Sleep is for fucking bitches (and people with narcolepsy). You are most likely viewing this page because, having spent all day at your computer, you are now having trouble falling asleep.
SLEEP: The Covert Killer[edit | edit source]
Sleep is a common nutrient deficiency in the caffeine stream caused by an over-abundance of blood. This condition occurs to over 99% of people within their lifetimes - apart from, of course, Edward Cullen - and in most cases the condition, when apparently out of the system, returns at a later date. Sleep has several common symptoms. The afflicted enters a coma-like state in which conscious motor functions cease, brain activity is reduced, stupidity increases, and the afflicted is entirely unaware of the outside world. This coma can last from a few minutes to several days. Sleep symptoms occur most frequently during regularly scheduled television showings of Fear Factor. Often, sleep sufferers (synonym: "zombies") will report hallucinatory experiences, such as: "cavemen playing pinball". If a friend is suffering from any one of the symptoms it is advisable to inject no less than 15lbs of caffeine directly into their veins. This should combat the effects of Sleep. If this does not work, try any kind of physical contact, e.g Shaking, battering with a large object, or removing the limbs. If sleep persists immediately contact a morgue, as they are likely already dead.
The Sleep Conspiracy[edit | edit source]
Sleep was originally welcomed into our society. With days lasting as long as they do, people simply didn't want to be hard at work constantly. It seemed like such a wonderful way to procrastinate, but now the effects are truly known. It causes hallucinations, amnesia and the inability to deal with the waking world. While people sleep, they experience things called "dreams" in which their brains reflect on what has happened during their life and tries to teach the dreamer. Many even experience terrors in their dreams, and don't realize they're not in the real world and believe the horrors. More and more people are sleeping. Young children are those most effected by sleep. Some sleep for more than 18 hours in a single day. Many believe that this is caused by their parents sleep habits compounded upon the young. All in all sleep is a horrible affliction which has even spread to the classrooms. The caffeine companies trying to sell their product as a way to avoid sleep for those addicted need to be stopped. Stay awake.
Oversleeping Causes[edit | edit source]
A lot of people oversleep, and this is caused by people wacking off to them, and then they fall asleep. The higher the attractiveness level of the victim, the worse the oversleep gets. An advice is stop wacking off to people and making them go to sleep, as this causes their productivity levels to lower.
The Snorgy[edit | edit source]
If you are participating in an activity such as sleeping or unconsciousness, if you wake up and hear your own snore, this is followed by an orgasm inside of your nostrils also known as "nasal ejaculation". Also known as a nosegy or a snotgy, mucus is ejected from the nose in spurts followed by a strong relaxing feeling.
Sleep Is For The Weak[edit | edit source]
“Got a .38 Special up on the shelf; I'll sleep when I'm dead. If I start acting stupid I'll shoot myself; I'll sleep when I'm dead.”
The ONLY exception to this is cats. Cats sleep 10 hours a day or more. Their POWER!!! is not damaged by sleep, because cats are just that awesome like awesome. Cats RULE over the rest of the animal kingdom. Typically it is also considered morally imperative, or in the very least civic responsible, to improve on their drooling faces with the nearest Sharpie. Popular choices--in order of statistical frequency--are: rimmed glasses, moustaches (preferably Hitler-esque or French), and poetry (preferably drunken). If the discoverer also happens to be drunk, equally ugly, or British, waking by urination appears to be acceptable. A secret message may lead you to a spot where no one sleeps.
The Cure For Sleep[edit | edit source]
“Sleep when I'm dead, you angels, sleep when I'm dead I said.”
In addition to the caffeine injection and physical actions mentioned above, there are several other means of combating sleep symptoms if they are available. Drugs such as methamphetamines, World of Warcraft, Mexican dancing, and opiates can be used to suppress symptoms. Strangely, there is an occasional positive externality associated with cosmetic surgery that cures the problem entirely. Sleepers can also be woken up by placing one of their hands in warm fluid; a common waking technique used in Britain involves the use of urine.
One controversial, but effective cure for sleep called Red Rum baby-alseepanonamy was discovered in 2002 in a secret, high tech laboratory, known as "Earl's Basement". The cure consists of throwing crying babies into a woodchipper, then feeding the remains to a hippopotamus. The logic behind it is that when a person throws a crying baby into a woodchipper, it releases a chemical in the brain known as dihydroclorincesticanopamine which gives the user relief from not hearing that crying little bastard anymore. After the remains are given to a hippopotamus, it causes a series of mini-strokes that damage the sleepabellum cortex of the brain, which might inhibit your ability to sleep or might just cause you to combust into flames; either way, you're still not going to sleep.
Warning: Before trying the Red Rum baby-alseepanonamy cure you should know the side-effects of the treatment. These include, but are not limited to:
- Being beaten or raped while sleeping
- Becoming a stalker
- Becoming a redneck
- Huffing kittens
- Dying before or after waking up
- Putting on a suit and actually believing you are Scarface. If you experience this side-effect contact your doctor by means of a phone.
Another more natural way of curing sleep is simply staying awake. Doctors advise against this because they do not believe in the added benefits of ultimate enlightenment. During the self-treatment of sleep, you go through certain mental phases which to begin with remind of reality but luckily don't stay that way. After seven days (28 if you are a rat), you should reach ultimate enlightenment.
Sleep inertia[edit | edit source]
For those poor fools who suffer from falling asleep, you may notice that they wake up, this can be avoided by getting a friend to smother you whilst afflicted. But on the off chance that you have chosen the wrong friends waking up is unavoidable. Once awoken there is a period of time between gaining consciousness of the external world and having a shower, eating, brushing your teeth, having a cheeky fondle shooting a moose with a crossbow, ruthlessly beating your aging mother or whatever your morning ritual is. This is the time it takes your brain to move from the drooling on the pillow 'bed-zombie' to the drooling on probation office jockey (or whatever your morning entails). This is known as sleep inertia, often a cause of building up an excess of sleep momentum. Campus dwelling students mind find that sleep
inertia is so great that it carries right through until 3 o clock, after 4 separate bouts of the munchies, but this is due to students being given proper tuition by top professors to allude sleep until 4 o clock in the morning. A common cure for sleep inertia is to meet an immovable object or turn the hot tap off on the shower towards the end, just before you get out. If you are reading this and think you are suffering from sleep inertia please do not operate large machinery attend school or advise political leaders of the course of action they should follow.
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Because sleeping people don't usually notice anything until they wake up, and because it's funny to see their reactions upon waking up, they have become a target of various pranks. Here are some things people do with sleepers:
- Draw on their faces
- Tickle their faces with pie in their hand
- Put their hand in water
The Clown Theory[edit | edit source]
There is an ongoing debate among scientists regarding the theory that sleep is caused by clowns so that they can more easily eat children. This theory is largely hinged on the hypothesis that since no one has ever seen a clown sleep, it is therefore logical to assume that clowns never sleep, and since clowns primarily feed on children, the daring new philosophical field of logicamality dictates that sleep is the fault of clowns.
The detractors to this theory say that clowns do not possess any psychic powers since they are regular humans like you and me. They obviously have not watched any movies, otherwise they would know the horrible truth. Nevertheless, their viewpoints must be addressed as seriously as possible, so that we, the truth-knowers, can punch them at a time and place of our choosing.
The Clown Theory states that clowns constantly emit waves from their brains that cause the sleep disorder. Once enough people around a particular clown have fallen asleep, they will hunt for children to eat. Once their diabolical hunger is appeased, they continue their front as stupid hooligans, until the time when they must consume or perish.
Sleep noises[edit | edit source]
Sleep is associated with a number of unpleasant sounds. A few sounds are transcribed with the International Phonetic Alphabet to better illustrate their articulation characteristics.
Inspired by cow flatulence collecting bags, pockets that curb these noises are commercially available. Toilet paper will also work, though care must be taken to keep the sleeper from swallowing them.
Insomnia[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, sleep can be a luxury for some people. Insomnia is a complex multifactorial sleep disorder, with social media use as the leading cause; indeed, the word insomnia is a mix of Instagram and omnia (all). Insomnia is widespread around the world, affecting up to 20% of the population. However, there is evidence that insomnia is imaginary. An article in International Journal of Sleep and Rhinoceros found that some patterns in insomnia prevalence is due to sampling noise, and asking researchers to sample more quietly can help treat insomnia.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- That is, not by means of a banana.