UnNews:Jesus given one-year ban

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Jesus in his 20s (right) and in his 2020s (left) as documented by VAT (Video Arsehole Telecommunicators).

HEAVEN, D.C., HEAVEN — The Disciplinary Commission has handed Christian Lord Jesus H. Christ a one-year suspension for blasphemy.

The Vaticanae midfielder has been sanctioned by the Sports Judge for having tweeted a blasphemous expression during Saturday’s match against Mecha.

Gesù will therefore miss Thursday’s match against Judea in the 2020 Holidays season.

“The Sports Judge received a formal report from the Federal Prosecutor regarding the conduct of the player Gesù Criste,” the statement said.

“Gesù pronounced a blasphemous expression at the 23rd minute of the first half.” UnNews has learned that at that exact time, Jesus has tweeted:

Jesus

@jesus

FUCK MARADONA! I AM MUCH BETTER THAN HIM! VIVA ANTICRISTO! LIFE OF BRIAN RULES!

20:12 PM · Dec 12, 2020

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As a result of Jesus's horrible tweet, and due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this year's Christmas is expected to be cancelled. However, Santa Claus has assured UnNews that this won't prevent him nor Jesus from celebrating their favorite holiday:

Diego Armando Maradona

@maradona

I know that I'm fat and old, and that Jesus can't shut the fuck up, but Xmas is still on!

10:50 AM · Dec 15, 2020

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Unfortunately, Santa has died immediately after posting the tweet, which prevented Jehovah from liking it and thus giving his final approval. And so another holiday is totally fucked by coronavirus, until Independence Day is declared by Joe Biden, sometime during the next 4 to 8 years.

VAR update

Pelé

@god

LOL JK I LUV XMAS! WTF OFCOURSE ITS ON DIEGO SUXLOLZORZ

11:16 AM · Dec 15, 2020

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Sources

• "Roma: Cristante given one-match ban" Football Italia, December 14, 2020

• "Fauci says Santa Claus has 'innate immunity,' won't be spreading COVID-19 to anyone this Christmas" USA Today, November 20, 2020