“I thought soccer players tried to get the ball inside the net...”
Associazione Calcio Milan, commonly referred to as A.C. Milan or simply Milan, is a group of aging Italian fashion models under the impression that they are a soccer team based in Milan. Once one of the greatest football teams in Europe, AC Milan's players were distracted by their countless Dolce & Gabbana endorsements and continuous releases of fashion collections, thoroughly forgetting that to continue said endorsements they must, every once in awhile, win a major cup at some point in time.
The boys in red
AC Milan's colors are red and black. They were chosen because the team's founder, a certain British guy who thought he was a cat, was also a satan worshipper. The team's nickname in italian is "I Diavoli." This translates to, "Satanic emissaries of hell," more or less. As the years went by the team moved away from its origins worshipping satan and moved towards runway modeling. Today, the team sees the likes of David Beckham, Clarence Seedorf and Ronaldinho, all fashion icons who unfortunately seem to have forgotten that their primary mode if income involves getting a black-and-white ball inside a net every Sunday, and a few Tuesdays in between. As far as I'm concerned they suck shit.
AC Milan's starting squad consists of the following players:
- Christian Abbiatti: Is under the impression he is a goalkeeper. Milan, being the team that they are, forgot that they needed a goalkeeper, at some point. When the team put their heads together and tried to understand why they weren't playing well, they promptly pointed out that their goal was a gigantic gaping vagina hole of a girl who will let anything inside lest it be missing any limbs. So they called in Abbiatti. Who was about 74 years old and had been out on loan at various teams in spain and italy, because god knows Milan didn't need him then. So they told him that he'd go from has-been to their first choice goalkeeper. Abbiatti of course accepted because his clothing line from Diadora would receive more publicity this way.
- Ignazio Abate: A young 20-something right winger. Possesses a good cross and a better shot. Quite the dribbler. For these precise reasons, he is played as a defender. God knows why. Perhaps because he has yet to release a major clothing line.
- Alessandro Nesta: Veteran fashion designer and occasional soccer player. His advanced age means that he plays for about two weeks every season before becoming injured and taking the rest of the year off.
- Luca Antonini: Mediocre left back. Never released a major fashion line. For lack of any better left backs, milan keeps playing him.
- Gennaro Gattuso: Actually an angry bearded fish salesman, he is on the team for design inspiration.
- Massimo Ambrosini: Forgettable team captain. Never released a successful clothing line.
- Andrea Pirlo: Widely regarded as one of the best players in the world. Visionary playmaker and a certain eye for goal that is hard to find, especially amongst Italians. Unfortunately, when at Milan, he focuses on his line of turtleneck sweaters for Polo Raph Lauren and just passes the ball to Ronaldinho all the time. Would be a more successful runway model if he wasn't so short.
- Ronaldinho: AC Milan realized they were focusing too much on their fashion collections and not really winning any games. So the president of Italy, Berlusconi, who also owns the team, whom he goes for to fashion advice, decided who better to bring on than the best player in the world? Unfortunately, Ronaldinho hadn't been playing well at his old club, Barcellona, and only got more distracted in Milan as he focused on his clothing line for Nike. This entire part of the entry isn't a joke. At all. That's exactly what happened.
David Beckham: My hands hurt, I'm sick of typing. He's got his own entry. Read it.
- Alexandre Pato: Young Brazilian who's job it is to single-handedly win every game for Milan. He must fill in the gap left by Kaká. And compensate for Ronaldinho. No Pressure. Unfortunately, he is becoming increasingly distracted by his new line for Addidas.
Berlusconi, an italian word for large balls (Berlusche being the word for balls in a little known southern dialect of a town where Berlusconi's family originates from, and the suffix -oni beaning Large in the garble that is everyday standard Italian) is actually the name of a very important person to AC Milan. This man was the prime minister of Italy and is now the country's sole dictator and simultaneous largest patron of its nightlife sector. He wasn't always prime minister though. there was a time (italians call this THE 80's) when he was a small time contractor just ripping off people of their money and occasionally swindling the government for contracts to children's hospitals that were left unfinished to testify to his slyness. Eventually, he built some houses that ended up being inhabited, but because he didn't know much about selling and buying deeds and the like, (you know, like a normal contractor would) because he had mostly focused on swindling, he found himself with several hundred people paying their rent directly into his pockets. He scratched his head and scratched his head to try to figure out what to do with all this money, and eventually decided to buy a TV channel, seeing as there was nothing good on TV anyway, so he could full broadcast time with Porn. One channel became three, and the TV game started to get boring.
So old Berlusconi decided to buy a bank, and renamed it Mediolanum, combining the name of his city of birth, Milano with a word of his own invention. Once he owned a bank, he realized that he also had, hypothetically, infinity money. So he the decided to buy a soccer team. That soccer team was, unfortunately, AC Milan. At first, he used his infinity money to bring in top talent, like Van Basten, Donadoni, Weah, and several others. But after a while he got bored of that too, because he's like a sodding four years old with a limited attention span. So he ran for public office, specifically the office of prime minister, using his television channels to brainwash the masses into voting for him. Once in office, he used the state's control over the television stations he didn't own (the only television stations in italy that he didn't own by now were the ones directly controlled by the government) to effectively control all media in the country. So now he left the team to their own devices, letting them age and get distracted by careers in fashion, instead of pleasing the fans by, every once in awhile, winning some sort of trophy or other. All of this is true. I know it sounds like I'm joking or trying to be funny, but this should be on goddamn wikipedia because it's downright that accurate.
Every once in awhile, AC Milan's team has a few boys in the roster who do not get sidetracked by their clothing line. This was the case in 2006, where for a variety of miracles involving Cafú, Jaap Staam, Rui Costa and Hernan Crespo magically uninfluenced by the massive amount of design careers being offered to them, were able to drag the team to that year's Champions League final, in Istambul. For the occasion, the entire team put on hold their modeling appointments and got on the field ready to play some serious football. By the end of the first half, they were winning 3–0. Unfortunately, in the locker room, despite attempts by team captain Paolo Maldini to keep his teammates alert and aware of what they were doing, they all slowly took out their blackberrys and began to manage their multimedia and fashion empires because they are vagina people.
So entranced were they by this that in the entire second half Maldini effectively played on his own and the score was 3-3 by the end of regular time. By the time penalties rolled around, most of AC Milan's team had wandered off the pitch in search of the nearest design studio. Long story short AC Milan lost the 2006 champions league final because they lost interest. Because they are a bunch of models and designers, and not football players. Needless to say Rui Costa and Jaap Staam as well as all the other serious players left the team within the next few months. Going to show that perhaps they should concentrate on getting the ball in the net instead of their multimedia empires. To sum up AC Milan's team members are retarded. RETARDED. That will be all.
Ricardo Kaká's name is often confused for the word that children have been using for ages to call poop. Unfortunately, Kaká is anything but. His job in AC Milan for many years was to remind his teammates that getting the ball inside the net was their primary concern, not runway modeling. Unfortunately, his contribution to the Dolce & Gabbana winter collection was deemed unsatisfactory, so he was sold to Real Madrid, where he promptly did not fit in with the team, because he did not speak dutch. This sounds like a random joke. It is not. Check it out. Real Madrid has like eight million dutch players. That's why Kaká isn't playing all that well. And in all honesty he's still playing fine.
This is the mandatory section on pirates. Third Reich. That's just a link I thought I ought to include.