Pompeii F.C.
Pompeii F.C. | ||
| Nickname | SKATES | |
| Stadium capacity | 20 thousand people 3 dogs an a rabbit | |
| Average attendance | 10 thousand | |
| Average I.Q. of fan | 25 more then scums 0 | |
| Manager | Baldy Apples | |
| Stadium name | Flattened Park | |
| Best player | Gianluigi Buffon | |
| Best league position | 1st much higher then scums last | |
| Rivals | rubbish scum | |
| Mascot | TY Beanie Baby | |
Pompeii F.C. are a "football" team from the lost city of Pompeii. Due to geographical confusion, they play in the Premiership, a football league in a country some 3,000 pizza delivery miles from Italy.
Club History[edit | edit source]
Founded as Pompeii F.C. , the club had enjoyed success during the Roman Empire. One of its earlier star players had been the Roman General Pompey the Great - and his family followed this tradition by becoming keen supporters of the 'Pumice Ash boys' as they were called in those days as Pompeii played in grey to confuse the opposition teams.
In 79 A.D. Pompeii F.C. lost their football ground, supporters, home city and pretty much everyone else when the volcano Vesuvius blew its top like a player disputing a penalty decision . Only a few of the original team survived including Petrus Pompey Crouch who was away at the time on tour as part of a circus act. Petrus who claimed he was a 'scion' of the Pompey family asked U.E.F.A if he could take the team to Britannia to play over there against assorted local 'crap celtic' teams . U.E.F.A agreed and Pompeii - or 'Pompey F.C.' moved to the south coast of Britannia and constructed a new stadium made out of recycled shopping trolleys.
Pompeii/Pompey Today[edit | edit source]
We will have to skip the next 2,000 years as all the football club's records were lost in the Great Fire of Portsmouth in 1940. The team did consider moving back to Italy in the 19th century when archeologists started to dig up the old site. They even found fans in the old stadium still sitting on their seats with a bag of chips in one hand painted in blue wode and bell in the other. But Pompey decided it was still dangerous to play there and so stayed in England.
The club joined the influential Hampshire League but accidently entered their names in the women's netball competition that year. Obliged to play their fixtures to avoid a huge fine, Portsmouth gained the reputation of their handling of the ball in all parts of the pitch. By now Pompey had decided to move to a new ground at Flatton Park.
In 2008 Pompey reached the final of the FA cup final, an achievement which they shall most probably never come anywhere close to ever again.(lol at the mug who put this. Time to delete it?) Despite hostility from their hated local rivals Southampton F.C. - or as they are locally known - 'Them scummers from that shit hole down the road' , the Portsmouth team were victorious under the command of Boy George whose pungent underpants won the day and kept anyone getting too close to score a goal. So when their captain Andi Peters picked up the cup - Pompey's fans touched each other sensuously , felt sick and threw up as they sang "I've got piles. oh baby does it show, when I sit down, that I've got piles'.
This meant Southampton fans got beaten up once again, deservedly, as it meant Rupert "I Love Cricket and wank over pics of Clive" Lowes, Ate the Duck and burped to the tune of 'Play up Pompey' proving once and for all that his g-string is far to small for his over sized Man Shape.
Pompeiis funeral is scheduled for the summer of 2010 making way for the return of OldCastle Ashleys, a team of neverwillbes wearing cheap imported substandard leisurewear, smartly presented as a bar code.
Club Crest[edit | edit source]
The club crest consists of a bile and gold shield shape, and a one-eyed smiley face. This could be a link to Pompeii's pirating connections, although more generally it is considered to be a lesson for the citizens of this fine city about the dangers of inbreeding, and the mutations which they see in the village of Southampton, however the rate of mutations is considerably less than the hamlet of Portsmouth, the spinnaker tower is thought to be modeled on a classical Portsmouth weapon of choice, the shank.
It was famously re-designed in 2008 by a 4 year old, who had a severe case of blindness, deafness and couldn't say a word. He has become portsmouths all time leading scorer with 4 goals that's a total of 4 yes 4. 3 of them happened to be own goals
Portsmouth have also had many different crests even once changing gold to White as it was cheaper and didn't weigh the players down.
Rivals[edit | edit source]
It is well known fact that there are only two teams in Hampshire, namely portsmouth and The Super Saints.
Portsmouth's main rivals are the neighbouring city of Southampton . Their club is universally celebrated for being a team on "the up" as they march out of "The Championship" into the league that everyone hates. There are rumours that Southampton F.C. will decline to take a place in the Premier League as a peace offering to portsmouth who would clearly not be able to accept the return to normality would once and for all cause Portsea Island to sink without trace.
The rivalry reaches it's peak when the Portsmouth firm 507, i mean 302, i mean 854 or something.... crew become enraged after the smell of a 'non-fishy' substance enters there city, in fact they are not able to find any rival fans, it has become general knowledge for Portsmouth fans to pick fights with telephone poles or post boxes, only to later claim they knocked them out.
in a one on one basis Portsmouth seem to have the edge on and off the pitch with players suffering mutations leaving them with extra limbs, Southampton often still win however due to natural skill. It is thought that the local rubbish tip, i mean the city center is to blame for the radiation.
Current Squad[edit | edit source]
The current squad is on a rotation basis, they select the finest choice of talent from the Portsmouth homeless near the ground. Notably future skate calendar boy of the year Husslekleep is their only signed player who receives a weekly wage of 3 skates, 2 shillings and a spanking.
Any intelligent player who ends up playing for Portsmouth is often burned at the stake for fear of them being a witch/wizard.
