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Mr. Garrison

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Mr. Garrison
Best School Teacher in the World
Assumed office
August 13, 1997
Preceded byYoda
Succeeded byNobody
45th President of the United States
In office
January 20, 2016 – January 6, 2021
Preceded byBarack Obama
Succeeded byJoe Biden
Personal details
  • Herbert Garrison
  • (1979-02-14) February 14, 1979 (age 45)
  • Oklahoma or something
    • Rick
    • Marcus
Alma mater
    • Jizz Fest
    • University of Colorado @Boulder

Good morning, children! I see you've already taken your seats. Let me introduce myself for the new kid who joined us today, Jodie. My name is Mr. Garrison and I'm the best teacher in the whole world. I'm also YOUR teacher, so I guess you should feel extremely lucky this morning. So let me tell you some stuff about myself, so that we know each other better, and break the ice between us, before we get to the actual school day.

Butters, please pay attention.

So I'm going to write the title of each paragraph of my biography on the blackboard, like I am reading an Uncyclopedia article about myself to you. You all know what Uncyclopedia is, right? Butters, you know what Uncyclopedia is? Good. So let's just begin with my early days as a charming kid in Nebraska or something.

My early days

When I grew up in Nebraska or something, which is a lovely state in south America or something, I was growing up with my father and mother who both had a heavy southern accent. That's how I received my Clarice Starling accent. Jodie, do you know who Clarice Starling is? Clarice Starling is the protagonist of the best movie in the history of film, The Silence of the Lambs. The movie The Silence of the Lambs is based upon the novel The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris. It tells the story of Clarice Starling, who lost her policeman father when she was a kid, so she wants to join the FBI and protect the world from all the bad guys who have killed her father.

The first time I saw SoL

The very first time I saw SoL with Anthony Hopkins I was just a teenager, or less. So this FBI hotshot sends Clarice to interview a serial killer called Hannibal Lecter, who's in jail for cooking people and serving them to other people and also to himself, but he only does that so that those people would get digested and turn into turds, which they were anyway in the first place, in his opinion. Because Dr. Hannibal Lecter is like the best psychiatrist in the whole world, so he knows exactly which person is a turd and which isn't. But Dr. Lecter was a Holocaust survivor when he was a kid, who had to see his baby sister get cooked and eaten by Nazis who were running away from NATO and were starving to death, so they cooked and ate Hannibal's baby sister. So Hannibal became full of hatred to mankind, which is understandable. So he started cooking turd people and serving them to other people, who are just half-turds, but he got captured by Claire Danes's husband, who is completely hot.

So now, Clarice must go to this criminally insane Federal prison where Hannibal lives, to interview him about another serial killer who's currently killing fat girls and removes the skin off their backs. So this FBI hotshot, Crawford, doesn't tell Clarice that he has a theory that Hannibal might know the other serial killer, and can identify him by name. So he just sends her there to make an Oprah interview with Dr. Lecter. Long story short, Clarice gets out of the interview smelling like semen, but also with a lead from Dr. Lecter about Gumb, the other serial killer.


So this Gumb dude is kidnapping fat chicks, throws them into a well which is down in his basement, and starves them for a few days so it gets easier to cut their skin off. So currently Gumb is starving a young fat chick, Catherine, who is the daughter of some hotshot woman Senator. So this Senator sends Hannibal to another prison, which is not Federal apparently, in return to some bullshit information about Gumb which Hannibal agreed to provide to her. Clarice visits Hannibal there, and gets more useful advice about how to capture Gumb, in return to telling Dr. Lecter facts about her childhood in South America.

In the meantime, Gumb is preparing to kill and skin Catherine, because he wants to make a suit out of her skin, and wear it over his own skin, because he wants to recreate the cover of the album Mechanical Animals by Marilyn Manson. But then Clarice arrives to Gumb's house, and long story short, she almost dies but eventually kills Gumb, rescues Catherine, and graduates the FBI Academy. At the graduation ceremony, she receives a phone call from Hannibal, who managed to escape the non-Federal prison by hiding a pen tube inside his vas deferens, pulling it out, and then use it to unlock his handcuffs. Later, he recreated the movie Hostel with one of his guards, and the movie Face/Off with the second guard.

The phone call

Hannibal calls Clarice from Haiti and promises that he never comes after her, and asks her to never come after him too. Clarice declines and Hannibal cooks and eats the prison director of his Federal prison.

Yes, Butters?

That's an excellent question.

Vas deferens

A vas deferens is a tube inside your penis, in which only sperm can flow, in contrast to the urethra, in which only pee can flow. Some sperm might flow through the urethra as well sometimes, but that's just some of the sick stuff you can only know about by reading Wikipedia. And "vas deferens" is Latin for "pickup truck", and not "what's the difference" in German, or "the Vice President" in Russian.

That's it, children! Your homework for tomorrow is to watch the movie The Silence of the Lambs with one or more of your parents, except Eric who will watch it with me in my house, since he lives in a Hot Dog with no TV set or a functioning parent in it.

Butters, you are to remain seated in class until tomorrow morning, so you can't cut someone's penis in half like the last time.

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