Arsene Wenger

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Wenger, in a moment of pure fury
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“I didn't see him - ever”

“Rooney want eat Wenger now!!”

~ Wayne Rooney on Arsène Wenger

Arsène Wenger, OBE (French pronunciation: Arse Wanker; born 22 October 1949) is a French voyeur and paedophile best known for raping Patrick Viera and Sol Campbell therefore forcing them to leave his football team, Arsenal Wankers FC. During an interview, he claimed he raped them because they were black and supported the anti-paedophile website known as He is regarded as one of the world's most armed and dangerous paedos by the FBI, who believe he is currently masquerading as a football coach in England under the name "Arsene Wenger". The Bureau has listed his distinguishing features as acute myopia (blindness for the uniformed), an eyepatch, a hook, a wooden leg, grey skin and an aptitude for working with youths. Not to mention the fact that he's of Afro-Greenlandic origin. The FBI believes that if he is ever to smile, he will instantly and spontaneously self combust.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Arsene "I dont' know - I didn't see it" Wenger was born on the 22nd of October 1949. The precise location of his birth is in dispute as two renowned experts in the field have come to differing views on this matter. Gene Snitsky, historian & part-time professional wrestler claims that Arsene Wenger was born in Ghduogofhuho Bay, Greenland, a claim bolstered by Wenger's Afro-Greenlandic origins & the large concentration of pirates in this area. Oscar Wilde on the other hand insists that Arsene Wenger was born on the Moon. As of August 2012, this matter has yet to be resolved.

Little else is known about Arsene Wenger's early life. The identity of his parents remains a mystery apart from the fact that he is of Afro-Greenlandic origin. Even his last name is not his own. His name, roughly translated from an Inuit dialect, means anal masturbator, a claim Wenger himself furiously denies claiming instead that it is French for 'wing it in Arsenal'. Arsene Wenger remained in relative obscurity working as a part-time basket weaver & radio DJ before he got his first big break, an offer to become a pirate on the Black Pearl.

Many sea-faring adventures brought much fame and glory to Arsene Wenger (despite being only a toilet cleaner). However his many exploits cost him an arm, a leg, his right eye and most of his pubic hair. Nevertheless Wenger put all of this aside and set forth on his greatest endeavor yet, Arsenal.

Wenger & Arsenal[edit | edit source]

The turning point of Wenger's career came when the crew of the Black Pearl set forth on their greatest endeavour yet, a daring raid on the Iraqi Imperial Palace to steal Edvard Munch's famous painting, the Thierry Henry. Wenger deviously betrayed his crewmates and stole the Thierry Henry for himself. However his hand was bitten off by Saddam Hussein himself during a 5 hour Hardcore Match which Wenger won after the involvement of an army of Inuit midgets (hired by Wenger himself for this purpose alone).

With the Thierry Henry procured, Wenger set off on a life-raft to Lake Titicaca where he intended to live happily ever after with his painting. However a tornado lifted him up & dumped him in England again. With no money in his pockets and his life raft completely ruined, Wenger had no choice but to set up shop where he landed and founded Arsenal, named after himself of course. Arsenal originally served as a museum to house the Thierry Henry which basically scared the living shit out of anyone who saw it, only for Wenger to promptly fine all culprits for soiling the place. This plan, however, came to an end after Oscar Wilde saw the Thierry Henry, and promptly released a devastating wet fart, the largest recorded in known history. The 4000 billionton explosion of gas and sloppy poo wiped out 95% of the known & unknown Universe, whilst also destroying whatever remained of Wenger's pubic hair.

Hurt but undaunted, Wenger came back and founded the second Arsenal, which is in its present form today. Together with Henry, Wenger has made Arsenal a massive club with an annual turnover of 28 pence (44 cents to any confused Americans out there).

It is claimed that Wenger's inability to produce a strong side since 2005 is perhaps not completely accidental and is, in fact, all down to an elaborate bet with his fierce rival, Alex Ferguson.

Crimes[edit | edit source]

Wenger was a suspect for the Metropolitan Police for burning down the now cremated Cutty Sark

  • Wenger was famously a suspect for burning down the Cutty Sark at port in London. Shortly after the event he was arrested from his North London home and spent the night in the police station, meaning he missed Arsenal's vital game against Chelsea the next morning. Metropolitan Police strenuously deny it isn't a misunderstanding between "Arsene" and "Arson". However, many believe this is the case since the Metropolitan Police are so "bull shite at their jobs". Wenger was soon released from custody, before going on to call the force "liars" and "down right fookin bitches the lot". Evidence was later unearthed to suggest that Chelsea owner and Russian gangster, Roman Abramovich had paid someone to frame Wenger for the crime. The information came from a Mr Dwayne Bradfield, who sadly died from radiation poisoning before the case could be brought to the court. Wenger himself refuses to talk about the episode.

  • He was chucked out of the premiere of Free Willy 9, as the cinema staff caught him smuggling in a bag of Skips and Gummi Bears as he didn't buy any of the food at their own canteen.

  • He was also thrown out of the premiere of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels for shouting instructions at the characters everytime Vinnie Jones was on screen. A similar thing happened at the premiere of Elizabeth, every time Eric Cantona entered.

  • Wenger was arrested following a fight with former caretaker come Chelsea manager Avram Grant. It is claimed Avram refused to address Wenger by his new name, by insisting on calling him John Paul Smith. It is not known whether this was due to Avram's low IQ or because the Israeli deliberately intended to annoy Wenger (Smith). The incident inspired the Ting Tings number one hit, "That's Not My Name".

  • Wenger was in trouble after suspicions of his paedophilic activities were raised by an increasingly large group of football fans. Ironically enough, one of the first groups to catch on to Wenger's lifestyle were fans of Manchester Red Sox Ltd., despite Red Sox fans being dubbed as "mentally stunted" and "sharing the physical traits of a camel" by the club's majority stakeholder, Malcolm Glazer. Red Sox fans are believed to have uncovered Wenger's dark secrets after noticing a questionable number of petrified children being led into the complex of Arsenal's training ground, London Colney. Apparently these children had all been produced by a Japanese teenage mother who had reportedly had a "fling" with Wenger during his managerial spell at Nagoya Grampus Eight.

  • Another example of Wenger's relentless need for the body of a young boy was when he kidnapped a young Spanish boy named Cesc from his Barcelona home when he was just 16 months old. Cesc was recently rescued by his family (in cooperation with FC Barcelona) during an audacious foray of Arsenal's territory, the Emirates Stadium. Although details are sketchy, it is believed that during the raid, the family of Fabregas and Barcelona President Sandro Rosell had a stand-off with Wenger, in which the Frenchman demanded a £35 million ransom fee, or else he would molest Fabregas on the spot. Despite initial reluctance, Rosell finally agreed to pay the ransom, allowing Cesc to return home to Barcelona.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • If Wenger ever smiles, I will hump a Labrador, vigorously.
  • Wenger was originally called 'John Paul Smith'. He changed his named to Arsene Wenger, French for 'Wing it in Arsenal' on his fifth anniversary at the club, not only to show his love and support but also to avoid the wrath of the student loans company that claimed he owed them around 50,000 Francs (£54.)
  • Wenger was the first to spot the talent of Robinho, who currently plays at AC Milan. At the time, Robinho, was a pimp playing in an annual football match between rival gangs, but at 11 years of age, Wenger decided he was far too old.
  • However, his nickname for ex-Tottenham manager Martin Jol is "The Fat Cuntroller". Spurs are now managed by Juande 'Isn't The Best Spanish Manager In The League, That Goes To Benitez' Ramos. Infact, he was so shit they decided to get 'Me Old Mucker' or Harry Redknapp as everyone knows him.
  • Wenger is now banned from all major cinemas, especially premieres, and films starring old footballers.
  • L'Arsenal versus Spurs, once thought of as the North London derby, is now another chapter in a long-standing Anglo-French rivalry. Wenger deserves great credit for this.
  • Famously made a special lasagne for the Tottenham team, with disastrous results (see 'Wenger's Chef Credentials' below).
  • Arsene Wenger had pretended that Thierry Henry was injured (april 2007) to avoid him going on international duty played in August 2006. It is not known whether or Henry was in on it himself.
  • Allegedly, Wenger promises to piss on Jose Mourinho's grave once the Portugese bastard is stoned to death.
  • During the 2007 Arsenal vs Chelsea game, Wenger covered himself in Lynx after hearing that Chelsea caretaker come manager Avram Grant was allergic to the stuff. Grant, who claims it brings out boils on his back and face could be seen coughing and spluttering and scratching his balls throughout the match. The Chelsea players, notorious benders, were turned on by Grant and gang banged him in the dressing room.

Wengers Chef Credentials[edit | edit source]

Spur's new chef.

Arsene is a very good chef, in case you didn't know. He set up his own restaurant in North London calling it "Le Martina Jol's Testicle Head", in a direct offense to ex-Spurs manager Martin Jol. However, his career as a chef wasn't without it's conspiracies, as Tottenham fans would recall. Picture the scene, Arsenal and Spurs are fighting it out for the final Champions League place on the final day of the season. Only one out of these two fierce rivals will get through. What do you do? Well, the most popular theory is to get Arsenal's manager Wenger to cook up the Spurs players a "treat". Wenger, allegedly, under cooked his lasagne and gave it to the Spurs players the night before kick off. The next morning, Spurs boss Martin Jol woke to find shit and diarrhoea smeared everywhere in the Spurs hotel room. As expected, the stricken Tottenham players were so ill they shat out and lost their game, handing the final Champions League place to Arsenal, leaving Martin Jol to complain to the FA Premier League, but his appeal failed and he quit Tottenham. This is just a theory.

Bout of Downs Syndrome[edit | edit source]

Anal probing anyone?

Recently, after having lost the English Premier League Shotgun Challenge the 1 billionth time to his long time rival, Professor Emeritus Dr. Sir. Alex "Chuck" Ferguson the III Esq, Arsene Wenger was found to have slipped into a state of mental retardation similar to Downs Syndrome. He was found naked in an abandoned church, rolling around in his own faeces repeatedly shouting the word "France". Wenger was swiftly entrusted to Sir Alex, who agreed to take the Arsenal manager into his loving care. Sir Alex has mentioned that every cure known (and unknown) to mankind would be used to bring Wenger back to his sense, including rectal probing and injecting with a potion which would give him anal haemorrhoids. He was later found in Old Trafford Stadium, With his hands out at his side, stood infront of many Manchester Red Sox Ltd. fans, thinking he was Jesus and they were his many followers. Shortly after he stripped naked and raped Sol Campbell whilst shouting "France" repeatedly. He was then taken to a mental institute co-owned by Charles Manson, Marylin Manson and Manson Von-Needle Dick.