Fireworks is the art of packing a thin paper bag full over uber-dangerous explosives, and igniting them so that they travel at screamin' speeds at (hopefully) the nerd in big glasses, or the fag that sneaks off with your girlfriend. The dangerous explosives make sure that the wooden shards embed themselves deep into the skin of your victim and leave him very pissed off and scarred for life.
History of fireworks
Most historians agree, Fireworks are basically the best invention ever made. They came to be when the ancient Chinese scientist Yi Chang Wong Yang Liu Lu Song Chang Fang Sang Meng Jou So Lim Li's second cousin twice removed the Third's brother, decided that it would be fun to wake up his roommate in the most annoying way possible. He spent months in his secret underground lab plundering reactive and hazardous materials from the chemistry building under which his lair was based. After much experimentation and extencive testing, he developed what is now commonly referred to as the Atom Bomb / Your mum's farts.
The following morning he snuck into his dorm room and lit the "fuse" of his new-found device. His roommate didn't have time to react before the entire building was incinerated. The blast sent a massive shockwave all over the world, causing the American stock market to collapse. This shockwave also disturbed the depths what is now known as hell, see public television, causing Satan to fall into a fit of rage, destroying half the country.
Other countries witnessed the blast from space using primitive satellite technology, and decided they would like to capture this source of infinite energy for use in war. Early attempts to frighten enemies into submission by means of blinding lights and deafening noises were a failure. The enemy most often was destroyed, along with the majority of the hemisphere on which the projectile was used, thus defeating the purpose of frightening them.
While most experts agree that the Chinese never used fireworks for military purposes themselves, an ancient text shows clear proof that the assumption is false. In his recently discovered personal memoirs, General Sum Ting Went Wong states that he had great success firing off several fireworks, and then running over and slitting the opposing army's throats while they were gawking at the pretty colors.
Modern uses of fireworks
- Waking up someone who sleeps (too) soundly with pain and sound maximised.
- Threatening helpless kids to give you their money.
- Unfashionable scars.
- Blasting a side off someone's face so they look...um...prettier?
Many children are ignorant in the way of explosives. It is best to teach them what and what not to burn early on, so that it becomes engraved into their fragile little minds early on. Public Schools have attempted to educmacate children in this subject by making a series of public service announcements in which a usually colorful character dances and sings about how fireworks are bad, and how they can be dangerous. This is entirely beside the point, fireworks were meant to be dangerous in the first place. When you see the flash, don't bother ducking, no matter what that little turtle said to you, you're pretty much screwed.
Tips on fireworks
- To make it more fun, soak your victim in petrol!
- Flammable things will burn when they come in contact with fire (duh), it is best to dampen everything within a quarter mile with lighter fluid in order to aid in the process.
- Modern fireworks, like their ancient ancestors, emit harmful radiation, it is a good idea to force children under the age of 35 to wear a hazmat suit when in the proximity, and when possible, seal your family and valuables in a lead box, however, there is a 100% chance that the lead will chafe and the lead fumes will kill any living thing inside.
- Remember, A-bombs are just big fireworks, when you see one coming, it's just the Communist's way of telling you they love you.
- Firing fireworks at your parents is a fun idea but it seriously endangers your pocket money, and your Dad will definitely go psychotic.
- Personal Memoirs, Vol. 6: I am now poised to take over the country and create a new Chinese dynasty pp. 453., Sum Ting Zou Ho Po Asia Went Wong