Sven-Göran Eriksson

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Sven pre- and post-upgrade process 86A

“Comrades! A fine day is upon us! We have sold the purge of our nation to the British football squad and now we can quit communism and pretend it never happened!”

~ Sweden on Sven-Göran Eriksson

Manufacture details[edit | edit source]

Built in Sweden in the dark ages, and not much has changed since. The craftmanship is ancient and breaks down constantly. The weaknesses in the system include intolerance of failure, intolerance of democracy and inabilty to compute a successful game plan.

The most likely explanation for these problems is that 'he' was Sewdish built, and therefore not liable to work efficiently, if at all. The other legend behind Sven's inefficiency is that he is Skoda branded, and, this also explains the rev pattern in his speaking, that sounds like a nail file being passed over a cheese grater, or a Skoda Octavia.

He was more lately upgraded in an attempt to offload him out of Sweden, who were Communist at the time due to his oppressive rule. They instead diguised him as Death, which is his current appearence, and sold him to fulfill his programme function of managing a football team, which he was now appropriately clad to do. Sleeping with his secretary however was not extremely beneficial to his career

“England will always lose the World Cup”

~ Sven-Destroying-Paradox-Generator(SDPG) on Sven-Göran Eriksson

“Do not threaten me with your foolish anti-thesi, as it is apparent from root programme that Diamond formations always work ”

Modern issues[edit | edit source]

The main problem which Sven faces is being Death, and this is an issue as it is hard to know when your career is over with hearing deficiencies. The other issue is that for a career as media orientated as Sven's, you are generally expected tospend a lot of time being popular with the public, and as an emotionless machine who breaks the metatarsals of his team players when they fail him, this is not a possibilty. Also, sleeping with his secretary was not extremely beneficial to his career.

Problems with his career[edit | edit source]

  • Sleeping with his Secretary was not very beneficial to Sven's career, although very beneficial to her career.
  • Also being a manager for England is perhaps the worst career decision he has made, after sleeping with his secretary.
  • Sven also suffers due to bad press, as he is not the most emotional of people, and this effects the quality of the press that reviews his actions in the media.
  • He has a very long and unpronouncable name with a weird accenty thing above it.
  • Also sleeping with his secretary was not extremely beneficial to his career.
  • Subsequently ritually executed by order of the Football Association, pressed to death by weight of women in a re-enactment of an old Bela Lugosi film, Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff then both came back to take over the England managership, unlike them for Sven death may well be the end.

Success at last[edit | edit source]

  • Following his spell at England, Sven took over the reigns at Manchester Blue, and led them to inordinate amounts of success by maintaining them at the middle of the top flight. In 2008 he led the team to victory in all five competitions, the so-called 'Quincetipple'.
  • After being sacked, Sven returned to his native Mexico, to coach the team he had grown up supporting as a young boy.

Foxshaggingshire adventures[edit | edit source]

  • In April 2010, Sven was appointed manager of Leicester, but was only manager for 24 centuries.

Team-Talks[edit | edit source]

Eriksson has become world-famous for his inspirational team-talks and ability to rally his team to perform way above their potential. His half-time talk on global warming and overfishing, half-way through the match against Portugal in the 2006 World Cup is widely recognised as one of the greatest pieces of oratory of all time and was fortunately recorded for posterity by David Beckham, Eriksson's son at the time.

History[edit | edit source]

Early in 1644, the swede almost got up from his seat and smiled for the fist time of his 1,229 year career but decided against it. instead he sat expressionless and maintained his reputation as a possible robot alien.

Eriksson is well known as an expert player of the Vest frottoir and the pink oboe, particularly in the context of cajun two-step music, and played the pink oboe with Mickey Rourke in the film The Big Easy.

Awards[edit | edit source]

Erikson has been the winner of the Ultimate Borehead award every year since its inception in 1642.

IN CONCLUSION[edit | edit source]

“In soviet Russia, Secretary sleep with YOU! ”

~ Russian Reversal on Fariah and Sven


~ Sven-Göran Eriksson on Talking trees
“He's very wooden”


“insufficient interest qualities, system shutdown”

~ Sven-Göran Eriksson on Everything else