“I am NOT your bitch, but you are all mine! I 'wiiiill' be the ONE!”
Bruce Lee (born Lee Jun-fan; 27 November 1940 – 20 July 1973) was the most devastating killing maniac that ever roamed the world. Also he is Asian, which makes his kicking abilities rise a total of over 100,000%. Bruce Lee has the amazing ability to regenerate and somehow make a million dollars no matter how corny and laughable his loud fighting screams are when he's beating the shit out of unconvincing yet quite lovable eye-patch wearing American allies. And he's coming for YOU next!
Bruce Lee was not born. He forced God to make him. Bruce Lee created a revolutionary weapon known to many as "Chuck Norris" while at the same time a man known as Buddha was spawned in the deep, dark pits of the Red Sea. It was said that when Chuck Norris and Buddha collide Bruce Lee will emerge. Bruce Lee can not die. Bruce Lee is more powerful than any god.
Bruce Lee created the universe, comprising the persons of The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, all in one being. In addition, Bruce Lee is also identical to the millions of gods of Hinduism and any other religion that has ever existed over the course of human history. However, this does not mean that those gods do not exist. The simple fact that those religion still thrives today rests on the easy-going and friendly personality of Bruce Lee, due to the fact that his secretaries always bring him coffee every morning so that he can kick ass and never fall asleep. His humble attitude has led him to believe that the many gods of the earth are quite knowledgeable and entertaining to keep around. Their favorite past-time activities include Chinese checkers, PS3, and intense baby-making sessions with incredibly attractive females... often, these three are done all at the same time.
Bruce Lee is often refereed to as "Hidden Tiger," "Crouching Dragon," and of course, "Kicking Ass."
Bruce Lee torture houseflies and bees as a kid. With his chopsticks, he would pull their wings off one by one as they flew, and the flies would eventually die of exhaustion because they couldn't fly. Eventually, Bruce Lee realized the cruelty of his actions by imagining himself as one of those flies and as a result he almost died. By following the Confucian teaching of "don't do anything to others what they don't want done to him", he devoted himself to a lifetime of service to justice and unbelievable sex (crouching tiger, hidden-dragon style). He also learned to appreciate the joys of smoking marijuana as taught to him by babysitter W.C. Fields.
Bruce Lee was a pineapple in his previous life. A little one, to be sure. To repent for the wrong he did in his previous life, he fought every man in the solar system. But he didn’t actually do it in any physical form. The guy just used his forethought ability. This is currently a hotly-debated issue in numerous academic universities and scientific laboratories world-wide. Scholars are baffled and amazed at Bruce Lee's ability to do damage even when he is trapped inside a peanut, such as a pineapple. Needless to say, the pineapple is one of his least sought items of leisure , due to his overinhabitance of the fruit - after a lifetime of living on a pineapple fruit he went beyond insane, telekinetically ripping out opponents' skulls and drinking their spinal fluid to gain strength and momentary peace of mind.
Spongebob Squarepants has been rumored to have started a campaign against Lee for the brutal treatment of housing (pineapples). However, it is a fact that Lee does not give a shit about a sponge in the sea, or his entourage of equally mutated creatures. If provoked, Lee could cause an underground tsunami to wipe out Bikini Bottom and effectively end the ridiculous lives of the freaks who live there.
The Legend of the Little Dragon
Many people throughout Middle Earth, Asia, Mecca, and Narnia believed that Bruce Lee was to be known as the little dragon. However research from an old master who taught Bruce in his youth known as "Yip Man" or sometimes "Master Rochi" told the world the legend of how Bruce saved the world from an intergalactic threat that went by the name of "Majin Buu." As much as it seemed at the time that Bruce was winning, Majin Buu caught Bruce off guard whilst he was tending to a wounded Jackie Chan and Jet Li who had been almost completely decimated by the creatures evil attacks. Though Bruce though Buu was dead after a 21,000 hit combo from Bruce's magical pair of crystal amethyst nunchaku, Buu simply reformed his head and attacked Bruce from behind, causing a small cut that ran from approximately half a centimeter below his right eye to an inch northwest of his right nostril.
Bruce merely ran his left thumb across the wound before licking the drop of blood on his finger to confirm he was actually bleeding (and because it is a very badass thing to do) before transforming into what Yip Man described as a Super Saiyan. Bruce's hair turned gold with rage and his eyes turned silver causing Majin Buu's eyes to bleed. At this time Bruce called upon his pet, a 12 mile long dragon that he trapped within seven golden balls all buried miles underneath the great wall of China. His pet appeared and stuck an amazingly golden pose behind him, thus gaining him the title "Little Dragon." Bruce muttered the first words that come to mind out of anger which happened to be, "KA-ME-HA-ME-HA!" The technique he killed the dinosaurs with almost two Billion years earlier.
With the legend of Bruce being known as the little dragon, his pet got no recognition for the fight. The dragon went on a mad rampage when asked what it was like to be a "Side Kick" to an immortal legend who even a twelve mile long fire breathing dragon could not comprehend. Bruce for this reason buried it under the great wall of China were it sleeps today, going by the name of "Bitch." Techno band "The Prodigy" wrote a song about the time they saw Bruce training with the creature in Guantanamo Bay with his two Asian friends Harold and Kumar. A year later they reached number one with "Smack my Bitch Up." In Bruce's absence Jackie Chan and Big Boss have taken it upon themselves to feed the creature, when summoned from underneath the great wall of China, Big Boss beats the dragon down with Chan's help, Big Boss then pins the creature down as Jackie force feeds the animal its greens and Asian chicks. This task has become very strenuous since Steve Irwin, Bruce Lee's best Zoologist died feeding Bruce's manta ray.
Bruce Lee was responsible for his own Mother's death. Both were out one day shopping a local Radio Shack and Bruce Lee wanted the latest TV set so he could watch UFC. His mom said "No" and Bruce, who was blood drunk at the time, punched his own mom when attempting to upper cut the cashier and hit her through the ceiling of the building. Her remnants were found on the moon ten years later by NASA. At the age of five he was invited to his friend Wang's birthday party. Bruce bought his friend Wang a Batman action Figure and hoped that he had the best gift of all of Wang's friends. Later that day Wang opened all his gifts and got a Gundam Wing action figure from his other friend Chang and christened him his "B.F.F." Later that day Bruce convinced Chang to go hang out at a local park the next day and Chang agreed on the play date. After that day, Chang was not seen again until 2007,when NASA mistook his corpse for an alien's.
His Legendary Feats and Abilities
Bruce Lee's punches were so fast that they moved at more than ten times the speed of light and thus traveled into the future and landed on his own body moments later, after he'd stepped forward. This is what really killed him - the only thing powerful enough: his own fists. Although you must keep in mind that Bruce Lee never died, he only chose to stop his presence on earth because it became boring after a while. It has also been determined that Bruce Lee's contained all the strength and power of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama's in the pinky of his right hand.
Foot size varies from stabbing pin size anything up to tractor size - special expandable footwear helped him get a shoe in to the film industry. At this juncture it is important to stress the fact that no other mortal, earthly human male has come close to matching Bruce Lee's capabilities. Nobody has ever managed to defeat him, not even Chuck Norris (They did fight once; Bruce Lee smacked him with a back fist so hard, Chuck Norris flew into India, causing it to collide with the Asian continent, giving rise to the Himalayan mountains. It is a testament to Chuck's tremendous fortitude that he survived at all.) Despite popular opinion, scientific studies have proven over and over that Bruce Lee can vaporize Jean Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph, Batman, Sylvester Stallone, Denica Fairman, WordGirl, Superman, Paris Hilton, Big Boss, Vin Diesel, Aaron and [insert names of every other male who ever lived on earth in here] in one Red Tiger Judo Side-Chop all at the same time while engaging in fierce sexual intercourse with several beautiful women... from his own bedroom in Hong Kong while watching ESPN Classic. For this reason, he has come to be known as "The Mad Turk".
The only way Bruce could get to sleep was to stare at himself flexing and dancing in a mirror and try and frighten himself into a faint. Mostly though, he had to take a dump and then he fell asleep at the bathroom.
Another Shaolin technique developed by Bruce was his famous "heat endurance". Having mastered the art of walking on white-hot coals while still in the womb, Bruce used to hitch a ride on any space vehicle (Why the fuck he would actually need to hitch a ride on a space vehicle no one knows) - but on the outside. His zen mastery prevented him from burning up on re-entry into the earth's atmosphere. The oxygen-free atmosphere of space was no problem for Bruce, either - he breathed no more than ten times throughout his life, believing it to be wasteful. Again, he did not want to take away from the precious time of Chinese checkers and mildly okay sex.
Bruce had such absolutely perfect muscle control that he could shake hands with one person, while ripping off the hand of another person - not even in the same room. In addition he is able to make any woman orgasm continuously for an indefinite amount of time just by simply touching them with one finger, at any location on their body. Such ability has led the male population to unanimously award Bruce Lee's girlfriend the Luckiest Woman in the Universe title... just imagine what he could do with his other finger... It has been boasted that he was so powerful and influential that Arnold Schwarzenegger has no problem being satisfied even after his physical, earthly death, it is rumored that she still has orgasms from when they first made love, and that Bruce Lee loved her so much that he gave her the ability to induce orgasm at any intensity whenever she wishes, thus she would remain loyal to him only.
Bruce Lee's sperm was so powerful that one continued to exist within the fertilized egg that became his son, swimming it's way around the son's body fighting to gain control, until it exploded in rage, killing him decades later. This is what really killed Brandon Lee.
Lee is the only known person to have beaten Chuck Norris, and to have made him cry. The movie in which Bruce Lee defeated Chuck in was the greatest and most expensive feat of movie magic. In a real fight Chuck Norris' body would have been instantly incinerated. It was once the scene was filmed. Then Bruce prompted to eat the ashes and re-shit another Chuck Norris. The one we know today is actually comprised of Bruce Lee's shit. Chuck Norris is now more powerful because some of Bruce's power rubbed off on him inside Bruce's rectum.
Later in his time on Earth, Bruce invented an energy drink we all know today. Power thirst, with many delicious flavors such as fizzbitch, manana, and GUN! His secret ingredient is his sperm, which causes people who drink it to have four hundred babies.
Facts Mothafucka Facts
- Bruce Lee is the inspiration of Chuck Norris. He can kick Chuck's American ass any day of the week. He's THAT good. Clearly.
- Doctors once enlisted Bruce's help to scare a guy out of a coma. He threatened to break the guy's arms off like bread sticks and shove them up his ass. The guy instantly regained consciousness. This is the highest expression of Kung-Fu power.
- There is also missing footage from Bruce's famed Kung-Fu demonstration at Long Beach, where he compresses a Chevy with his bare hands to the size of a stock cube. He also demonstrated the famous one-inch punch. To date, scientists believed that his demonstration of the one-inch punch was so powerful that it caused a massive tsunami which killed more than 200,000 people 30 years later.
- Bruce Lee doesn't play video games. Using his chi and his massive penis, the characters in the games move according to Lee's will.
- Bruce Lee has two children. Not including the millions around the world and the ones he did not see fit by giving them a one-inch punch to the chest which sent them to another galaxy.
- When Bruce Lee smokes, he gives the cigarettes cancer.
- One of Bruce's party tricks was to lift an Abrams tank by its barrel - one tank in each hand, arms extended - and then smash them together. Such force reduced the tanks to atoms, resulting in the illusion that they had disappeared.
- When Bruce Lee drinks, he makes the alcohol drunk.
- Mirrors don't reflect Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee reflects mirrors. Besides, the mirror isn't stupid enough to stand between two Bruce Lee's if it did make a reflection.
- Bruce Lee's balls are indestructible
- God took him off earth to have a sparring match...they are still going at it to this day
- Bruce Lee makes germs sick.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabar was taught Jeet Kune Do by Bruce. Kareem then combined this skill with his already prominent basketball skills to become the greates basketball player of all time. Once a month, just to prove his basketball dominance, Abdul-Jabar sodomizes the players that he feels are too damn arrogant. Most players immediatly fall into line after the first time.However leBron James seems to enjoy having Kareems foot and a half penis all up inside him and continues to be an arrogant and over rated douche.
- Bruce Lee invented lightning, so that he could punch faster than it.
- If you cut off his arms (hypothetically, of course, as this is impossible), he'll still be able to do more push-ups than you.
- Bruce Lee's pride and joy was his collection of pressed wildflowers. One day, after drinking a glass of WA-TAHH, when he was in Kowloon, just inside Hong Kong, a P.L.A. border guard flicked a cigarette that burned a daisy Bruce had his eye on. Bruce simply trembled slightly and lobotomized eight divisions of the the Red Guard through the percussive effect. He only accepted Red China's apology when Chairman Mao finally dressed up as Widow Twankey and performed a one-man pantomime of Aladdin for Bruce's pleasure.
- Bruce was recruited by NASA in the 1960's after he was involved in a road rage incident, during which he kicked a fellow motorist's car into low earth orbit. NASA figured he could easily sidekick several tons of useful payload into outer space. This is how satellites, rockets, and space shuttles have been launched into outer space. The exhaust gas seen coming from the rear-end of these things are actually hot remnants of Bruce Lee's powerful kick not the "liquid fuel" that scientists claim.
- One of Bruce's most remarkable talents was reverse eating. Biting a stick between his teeth, he would lower himself over a plate of dim sum and eat it using his anus, working the food BACKWARDS through his colon until it reached his stomach. He would then reverse digest the food through his esophagus and regurgitate a turd.
- Another remarkable talent of his is reverse breathing. By inhaling air from his alveoli and storing it in his trachea, he can actually inhale carbon-dioxide and exhale oxygen. This power could end the greenhouse effect in three minutes. He does not use this power because the global heat helps him keep sweaty (although he is capable of making everyone sweat in fear by merely thinking about moving both his pinky-toes at once, which would cause the world to asplode).
- Bruce once invited John Saxon to his Bel Air mansion for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. They were amazed when Bruce led them into an enclosure filled with enraged African hippos. Bruce allowed himself to be eaten by a large male, digested and shit out, before reassembling his own DNA using chi, and then turning the hippo inside out through its own anus.
- During the fight scenes in Enter The Dragon, Bruce was actually asleep. Fred Weintraub believed actually filming while Bruce was awake could have deadly consequences for the film crew. The only time it was safe to film him was when he was slumbering.
- Bruce Lee's penis glowed in the dark and, if used properly, cured cancer. If used improperly, it turned the recipient into a giant, green, rampaging hulk. It also had the capability to leave Bruce's body. Sightings have been attributed to the creation of the Sasquatch legend, as well as being the inspiration for Stan Lee when creating "The Thing" character in Fantastic Four comics after a shave session. Once, in 1916, it sped across the North Atlantic and sank the entire Imperial German High Seas Fleet at Jutland. President Poincare himself embraced it, kissed it on both sides and then pinned to it the Ordre du Chevalier de la Legion Dhonneur.
- Bruce Lee is the only asian in the world who can safely operate a motor vehicle.
- It is not widely known that the Cubic Zirconium was created by Bruce Lee. His intestinal fortitude was such that he literally crapped diamonds. Because the GIA and other agencies couldn't explain the surplus of diamonds coming from Hollywood, they pronounced them as lab created diamonds. Little did they know his "lab" was an off green stall in the props department. Eating different foods produced different color diamonds. Bruce created the prized Pink diamond (J-Lo and Kobe Bryant's wife wear Bruce Lee creations) by eating Mr. Chow's sweet and sour pork and then not shitting for a day. The result: five pounds of flawless pink diamonds.
- Ronald Reagan's survival of Hinckley's bullets in 1981 was widely held to be down to luck. However, it was Bruce in fact. Whilst in deep TAO meditation in Hong Kong, Bruce heard the sound of grime on Hinckley's finger scrape against the trigger; in an instant the power of Bruce's chi gave him a full picture of the situation. Before the bullet had left the chamber Bruce was on his way to the US - to liberate the Falkland Islands from the Argentinian occupation a year before it had even started. By the time he arrived, a bullet had already penetrated Reagan. With lightning quick reflexes Bruce used the Shaolin "operating theater side kick" to juggle Ronald Reagan's lifeless cadaver with such skill and precision as to render the bullet non-lethal, while at the same time massaging the then-president's heart back to life. Bruce then caught Hinckley's second bullet in his sphincter, firing it into space, before returning to Hong Kong and completing his meditations. Needless to add, the naked eye is incapable of seeing Bruce at the scene as his speed was beyond the mere ken of the human mind, and also beyond the limited technology of 1980's cameras to capture.
- Bruce Lee once yawned because he was bored during battle. Jackie Chan came out. Jet Li came latter as a particularly wet fart.
- Bruce Lee's control of his face shots was so precise that when he hit someone there, he could control, simply by the force exerted, the color of the "flash" or the "stars" that would be seen by the person as they were being knocked cold. In the early 1970's, the American Council of the Blind heard about this ability and asked him to knock out people blind from birth so that they could finally know which color was which. In 1971 he knocked out Stevie Wonder seven times over the course of a week so that he could truly know the rainbow. He later wrote the song "Joy Inside My Tears" about this experience.
- Bruce Lee was filming a yet to be released title in Beijing in the summer of 1970. Because of poor planning by the director, a lunar eclipse threatened to stop production for four hours of that day. Bruce contemplated destroying the moon with a one inch punch, but recanted, knowing that in three days the night shoots were to occur under moonlight. Bruce flew into a dervish frenzy and impregnated all the women between the 90' East and 150' west meridians. Since all of these women stopped menstruating instantaneously, the moon rapidly repositioned itself within its orbit over the western hemisphere, as everyone, including Bruce knows that the singular purpose of the moon's orbit is to time the menses of human females. (every twenty eight days).
- If Bruce Lee is thirsty during battle, he drinks his own blood. Of course, he would have to cut himself since no one else could cut him.
- Bruce Lee had only one weakness. He had no sense of humor. For example, he just didn't 'get' "Fawlty Towers". He would watch each episode over and over again absolutely expressionless. Sometimes he would turn to a friend and say: 'The tall man strikes the small man upon the head with a spoon to shame him. Why does not the small man use his agility and speed to execute the Drunken Driving Instructor Dance Kick in the way a real master of the Force would?
- When Bruce Lee went to the doctor, they couldn't test his reflexes for a number of reasons. 1, because they were so quick, and 2, because he'd kill every doctor that tried to test his knees, and not always on purpose.
- Bruce Lee has fathered approximatly 16.9 billion children.
- Bruce Lee is a motherfucker. He make PP for his bunghole. And his last resort in any fight, to the death? An overgrown pumpkin patch vineplant. Using it only when certain of defeat, he will strike the head of friend and foe alike, stemming from his unshakable sense of, in his own words, “so funny”.
- Chuck Norris routineley begs Bruce to give him anal so that maybe a shard of Bruce's skill would rub off on him. However Bruce ain't down with giving it in the b hole. He thinks it's kinda gross. So Chuck is stuck at his current level of mediocrity.
Bruce Lee vs. the KISS Army
“So you think your Kung-Fu's pretty good, huh? I want to fight your brother-- him against me. LET'S KUNG-FU!!!”
Bruce Lee is in fact way cooler than Chuck Norris and Mad Dog. He taught Chuck everything he knows but kept humility all to himself. So Chuck went around spreading jokes about himself, thinking he was brilliant.
On at least four separate occasions, Bruce (with, of course, his trusty (flying) sidekick Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has kicked the shit out of the rockers KISS as chronicled in an ancient ballad by punk-bards Guttermouth:
The smoke is clearing, and you can see
Peter and Paul Stanley
Kareem and Bruce they've made a truce
While Gene and Ace take PCP
Flying kick right through the air
His foot got stuck in Peter's hair
Ace and Gene took on Kareem
But slipped and fell in afro sheen
Then Bruce yelled out "O Boy"
I think he meant "La Choy"
Kareem and Bruce don't MISS
They're throwing stars at KISS!
Gene now has a shorter tongue
They should've used their love gun
Gene and Ace escaped today
They'll live to fight another day!
OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH, OOHH MY GOD,
Ancient Chinese secret sent by the BUDDHAAAAAA!!!
Bruce and Kareem shoot baskets for two points
No one knows, to this day, what happened to Paul Stanley and Peter Criss. Guttermouth's a fucking awesome band; albacore punk, you know how it is.
Bruce Lee in Today's World
Bruce Lee died July 20, 1973 and is buried in Seattle. At least that's what he wants you to think. Bruce tricked the cerebral edema the was trying to kill him into believing that it had succeded. When the edema let down its guard, Bruce sprung back to life and the last thing it saw was a flash of yellow from Bruce's sexy yellow and black jumpsuit he had been wearing. Needless to say it isn't Bruce Lee buried in that Seattle cemetery plot. He's actually right behind you, but don't bother looking, for he will either hide from your sight by doing whatever he wants because he can, or simply breathe on you and you fly through your computer in a pile of unrecognizable human parts.