Sunderland AFC

Club logo

The Sunderland Association Football Club (SAFC), no longer known as the North-East Top Dogs, is a sports club based in North-East England (commonly known as Scumderland [pronounced Scum-der-land]). Scumderland AFC is supported by Spackems [pronounced Spac-ems] who are all fat bastards and regulars at Greggs and McDonalds. Because of there weight, the whole of Scumderland is re-enforced just so it doesn't collapse and sink the Earth's crust. There is one brain cell in the whole of Scumderland. It was given its name by the infamous Peter Reid, a.k.a. Monkeyheed [pronounced mun-kee-heeeed], in April 13th 1906 after the annual riot of Seaburn where 400 Mackem's faced off against 10 Geordies and managed to survive an impressive 3 minutes against the Geordie hoard [beating the previous record of 12 seconds, set in 1830]. The town changed its name from God's Toilet, (named by God, who is based in London) as the name became no longer relevant due to the fact that God (or any other deity for that matter) stopped visiting Sunderland because the plagues that was being carried by that cesspit of a city would have been fatal even to a God. To stop the tide of purity pouring from the great kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, fearing it would improve thier dismal town, the locals erected a 200ft, impregnable and impeneterable wall around the perimeter of the city. Consequently, the Geordies filled it with water... Then knocked it down a week later, because they couldn't go long without needing to laugh at and humiliate the Mackems.

History

Club flag

Sunderland AFC was founded by Mr Lard Arse, a fat, balding man from Washington who won Mr. Fat Bastard 18 years running,as he was the only one that entered the food eating contest. A severely depressed man with too many toes and many cats. William Hutchings is also famous for the takeover and regeneration of the popular bedding brand Slumberland, and is now in charge of a carpet shop in the North East of England, his most successful business venture to date. Although, trade in Scumderland is minimal as many of the locals prefer to live in the trees in which they were born. During WWII, the Luftwaffe had targetted Joker Park, when they arrived they saw the state of the city and thought someone had beaten them to it. Prior to playing at The Stadium of shite the red stripes played home games at Roker park (pronounced Jo-ka park) where there are reports of a devastating bomb exploding in 1984 resulting in approximately 5 billion quids worth of improvements to the area.

Stadium of Light

Stadium of shite is the correct name, it's the shittest stadium ever.

The Stadium of shite is well known for its shitty 'grass' which was genetically manufactured from Susan Boyle's pubic hair.

Roasting Video

In December 2006, SAFC funded a short independent film directed by Danny Boyle in which Sunderland footballers past and present demonstrated the correct way to cook a dog using the spit roasting method. Originally they intended to roast a cow but thought that roasting a dog would garner fans in China. The film starred Liam Lawrence, Ben Alnwick, Martin Woods, Chris Brown and Debbie McGee as their helpful assistant. Boyle attempted a brave mix of genres as he combined Master Chef and Match of the Day style commentary. Scenes included preparation (in which Debbie showed us how to blow on the meat, in order to keep it cool), the roasting scene (accompanied by Brown's commentary) and the final scene in which Debbie swallowed all the meat. The film was loved by critics everywhere for showing the elusive mating ritual of the lesser seen Mackem.

Gay Pride

The Gay Pride movement was originally started by AH from not606 and was later enforced on to the SAFC squad.

Managers

It is a well known fact that the village of sunderland is a hotbed for inbreeding (it is rumoured that the phrase "incest is best" originated from Scumderland) and this is reflected in their supporters who usually have an uneven number of fingers on each hand (this is assuming they have two hands due to the plague ravaged slums). Over the years the managers of sunderland have been a colourful breed with the likes of Peter Reid (The Over-Evolved Chimpanzee), Mick (I've got a sundial for a nose) Mcarthey, Roy "HE WANKS HIS DOG" Keane. Finally we come to the shock appointment of Steve Bruce who was born in the Newcastle area and was tipped to be their manager until it arose that in his ancestry his great great grandparents where actually brother and sister (even though this is aparent in his monstrous face that looks like a loaf of bread)meaning that he was the prime candidate for Sunderland. The next manager is hotly tipped to be El Hajdi Diouf who has become a cult hero for pulling a knife on Anton Ferdinand in training due to the aparent IQ suitability. There were also unconfirmed reports of The Troll from the Goonies accepting the job, until it arose that he would probably be targeted by both male and female Mackems for being the "Sexiest in Sunderland" and subsequently mated with brutally.

Support

Sunderland supporters are mostly known over England as monkey shites. When they beat their North East rivals Newcastle at home after 28 years they tried to get out of the Stadium of Shite (also known as monkey cage) but they sadly failed. Rumours are that after another 28 years they will be going for an bigger attempt of getting out of the cage. All 103 Sunderland supporters are high ranking members of thier football firm The Seaburn Casuals And live fiercely by their one and only song, "Along the rubbish tip to Newcastle", where they tell of a prophecy that one day they will be released from their living hell and drive their Nissan Micra's (small motor indigenous of the mackem species) up past the shining Angel of the North to paradise, the city 10 miles from thier awful home; Newcastle Upon Tyne. Religious experts find this unlikely to ever occur, as the sanctuary of Newcastle has a strict: No Human, No Entry policy. But, due to the unperdictability of Mackem minds, the Army have planted mines on the main thoroughfare between the two cities to quash any plans.

The Future

Sunderland has been identified for a revolutionary new programme testing drugs. This programme involves Mackems cleaning their city of the shit which they have accumulated and depositing it into a processor. As Mackems have to be resistant to diseases at a young age (due to the shithole in which they live), scientists theoried that they may have developed immunity to most ailments. Many of The Scum are excited (well, about as excited as a monkey can get) about this as they now have a legitimate purpose in life, as opposed to being the Shitheads of the Planet or the byword for scum. As of March 2011, owner of SAFC, Pelvis Short, answered the question about the future saying, "There is none for Sunderland AFC."

Current Squad

Does anybody know any players??
Darren Bent? (oh wait... no)
The entire Manchester United reserve squad from 2004. The fan favourite is Titus the Rapist.

• 1. 'Flash' Craig Gordon - A Scottish goalkeeper. Say's it all........
• 2. Phil Mitchell, sorry Bardsley - Twat, who at 25 can't grow any hair.
• 3. Kieran 'Manny Pacquiao' Richardsoon-to-quit-please Can play in 34843887932 different positions, though is shit in all of them. Known for his inspiring ponytails.
• 4. Michael Turnip
• 5. John 'The Rock' Mensah - Great at conceding penalty's and missing them.
• 6. Lee Clattermole - Has never lasted a game without being sent off. Also losing his hair at a young age.
• 7. Boudewjwijwjwjwjwienien 'Safety Dance' Zenden - Former Dancing superstar.
• 8. STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD Malbranque - Well known French paedophile, hwo has been raping 4 year olds for 10 decades. Suspected that he took up football just to get close to the kid fans.
• 9. Razer CAMP-bell-end - The only Darren Bent wannabe in the world.
• 10. Jordan Henderson - Fucked up his England debut. Due to this, he will have no international career with his option of playing for Faroe Isles gone.
• 11. Sully 'kitty' Munter - Looks like he is about to cry. Known for his role in The African Monsters Inc.
• 12. Mark-us down for a transfer request - NEVER PLAYED A GAME!!
• 15. Nedum Ohuona - Got the charisma of Susan Boyle's pussy.
• 16. Christian 'Protestant' River-in-Ayr-where-he-will-drown-himself - A protestant priest. Known to have some connections in the Catholic Church with Priests. Likes to have niht's of fun with them.
• 17. Fanny (sorry, couldn't resist) Well-bet that Sir Alex doesn't sell him - BLACK MAN! FAST BLACK MAN!

Unfortunately under the law of the United Kingdoms all players belonging to Sunderland are banned from being murdered or committing suicide many people believe this law should be overturned as 'lesser-animals have rights too'

  Your UnComprehensive Guide to the World of Football