends? Do you think that would ever happen to the movie Snow White and Zero Fucking Dwarfs? Do you really think someone in the future will name their kid Gal Zegler? No one wants a kid with a name that can give you food poisoning in two seconds, man.
According to Hamas officials, the only Israeli casualty in the war is Gal Gadot, who has been cast as the Evil Queen to Rachel Zegler's Snow White. But since Hamas is a terrorist organization and Israel is the Mary Poppins of countries, they're probably wrong. There were actually thousands of Israeli casualties and massacred people, both civilians and soldiers. So you should know that the entire Gaza strip is currently run by terrorists (including Benjamin Netanyahu and some Palestinian ones too) and you shouldn't take the numbers being thrown by them too seriously. The other part of the Palestinian Authority, the non-Gaza part, is run by innocent Palestinians and not terrorists. The numbers you're getting are not official Palestinian numbers. They are reported by Qatari-Iranian-ISIS "officials". So no, the only innocent massacred children in this war are not all Palestinian and midgets; there are Israeli ones too.
This article is totally Zionist, bitch. What am I even doing here? I feel totally violated by militant Gal Gadot fans from Israel. Ew. I only did that Gal Gadot flick because me and my boyfriend Jackson Hinkle were ON A BREAK!
Public image
OK. Being the worst casting of all times (twice) isn't that great too, I admit. But at least I'm not Elon Musk or something. I mean, the dude named his 53 kids after xenomorph planets, and he is still the richest person on Earth and was almost a Republican presidential candidate.
Also I wasn't invited to the Oscars for being Puerto Rican, even though I'm actually Columbian, and not Puerto Rican at all. Gal Gadot has nothing on me.
Met Gala controversy
Rachel has been invited to the Met Gala in 2025 alongside Gal Gadot, but it's unclear if she'll show up until they change it to Never Met Gal, Ever.
Accolades
| Year | Award | Winner |
|---|---|---|
| 2019 | Infected Earth With Passover Soup Made of Columbian Children's Blood | Gal Gadot |
| 2023 | Made Me Support Israel Even When They Are The Ones With Problems and Need Other Countries' Help | Gal Gadot |
| 2025 | Made Me Listen to Best Ballad in Eurovision History[7] While Being Totally Antisemite | Keren Peles |
Notes
- ↑ This joke actually works much better and is more phallic in Hebrew, but whatever.
- ↑ It's actually Colombian. Zegler can't even spell it right! Makes you wonder if she actually came from there..
- ↑ *cough* The Little Mermaid *cough*
- ↑ despite being a film from Disney's incredibly shit period, when most people loath the company and they only keep getting money from spoiled children and idiot Disney adults
- ↑ which makes you wonder why she chose to work with her in the movie.
- ↑ Dr. Jackson Hinkle, Columbian Dep. of TV studies.
- ↑ twice
