9/11
Nominated Article
“September 11 was about so much more than buildings falling, people dying and American showing its resilience. So much more.”
On Tuesday, September 11, 2001, a Special Unit of Osama Bin Laden's TerrorCo company (owned by Al‑Qaeda); employed 19 people to supposedly fly four commercial passenger jet airliners into buildings, the Pentagon and farm land to accomplish one of the biggest life insurance scams, false-flag operations and inside jobs the world has ever seen. On that infamous day, a total of 2,997 people died, four planes became unusable, some skyscrapers fell like pancakes and a large swathe of grass in Pennsylvania became littered with shrapnel and corpses. Worse than that, a thousand people's plane tickets suddenly became useless (there is little sign of refunds ever given) and millions of people were unable to fly.
It is believed the greatest tragedy was Sam Worthington, a brave firefighter from North Dakota, was unable to see the piano recital of his daughter, Susie, with Downs syndrome. She played Beethoven's "Fur Elise" to a local auditorium that had only her mother, grandparents, multiple siblings, cousins and extended family. Her father, however, was stuck in the Kalamazoo airport. Seemingly no one in the airport could give him any information about when they could take off so he rented a car and rushed to Bismarck, North Dakota, but missed the recital. His daughter, was very sad her father, the firefighter hero, wasn't there. 9/11 had more victims than just incinerated bodies in the World Trade Center. It also hurt piano playing girls with down syndrome. As well, a lot of airline meals went bad, totally uneaten. It was such a waste of perfectly mediocre airline food. Such a waste.
Billions worldwide were shocked by the incident and were deceived by the US Government into believing Osama Bin Laden was responsible. What's worse, the majority still believe he was the mastermind. Even worse: that same majority does not care to know the truth and/or doesn't want to accept it (especially in North America). The truth, the real truth, is so mundane and obvious, it hurts our fragile human minds to believe it. So instead, we believe that there is some boogeyman religion out there trying to get us. Nah, it's all about something we will get to later, though it will at first shock you, but then, not seem that surprising! Little Suzie in North Dakota though, she knew the truth. So do we here at Uncyclopedia. So do we.
Incipit
The US Government told us right after the attacks, what seems to be the common assumption today, that 19 young men with a few years of training and maybe forty flight hours, carrying feeble shanks made from Pepsi bottles and a few cans of pepper spray, carried out the most terrific and successful terrorist attack of all times, bringing down two 110‑story buildings that were the most economically important in history, the most secure places in the whole world, in less than two hours wiping out trillions in GDP and causing nearly three thousand people to take their last breaths, all without any military intervention of any kind whatsoever. LOL.
As the most gullible humans on Earth who could be convinced that vaccines are bad and low, low, low taxes for the rich are great, Americans bought the whole story because who would dare attack the land of freedom other than desert dwelling cretins from some scary evil religion?
People don't seem to realize that 9/11 was planned decades in advance when President Bush was most motivated to achieve his ultimate goal. It was executed with the utmost precision. It was part of a plan so secret it required thousands of plotters to all keep their mouths shut (except us) and do their roles without fail. And it worked. By God it worked. Until a few of us here "in the know" spilt the beans.
Either the terrorists got extremely lucky, so lucky in fact that the rules of physics and even chemistry collapsed during the attack along with the towers themselves, or something is dreadfully wrong here. How could a structure that engineers designed and built to "survive multiple impacts and fire from a 707‑340 carrying 23,000 gallons of fuel" implode in on itself in nine or ten minutes? Of course none of this squares up, because George Bush had a greater plan.
Background
Years prior to September 11, 2001, members of the Special George W Bush Unit were infiltrating Al‑Qaeda to make sure Bin Laden was still alive and still sending hideous statements against the United States of America. Those Special Unit members suggested to Al‑Qaeda that some of its best men (the young educated rich ones, not the creepy bumpkins with missing teeth) become sleeper cells in America and learn to fly airplanes so that terrorist acts could be performed in American territory. More than $10,000,000 was wired to Al‑Qaeda through the Pakistani Intelligence so that terrorists could be sent to flying schools in the U.S. This wasn't Bush's money but money appropriated from the tax payers. We believe that money was meant to go to disabled, retarded single, crack addicted mothers living in the worst neighborhoods of Baltimore and Detroit. Bush needed that money more.
Using the tax money paid by the American people, the Special Unit made sure that Al‑Qaeda members could sleep under a roof, eat and attend the best flying schools in America while living the dream of all young Arab men in the Gulf: going to American night clubs and unsuccessfully trying to hit on American girls being brutally shut down by all of them again and again to the point they had to resort to finding whores in the street to fuck in the back of their cheap car while avoiding the police. It was utterly heaven for those few months, trying their luck on white skinned blonde young women and bombing every time. That is, until they flew into buildings and the ground and ended up in Islamic heaven (where they actually did get to copulate with limitless virgins).
The reason
Some people say it was all just a chance for Bush to start a war. That is nonsense. While war was something of a bonus – Bush's cabinet and buddies made a lot of money and white soldiers had a hell of a time shooting civilian Arabs – that wasn't the motive.
Others say it was a way to exert control over Americans through fear and a common enemy. What fools. Everything the U.S. government does accomplishes that (since the nation's inception). You don't need buildings falling down to keep the people in line, buying government rhetoric and addicted to a scapegoat enemy, all to keep Americans stupid and placid. They always have been. The real reason? The honest to God motivation behind the attacks? Bush's coke habit.
Yeah. To say that Bush's coke habit was out of control would be like saying a tornado is a gust of wind. He did stop drinking, eventually, but he never gave up coke. By the time Bush ran his first business into the ground, he was so into coke that five percent of his body was at any given time a coca plant derivative. Now you might ask, was his habit really that bad? Oh yeah, even with his daddy's money (Bush Senior), he couldn't live a life of ruining every opportunity he came across, partying and living in semi-luxury and maintain a severe coke habit. He knew that eventually his funds would run out but his habit would only increase. His bid for the presidency was entirely based on his genius plan to become President, own a majority stake in the World Trade Centre, have it knocked down, collect the insurance money and do unlimited coke for life. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE who claims Bush was an idiot, is an even bigger idiot. He was a monumental genius who pulled of what no one else ever could. Not even Hitler.
The plan
The technology
By now you are willing to believe that 9/11 was all about Bush's coke habit (why would we lie) but people still want a little more convincing and to know how was it pulled off? Of course huge planes with tons of fuel travelling at incredible speeds cannot take down a skyscraper. That is just unfathomable. So how was it done? In reality, the Bush administration paid a bunch of junkies to dress up as janitors and plant explosives on every floor of the WTC. The wiring was done later by Carl Rove. They hired some Korean mathematical geniuses to work out detonation sequences. Plane goes into building, Bush hits the big red button, building falls down in case plane doesn't take it out (which of course it couldn't). It's not magic, it's the motivation of a coke habit. If you don't believe us now then your school system failed you.
How did they convince a bunch of Arabs to fly the plane into the building? You need only go around the Middle East after America's peaceful interventions in the region for a day or two until you will find thousands of angry rabid furious volunteers. The trick though, is to get those who are rich and educated enough to pull it off. Flight school, extreme theological indoctrination, keeping your mouth shut? You can't get a street urchin to do that. Nah, you need upper class Saudi's who are well off and entitled but still furious, to pull this off. Again, don't call Bush stupid, he was single handedly the biggest genius in all of history, just weighed down by an unfortunate coke habit. He was, after all, only human.
Getting from A to B
Bush's plan was masterful and required cunning and deception at all levels, every step of the way. Bush first had to sabotage his brothers presidential aspirations (who were much more capable politicians). He had cokehead women (and men) seduce his brothers into torrid affairs and then bribed them with the videos to bow out of political races. He also had to win the Texas gubernatorial election (easy) and the presidential election (a lot more expensive). He did it by paying 5,000 cokeheads (with coke) in Florida to not only vote for him as the Republican candidate but fuck up the voting machines with hanging chads. How did he find 5,000 cokeheads? Well first of all, it's Florida right? He also has a lifelong debilitating coke habit, of course he could easily find them. He then just pretended to be a genuine president who gave a shit about running a country while really all his efforts went to securing a majority share in the WTC, insuring the buildings for a lot of money and then orchestrating 9/11 while blaming it on Saudi jihadists. Not even Napoleon could have pulled off this shit.
How did he keep everyone silent?
Coke. He fueled everyone else's coke habit with his mountain of coke (he had it stashed in warehouses all over the country). He used places like Mouth Rushmore, the St. Louis arch and the Hollywood sign to store tons of coke. It's no coincidence that his entire political cabinet including Rumsfeld, Rice and Powel were rampant junkies. Dick Cheney was the biggest of all (why do you think he shot a man while hunting). The oval office was basically a junky hideout only they did sort of manage the country in between coke spells. They ate more takeout pizza than Clinton's cabinet had.
How do you know? Everyone at Uncyclopedia is a recovering drug addict. As reformed people, we are no longer stuck holding down the lie the rest of the world bought. Again, why would we lie?
The Pentagon and the plane
Nobody cares about the Pentagon and that other plane. It was just a sideshow to make this larger story seem credible. No one really remembers that shit anymore.
Conspiracy theories
Most of the conspiracy theories had some line of truth; except of course, no one made the connection to Bush's coke habit, which was the real motive. Just look inside Bush's nose; he no longer has any function of smell or live nerve endings and is scheduled for a full out nose replacement. He is currently, in his old age, sitting at home, watching golf and shooting up coke right into his veins until his new nose is in action.
An alternative theory
Don't believe any other story. This is the only story you need to know.
Aftermath
Was it worth it? Bush doesn't seem repentant. World chaos, murderous wars, American heroes buried under rubble, more jihadists attacks in Europe, instability abound and the subversion of American democracy? Pfff. All that pales in comparison with limitless sweet sweet beautiful coke. Laura Bush feels a little bad sometimes, but then snorts a line and forgets any sense of guilt. No one in the future will ever pull off a more incredible accomplishment as 9/11. God bless America.
