Epilepsy
WARNING!!!!! If you have PHOTOSENSITIVE Epilepsy, please DO NOT scroll down past this point!!!!! Seriously.
“In Soviet Russia, epilepsy gets Y0U!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Epilepsy, when the brain misfires: noun, meaning 'to vibrate'.
The Epileptic is one whose brain misfires and vibrates.
Inside an epileptic brain[edit | edit source]
First discovered in a Greek nunnery, epilepsy is a condition where your mind loses its grip with reality simply because you see a bunch of flashing images. This has been attributed to people with unusually excitable brains. Whenever an epileptic brain witnesses a flashing image, it loses control similar to the way a partygoer loses control during a rave. The brain does the neurological equivalent of "getting on the floor" and "dancing till its feet can't feel the ground." Epileptic brains have a tendency to "not stop till they drop." Additionally, these flashing images invite the brain to "get high" on them, and hence an epileptic brain exposed to flashing images ends up becoming the neurological equivalent of a wasted partygoer. Similar to the wasted partygoer's slurring and having no idea of where the fuck he is, and epileptic brain also tends to "misfire", which is the neurological equivalent of driving whilst on drugs.
However, this wasted epileptic brain ends up playing havoc on its owner. Epileptics are known to subconsciously swirl around, staring blankly into space. This is because their brain is dancing to the tune of the flashing images. Whenever an epileptic brain gets high on the flashing images, its owner begins to lose touch with reality. Just like the a rave partygoer eventually gets wasted and doesn't remember what he did at the party, epilepsy patients scarcely remember when and how they were knocked out by a flashing image, and what crazy stuff they did once they were exposed to the flashing image. Hence, epilepsy is termed to be a "neurological disorder", thanks to how ridiculously gullible the epileptic brain is.
Scientific History[edit | edit source]
In spite of the fact that epilepsy was described in ancient Greek literature, all knowledge of it was destroyed when the Library of Alexandria went up in smoke in 48BC, a fire that epileptics often get the blame for since they're a massive liability when holding a lit brazier in a papyrus kindling factory. As a result, the condition only got re-designated by a medical practitioner in 1700s England, at a time when English people, just like now, were very bad at knowing things. It was later found out that the doctor in question was merely witnessing the earliest rendition of a 'jig', a dance that was popularised much later in the 1920s before humans had realised which dance moves were extremely silly and which made everybody in the vicinity want to murder you, the former of course being preferable except in cases where remaining unmurdered meant being forced to witness more dancing.
Epilepsy is much like Parkinson's Disease except for the fact that Michael J. Fox doesn't have it and it's not as funny. Diseases are funnier when they exclusively harm old people because they've already lived their life so it's okay if they vibrate off of a crane or the Empire State Building. One man once had both epilepsy AND Parkinson's Disease simultaneously, but the two diseases formed a symbiotic relationship in which the shakes cancelled each other out, making the man a world-class darts player for years due to his eminently steady hand, more-so than any champion in history, despite him being the only one who was even vaguely sober. Unfortunately, after a few years, the diseases went out of phase and in fact began to potentiate one-another. His final moments were in his last match before retirement, where he was just about to win before having the biggest seizure of any creature in history, punctuated with him flinging thousands of darts at lightning speed haphazardly all around the auditorium, killing two birds, a mosquito and a rock, and injuring several-dozen punters.
A scientist once tried to capture a video of somebody's brain during a grand mal epileptic seizure, the only video of its kind ever known to have been recorded. Unfortunately, the researcher got munted on MDMA later that evening and accidentally taped over the novel film with footage of the rave that transpired afterwards. They probably would have looked very similar so the scientist just decided that his job was done and that no further investigations were necessary, just the way Andrew Wakefield would have liked it.
Cure & Treatment[edit | edit source]
There is currently no known reliable cure for epilepsy apart from methods the FDA has warned people against trying due to extremely high mortality rates, meaning you should totally do them because the Food & Drug Administration doesn't understand science like RitaMom1968 on Reddit. Some people online suggest downing three gallons of purified bleach and following it with a lit shot of phosphorous. This is also a method for manufacturing methamphetamine so you can kill two birds with one stone for efficiency's sake.
In terms of treatment, 'the man' who says you cannot cure epilepsy with homeopathy or trepanning would have you believe that your only option is to use prescription medicines assigned by a qualified medical professional. Enlightened individuals know better and that it is far more effective to receive an enema of valerian root and be hung upside-down for two weeks.
Cultural History[edit | edit source]
It has been reported in many first and second-hand Roman sources that Julius Caesar, the last Consul of the Roman Republic, likely had epilepsy, or as it was known back then in 50BC, 'the falling sickness'. Many think the fact the fire in Alexandria's library started during his campaigns in Egypt are not a coincidence, but are because he wanted to cover up any knowledge of his ailment. It is theorised that this is why Julius Caesar set about murdering so many people in Gaul as well since he might have just been accidentally composing advanced belligerent battle plans with no awareness whatsoever by gesturing violently at random, his officers merely trying their best to interpret the vigorous undertones in his chaotic movements. It is said he was only believed to be a competent general because of how unpredictable he was. Pompey Magnus, Julius' mortal enemy, was once coordinating a meticulously-planned flanking manoeuvre on Caesar's position when suddenly, the First Consul of Rome had a violent seizure and accidentally flung his catapults, siege engines and several wooden palisades in the direction of Pompey's Senate-aligned Forces, killing thousands and pushing his army back due to their belief that this was the result of Poseidon, or even Mars himself.
Just like 15 years ago when they said we couldn't call imagination a "brain-storm" anymore and had to call it "mind-map" instead, modern-day woke politicians have proposed changing the term 'milkshake' due to a belief that it is racist to epileptics as well as to white people. Several replacement words have been nominated such as "lactose jiggle" or "mammal paste" in order to be more inclusive, but neither have yet caught on.
Epileptic accounts[edit | edit source]
“I just saw a bunch of flashing strobe-lights. Next thing I knew, they were all upon me, screaming Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
“Purple Day, Purple Day, gotta get down on Purple Day, every brain is looking forward to the seizures.”
“I'm so excited! I just can't hide it! I know, I know I know and I think he likes it!”
“when I heard the sound of that big blue box and watched it dematerialize in front of me I nearly died”
What can cause a seizure?[edit | edit source]
This:[edit | edit source]
Or this[edit | edit source]
And of course this[edit | edit source]
As well as...[edit | edit source]
And this too:[edit | edit source]
But what about this?[edit | edit source]
And this...[edit | edit source]
OMGWTF??[edit | edit source]
Right now, you are under the belief that you are reading an article. This is in fact not true. In reality, your brain is short-circuiting very rapidly and firing synapses in quick succession. As your grey matter quickly turns to mush, you might begin to lose your grip on reality. This is perfectly normal for someone whose grey matter is quickly turning to mush.
What can I do?[edit | edit source]
