UnNews:Jesus given one-year ban
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
HEAVEN, D.C., HEAVEN -- The Disciplinary Commission has handed Christian Lord Jesus H. Christ a one-year suspension for blasphemy.
The Vaticanae midfielder has been sanctioned by the Sports Judge for having tweeted a blasphemous expression during Saturday’s match against Mecha.
Gesù will therefore miss Thursday’s match against Judea in the 2020 Holidays season.
“The Sports Judge received a formal report from the Federal Prosecutor regarding the conduct of the player Gesù Criste,” the statement said.
“Gesù pronounced a blasphemous expression at the 23rd minute of the first half.” UnNews has learned that at that exact time, Jesus has tweeted:
As a result of Jesus's horrible tweet, and due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this year's Christmas is expected to be cancelled. However, Santa Claus has assured UnNews that this won't prevent him nor Jesus from celebrating their favorite holiday:
Unfortunately, Santa has died immediately after posting the tweet, which prevented Jehovah from liking it and thus giving his final approval. And so another holiday is totally fucked by coronavirus, until Independence Day is declared by Joe Biden, sometime during the next 4 to 8 years.
VAR update[edit | edit source]
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Roma: Cristante given one-match ban" Football Italia, December 14, 2020
- "Fauci says Santa Claus has 'innate immunity,' won't be spreading COVID-19 to anyone this Christmas" USA Today, November 20, 2020
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