Norwich City F.C.

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Photo of the original 1903 team relaxing within the Carrow Road Stadium.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Norwich City F.C..

Norwich City Football Club is an English professional football club based in Norwich, Norfolk. Founded by a bunch of homophobic goths and farmers, Naarwich City was born. They are known for being a popular hang out for farmers in the area and coincidentally are universally known for failure and not winning a decent trophy.

Club History[edit]

The travelling faithful prepare to follow their beloved Norwich City.

Norwich City was formed in 1903 but a group of fustrated, gay Goths that found out they were attracted to the local major of Norwich and as a result attempted to get him to fund a football team just so they could get him somewhere alone and dark (later found out to be the Norwich dressing rooms). The writer of this takes it in the ass big time.

The team originally consisted of eleven young boys who wanted to earn a spare shilling as well as do their daily chores on their respective farmyards. The Norwich major, Harold Sorearse hired manager Tommy Purverty who was well known for his failed management stints at Yeovil, Cambridge, Hertford and Southend. The kit was yellow and green as the orignial strips (which were white) was kept at a local farmers house, poisoned chickens which are now known to have been diagnosed with bird flu had threw up over the kits and because nobody has heard pf washing in Norwich, the players had to play in the kits. The sick dried and so reluctantly the kits had to stay for another 40 years.

Norwich finished 15th, 14th, 13th, 15th and 17th in the Pontins League Table (18 clubs reluctantly took part). However, after the War, Purverty was hit by a stray bomb during the Blitz to the delight of Norfolk and Sorearse resigned due to an "uncomfortable series of events" most notably his virginity taken in every possible hole of his body by the randy gothic Norwich board. New manager Geoff Farmer, who had experience working in several small retail outlets and the board still consisting of several Goths and now a few handpicked farmers so Norwich could appeal to the locals.

Naarwich, as they affectionally became known to from rival clubs then hired a local park called Carrowcottage Road and went on to build small wooden stands. Then the rivallry with Ipswich Town was born but the first game was called off as only seven players from each side appeared as farm chores took priority over the other players from both sides. Seven weeks later and the first game was hastily arrived so the Carrowcottage faithful of 24 farmers and several gay Goths could call themselves the Pride of Anglia. Ipswich won 5-0. Norwich boooo, Geoff Farmer resigned in the barn.

Then followed 60 years of winning absolute shit all.

Present[edit]

Norwich City supporter celebrates their unprecidated success in the Milk Cup.

The club is universally known for its complete lack of success (bar a Milk Cup victory which no other club participated in) and death of 10 of their first team regulars due to the Foot and Mouth outbreak.

Two years ago the club was controversally promoted thanks to the money from Delia Smith but it was found that she had bribed several rival chairman into wild sex acts at her apartment in Chelsea and Naarwich was set to be automatically relegated. But the FA decided to see how well the club would do before their inevitable suspension from the Premiership, and to their humour Naarwich were relegated immediately despite having a chance to avoid relegation on the final day, the FA didn't bother to tell the Naarwich fanbase of a few thousands but Delia Smith has since been monitored by 24/7 CCTV footage to avoid any repeat of the acts. The club are currently in the Championship and went on for two low league positions.

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Did you know...
Darren Fuckersheep and Terry Smallcock had set up a small betting business and won over £23,000,000 because they had bet that Norwich (their own club) would lose every game of their 1994/95 season, which they did.

The clubs have played each other 104 times, and out of these Norwich have only managed to beat Ipswich on four occasions(thats because norwich are retards and shit), on a majority of the occasions Ipswich have won with ease. The most notable time was a 8-2 victory in the final of the Texaco Cup (both clubs only took part) and Ipswich went on to win the gold, yet and as a consolation prize, Norwich were offered a year's free supply of fuel, to the delight of the local chavs and David Sheepshagger.

Famous Players[edit]

  • Terry Allwin
  • Darren Qualiby
  • Chris Hutton
  • Ian Carverhouse
  • Bryans Mum
  • Jason Tackle
  • Thomas Wankskin
  • Tom Caff
  • Irwan Roberts
  • Robert Fleck
  • Kevin Drinker
  • Jamie Curewin
  • Ginger Pele
  • Roger Akucf
  • GrantWin
  • Steven Wright - famed murderer, lived in Ipswich but originally from Norwich. As proved by the 12 fingers and 9 toes the accused had.

Pitch Commentator[edit]

It is widely believed that the Pitch Commentator is, in fact, The Stig, the mysterious racing car driver from Top Gear. wanker