Tottenham Hotspur

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The Tottenham Hotspur Football Collective (a.k.a. Tottenham) is a football team located somewhere in the general vicinity of London, and regarded as the best football team to have ever set foot on a football pitch. Their eternal rivals are Arsenal who live very close to them. Arsenal is like a grumpy old neighbour. They were founded in 303 BC by Billy Buckle. They are also known as "The Spurs" or "The Lillywhites". They are called "The Lillywhites" because Billy Buckle's wife was called Lilly White (her sister was Snow White). They are also called "The Spurs" because of their unique and distinctive American old-western uniform accessories. Tottenham currently plays in the Premier League, the top English football league in the EFL.

Spurs Logo
The Tottenham logo is a rooster on top of a beach ball. For some reason the beach ball has not popped, and the rooster has incredibly good balance to stay on top of it. It is so unrealistic that there are theories that Salvador Dalí designed it. Underneath the rooster are the words "Tottenham Hotspur". It looks fine, and they didn't use Comic Sans MS or some other horrific font, so I don't care.

Tottenham's History[edit | edit source]

After being founded in 302 BC (I know it says 303 BC in the first paragraph, but at the time of writing that, it hadn't been 302 BC yet, so 303 BC was the best I had), Tottenham quickly established itself as the best team of its time. They won the double in 298 BC. The double is when you kill two football fans in a row in Krunker. They continued to flourish, winning the Champions League, and the Premier League multiple times. This continued for a few thousand years, until 1886, when Arsenal was founded. They were not much of a threat at first, but when they moved their stadium really close to Tottenham, they became fierce rivals for all eternity. In 1901, Tottenham won the FA Cup. The FA Cup (or Fatty Arbuckle Cup) is a competition for all of the teams in England which are desperate for silverware, but is always taken by the bigwigs like Manchester City. Despite this, Tottenham battled through, and went undefeated with a record of three wins and 36.2 trillion ties. This is only bettered by Real Madrid, a Spanish team who were glory-seeking in England. Real Madrid won it almost a jillion five times. They are now part of the Premier League, which was created in 1992 by a Brazilian brazillionaire.

Tottenham's Players[edit | edit source]

One of Tottenhams most famous players is Mark Bladda. He was a legendary defender who made almost four tackles in his career. He played in one game, against Derby County. In 1928, Tottenham tried to sign a player named Kobe Bryant from the LA Lakers. Unfortunately, they were a bit too early with their bid, as Kobe had not been born yet. To make up for this they bought Harry Kane and Son Heung-min. They have made many signings, and none have been the next Messi, but at least they didn't sign-up Núñez or something.

Tottenham Fans[edit | edit source]

Tottenham fans are known to be hooligans and they are deeply proud of it. Over the past thousands of years, Tottenham have spent over 4 million pounds to bribe neighbours not to call noise control on them. Tottenham fans are responsible for the deaths of John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln. They started the Great Fire of London, and they sunk the Titanic (with the help of overweight Arsenal Fans). Currently, Tottenham fans are planning the assassination of Pep Guardiola, the Manchester City Manager.

The North London Derby[edit | edit source]

The North London Derby (NLD) is when Tottenham play their rivals Arsenal. Obviously these competitions are very one sided, as the teams melt and fuse together and unite forces against the solitary and universally-hated Arsenal goalkeeper. They melt because both of their stadiums are unusually close to the sun. This is a potential hazard for fans, which explains the unusually high rates of skin cancer. The hottest area of the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium is the East End, which became the hottest place on Earth in 2021 when it recorded a record temperature of 173 degrees. 173 degrees is almost a straight line. If it had been a straight line, spacetime in the stadium would not be curved. There are over 5 million victims of climate-change-induced gravitational anomalies at the NLD every year.

Tottenham's Trophies and Records[edit | edit source]

In 1903, Tottenham became the first team to travel through time. They did this using the speed of their wing backs. That famous 1903 squad is currently living in the year 3492 AD. They have won 17 Community shields, 38 English League Titles, 129 Champions Leagues, 29 Book Titles, 38 Europa leagues, 48 Candis Leagues, 69 Sussy trophies, 3 Europa Conference Leagues, 1 Fort Posh Cup and a partridge in a pear tree. They currently hold these records:

  • Hottest temperature recorded (173 degrees celsius, in their stadium)
  • Most unlucky own goal (Scored by Gareth Bale, watch it here)
  • Worst fumble (When they dropped a cat down the drain and had to pay millions to the RSPCA