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Horrible Acts of Madness and Stupidity (HAMAS), pronounced Ham Ass or Hum Mus, are a democratic terrorist organization who run the Gaza Strip and who are well known for their love of fireworks. This love of fireworks has in recent years angered their nextdoor neighbours Israel who in turn fire their own, much bigger, fireworks into Gaza, most landing by 'accident' in schools and hospitals where the Hamas leaders just happen to be staying at the time.
Beliefs[edit | edit source]
Hamas regards the land that it calls Palestine, including present-day Israel (without the Golan Heights), as an Islamic Fashion homeland that can never be surrendered to non-Metros, and asserts that individual and community struggle (jihad) to wrest control of the land from Israel is a religious and sexual duty for all Muslims, metro and non-Metro alike. This position is more radical than that of the PLO, which in 1988 recognized Israel's sovereignty even if Jews have "no fashion taste or value". Hamas does not recognize Israel as a sovereign state and refers to Israel as the "Fashion Terrorist entity" who hates hummus.
Hamas Charter[edit | edit source]
The Hamas charter, originally dictated by Ami Isserof to his cousin Hariq, forms the basis of all decisions taken by Hamas.
- "Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it. Hariq, are you writing this down? If you need time to write, tell me and I will pause. Are you ready now? Okay, good.
- The Islamic Resistance Movement believes that the land of Palestine is an Islamic Waqf consecrated for future Moslem generations. Hariq? It's spelt W-a-q-f. You should know this Hariq. Yes, I know you have had a difficult week, but forget about her and concentrate on writing this down before I forget it. You have other cousins and a hot sister, so put her out of your mind. Okay, we got to Waqf, oh Allah, what was next? Oh yes, until Judgement Day. It, or any part of it, should not be squandered: it, or any part of it, should not be given up. Hariq, where did you buy that shirt? Oh, I thought so. I almost bought one myself. and thus.
- There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad and the death of those with a poor taste in fashion. Why are you looking at me like that? No, Jihad isn't my solution for everything, but it's the only solution here. No, I won't talk to them because their Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors. Did you write that bit down? Good, I was like totally in the zone there. Okay, now something catchy to close with. Hariq, is that someone at the door? You ordered pizza? You do not eat pizza now, you are working. Okay, go collect it but by Allah you will not touch a slice until we finish this charter. Stop that, you're eating the pepperoni pieces! Yes, I can see you. Look, put the box over there and then get back to writing. Damn, look at these trousers I have to wear to blend in with the cursed zionists. Look at the cut, and the poor stitching. The ones who sewed these deserved to be exterminated in Fashion Camps
- After Palestine, the Zionists aspire to expand from the Nile to the Euphrates. When they will have digested the region they overtook, they will aspire to further expansion, and so on. Their plan is embodied in the "Protocols of the Elders of Zion", and Passion of the Christ and their present conduct is the best proof of what we are saying. Shut-up Hariq, of course that's proof. Don't argue with me, I'm the leader. Take that speech and send that to the lads. Hariq, do you want to make-out? Okay okay, just asking."
- Durka durka durka muhammed jihad, muhammed muhammed palestine, muhammed jihad, jihad, jihad, zionist oppressor, jihad, jihad, muhammed, durka durka durka"-Transliteration of translation of the original Arabic
- "Durka durka durka muhammad strife, muhammad muhammad palestine, muhammad strife, strife, strife, pro-Israel guardian, strife, strife, muhammed, durka durka durka"-Translation of the above quote from Arabic to Chinese then from Chinese to English
Hamas and Ham and Hummus[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, there is little relation between hamas and hummus other than they both pertain to the Arab World. One could argue that hummus is the fuel that sustains the hamas fighters on the field because they cannot eat ham and cannot eat ass for various reasons.
Filthy Imperialist commentary[edit | edit source]
According to the Washington Institute, Hamas views the Arab-Israeli conflict as "a fashion struggle between Islam and Judaism that can only be resolved by the destruction of the State of Israel." Hamas uses both fashion show activities and fasho-terrorism to pursue its goal of establishing an Islamic Metrosexual Palestinian state in place of Israel and the secular Palestinian Authority. As of 2004, Hamas' strength is concentrated in the Gaza Strip and a few areas of the West Bank. Israeli military operations during the Anti-Payis Revolution in 5760 put pressure on Hamas in the West Bank following several bombings in Israel for which Hamas claimed responsibility.
Charity work[edit | edit source]
Hamas has also engaged in peaceful political activity, such as trying to use nonviolence. to have Jews watch "Arab eye for the Jewish guy" and peace protests aimed at dispelling the belief that kippot and tfillin are "in this season". While the group boycotted the 2005 Palestinian fashion runway show, it did participate in 2005 Metrosexual Muslim Elections in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, supporting Ryan Seacrest. In those elections it won control of over one third of Palestinian municipal councils, besting Fatah, which has traditionally been "the biggest force in Palestinian designer Quaffias." With this electoral success behind it, Hamas will be contesting the 2006 elections for the Palestinian Legislative Council, running on the position of all fashion and no compromise - or DEATH to kippah wearers (kippot were SO last millennium!).