Major League Soccer

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~ Steven Lenhart on the state of MLS.

Minor League Soccer (MLS)[1] is a semi-professional soccer league based in the United States and sanctioned by the United States Soccerball Federation (U.S. Soccer). The league comprises 26 teams, 23 in the U.S. and three in Canada. MLS represents the top tier of the American and, even more embarrassingly, Canadian soccer pyramids. The organization is setup to pretend that the country is part of the "world's game" and functions as a retirement home for former players from around the world, especially those looking to transition into acting and/or celebrity business.

History[edit | edit source]

MLS was founded when David Beckham arrived in 2007 attempting to attract interest of the sport in the United States. Really, it was some bullshit excuse knowing that he had no fucking chance to make it at Real Madrid, but he in his prima donna self wanted to be a tyrant and juice out MLS and suck it dry.

Thierry Henry is here cause he likes to vacation in New York and needed to kill time on Saturday afternoons. Signing in 2010 he reminded anyone that cared that after three years, MLS is not dead.

MLS has a closed shop tyrant structure of sheer communism so that the death of the league is prolonged to about 10 years. Unlike the NASL which lasted for the two years Pele played for the New York Cozmos or the ASL which was organized by expats swimming across the pond for freedom, before realizing that baseball was an easier way to call yourself an athlete and not actually do shit.

Organization[edit | edit source]

The league is made up of 18 teams that are actually franchises, but the leagues called "clubs" in a shameless effort to look aesthetic. All is negated with the mental deficient management of the league, they intend to have all the teams in the world move to the US and be the biggest league ever. When they have taken the "world's game" from the world they plan to repackage it and sell it back for eight times it's value even though they stole it.

The league ignores standard protocols such as promotion and relegation in order to line the pockets of the league itself. It was only after pressure from people who knew about the game that they began to keep time like the rest of the world. Thankfully, it has only managed to irk the lone soccer fan in the United States, and the only American who is aware of the method's existence.

"Friendly" matches[edit | edit source]

The primary reason MLS is still in business after five years is that they manage to pay top European football teams to send their sixth string squads across the pond so that 51 people show up to games. Generally, the top MLS teams (meaning they've tied more than lost) field their starters and lose 7-0 to the likes of Man You.

International competition[edit | edit source]

Until the six American soccer fans demanded that MLS teams give a shit about the KONKOOKHAF Champions League, no teams really cared, let alone, knew of its existence. Consequently, everyone in Mexico and Central America was proud that their reserves could be MLS U-14 teams. Until 2011, all MLS teams that won the MLS Cup, a crapshoot piece of shit, or the Supporters' Shield, which those six fans adore, or this US Open Cup non tennis bullshit, were forced by Chuck Blazer to sail to Central America to play in this KONKOOKHAF Tournament.

That all changed in 2011 when Real Salt Lake reminded us that the tournament is actually exists and reached the finals, and pathetically lost. They did make SportsCenter, being the first thing from Utah on the program in 21 years, when the basketball team from that land were humiliated by Michael Jordan.

Teams[edit | edit source]

Current Teams[edit | edit source]

List of MLS franchise establishments:[2][3]

  • SanJAY Smurfquakes
  • Actual Salt Lake
  • LAG
  • Gay Rights Union
  • Robert Kraft's side project to sell cheap beer to afford Tom Brady's paycheck. Also called the "Revolution".
  • New Jersey Energy Drinks
  • Washington D.C. United States
  • Toronto's Fucking Crap (often called "TFC"
  • FF (Football Franchise) Dallas
  • Houston Green Cards
  • Kansas City Sporks
  • Ohio State Buckeyes
  • Chicago Burnt
  • Vancouver Whitecraps
  • Crapids
  • Portland Deforestation
  • Seattle Flounders
  • Montreal French Tabarnak (le Tabarnac Francais de Montréal)
  • Not the Minnesota Vikings
  • Another Los Angeles Team
  • New York City!
  • Down South Orlando
  • Hotlanta United FC
  • Cincy Ben Gals United FC
  • Miami Flamingoes
  • Nashville Musical City

Future Teams[edit | edit source]

  • Charlotte CLT FC
  • City of St. Louis SC

Defunct Teams[edit | edit source]

Criticisms[edit | edit source]

Ever since the Major League Soccer founded they have lost over 678 quadrillion dollars, at a rate of 600 million per second trying to pay for David Beckham's retirement house. Since the league has issues paying for his cross country flights so he can play for each franchise, they continously have to take loans from SUM.

Also, the league gets jeered at for Making Little Stadiums, another terminology when referencing MLS. The arenas, aptly named soccer-specific stadiums sit about 18 to 30 people so that it looks more hostile with seven or eight people in the stands.

Hipster soccer fans[edit | edit source]

MLS tries to create fan culture in a family friend setting. So it's like going to your local high school or college Amurican throwball game with obnoxious drunk twenty something hipsters trying to think they're trendy and hip going to a soccer game.

Hipsters, which are predominate in Seattle and Portland help their teams excel in attendance. In fact, the entire population of both cities go to their club's respective games. About 370,000 people on average go to a Flounders game, whereas 186,000 people go to a Loggers match.

Player statistics[edit | edit source]

Famous Former Players "Playing" in MLS[edit | edit source]

  • Terry Henry
  • David Beckham
  • Victoria Beckham
  • Rafa Marquez
  • Robbie the Leprechaun
  • Cual... Cuatemhoc... Uh.. Blanco

Average Players in MLS that the league makes you think are famous[edit | edit source]

  • Landycakes Donovan
  • Johhny Brostieeen
  • The rest are no names

MLS Cult Heros[edit | edit source]

  • Steven "Goonies Never Say Die" Lenhart
  • Kyle Bornstein 2.0 Beckerman
  • The Flounders Footballsoccer Franchice roster

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. As is vigorously known as MLS by six American soccer fans, and "the MLS" by Eurosnobs is the North American attempt at understanding the game of Football, which the silly Americans call "soccer."
  2. The Los Angeles area has two franchise branches of MLS: One is called Los Angeles Galaxy, the other is something with goats.
  3. MLS stole two good minor league teams called the Seattle Flounders and Portscum Deforestation that have been around since the 1860s.