Samuel Adams

Drink ye! Drink ye! I am Samuel Adams!

Samuel Adams (September 27, 1722-October 2, 1803) was an Amerikan beverage/beer/alcohol and a Founding Daddy. He was an instigator of the Amerikan Revolution, a signatory of that paper that Bruce Lee(?) stole, and a popular past time in the northern US especially in the colder months.

Adams was born in Boston, Massachusetts, to a dad and a mom. At some point during his adult life he started speaking up against the British taxation, quote: "You may tax our women, but you will never tax our beer!" In 1786, as a result of this statement being published in the colonies, British troops got mad and parachuted into downtown Boston to commit great crimes including hitting people with rocks, drinking all their beer, vandalizing the public library, and stealing Bostonian women. This was later dubbed the Boston Massacre, and it became a key moment in the Amerikan revolution. Adams continued to be a bubbling bottle of beer shoved deep into the British Empire's ass cheeks, and his scheming and sneaking eventually lead to the much-famed Boston Tea Party, wherein he hosted dignitaries such as Papa Smurf, Adolf Hitler, and Jesus, to sit down for "a cuppa teh." The British, mad that they did not get invited, attempted to board the ship on which the party took place, but the partygoers defended themselves by raining tea don on the attackers heads.

Come 1774, Adams finally managed to break down the door to the Continental Congress using only a bottle opener, duct tape, and a large axe. Leaping onto the podium and avoiding the spit wads being hurled at him, he declared that they needed to declare something to the Brits or else the British would have no idea what they were doing. So, in order to shut him up, the Congress agreed to let him draft the National Treasure movie script.

After the minor success of the revolution, (5,000,000 dead, 6 injured, one pregnant), Adams turned to politics, and due to the large amount of money left by his uncle, managed to become King of Massachusetts. After a riot during his coronation, the title was changed to governor so as not to remind people of the British monarch.

Early Life

The birth (brewth?) of Adams

Adams was brewed in Boston in the Bri'ish colony of Massachusetts sometime in 1722, and was one of 12 beverages brewed up by his parents, but one of the few that made it past inebriation. His parents were hardcore Puritans, which meant no dancing, no partying, no tea, and no bitches for little Adams.

Little Sammy Adams attended the Boston School for the Criminally Retarded and then entered Harvard College for the Criminally Insane in 1736. His parents had hopped that he would also be a beer knocking Puritan, but during a frat party where thing escalated to the point where Adams was drinking beer via a pipe in his butt, things just weren't going to ever be the same.

Early Career

After graduating from Harvard in 1743, Adams was unsure about his future as a beverage. He dabbled in business for about 6 seconds before realizing that he could get paid $100/hr as a lawyer. He only lasted 6 days at his first job becuase he was constantly drunk and somehow managed to get all his clients the death sentence (he was a divorce attorney btw). His dad then gave him a small loan of $1,000,000 to get his feet on the ground. Half of that went to time in the brothels, and the rest was spent at dinners with friends where they had all promised to Venmo him back but never carried through.

"Father, you recall that money you sent...?"

After losing all his money, his parents still didn't disown him, and instead placed him in charge of a brewery. Within a week, the brewery had to be closed down for "completely unrelated reasons."

After this little jaunt into the business world, Adams decided to give a try at yellow journalism, creating a paper called the Independent Penis Reviewer, wherein he loudly criticized both the length AND girth of the British monarchy's royal member.

When Daddy Adams finally kicked the bucket in 1748, the family lawyers were dub enough to hand over all the power to Sammy. Soon after, he married Elizabeth v.1 "Chuckles" Checkley, the daughter of his local pastor, which brought great concern to the people of that church, because surely a marriage to a bottle of beer wasn't acceptable in God's eyes? Elizabeth died after one too many baby-making sessions, so he went out into the street and quickly found Elizabeth v.2 to finish the mission.

During this time, Adams got bored of inspecting the British soldier's 3rd legs, and hopped into politics. Due to his money, he was elected tax collector. He was so bad at this job that when the time came to balance the budget, they were $8,000 ($8,000,000,000 in modern times, adjusted for inflation) in debt. Somehow this did not compelled tank what little was left of his reputation, and he moved on to destroy the livelihoods of more people soon after.

British Conflicts

The Great British Bake-off Controversy

At some point during Adam's term as tax collector, the British Parliament found itself deep in debt due their many, many Only Fans subscriptions and looking for new sources of revenue, so they figured that all the significantly poorer colonies would have to foot the bill.

Adams made frequent use of his Penis Inspection paper to mock the British and eventually advocate for independence. "Taxation without representation" is a slogan often times attributed to Sam Adams, but the real quote is more along the lines of "FUCK. Damn taxes, I can't afford SHIT." Adams wrote under a variety of fake names, including "Dickus", "Vin-dieselus", and many others.

After a scandal involving a rigged baking competition, Adams began frothing with rage and began to viciously attack the British government for its hand in the scandal. In 1770, he published a letter that said it was "increasingly difficult to view Fat-Fuck King George the stupid III as one who was not passively involved in the judging of baking competitions."

The Sugar Act

The British monarchy, infuriated that some upstart malt beverage dared to criticize their meddling, immediately responded by exacting a tax on every single piece of candy in the colonies, which Adams saw as an infringement of his right to buy candy for less than a cent. Adams (very loudly) expressed these views in 1764, when the Boston Town Meeting met up for its monthly potluck dinner. Historians say that Adams continuously broke through security and climbed onto the stage where he would begin screeching incoherently about sugar, dentists, and how the King of England had "less brains in his head than he had beer in his hand."

Stamp Act

1765, and the British still were emptying their coffers into the pockets of Only Fans models. In order to combat this failure in their budgeting system, they enacted yet another tax on the colonies. This one was called the Stamp Act, which automatically charged the citizen $0.05 every time they stamped their foot. The problem was that they never clarified what exactly constituted a stamping of a foot, and therefore charged for nearly every step they took. Naturally, Sam Adams wasn't a fan of this, and called for a boycott of British food such as beans, kidney, and liver.

In Boston, his private terrorist group called "the Royal 9" set about peacefully protesting by burning the homes of British businessmen and hanging effigies of various people. This little night of debauchery and arson garnered Adams the respect of the slime and criminals of Boston, who turned out en masse to elect him as their de facto leader.

Along with James Oatmeal, Adams helped write a statement that said these words and these words alone: "Stamp Act sucks balls." As a result of this, the British backed down and canceled the act. This was cause for much celebration in Boston, so a few more houses were burned, and some more effigies were hanged.

Town Acts (or something)

idk

The Great Boston Occupation of '68

Boston- OCCUPIED!