“Oi Zinedine, you bald twat! Come headbutt me!”
“Whoosh! Whoosh! I'm Superman!!! *THUMP* Whoops... ...er... Oh Marco! You slipped on your laces!”
“"Who needs Zidane when we have Tim Sherwood?"”
“Try falling from a wall”
Zinedine Yazid Zidane (Arabic: Zinedine al-Zin ad-Din al-Yazid al-Zin al-Zinzin Zid an-Nazid al-Zidane[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]) is the world's greatest happy slapper and was a former French international headbutter. He has been tried and convicted for raping the entire Brazilian National Team in the 1998 FIFA World Cup Final.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Zidane, was born in the Algerian town of Zidaville, in a family of immigrant French parents. During his childhood he attended St. Hubbin's Academy, a prestigious school where they did everything in alphabetical order. On pizza day or Sloppy Joe day in the cafeteria Ziad Al Zachary would get the last breadtangle and Zinedine would have to eat yesterday's egg salad or peanut butter on white bread. This taught him to hate everyone with names beginning with A through Y. And also peanut butter. Because it's rubbish.
Since he was a child he wanted to play football, but replaced this when he decided he wanted to be the best martial artist the world has ever seen, seeing Bruce Lee as a "rapscallion". He studied under the belt of an old martial artist known as Headbutts McGee (Daniel). From Headbutts he learned his signature move, the "Turbo Plus". In his hometown of Zidaville, many dents shaped like the top of a human skull were found on buildings, and dead people in the local morgue. The hospital even had a term for incoming patients afflicted with these strange injuries, a "Zidane". Rumors circled that through years of training in the skills of headbutting, he slowly lost his hair as a result. He is a renowned badass.
Ball Control[edit | edit source]
Zidane is known to control a ball launched towards him at 230 miles/hour with amazing ease and confidence and can also make defenders crack. He is also in the Vimto Book of World Records for completing the amazing task of 217 hours of nonstop keepy-ups with his bum. He took tango class too to perfect his 360-degree turn while dragging the ball and caressing it with the sole of his feet which is considered sacred to him while munching on a lovely spicy chicken kebab.
Fifa World Cup '98 Vs Brazil[edit | edit source]
Zidane dribbled past all the Brazilians, or as they are known samba footballers, during the 90 minutes of the game. He made the entire Brazil team look like amateurs and 'inferior' beings, almost like poultry e.g. Turkey. Ronaldinho was so embarrassed by Zidane that contemplated retiring from the Brazil team. Also Robinho hugged Zidane at the end of the game showing him the right kind of Brazilian respect. And also displayed ambiguous emotion which many could consider affection, bringing the matter of homosexuality to the fore. Italians flop.
World Cup 2006[edit | edit source]
By widespread critical consensus, the finest moment in Zidane's career was his sublime headbutt to the chest of Italian player Marco "Giggsy" Materazzi in the final of the 2006 World Cup thus knocking him down onto his arse.
The match took place in Berlin on 9 July 2006. The first 90 minutes saw the French take the lead with Zidane scoring a goal from a penalty kick Zidane's unconventional penalty-taking style entailed aiming the ball at the crossbar of the goal at the opposite end of the pitch, causing it to bounce back all the way into the Italian goal. The lead did not last long, however, the equalizer coming from a spectacular wing-ding ratatouille from Italian left-centre-back half-quarter-back line-back Bambino "Giggsy" Bambini. In the opening minutes of the second half of extra time, after an incident involving shirt-pulling, Materazzi tweaked Zidane's left nipple, slipped a €20 note into his waistband and gently kissed the back of his neck.
Due to excessive camera motion, the lip-readers were unable to determine exactly what was said after this, but it later transpired that Materazzi had said to Zidane, "You French pansy, you couldn't even knock me over if you charged at my chest with your magnificent, shiny, bald head. P.S. Ooh stick you, your mama too... and your daddy! And your sister." Naturally, Zidane, being a scientifically-minded man, took it upon himself to test this hypothesis empirically and charged at Materazzi like a stag shouting "comayamaya". This was forever known as the decisive Zidane, or to be etymologically correct, the "Turbo zomglykujustheadbuttedme 8000 plus plus Materazzi Berlinstadion special edition" (or just UltiZidane). Having completed the experiment and being satisfied that he had disproved his fellow sportsman's spurious assertion, Zidane went to record his findings in his lab book, with the intention of continuing the match immediately afterwards. However, he was surprised to find himself approached by a lunatic pitch invader brandishing what appeared to be a bright red, card-shaped weapon of some sort. Fearing for his own safety, Zidane fled the pitch at once, foreshortening his footballing career by around ten or twenty minutes but forever to be remembered for the finest header seen on the world stage.
Pwn Monthly has declared this the greatest Pwning since records began. Which was last week.
Many footballing pundits have said that this is THE greatest end to any career of any profession in the history of Career Ending. Headbutting an Italian. Period.
Zidane was also a pretty good footballer, but nobody really cared about that.
Neo Zidane[edit | edit source]
The time-space tear created by the kinetic energy released from the UltiZidane was enough to create a new Zidane in a parallel universe, the URL of the universe is mww.uncyclopedia.wikia.com (multiverse site). Neo Zidane learned the intricacies of Headbutting from Zidane at an early age while training on Marco Materazzi posters, which may explain the increasing heap of torn and bloody posters of said Italian football player outside Junction 11 on the M25.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- After his high-profile performance in the 1998 World Cup, Zidane inspired a short-lived worldwide "monk" hairstyle trend. Men, women, children and even platypi sported the monk look in tribute to the Frenchman's peculiar tonsorial styling.
- During his last season at Real Madrid, Zidane would frequently produce a pair of garden shears and occupy himself with trimming the grass when bored with the game.
- Contrary to a popular urban legend, Zidane is sponsored by Adidas, not AIDS.
- His ultimate desperation move is the Zidouken (<-(charge 2 seconds) then -> + press X)
- Prior to the world Cup, he regularly went to weekly boxing sessions with Frank Bruno.
- Like how M. Bison in Street Fighter games is actually Adolf Hitler, Kano is an alternate version of Zidane from the Mortal Kombat series.
- You can see that Zidane saved Materazzi's life. This was a elite cat trying to kill him, because was discovered that Materazzi is involved with the kitten huffing.
- You can also see that Zidane is, as popularly thought, the creator of the universe. Zidane is the cause of the Big Bang. He Headbutted the Death Star - (origin of all matter) to cause it to asplode and create the universe we live in. Zidane is therefore a God.
- Zidane was 16 when he first played seeker for Ravenclaw.
- Renowned for being the first footballer ever.
- Zidane is the first known footballer to kick the football hard enough to break the sound barrier.
- Zidane nutmegged Roy Keane and got away with it.
False Rumours[edit | edit source]
- Zinedine Zidane does NOT star in a TV show called Beavis and Headbutt (that should be Butthead anyway).
- Zinedine Zidane was NOT named after a demented bee.
- Zinedine Zidane's mum is NOT a slag.
- Zinedine Zidane's head is NOT up his own butt.
- Zinedine Zidane does NOT collect the heads of cigarette butts.
- Zinedine Zidane does NOT plan to head butt John McCain.
- Zinedine Zidane was NOT in a mosh pit when Materazzi strayed too close.
- Zinedine Zidane was giving Materazzi head.
- Zinedine Zidane is NOT big headed, and hence has certainly NOT grown through his hair
- When asked on a media press conference about his headbutting he said, "Do you now realize why I'm bald?"
- In contrast to his initials, he is not always asleep.
Now we know what was said!
See Also[edit | edit source]
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