Care Bears

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Tenderheart Bear in a rare press appearance explaining both the glory and tragedy of his story.

The Care Bears are a para-military organisation that has a fanatical devotion to the concept of "everybody happy". Led by Tenderheart, they were the true icon of American warm-fuzzies for most of the 1980's, until excess and depravity forced them down from their lofty pedestals. They also work for the Nazis.

The history of the Carebears[edit | edit source]

Although long and varied, the history of the Carebears is well known to many Americans. The rise from little known greeting card company escapees, to the exploits of an almost heroically tragic commando unit, are well documented.

Genesis[edit | edit source]

In 1982 an unknown dirigible employee became known as a dastardly villain with the name of Professor Coldheart

Coldheart's Florida mug shot.

when he devised a plan to take over the Earth by releasing mind altering toxins into the atmosphere. These toxins reportedly cooled the human capacity for compassion, caring and love. Coldheart's original plan called for him to release the ozone depleting mixture of emotional flavonoids and frozen Frescan crystals into strategically located nimbus clouds as a clever widespread delivery system.

Of his many human test subjects one named Kevin turned out to be the key to his undoing. Kevin previously had a personal relationship with a cloud dweller known as Tenderheart Bear and when apathy prevailed as the test subjects learned of mankind's doom, Kevin rushed to his former friend to spill the beans.

Although Tenderheart was unsuccessful at first by using internet blogs and protests with signs to combat Coldheart (who falsely reached out in 'friendship', ostensibly seeking the help of other humans to obtain chemicals and minerals needed to aid the ailing world) he was able to build an international resistance underground grass roots team force that supplied the truth-piercing ammunition, plus other effective weapons for the war, which revealed Coldheart's goal to harden people's hearts and let sorrow reign over the poor and tired masses.

Sadly, Kevin was missing in action during the operation.

Designer Drug bear was most popular during the late 80's.

His hope fading as his young companion was taken and being experimented on, Tenderheart gathered a number of his faithful followers and formed a vigilante group.[1] He urged the Carebear Team to come on a mission with him to teach people how to feel and express emotions. At first his efforts seemed doomed to failure, however with the advent of designer drugs he soon found that people expressed their love in many new and interesting ways. He eventually saved the boy Kevin from captivity. Sadly, due to the tremendous Stockholm syndrome Kevin suffered, his feelings for Tenderheart's tender ways had faded, and their relationship took a nasty turn.[2]

However as the War On Drugs failed the American public warmed to this vigilante crew, and started to teach their children to emulate their efforts. Models of the team, often made out of synthetic materials and stuffed with polymer cottons in Chinese sweatshops, were popular and sold to the point that retailers could barely keep up with demand. People often sent cards with images of the heroes to each other to celebrate major events in their lives. Many a child went home at the end of their Bah Mitzvah with an image of one of their heroes to watch over them as they slept. Valentines Day cards with the images sparked not a few instances of young lovers bearing it all.

A temporary decline[edit | edit source]

Darebear rides down one of the Professor's henchmen.

As time went on the popularity began to wane. However in 1984 Professor Frostbite came into prominence, and in a bizarre twist of fate, planned to do exactly the same thing as Professor Coldheart had before. Again Tenderheart rallied the troops, but this time with a vengeance. Many of the battles that took place were chronicled in animated propaganda during this time; one earning a daytime Emmy. Once the crew had captured the Professor, Tenderheart became uncharacteristically insane with rage and started to desperately attack the suspect. It took the combined efforts of the remaining bears to remove him from the field of battle. Professor Frostbite, who was numb and blue, beaten near to death, fled the scene while a barely restrained Tenderheart screamed his plans for revenge. (The Professor was never heard from again and is suspected of hiding in Canada to this day.)

Although many Carebears have had a full recovery from drugs, religion, and internet porn, there have been some casualties.

Robbed of his chance for blood revenge, Tenderheart lost his tender edge and started to train his troops in an increasingly militaristic style. In the Autumn of 1985 the bears changed their business focus from an on call agency to that of an altruistic problem solver for hire. They achieved much success ambling from one vigilante mission to another, always working for the highest bidder, with each mission lasting for a 30 minute period only. As a crack commando unit they happily continued until they were falsely accused of a misdeed and were sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. The bears promptly escaped from the maximum security stockade in a puff of cloud-like smoke to the Los Angeles underground. Today exonerated, they still survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can still hire the Carebears.

Yet Tenderheart never felt fully satisfied with the results that they had been achieving, and slipped into an ever decreasing downward spiral, taking to more and more self medicated extremes to cope with his deep feelings of loss and abandonment. Turning his back on his previous team, Tenderheart recruited a newer, leaner, tougher and more dedicated team of "cousins". Preaching to them in an almost evangelistic fashion he called them his "new generation". It was this team he sent on a mission to liberate Wonderland from the Despotic rule of Dark Heart.

Gone to Heaven Bear.
25 short years: 1984-2009.

Although in militaristic terms this was a success, the high cost of lives due to the usage of the controversial "Care Bear Stare", coupled with the start of a worldwide recession caused by the reparations, meant that the care bears were no longer the icons of charity and moral strength that they once were. Over time they drifted their separate ways, and many took on their own careers. However, scarred by their adventures, very few could ever settle down to a normal life again. To this day they still wait upon Tenderheart's call to arms, both dreading the day that it will come, yet knowing they will be unable to resist the lure of this kind tyrant.

Carebear Stare[edit | edit source]

The Carebear Stare is a feat only available to those who are (or once were) Carebear commandos. These magical bears are able to shoot a beam of light so hot it can burn through walls and melt metal. The technology behind this is an extremely closely guarded secret, but even without knowing the technology behind it, the United Nations have officially declared it a Weapon of Mass Destruction. It is thought to have been the technology that Saddam Hussein was trying to emulate prior to the United Nations Task Force incursion into Iraq.

Rumour states that the Carebear Stare also can be used to see through any substance excepting lead, gold and laminate-tile surfaces. Although this is yet to be demonstrated in a scientific study, Carebears do tend to spend a lot of their time staring at people and laughing.

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  1. Known as the C Team
  2. the nature of this relationship has never been fully explained, there are some photos circulating the internet that show Tenderheart in bed with the young lad at a reported sleep over. Due to non-disclosure pressure, however, these can not be reprinted here as they are part of an ongoing legal dispute, and Tenderheart has refused to comment, however his lawyers have assured the public that they are faked.

The Original Carebear Team[edit | edit source]

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Tenderheart Bear[edit | edit source]

T-Bear was the leader of this rag-tag group of bears. He is sometimes brown, but blue at other times. He generally manages to avoid being blue with a little help from his friends (notably, Love-a-lot Bear). He rules with an iron fist and pities the fool who is not caring and loving.

  • Tenderheart has a permanent matching rash from Love-a-Lot Bear on his belly.
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Grumpy Bear[edit | edit source]

Is Grumpy all the damn time! primarily due to the loss of feeling in his appendages from one too many concussions suffered in the line of duty. Originally the smallest of the crew, he had a deeper voice when younger, but as he became more buff his voice went up in pitch. Prescribed by his doctor, Grumpy Bear is on anti-rage medication.

  • He is blue (oh so blue) and has a cloud tattooed on his chest to mirror his inner pain(s).
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Wish Bear[edit | edit source]

Makes wishes come true. If you have a wish you say it to her, and believe in it with all your might, it will come true. R. Kelly made a wish and was able to fly, thus the genesis of the phrase, "I believe; I can fly." Sometimes the wishes; they don't come true. If the wish doesn't come true it's not her fault, it's yours for not believing in yourself enough. If you had faith of at least the size of a mustard seed then your wish would come true. That's right, no wishes for you, you filthy unbeliever.

  • With a blue-green background her symbol is that of a shooting star falling from a golden shower.
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Bedtime Bear[edit | edit source]

Gives kids all over the second world the equality that they need and deserve by providing them with waking nightmares of giant sickle shaped boomerangs flying for them to chase down. The children fear that if they fail to capture the sickles of doom they will be immediately devoured by capitalism. Children often run until they tire out.

  • The symbol on bedtime bear's belly is a crescent moon crossed by a hammer.
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Good Luck Bear[edit | edit source]

Wants everyone to have improved luck, but is banned from the game tables in Reno, Vegas and Monte Carlo. He has an ever changing accent and prefers his martinis shaken and not stirred. Receives royalties from cigarettes, jeans and Paris Hilton. Also has a grass van, luckily, he's never been arrested for possession.

  • Has a disguised dope leaf on his stomach.
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Funshine Bear[edit | edit source]

Loves to play practical jokes all-the-time! Funshine bear has been featured on the show Punked! several times. FB and Ashton had a falling out after a non-disclosed prank Funshine pulled on Ash. Although no details are known, Funshine has now changed sexual identity and is legally considered male. Funshine likes anything that ends in shine; especially moonshine and lip gloss.

  • Androgynous splotchy-yellow softly caresses Funshine's stomach.
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Birthday Bear[edit | edit source]

All this bear ever wants is to have everyone cavort in their birthday suit. For every person he convinces to do this he receives 10 Lifetime Happiness tickets. He is saving up for the Malibu Mansion in the glass case, displayed for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tickets.

  • On his tummy is the image of a cupcake with a vibrator sticking out of it.
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Friend Bear[edit | edit source]

Wants everyone to be her friend. Failing that she wants someone to be her friend. Failing that she wants anyone to be her friend. Failing that she will befriend inanimate objects... Please be her friend, or else she will have to consult her therapist for further help with social interactions.

  • The yellow "rose" of friendship is prominently displayed on her tumm-tum. Note: bears cannot distinguish between types of flowers.
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Cheer Bear[edit | edit source]

Is a very joyful and perky bear who wants everyone to be happy. She does this by selling large quantities of "happiness powder" to the other bears. She also has appeared in her very own late night feature film with a "female friend" showcasing her own line of cheerful toys.

  • She is pink and has the international symbol for homosexual pride tattooed on her tummy.
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Love-a-Lot Bear[edit | edit source]

Love-a-lot spreads love everywhere she goes, along with whatever else she has to spread. She is also perky and happy. Love-a-lot bear is very popular, especially with immature frat-boys looking for the 'real thing'.

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Carebear Habitat[edit | edit source]

Clouds[edit | edit source]

It's a celebration!
A series of greeting cards are what started the whole phenomenon.

Most of the Carebears that exist today still live up in the clouds for lack of any other safe, comfortable habitat. (Also the clouds make for fantastically tasty marshmallows.) Clouds are the traditional home of the bears since they escaped the Indonesian slave-labor camps that forced them to toil endlessly to create "cute" phrases for greeting card companies back in the late seventies. The psychological effects of which can still be found in their speech patterns today.

Sadly though, we know that their cloud city natural resources will be depleted by the year 2222, due to the intense amount of heat radiating from the Sun. Ironically global cooling may have prevented this.

Woods, Hills and Dales[edit | edit source]

Found in the wild these carefully collected Carebear poos have been categorized from the most to the least dangerous bear.
EconoBear finds the waste of public land to be offensive.

These wilder uncarebears are considered to be the most dangerous of all. Several reports of bear attacks have been reported although most victims claim only the loss of dignity. A fringe group of Carebears known for their stanch environmentalism have only recently be highlighted in the news. Those found in the woods have been especially prolific in their recent activities, however a public apology expressing sorrow and dismay has been released.

Theme Parks[edit | edit source]

Ironically, some dress up as cartoon characters in plush suits to make a good living in theme parks all across the world.

See Also[edit | edit source]