Vaccine
In the worlds of make-believe, such as health care and law, a vaccine (vax f.s.) is an imaginary substance that grants absolute immunity from specific types of disease and criminal prosecutions. Despite the seeming unrelatedness of the aforementioned fields of human creativity, vaccines of all types are the very lifeblood of abject denial of reality. It should also be noted for the record that, unlike snake oil, vaccines do not cure afflictions; they merely cause afflictions on a slightly smaller scale for the sole purpose of taking advantage of the long-established unconstitutionality of double jeopardy.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
The word "vaccine" and all of its linguistic cognates (such as "vaccinate", "vaccinated", "vax", "vaxxed", and "you better get vaxxed you fucking retard") is derived from the Latin word "vacca", meaning "cow" and the Latin expression "melius est te vaccinari pronto"[1] meaning "being stuck by a needle which may (or may not) have been dipped into a pile of cow dung".
History of vaccines[edit | edit source]
Once upon a time, there were no vaccines. This was principally due to the fact that they were not needed because (1) there were no disease organisms at that time, and (2) there weren't any other kinds of organisms, for that matter, which needed to be protected. Then the dinosaurs came. Skipping on a further bit, and relying entirely on muscle memory because Uncyclopedia articles are supposed to be, ideally, free of any semblance of plagiarism, a famous scientist by the name of George Washington Carter accidentally dropped a sewing needle on a pile of cow dung while doing some genetic engineering experiments related in some fashion or other to peanuts. In attempting to quickly retrieve the needle in conformance with the five-second rule, he accidentally sliced his finger off with a butcher knife that, coincidentally, had fallen unnoticed into precisely the same festering mound of bullshit several days earlier.
Carter instinctively reacted, but, as a result of his horrific injury, never, for the remainder of his life, developed a case of cowpox, which had been running virulently throughout the entire state of Georgia. All further 116,851 attempts[2] to replicate Carter's horrific accident failed, and cowpox continues to this day to ravage Georgia like an unchecked wildfire. In order to hush up the whole sordid affair, then-President Jimmy Carter (no relation) ordered the CIA to engineer a virus capable of wiping out Federal government computer files that contained any or all mentions of the following words: "virus", "peanut", "▉▉▉▉▉▉", "epidemiology", "▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉", "▉▉▉▉▉", and "coverup". This was the world's first documented case of vaccine denial denialism, although nobody at that time knew it for what it was.
Then, for a while, nothing important happened. It wasn't until 2021 when the world's first true vaccine was invented and patented by the Pfizer Corporation in direct response to an outbreak of supersniffles and a simultaneous outbreak of lawsuits associated with the dreaded and ever-present scourge of sniffles in general. Similar unfounded claims about supposed vaccine-like treatments had been bandied about ever since Peanutgate, but, just like the legendary True Scotsman, this one was quite impossible to ignore unless you were suffering from massive brain damage. The United States USFDA wasted no time in authorizing the emergency replication of the magical liquid and pushing it for all its worth, saying that it would be a shame for anybody to deny the opportunity of being afforded complete protection in exchange for only a minimal recurring fee.
In modern times, the word "vaccine" has been successfully vindicated in modern English dictionaries the world over. Now we have vaccines for everything imaginable under the Sun[3], including (but not limited to) smallpox and chickenpox and measles and bubonic plague and ebola and diphtheria and herpes simplex and pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and meningitis and acne and bronchitis and athlete's foot and deja vu and malaria and cooties and leprosy and disco fever and syphilis and rabies and diarrhea and scurvy and nasal discharge and influenza and warts and male pattern baldness and déjà vu and monkeypox and tuberculosis and AIDS and SIDS and mad goat disease and trichinosis and gingivitis, not to mention avian flu[4].
How vaccines work[edit | edit source]
Every previous attempt to figure out how vaccines work and explain it to the general public have failed, and this here Uncyclopedia article makes no claim to be an exception. Nevertheless, an explanation of some sort is warranted, so here we go. The naked human body is a wonder of nature with all of its many all-natural defense mechanisms, but sometimes has to be provoked into action in order to do something useful for a change. This can involve one of a multitude of completely unanticipated attacks, such as being impaled with a sewing needle dipped in cow dung, or a good solid punch to the face. In either case, the human organism reflexively responds in some fashion without thinking. By totally bypassing the stepwise and painfully slow logical processing of the human brain, the body learns for itself a valuable life lesson with zero mental effort.
The modern vaccine is the latest version of invoking the above overly-generalized process, and, just like homeopathy, the first to operate completely on the subatomic level where there are viruses. Using a simple Feyman diagram to illustrate the phenomenon without relying on slews of mathematical formulae which nobody understands:
Here, the body of the person to be protected at all costs (represented here by the Greek symbol μ) is impinged with a single and perfectly safe force-carrying particle of mysterious radiation transmitted along a wave-guide (represented by the wavy line). The minimally trained Walmart drugstore employee (represented here by the Latin symbol W) thereby splits into two smaller entities (a real one and a virtual one) for the purpose of warding off potential legal charges and civil complaints. Meanwhile, the successfully vaccinated individual (dubbed νμ) goes on to live a productive life free of infectious disease until such time that they are run over by a runaway milk truck.[5].
What to do if you forget to get vaccinated[edit | edit source]
If you forget to get vaccinated, there is nothing to be done because we here at Uncyclopedia are prohibited from handing out medical advice, legal advice, or, in general, advice of any kind whatsoever. At least, not for free.
Notes tucked away in small print near the bottom, where they are less likely to be noticed by the average reader[edit | edit source]
- ↑ The Latin expression "melius est te vaccinari pronto" is known to have occurred in full only twice in ancient Latin literature: once in an obscure footnote to Aeneid's Oedipus Rex, and the other in an extant parchment fragment of what may have been part of a vast satirical work to which any ancient Roman citizen was invited to contribute.
- ↑ You can confidently rely on the accuracy of the quoted numerical figure because it, unlike most numbers made up on the spot, actually begins with a 1 in conformity with Benford's Law.
- ↑ This hasty generalization should not be taken to be universal, since it applies only to anything and everything within the Sun's gravitational field.
- ↑ Why is it that nobody seems to mention avian flu these days? Huh?
- ↑ In this thoroughly scientific model, the milk truck with failed brakes is intended to be an arbitrary placeholder for any and all types of mortality which all of us, as mortal human beings, are all subject to without exception. Unfortunately, a vaccine against vehicular homicide is still only in the conceptual stage and is not anticipated to be available to the general public for quite some time.