Andrew Wakefield
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 Wakefield conducts some of the most important research for health and humanity. | |
| Born |
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| Nationality | Limey bastard |
| Education | King Edward's School for Special Youngsters, Bath |
| Alma mater | St. Mary's Diploma Mill, London |
| Known for | Genius |
Sir Andrew Jelly Wakefield (born January 7, 1945) is a British physician, philanthropist, humanitarian, and international hero who rose to fame in 1998 when he proved definitively that vaccines cause autism. For his contributions to global health, Wakefield was knighted by the Queen of England.
There is some controversy regarding the validity of Wakefield's work, mainly raised by incompetent scientists who are super jealous of Wakefield (see below).
Early life and education[edit | edit source]
Andrew Wakefield was born and raised in Elton, England, a soddie suburb of London. As a child, Wakefield developed a passion for medicine listening to his Uncle Jimbo's stories about how it was possible to profit financially from people's suffering. Jimbo was a med-school dropout who worked as a gas station attendant and had extensive experience throwing various liquids and objects on victims of freak gasoline fight accidents.
After graduating summa cum laude from King Edward's School for Special Youngsters, Wakefield casually glanced at a few medical magazines at the doctor's office one day while waiting to have his incontinence pouch replaced, and he decided to order a medical degree by mail from St. Mary's Diploma Mill.
Some scientists claim that Wakefield may have actually risen up from the ground like in that movie War of the Worlds when an interstellar laser summoned him, already a fully-grown man, but the paper claiming this was disowned by everybody who worked on it and the author lost his licence to practise medicine shortly thereafter. That is how we know the story is true.
Vaccines cause autism[edit | edit source]
Wakefield's groundbreaking contribution to the world came in 1998 when he proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that vaccines directly cause autism. Thanks to Wakefield's work, responsible parents have stopped vaccinating their children against mild, non-life-threatening diseases such as the measles and polio. As a result, autism rates around the world have sharply declined, and there have been no negative health consequences at all apart from a sharp increase in measles infections internationally, but this has not been an issue due to the fact that measles has a mortality rate of only 0.5% and children are known to be immortal beings.
The British media in 1998 were extremely thorough in their research and are renowned for their medical expertise and critical thinking skills, so Wakefield had an important ally in his fight to release the truth to the masses. Unfortunately, the journalists who had medical expertise had no critical thinking skills and the journalists with critical thinking skills had no medical expertise.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Despite worldwide recognition and praise, Wakefield's work has attracted some controversy. When he first published his work on vaccines and autism, several scientists around the world were unable to reproduce his results. In fact, to date, nobody has ever reproduced the results of Wakefield's experiments. These anomalies were quickly explained by the fact that Andrew Wakefield is the only scientist on the planet who is clairvoyant and can observe the fourth and fifth dimensions directly.
After these concerns were raised, several every single researcher who worked with Wakefield came forward and reported that Wakefield repeatedly ignored any results from experiments that contradicted his hypothesis (meaning all results). Wakefield quickly put everyone's concerns to rest when he pointed out that these researchers were lying because they were super jealous that they didn't think of this before Wakefield.
Wakefield has also been accused of subjecting the children in his famous study to a litany of unnecessary and invasive medical procedures such as colonoscopies and caesareans, causing one boy to almost die, but Wakefield defended himself by explaining that he thought there was a wasp trapped in the boy's pancreas causing all kinds of mayhem, and he only performed the caesarean because he could not find the dangerous insect in his pancreas and thought the child was in fact a girl.
Finally, it has since come to light that Wakefield was paid more than £400,000 for his research by lawyers filing a lawsuit against a vaccine manufacturer. Wakefield quickly dismissed this serious conflict of interest accusation, saying, "So? A guy's gotta eat, right?" Everyone in the world agreed and assumed that this modest payment had no influence on Wakefield's research.