“I thought soccer players tried to get the ball inside the net...”
Associazione Calcio Milan, commonly referred to as A.C. Milan or simply Milan, is a group of aging Italian fashion models under the impression that they are a soccer team based in Milan. Once one of the greatest football teams in Europe, AC Milan's players were distracted by their countless Dolce & Gabbana endorsements and continuous releases of fashion collections, thoroughly forgetting that to continue said endorsements they must, every once in awhile, win a major cup at some point in time.
The boys in red
AC Milan's colors are red and black. They were chosen because the team's founder, a certain British guy who thought he was a cat, was also a satan worshipper. The team's nickname in italian is "I Diavoli." This translates to, "Satanic emissaries of hell," more or less. As the years went by the team moved away from its origins worshipping satan and moved towards runway modeling. Today, the team sees the likes of David Beckham, Clarence Seedorf and Ronaldinho, all fashion icons who unfortunately seem to have forgotten that their primary mode if income involves getting a black-and-white ball inside a net every Sunday, and a few Tuesdays in between. As far as I'm concerned they suck shit.
AC Milan's starting squad consists of the following players:
- Christian Abbiatti: Is under the impression he is a goalkeeper. Milan, being the team that they are, forgot that they needed a goalkeeper, at some point. When the team put their heads together and tried to understand why they weren't playing well, they promptly pointed out that their goal was a gigantic gaping vagina hole of a girl who will let anything inside lest it be missing any limbs. So they called in Abbiatti. Who was about 74 years old and had been out on loan at various teams in spain and italy, because god knows Milan didn't need him then. So they told him that he'd go from has-been to their first choice goalkeeper. Abbiatti of course accepted because his clothing line from Diadora would receive more publicity this way.
- Ignazio Abate: A young 20-something right winger. Possesses a good cross and a better shot. Quite the dribbler. For these precise reasons, he is played as a defender. God knows why. Perhaps because he has yet to release a major clothing line.
- Alessandro Nesta: Veteran fashion designer and occasional soccer player. His advanced age means that he plays for about two weeks every season before becoming injured and taking the rest of the year off.
- Luca Antonini: Mediocre left back. Never released a major fashion line. For lack of any better left backs, milan keeps playing him.
- Gennaro Gattuso: Actually an angry bearded fish salesman, he is on the team for design inspiration.
- Massimo Ambrosini: Forgettable team captain. Never released a successful clothing line.
- Andrea Pirlo: Widely regarded as one of the best players in the world. Visionary playmaker and a certain eye for goal that is hard to find, especially amongst Italians. Unfortunately, when at Milan, he focuses on his line of turtleneck sweaters for Polo Raph Lauren and just passes the ball to Ronaldinho all the time. Would be a more successful runway model if he wasn't so short.
- Ronaldinho: AC Milan realized they were focusing too much on their fashion collections and not really winning any games. So the president of Italy, Berlusconi, who also owns the team, whom he goes for to fashion advice, decided who better to bring on than the best player in the world? Unfortunately, Ronaldinho hadn't been playing well at his old club, Barcellona, and only got more distracted in Milan as he focused on his clothing line for Nike. This entire part of the entry isn't a joke. At all. That's exactly what happened.
David Beckham: My hands hurt, I'm sick of typing. He's got his own entry. Read it.
- Alexandre Pato: Young Brazilian who's job it is to single-handedly win every game for Milan. He must fill in the gap left by Kaká. And compensate for Ronaldinho. No Pressure. Unfortunately, he is becoming increasingly distracted by his new line for Addidas.
Berlusconi, an italian word for large balls (Berlusche being the word for balls in a little known southern dialect of a town where Berlusconi's family originates from, and the suffix -oni beaning Large in the garble that is everyday standard Italian) is actually the name of a very important person to AC Milan. This man was the prime minister of Italy and is now the country's sole dictator and simultaneous largest patron of its nightlife sector. He wasn't always prime minister though. there was a time (italians call this THE 80's) when he was a small time contractor just ripping off people of their money and occasionally swindling the government for contracts to children's hospitals that were left unfinished to testify to his slyness. Eventually, he built some houses that ended up being inhabited, but because he didn't know much about selling and buying deeds and the like, (you know, like a normal contractor would) because he had mostly focused on swindling, he found himself with several hundred people paying their rent directly into his pockets. He scratched his head and scratched his head to try to figure out what to do with all this money, and eventually decided to buy a TV channel, seeing as there was nothing good on TV anyway, so he could full broadcast time with Porn. One channel became three, and the TV game started to get boring.
So old Berlusconi decided to buy a bank, and renamed it Mediolanum, combining the name of his city of birth, Milano with a word of his own invention. Once he owned a bank, he realized that he also had, hypothetically, infinity money. So he the decided to buy a soccer team. That soccer team was, unfortunately, AC Milan. At first, he used his infinity money to bring in top talent, like Van Basten, Donadoni, Weah, and several others. But after a while he got bored of that too, because he's like a sodding four years old with a limited attention span. So he ran for public office, specifically the office of prime minister, using his television channels to brainwash the masses into voting for him. Once in office, he used the state's control over the television stations he didn't own (the only television stations in italy that he didn't own by now were the ones directly controlled by the government) to effectively control all media in the country. So now he left the team to their own devices, letting them age and get distracted by careers in fashion, instead of pleasing the fans by, every once in awhile, winning some sort of trophy or other. All of this is true. I know it sounds like I'm joking or trying to be funny, but this should be on goddamn wikipedia because it's downright that accurate.
Every once in awhile, AC Milan's team has a few boys in the roster who do not get sidetracked by their clothing line. This was the case in 2006, where for a variety of miracles involving Cafú, Jaap Staam, Rui Costa and Hernan Crespo magically uninfluenced by the massive amount of design careers being offered to them, were able to drag the team to that year's Champions League final, in Istambul. For the occasion, the entire team put on hold their modeling appointments and got on the field ready to play some serious football. By the end of the first half, they were winning 3–0. Unfortunately, in the locker room, despite attempts by team captain Paolo Maldini to keep his teammates alert and aware of what they were doing, they all slowly took out their blackberrys and began to manage their multimedia and fashion empires because they are vagina people.
So entranced were they by this that in the entire second half Maldini effectively played on his own and the score was 3-3 by the end of regular time. By the time penalties rolled around, most of AC Milan's team had wandered off the pitch in search of the nearest design studio. Long story short AC Milan lost the 2006 champions league final because they lost interest. Because they are a bunch of models and designers, and not football players. Needless to say Rui Costa and Jaap Staam as well as all the other serious players left the team within the next few months. Going to show that perhaps they should concentrate on getting the ball in the net instead of their multimedia empires. To sum up AC Milan's team members are retarded. RETARDED. That will be all.
Ricardo Kaká's name is often confused for the word that children have been using for ages to call poop. Unfortunately, Kaká is anything but. His job in AC Milan for many years was to remind his teammates that getting the ball inside the net was their primary concern, not runway modeling. Unfortunately, his contribution to the Dolce & Gabbana winter collection was deemed unsatisfactory, so he was sold to Real Madrid, where he promptly did not fit in with the team, because he did not speak dutch. This sounds like a random joke. It is not. Check it out. Real Madrid has like eight million dutch players. That's why Kaká isn't playing all that well. And in all honesty he's still playing fine.
This is the mandatory section on pirates. Third Reich. That's just a link I thought I ought to include.
Association football • Can Soccer • English Football Fans • FIFA • Fitba • Final Fantasy Football • Football • Football Focus • Football hooliganism • Football in India • Footy • Goal celebration • Grandmasterchampionship • Major League Soccer • Professional Footballers' Association • Referee • Scottish Sports • Soccer • Soccer mom
Alan Hansen • Amadou Konte • Arjen Robben • Barry Ferguson • Christian Dailly • Craig Foster • David Beckham • David Icke • David James • Didier Drogba • Diego Maradona • Duncan Ferguson • Eden Hazard • Edgar Davids • Eric Cantona • Fernando Torres • Frank Lampard • Gabriel Agbonlahor • Gary Neville • Georgios Samaras • Gheorghe Hagi • Gordon Ramsay • Grzegorz Rasiak • Hertz Van Rental • Iker Casillas • Joey Barton • Lionel Messi • Mark Lawrenson • Michael Owen • Nwankwo Kanu • Paul Gascoigne • Paul Hartley • Pelé • Peter Crouch • Peter Schmeichel • Rio Ferdinand • Robert Green • Roberto Carlos • Robinho • Shimon Peres • Stern John • Steve Staunton • Steven Gerrard • Teddy Sheringham • Thierry Henry • Yuri Zhirkov • Zinedine Zidane
Alan Sugar • Alex Ferguson • Alex McLeish • Arsene Wenger • Avram Grant • Berti Vogts • Delia Smith • Elton John • Fabio Capello • Graham Poll • Harry Redknapp • Ian Holloway • Jose Mourinho • Lawrie Sanchez • Mick McCarthy • Owain Glyndwr's Footy Manager • Rafael Benítez • Ray Stubbs • Roy Keane • Sepp Blatter • Silvio Berlusconi • Steve McClaren • Sven-Göran Eriksson
A.S. Roma • AFC Ajax • A-League • Aston Villa F.C. • Biggleswade F.C. • Bolton Wanderers F.C. • Derby County FC • Dublin Drunken Popes • FC Frisco • Fulham F.C. • Greys Athletic F.C. • Leigh Genesis F.C. • Londres • Manchester City • Newcastle United • Norwich City F.C. • Pompeii F.C. • Sandwell Town • Seattle Sounders FC • Sunderland AFC • Sydney FC • Tartan Army • The Super League of Extraordinary Gentlemen • Wigan Warriors
Ancient Football World Cup • Croft Park • FIFA Middle Earth Cup • Football War • The Ferguson-Wenger Wager • The Liverpool Beach Ball • The World Cup • UEFA Champions League • UnReviews:FIFA 10 • Vuvuzela • World Cup Germany 2006
2010 FIFA Middle Earth Cup soon to begin • America: Oh, You mean 'Soccer'! • Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! • Capello identifies key 'ingredients' to success • Celtic F.C. sign youth player in transfer mix-up • Dutch clogs no match for Spanish bull • English excuse for not winning the 2010 football World Cup is revealed • F.C. Blatter win the FIFA Crony Cup again • Fabio Capello 'sleeping with the fishes' in brutal slaying • Fifa turns down English replay plea • Footballer has sex with wife • Football's ten worst sinners • France avenges World Cup defeat • Gatorade source contaminated, US economy collapses, Brits follow suit • Gay men banned from playing soccer in high altitudes • Germany Plans invasion of Spain, Netherlands next? • Jabulani ball causes more distress • Jesus given one-year ban • Luis Suarez's good food guide • Massive stadium brawl breaks out over contemporary solipsist philosophy • New sports crime tribunal to try England's football flops • North Korea purge football team after 7-0 humiliation • Paul the Octopus considers offer from Uncyclopedia • Pope wore a German football shirt as he watched Argentina lose in World Cup • Psychic Octopus to be offered new identity if Spain lose World Cup final • Referees again dictate outcome of match • Scientists dampen World Cup enthusiasm by concluding football really is just 22 men running around a field chasing a ball • Soccer fans shun art for hookers • Soccer game ends in tie • Soccer-playing abortion doctor goes for the death-threat trifecta • South Africa to change name to Vuvuzela • Stan Marsh presents: 2022 FIFA World Cup • Television commentators stock up with clichés for World Cup Final today • The football is over • United States robbed of World Cup • World Cup Fever leads to mass pneumonia • Zidane welcome in Spain: A new challenge for matadors