Dentists are strange people who derive an unusual pleasure from causing other people serious pain. They all have strange regional accents which make them incomprehensible to any human being not from Birmingham. This dialect barrier is accentuated by the fact that many dentists wear "safety masks", supposed to stop the transmission of germs, but which are rumoured to hide the fact that the dentist in question is salivating hideously (or that they have filthy teeth).
English dentists historically took pride in the fact that they could pull more teeth out of a person's jaw in a minute than the dentist down the road. If they had high-tech tools like a crescent wrench on their dentist's table, they were considered to be national successes. In countries like America, where dentists all own very large houses (we wonder why), dentists used to be treated with disdain and contempt, especially by those of hillbilly origin. Hillbillies simply cannot see the point of letting someone else look at their tooth when Emily-Sue is perfectly capable. However, dentists owe their very existence to the hillbillies - the toothbrush was, of course, invented in Kentucky. Historians have never backed up this claim but they do say "Well if it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush," and then they smile smugly.
As far as this article is concerned, no dentists have ever stood out as interesting people, nor has a dentist ever prevented nuclear war or changed the course of history (except when the great dentist in the sky invented pain).
How to Spot a Dentist
Generally speaking, dentists do not tend to leave their offices. If you do see a dentist outside his office, telephone the emergency services at once because said dentist has probably blinded himself with the dentistry light. Otherwise dentists can only usually be seen once every six months. On the rare occasion that a dentist is sighted again, you should be warned, as a large amount of pain is coming your way. Even if nothing is wrong with your teeth, expect to lose a couple of incisors, and maybe a premolar if the dentist's in a bad mood.
|What the dentist says he's doing||What he's actually doing|
|I'm giving you a local anaesthetic so you don't feel anything||I'm numbing your mouth so you can't answer back anymore|
|I'm drilling into your tooth and putting the filling in||I'm making an artificial cavity in your tooth and pouring hot lead down the hole|
|I'm cleaning your teeth with this instrument||I'm using a tool sharper than a needle to make the same noise you get when you run your fingers down the blackboard|
|I'm putting this gel in your mouth to make a cast of your teeth||I'm shoving some stuff that looks and tastes like plasticine on your teeth to watch you grimace|
|I'm seeing the way your teeth are aligned using this wax||I'm using wax to leave a bad taste on your mouth. Then I'm lighting it to burn your gums|
Ways to Make Visiting the Dentist more Enjoyable
- Try and make anyone who's visiting with you laugh while they're in the chair. This plan may backfire, so use with caution.
- Ask stupid questions to confuse the dentist.
- Use technical language when he talks down to you.
- Nod when he makes a point.
All dentists unquestionably worship Klaaaaaaaaaaaaktos the inedible, a fierce and almighty deity, who is also known to work part time at Subway; as a prostitute, also known for his oversized teeth that is the most whitest thing in existance, only narrowly beating the White Ranger.
The church of Dentistry follows 43 unquestioned beliefs. Some of these are:
- All must worship Klaaaaaaktos
- If thinks one does not worship Klaaaaaktos, they are a liar. EVERYONE WORSHIPS HIM! They just do not know it yet.
- Insurance, sharks are angels, the tooth fairy is satan.
- Always move abruptly, especially when your son is Willy Wonka
- There is no such thing as a soy latte
- All must worship Klaaaaaaaktos
- If a mistake happens, punch him in the mouth, he can't sue if he's got a broken jaw
- All must worship Klaaaaaaaktos
- Toothbrushes mean less money, thus destroy any and all you see
- The trix rabbit, toucan sam, the weird coco pops monkey, count chocula and the M&M's are evil, yet bring you more money. Ironic in a way
- Saruman is Klaaaaaaktos' representative/love child
- Dental Plan! Lisa needs braces!
- Amy Winehouse is not welcome here
- 43 beliefs are too much, why oh why do we need this many?
- Don't eat the yellow teeth or the snow, I pissed on them
- If you ask for change and smell like alcohol and urine, you are not a dentist (in some cases)
“Jesus was a better carpenter than you, and my ravioli is much better than your mom's! But you make a damned fine cheese cake!”
He then proceeded to soil himself.