Samuel Adams

Samuel Adams, circa 1777

“I was never quite capable of understanding the importance of alcohol to the average American.”

– Oscar Wilde on Sam Adams

“Four score and seven beers ago...”

– Samuel Adams on American History

Samuel Adams (September 27, 1722 – October 2, 1803) was an American beverage/beer/alcohol and a Founding Daddy. He was an instigator of the American Revolution, a signatory of that paper that Bruce Lee(?) stole, and a popular past time in the northern US especially in the colder months.

Adams was born in Boston, Massachusetts, to a dad and a mom. At some point during his adult life he started speaking up against the British taxation, quote: "You may tax our women, but you will never tax our beer!" In 1786, as a result of this statement being published in the colonies, British troops got mad and parachuted into downtown Boston to commit great crimes including hitting people with rocks, drinking all their beer, vandalizing the public library, and stealing Bostonian women. This was later dubbed the Boston Massacre, and it became a key moment in the American revolution. Adams continued to be a bubbling bottle of beer shoved deep into the British Empire's ass cheeks, and his scheming and sneaking eventually lead to the much-famed Boston Tea Party, wherein he hosted dignitaries such as Papa Smurf, Adolf Hitler, and Jesus, to sit down for "a cuppa teh." The British, mad that they did not get invited, attempted to board the ship on which the party took place, but the partygoers defended themselves by raining tea down on the attackers heads.

Come 1774, Adams finally managed to break down the door to the Continental Congress using only a bottle opener, duct tape, and a large axe. Leaping onto the podium and avoiding the spit wads being hurled at him, he declared that they needed to declare something to the Brits or else the British would have no idea what they were doing. So, in order to shut him up, the Congress agreed to let him draft the National Treasure movie script.

After the minor success of the revolution, (5,000,000 dead, 6 injured, one pregnant), Adams turned to politics, and due to the large amount of money left by his uncle, managed to become King of Massachusetts. After a riot during his coronation, the title was changed to 'Sole Emperor of Boston-Land' so as not to remind his people of the British monarchy.

Early life

The birth (brewth?) of Adams

Adams was brewed in Boston in the Bri'ish colony of Massachusetts sometime in 1722, and was one of 12 beverages brewed up by his parents, but one of the few that made it past inebriation. His parents were hardcore Puritans, which meant no dancing, no partying, no tea, and no bitches for little Adams.

Little Sammy Adams attended the Boston School for the Criminally Retarded and then entered Harvard College for the Criminally Insane in 1736. His parents had hopped that he would also be a beer knocking Puritan, but during a frat party where thing escalated to the point where Adams was drinking beer via a pipe in his butt, things just weren't going to ever be the same.

Early career

After graduating from Harvard in 1743, Adams was unsure about his future as a beverage. He dabbled in business for about 6 seconds before realizing that he could get paid $100/hr as a lawyer. He only lasted 6 days at his first job because he was constantly drunk and somehow managed to get all his clients the death sentence (he was a divorce attorney btw). His dad then gave him a small loan of $1,000,000 to get his feet on the ground. Half of that went to time in the brothels, and the rest was spent at dinners with friends where they had all promised to Venmo him back but never followed through.

"Father, you recall that money you sent...?"

After losing all his money, his parents still didn't disown him, and instead placed him in charge of a brewery. Within a week, the brewery had to be closed down for "completely unrelated reasons."

After this little jaunt into the business world, Adams decided to give a try at yellow journalism, creating a paper called the Independent Penis Reviewer, wherein he loudly criticized both the length AND girth of the British monarchy's royal member.

When Daddy Adams finally kicked the bucket in 1748, the family lawyers were dumb enough to hand over all the power to Sammy. Soon after, he married Elizabeth v.1 "Chuckles" Checkley, the daughter of his local pastor, which brought great concern to the people of that church, because surely a marriage between a bottle of beer and a woman of the night wasn't acceptable in God's eyes? Elizabeth died after one too many baby-making sessions, so he went out into the street and quickly found Elizabeth v.2 to finish the mission.

During this time, Adams got bored of inspecting the British soldiers' 3rd legs, and hopped into politics. Due to his money, he was elected tax collector. He was so bad at this job that when the time came to balance the budget, they were $8,000 ($8,000,000,000 in modern times, adjusted for inflation) in debt. Somehow this did not completely tank what little was left of his reputation, and he moved on to destroy the livelihoods of more people soon after.

British conflicts

A real tweet from Samuel Adams!

Great British Bake Off Controversy

At some point during Adam's term as tax collector, the British Parliament found itself deep in debt due their many, many Only Fans subscriptions and looking for new sources of revenue, so they figured that all the significantly poorer colonies would have to foot the bill.

Adams made frequent use of his Penis Inspection paper to mock the British and eventually advocate for independence. "Taxation without representation" is a slogan often times attributed to Sam Adams, but the real quote is more along the lines of "FUCK. Damn taxes, I can't afford SHIT." Adams wrote under a variety of fake names, including "Dickus", "Vin-dieselus", and many others.

After a scandal involving a rigged baking competition, Adams began frothing with rage and began to viciously attack the British government for its hand in the scandal. In 1770, he published a letter that said it was "increasingly difficult to view Fat-Fuck King George the stupid III as one who was not passively involved in the judging of baking competitions."

Sugar Act

The British monarchy, infuriated that some upstart malt beverage dared to criticize their meddling, immediately responded by exacting a tax on every single piece of candy in the colonies, which Adams saw as an infringement of his right to buy candy for less than a cent. Adams (very loudly) expressed these views in 1764, when the Boston Town Meeting met up for its monthly potluck dinner. Historians say that Adams continuously broke through security and climbed onto the stage where he would begin screeching incoherently about sugar, dentists, and how the King of England had "less brains in his head than he had beer in his hand."

Stomp Act

1765, and the British still were emptying their coffers into the pockets of Only Fans models. In order to combat this failure in their budgeting system, they enacted yet another tax on the colonies. This one was called the Stomp Act, which automatically charged the citizen $0.05 every time they stamped their foot. The problem was that they never clarified what exactly constituted a stamping of a foot, and therefore charged for nearly every step they took. Naturally, Sam Adams wasn't a fan of this, and called for a boycott of British food such as beans, kidney, and liver.

In Boston, his private terrorist group called "the Royal 9" set about peacefully protesting by burning the homes of British businessmen and hanging effigies of various people. This little night of joy and celebration garnered Adams the respect of the slime and criminals of Boston, who turned out en masse to elect him as their de facto leader.

Along with James Oatmeal, Adams helped write a statement that said these words and these words alone: "Stomp Act sucks balls." As a result of this, the British backed down and canceled the act. This was cause for much celebration in Boston, so a few more houses were burned, and some more effigies were hanged.

Village Acts (or something)

AP: Image of propaganda used by Adams' gang

Parliament was back to footing the bill for the Only Fans purchases once again, and after about a week of the royalty only eating gruel to save money, they quickly changed course and decided to once again tax the colonies. In 1767, they dropped the Village Acts, which basically just taxed everything and everyone. Since the tax rate was real low, it took a hot minute for the plebs to take notice of it and begin to rage and seethe. Adams (as usual) was at the forefront of the angry mob, and used the Boston Town Meeting to setup a boycott of British liver and beans.

In 1768, Adams and his gang of cronies sent some hate mail to King George, which angered him so much that he sent one of his warships to sit in the harbor. It sank due to the extremely fat British soldiers on board, and to save face, they blamed the Americans and promptly stole a ship from John Handick. There was a huge riot wherein several Taco Bells were burned down, and plenty of people got black eyes and herpes. The local British governor panicked, and quickly requested the British army to come rescue him.

Great Boston Occupation of '68

Adams' gang soon got wind of the incoming British troops, and set up an emergency meeting. Some ideas proposed were: pee in all the wells, feed the cows toxins, burn the city down, and pretend to have the black plague. Ultimately they ended up doing nothing, and the British arrived unmolested.

He did say this, go look it up.

Adams was livid that the people did nothing in the face of occupation, and this was his turning point to becoming a pure terrorist. He began churning out yellow journalism accusing the British of violating the Bill of Rites [sic]. Some of the troops inevitably left after getting bored, but the rest stayed around to harass the locals, which ended in a mass killing of 5 WHOLE BOSTONIANS!!!! Historians claim that Adams incited the killing by paying the British 5 pence each to take potshots at the Boston locals. The British eventually backed down and hid all their troops in a nearby castle, but would not take the soldiers who shot to trial, which resulted in an explosion on Twitter.

Great Harbor Party of '73

You WISH you were at this party!

It was late 1773, and Adams got the bright idea to throw a party for all the famous people that he could. Inviting people from near and far, attendees included Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Mohandas Gandhi, Malcolm X, Tupac, Rihanna, and a homeless man from 6th street. The party was funded by the Boston Cock-us, which had been assembled for this very purpose.

All was going well, with the party in full swing aboard a ship anchored in the harbor, but very soon the British took notice and wondered why no Brit had been invited. Mad at the "damn disrespect," they quickly moved to assault the floating party and sink it. The partygoers realized something was wrong when people in red coats and fuzzy hats began swarming up the sides of the ship, and with Adam's rallying cry of "Beer me, lads!" they all began to fight off the attackers by dumping buckets of tea powder onto their heads, creating a toxic miasma in the air and in the water that killed up to 3 British soldiers and sent 7 others home with tea-borne illnesses.

The party continued on afterwards, but Adams quickly went home and got the presses rolling to embellish the story and tell it to the world how he, Samuel Adams, had single-handedly fought off the entire British Navy with "nothing but a bottle of beer in my hand, and tea in my tummy."

Viva la Revolución!

England was quite pissed at all the things that had been going down in Boston as of late, and quickly put down the boot on their fun by enacting some new Acts. One of them said that colonists could be shipped off-world to mars for crimes against the state, and the other insisted that tea be taxed triple. Adams wasn't having any of this, so quickly ran off to start the 1st Continental Congress of Boston in America, or the CCBA. The British general in Boston, Tommy Gage, wanted to join, but they locked the doors on him and left him in the cold, which left him angry and quite cold. For the first several hours, Adams was also locked out, but he managed to break his way in with violence, much to the dismay of the Congress who had been assured the door lock would keep out the peasantry.

First CCBA

CCBA #1

The first CCBA was a hoot and a holler, involving much drinking and laughter. Delegates all got drunk and then vied to create the most creative insults against the British monarchy. Not much else got done, so a 2nd CCBA was proposed midway through the meeting, and was passed by a total group. Adams then went home, but on the way there while still drunk, he mumbled on of the more creative insults under his breath near a British soldier, who then went and reported it to General Tommy Gage. Gage, still depressed that he wasn't allowed to join in the 1st CCBA let alone the second, decided to have his revenge. He dispatched some troops to go steal all the guns and gunpowder in Boston, which would have the effect of not letting them hunt or have fireworks. The local nosy HOA leader, Paul Revere, overheard them and quickly took to Twitter to alert everyone about what was happening. A few sleepy farmers stumbled out of bed in Lexington and Concord, and were promptly shot. These were the very first "battles" of the revolutionary war.

Second CCBA

The 2nd CCBA was nothing more than the same as the first: drinking and debauchery. At the very end, Adams did nominate Georgie Washing Machine to be the leader of the armed forces, which they did agree on. He also discussed the idea of a Dick-laration of Independence, and the Articles of the Confederation of Trade Union Separatists.

In late 1781, Adams finally retired from the CCBA board. He was getting old and fat, (mostly fat), and he wanted to go back to Boston to enjoy cheap beer and pretzels in the company of barely literate individuals.

The Return of the Thing (or Mr. Adams Goes Home)

Even though he was now retired and could go bang chicks in Aruba or whatever it is old people do, Adams had stuck his nose in politics, and quite simply couldn't pull it out. He lived in a tent in the middle of a main road, causing much trouble to passersby, and also served as the leader of the Bostonian Overly-Nice Committee, or the BONC.

Adams also got into frequent tiffs with Handick, whom he hated because he was richer than he was. When it came time to thank Handick for being president of the CCBA, Adams vetoed the signing of the group thank-you card. Adams nearly lost his mind later in 1777 when Massachusetts voted to elect Handick as their governor, sending Adams into a partial coma.

Adams wasn't content to just be a leader of the BONC, so he submitted his name in the race for House of Representatives member. He lost to a fish, and wasn't ever truly himself after that. Somehow, in 1789, the people elected him to become Lieutenant governor of Massachusetts under Handick, and he served int that role until Handick croaked. He was acting governor for about 3 seconds before crowning himself 'King of Massachusetts' and then, fearing the retribution of his vassals for becoming what they hated most, (a king), he declared instead a new regime with himself as the "Sole Emperor of Boston-Land." He attempted to become the vice president of the US as well, but lost to a man going by the name of Jeffrey.

In 1803, after drinking far to much of himself, he passed away at the age of 81. There was much celebrating in the nation of Boston-Land, which was then quickly annexed by the neighboring United States of America and turned into the state of Massachusetts. His body was buried in the middle of the street where he had lived in a tent for so long, but he was soon dug up in order to make way for a sewer. His body was then kept in a shed until 2017, when it was found and ground up into bone meal in an attempt to make trees grow faster in an apple orchard.

Legassy de Samuele Adamz

Some remember him as the guy on a beer bottle, others remember his as the beer itself. But none can deny that his meddling in various affairs during colonial times were part of the reason that some people got shot and a whole lot of papers got signed. Shrines are set up in Boston to remember him, each having a statue of him crafted from wet newspaper, cigarettes, and half-full beer bottles. Worshipers join hands in a circle around the shrine, get drunk, and read from his ramblings.

Some historians say he is one of the earliest recorded terrorists, while others say he was nothing more than "a man without a plan, and perhaps too much beer in his tummy."

See also

• USA
• Congress
• American Revolution
• Dance Dance Revolution
• Beer
• Alcohol
• Boston
• Massachusetts