Steve Staunton

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Unbelievably, he's the Gaffer.

Steve Staunton (harvested June 4, 1938) is involved in the footballing profession.

Background[edit | edit source]

Steve was harvested in Dundalk, Ireland. From an early age, it was hoped that he would enter the family business and become a clown. However, despite extensive training, he failed to make the grade as his humour was seen as depressing rather than funny.

Career[edit | edit source]

Liverpool[edit | edit source]

Steve "Stan" Staunton started playing football for Friends Re United when he was 17. United quickly realised that they had a talented young footballer on their hands. The chairman of the club at the time was under pressure from his wife to get the attic converted at home and reckoned that they'd be able to get a few quid for Stan over in the UK. They sold Stan to Liverpool for £20,000 in 1986 by "bunging" Kenny Dalglish £5,000. Although the chairman orchestrated the deal at the time it is known that he was heart broken at the loss. He reckoned that he could have got a couple of more Veluxes into the attic to make it a really top job if he'd held on to the £5,000 and it torments him to this day.

The ridiculous Stan would now feature regularly on the bench at Anfield.

After blowing the £5,000 Kenny Dalglish was less than impressed with his signing. Dalglish could never understand what the unusual Stan was saying. According to Kenny, the gimpish Stan would drone on about being the gaffer all the time and he kept turning up to matches in suits instead of his playing kit. When he was told to change he would start kicking water bottles around and go all moody. Dalglish eventually straightened out this problem by repeatedly hoofing the gibbering Stan in the nuts on an almost daily basis. Dalglish stated at the time that he wasn't sure how effective this was but he enjoyed doing it so much that he wasn't going to stop.

Aston Villa[edit | edit source]

Eventually, Dalglish managed to offload the ludicrous Stan to Aston Villa and even managed to get back most of the £15,000 that he had paid to United. He was delighted although he still claims to have nightmares about him. As a joke many of his current team whisper the words "Stan" and "United" within earshot which casues Dalglish to panic and wet himself. It is believed that Dalglish is now largely incontinent and relies heavily on drink as a result of his time with the laughable Stan although it is understood that he does fondly remember all the nut kickings that he gave him.

The cringeworthy Stan's contributions to Villa didn't amount to more than a hill o' beans and he was quickly released from contract and subsequently bounced from club to club alienating nearly everyone he met.

International Duty[edit | edit source]

A wily Jack Charlton was quick to realise the strength of having such an uncharismatic freak as a player in his team. He figured that if you just had the dimwitted Stan on the field he would distract the opposing teams players and put them off. Unfortunately Jack didn't realise that he would also distract his own players and this culminated in the game against New Zealand where 21 of the 22 players on the field were literally bored to death by the tactics of the mind-numbing Stan. This was to be his last game.

The half-baked Stan was capped 102 times for Ireland and due to demands from his team-mates he is the only player to have been given his own team bus.

Management Career[edit | edit source]

It is his venture into the management of the Irish National Team that is the most controversial aspect to his career.

For reasons only understood by the FAI, they sacked manager Patrick Duffy and promised not to rush into the appointment of a new manager. Instead they opted to wait until they secured a "world class manager". The nation held its breath.

Laughably, after some months passed by they wheeled out the inept Stan as the new "world class manager". The nation gaped incredulously hoping that this was a big joke. The cretinous Stan had no experience of managing any football team. Ever. With one gob smackingly stupid decision the FAI had made the Irish people the laughing stock of the footballing world.

On the day of his appointment the git-like Stan stated "I'm the gaffer" almost as if he couldn't believe it himself. The nation were speechless.

None the less, the workshy, money-grabbing, ginger tit started making his preparations for the Euro 2008 qualifying matches. The incredibly unequipped Stan manager "managed" to lose to Chile in a friendly in a pitiful performance. Worse was to come.

On his 1st competitive away match against Cyprus the 100% talent free Stan headed over to Nicosia believing that it was going to be an easy game to win. As a result he didn't bother his ginger bollocks to prepare the team for the game. He fucked it up royally by conceding 5 fucking goals against a side that were painfully shit. The cock-featured Stan learned nothing from this and compounded his miserable failure by remaining in the job and reiterating that he's "the gaffer". Cyprus declared it to be national holiday.

He then completely ruined any chance of qualification by 2 more drawn games at home.

The disgraced Stan then then took the team to San Marino and in a display that any under 12 side would be ashamed of the team nearly drew the game only saving it by a goal well into injury time. The nauseating Stan then bleated on about being delighted by the "three points" even though it is the single worst performance ever put down by a national side.

Now he's gone, thank God.

Achievements[edit | edit source]

  • Was voted Ireland's sexiest ginger by Kiss magazine.
  • He managed to be the gaffer.
  • Mr Louth 1985 - Awarded by Louth County Council

Quotes[edit | edit source]

“You guys just get done pumping the neighbors's cat, or are you guys always that slack eyed and surly in the afternoon”

~ Steve Staunton on His Teammates

“I'm the Gaffer”

~ Steve Staunton on Politics

“Im the gaffer”

~ Steve Staunton on his sexuality

“I'm the Gaffer”

~ Steve Staunton on the opposition

“I'm the Gaffer”

~ Steve Staunton on 3rd World Debt

“I'm the Gaffer”

~ Steve Staunton on dating obscenely younger women

“I'm Not the Gaffer”

~ Steve Staunton on The Irish National Soccer Team