Silvio Berlusconi
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Silvio Berlusconi strongly requests you to quit your childish whining for the sake of your family's security.
You wouldn't want anything to happen to them, do you?
Silvio "Wallet of God" Berlusconi ("The Knight") in known in Italy as the eighth dwarf, Psychodwarf, Asphalt head, Italian Donald Trump, The Godfather or His Emittance, was born by immaculate conception in Arcore, Palestine, in the dawn of the modern age to Montgomery C. Burns and Anna Nicole Smith, and was soon blessed by the Holy Ghost. He is also known in Italy as Psycho-Dwarf, Dorian Gray and Truffolo (translates as "scam-dwarf") due to his contained size and his psychopathic obsessed attitude towards height, age and money. He likes getting bombs in his basement's house because he considers them a gift from some mafia mobsters. These bombs never explode, though, or they only explode when Silvio isn't around. And when they explode, he knows they are never set up to kill him, because he's one of Marcello Dell'Utri's best friends. In his spare time it has been widely know that he enjoys the following; underage sex, mass orgies, being fed grapes by call girls, organised crime, denying organised crime, Satanic prayer and most often Freemason related duties that only serve to increase the gap between the new world order and what Berlusconi likes to call "The un-sexy cattle to which we must pretend to serve".
He earned his first bucks as a professional basketball and volleyball player prior to becoming the goalkeeper of AC Milan football club, not to mention his long run as a piano player and singer on cruise ships. Most of his fans insist that he should have sticked to a musical career, supported by the success of his folk composition aired all the time on all major Italian radio stations (which, coincidentally, he owns). After that he tried acting in gay porn, but was rejected for unknown reasons.
Thanks to the huge amount of money made with his hard work, he created a dozen new TV stations and bought all the existing newspapers; since he was already the richest man in Italy he didn't buy all these to become richer, but to inform the Italian population about the angry mutant alien communists and their weird evil theory, called freedom of speech.
During a speech at the end of November 2006, many people claim he died and resurrected. Got fucked by the parliament and they finally fired his ass.
Political life[edit | edit source]
Silvio Berlusconi entered politics to save HIS country (he owns it) from the mutant alien communists from outer space, the proof that this is true is that there is no current communist tyranny ongoing in Italy. He joined the Jewish National Socialist Party of Italy. He doesn't like power, money and the like since he thinks he should have retired since long and sit all day long in a park bench feeding pigeons and the poor with crumbs. Silvio Berlusconi, after winning against communist enemy Walter Veltroni, is actually AGAIN Italy's Prime Minister with his friends from Lega Nord, famous for their erections. Veltroni, though, denies having lost. He also denies having been a communist ever. He's currently working on denying his own existence. Berlusconi is quite pleased with having such an opposition. "Veltroni's opposition is comfy as the couches I have in my pied-a-terre", Silvio reportedly said.
Silvio Berlusconi has very selective criteria he uses to choose his ministers. Reported from a judiciary wiretapping, current minister and former Mediaset showgirl Mara Carfagna recently had to remind Don Silvio of these standards: "Silvio, you must not nominate minister this guy, because he touched my ass and my ass belongs to you and you alone!".
The criterion used to choose her was a simple well-done blow job, anyway (From her to him, just to be clear).
Berlusconi, upon his comeback to power in 2008, had the Parliament pass a bye-law (called "Lodo Alfano") stating that the Prime Minister cannot be indicted or prosecuted. The President of The Republic, Giorgio O'Nnapulitano, obliged and ratified that law on the condition that he'd be safe from prosecution, too. Berlusconi is now angry with the Parliament because they took too much time to pass that law (about three days), and is willing to curb the number of MPs. Devil-worshipping-baby-eating-communists maintain that Berlusconi wanted the "Lodo Alfano" so he cannot be tried in the Mills trial, or for dating a then-underage girl called Noemi Letizia - who very likely is daughter to a camorrista.
EU Monarchy[edit | edit source]
He had to take the cumbersome role of king of the EU for a while to protect Italy from kapos and other extraterrestrial menaces to the nation. Stuck in an environment that soon proved to be too serious for him, he quickly became popular in the European political environment for his well measured comebacks and polite, intelligent jokes.
Miracles[edit | edit source]
Besides the well-known "Miracolo Italiano" (Italian Miracle), the God-blessing benevolence can be seen also in the quantity of hair that every day grow on the head of his holiness Mister Citizen Berlusconi. One hair for devil. Skeptics and bloodthirsty baby-eating communists claim that he instead robbed Pinocchio of his hair and had it transplanted to his own head, after gangraping him together with notorious mobster Marcello Dell'Utri and the current minister Mara Carfagna.
Personal image[edit | edit source]
According to recent wiretappings[1], one of his girlfriends has complained that "his ass is flaccid.'
International politics[edit | edit source]
He's a close friend of George W Bush and Tony Blair solely for the reason that all their family names start with a capital "B", indeed they first heard of each other browsing the phonebook looking for pen pals. He thought he could do the same with Putin, before realizing that "Putin" begins with "P" and not "B"; he blames this error to a sneak attack of bloodthirsty intellectual commies against the freedom of alphabet.
AC Milan[edit | edit source]
AC Milan is Berlusconi's private modeling agency who specializes in turning around the careers of washed-up aging soccer players by introducing them to the fashion world. They are not pirates. Berlusconi's involvement with the team is a total conflict of interest but he seems to forget that seeing as he also owns three television channels. This would not be a big deal if the other three television channels (yes, there are six television channels in his country. Please do not be surprised. This is Italy after all) were not owned by the government. Seeing as Berlusconi is the government, he effectively controls the country's media. And with AC Milan, he now exerts a major influence on Italy's only exportable good: The Fashion industry. It is with actions like these that Berlusconi is slowly becoming the sole proprietor of anything and everything in Italy. What a country.
Mottos[edit | edit source]
- I's better spending time with pretty women than being gay.
- A concrete engagement: I put it myself in the ass.
- The strength of a dream: to raise it to us at the ass.
- When you're smart you can lead a nation... If you're not, you should at least be suntanned
- although the law was equal for all, application of the law is another matter* LODO ALFANO
- All people are equal...but some are more equal than others.
Actual quotes[edit | edit source]
What you will read below are actual quotes by Mr. Berlusconi himself, sometimes reality is far better than fiction. He is known for being a very good comedian, see why below. Some even say that he is Italy's finest comedian and that's why many comedians have been "banned" from TV. Of course it's not true, they're simply jealous because he stole their job.
| “ | MAFIA? I don't know it | ” |
| “ | Mussolini never killed anyone | ” |
| “ | …an unfuckable lard-arse | ” |
- —- When describing the appearance of former German chancellor Angela Merkl
| “ | I never did Business through Politics, I always lost money | ” |
- —His companies (3 TV channels, insurance, magazines, publishing, ... ) have made record breaking profits when he was in office thanks to tax-cuts he passed and crimes he abolished from the penal code.
| “ | (10 June, 1995) "I will make an announcement tomorrow". (Next day): "I never said I would make an announcement today" | ” |
| “ | Our target is to cut in half the crime rate within the end of office"; (2 days later): "I never said I would cut in half the crime rate!" | ” |
| “ | What? me corrupted? that would be like indicting Mother Theresa. | ” |
| “ | If there is someone that reminds me of Gandhi, that's me | ” |
| “ | Mandela arrived to power after 20 years of Prison; I am younger. | ” |
| “ | I've been anointed by God, there truly is something divine about being elected by the people' | ” |
- —That sounds just like George W. Bush
| “ | I will be in History: prepare a monument. | ” |
| “ | I always agree with the USA even before knowing what they have to say. | ” |
| “ | The law is equal for all, but for some is more equal. | ” |
- —A fine example of dark comedy.
Literature[edit | edit source]
- Silvio Berlusconi: 1000 Jokes About Earthquakes And Niggers, Editrice Fanfarone, 2009
Notes[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
- Silvio Berlusconi: European democracy has never been in bigger danger...
- Silvio Berlusconi: a threath for European democracy?
- Silvio Berlusconi is taking over the European media
- Silvio Berlusconi and the 2008 'democratic' election campaign
- Silvio Berlusconi: First the gypsies, what's next?
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