“If you smoke it, they will come.”
“I dont feel anythwhatthefuckthisisissporangiooooooooo”
Salvia Divinorum, or "salvia," is the result of a distributed drug discovery effort by junior high school students of Box Butte County, Nebraska. It is considered one of the major medical advances of young teenagers in our time. This is, of course, despite the fact that it has no medical uses whatsoever.
Salvia is notable for being one of the few hallucinogens that Congress hasn't had the time to ban, increasing its availability and proving the theory that junior high students will smoke literally anything they can get their hands on. It grows in the form of a green, totally herbalicious plant that contains the chemical Salvinorin A, which turns the smoker into a shamanic drug addict.
Salvia is a legal herb that is similar to cannabis, in the respect that it is green, and it is a plant. Salvia is not currently federally classified as an illegal drug and is available to purchase online for all children age 5-7. Salvia also smells particularly like Jon Stanek's anus, and comes in many potencies including 5X, 10X, 20X, 60X, 666X and 1337X. Unfortunately the meaning of these terms is not currently known.
In 1994, disaffected thirteen-year-old slacker Steve Amen moved to the suburbs of Alliance, Nebraska when his father's company was transferred. A die-hard Nirvana fan, Amen was distraught by the recent suicide of Kurt Cobain and was looking for something to "dull the pain."
Unfortunately for Amen, finding weed in Alliance was more challenging than it had been in Seattle, where one would simply bum around the Showbox and wait for some guy to stumble out and perform a perfect faceplant against the curb, ounces of ganja flying from his pockets like an organic lawn sprinkler. "Totally freaked out" about the prospect of extended sobriety, Amen devised what is now called the "Amen High-Throughput Screening Assay."
Amen recruited several volunteers from his school through eloquent and convincing arguments. He then assigned each volunteer to acquire a different plant every day, smoke it, journal the results, and report back to him.
After just one week, Amen had a preliminary, but discouraging, list of several dozen plants. A typical excerpt:
- Maple leaves. They hurt my throat.
- Grass. Fresh cut only.
- Dandelions. They gave me a headache.
- Trees. Best when rotted.
- Moss. Found on any tree, quite a delicacy.
- Ficus. It made me wet the bed. I swear that was the reason.
- Cactus. I hate you, Steve.
- Fly Agaric. ...
A man with a true thirst for scientific knowledge and a burning desire to get fucked up and watch Scooby-Doo, Amen was undaunted. He vowed to continue to search until a suitable replacement for marijuana had been found.
On November 5, 1995, one of Amen's volunteers rushed into his office crying. He was so distraught that he nearly caused the entire office to collapse, as it was constructed mostly from couch cushions.
"Steve," began the sobbing boy who history's name has forgotten, "I found this stuff that looked like sagebrush, and when I smoked it, the sand began laughing at my struggle against the universe, and tiny people began climbing out of my pores, and there was this bird that smelled like unzipping leather, and then I pissed myself!"
This kid was constantly pissing himself, so Amen ignored the last symptom, but the other effects intrigued him.
The next day, Amen procured a small amount of salvia and smoked it.
It fucked him up.
Within 40 seconds, he was seeing extra dimensions unknown to the rest of humanity, and big purple fractals started to embed themselves in his eyes. Well, that's what the talking manatee told him, anyway.
Amen's need to be unsober was so great that he continued to smoke the stuff occasionally for the next four years, rendering him absolutely and completely retarded. However, when Amen turned eighteen, he went to college, was once again able to procure marijuana, and tried to forget this period of his life entirely.
Eventually - six days later, actually - Amen dropped out of college, moved to Eugene, Oregon, slathered himself in patchouli oil, and went on to win the Nobel Prize in Chemistry. Okay, that last one was a lie. But if the Nobel Committee had seen the Amen High-Throughput Screening Assay, he might have. After all, he discovered how to get high in half the time it took Pfizer to discover how to give hard-ons to eighty year old men.
Amen's story can be seen as a cautionary tale about putting random things in your pipe and smoking them. However, even to this day, all over America, pubescent boys continue to smoke salvia, simply because Congress is too busy molesting pages and trolling for gay sex in public bathrooms to get around to banning it.
Another explanation for Salvia's continued legality is the fact that it is simply the worst tasting plant on earth; hence why its use has been restricted to all but the most retarded college fraternities, being that their tastebuds have been killed by excessive amounts of semen ingestion.
The typical duration of Salvia Divinorum is 5-10 minutes. Users report being sucked directly out of their bodies and having conversations with aliens. Usually this conversation has to be pieced together after multiple sessions with the drug. Actually, no one can really be certain of the definite experience one undergoes while on Salvia, as every user goes immediately insane mere minutes after smoking.
Top ten ways to know that someone is lying about their Salvia experience
1. They remember taking Salvia
2. They are a Republican
3. They describe the experience in human language rather than psychotic mind-blueprints
4. They say they weren't told by their friends that it was weed and so they smoked it out of a bong
5. They laughed, giggled, or had a "pleasant experience"
6. They are gay, black, Jewish, Arabian, a beatnik, or any other breed of non-human
7. They often do/say things in order to fit in
8. They told you beforehand or afterhand that they will or already did lie
9. They saw anything unusual
10. They weren't wasted
11. They claimed to have walked more then 3 steps during the experience
12. They tell everyone they tripped from plain leaf
Salvia is an extremely powerful drug, with most cases resulting in seeing apparitions of Richard Simmons or appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show. However, effects are varied, and the following have been reported by some salvia addicts:
- Searching for stolen cheese that was never there in the first place
- Buying Microsoft stock
- Prostituting behind local Toys 'R' Us outlets
- Suddenly proclaiming to be the walrus and/or eggman
- Attempting to fly
- Attempting to eat a car
- Attempting to eat your own head
- Attempting to give yourself a lobotomy with a bicycle pump
- Running, screaming, with your arms raised over your head to a shoe store and asking for a cheese burger
- Calling your neighbor your dead son's name and screaming you love him.
A survey of typical salvia users found that 124% described the effects as unique in comparison to other methods of altering consciousness.
Salvia Divinorum is legal in all 20 states, including Argentina and Antarctica. One town in Australia has banned it, but only by mistake, as they meant to ban the band "Saliva", to help set an example to their currently out-of-control llama population. Recently banned in Missouri for causing too many damn llama psychotic breakdowns..