Harry Redknapp

Arise Sir Harry..?

“'Lor' luv a duck! I'm the king, Know what I mean?”

~ Innit 'Arry

“Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good.”

~ HaHarry

“I will now spend a short period of time to rest, recharge my batteries before contemplating my future.”

~ Pompey 'Arry

“Jermain Defoe: He's cocky and arrogant but show him a goal and he's away, like a wind-up toy..”

~ The guvner

Harry Houdini Redknapp (b 1947), 'Arry Up, Public enemy number 1, the rumble in norf london and trouble in the toilet, but usually referred to as the guvner is an ex-eastenders star, now acting as the dictator in charge of non-gooner North London United. The old man's managed (read "sponged off") a right load of terrible football clubs, and was responsible introducing Croatian war criminals into the Premier League, under the disguise of being players. He is probably best known for managing Portsmouth, then moving to their arch-rivals Southampton, only to do a completely unexpected U-turn (read "entirely predictable U-turn" because money was involved) and return to Portsmouth. While in his second spell at Portsmouth, he managed the side to win the FA Cup 2007-08 in what is described by many as probably the worst FA Cup final in living memory. This was his first and probably only major trophy as a player or manager, unless you count his Nobel Prize for being a greedy bastard. He also goes by the nickname 'bell end'.

Redknapp's insufferable and eternally injured pundit of a son, Jamie Redknapp, played under him at A.F.C. Bournemouth|and at Southampton. Redknapp junior is married to ex-MTV eye candy singer Louise. Redknapp senior is also uncle to Chelsea F.C. player "Fat" Frank Lampard, who played under him (although how far "under" is the subject of much debate) at West Ham United F.C.

Early life

A flush-faced Harry was born in London at a very early age. A love of tomato sauce with his eggy soldiers, along with several nasty bouts of "runny Bottom", saw him adopt the name of Red Nappy, which he then shortened in his teen years to avoid confusion with a horseracing syndicate. With his bedroom window within earshot of the football chants of Tottenham Hotspur, young Aitch grew to loathe the songs of Chas and Dave. In a recent interview, Harry revealed to a smug-faced Peers Morgan that the Labour education system in the 1950s left him unable to read, write, string a coherent sentence together, correctly pronounce words beginning with an "H", or handle money of a lower denomination than £50, particularly if it wasn't off shore and the property of a canine. With career prospects poor or none, Redknapp decided that armed robbery was for him and so began a career as a professional football manager.

Playing career

Redknapp's playing career began at West Ham United F.C. After coming through the youth ranks as a whinger at Upton Park], he signed exceptionally lucrative professional terms as a 17-year-old in 1964 and went on to make 149 top flight appearances, scoring eight goals, and off-loading his grandmother to some agent for a few thaaasand bob.

In 1972, he transferred to A.F.C. Bournemouth , where he spent four years, diligently counting his money. He then claimed to be entitled to a testimonial pay-off, despite only playing once for Brentford F.C. in 1976 in a Division 4 game against Aldershot F.C. (who since went bust).

Management and coaching career

Seattle Sounders

Nope, me neither ! Went bust though. Deserved that with a team name like that.

Bournemouth

A young Arry.

In his first season at the helm, it suddenly dawned on Harry Redknapp that he had come to the wrong club; instead of joining Eastbourne, he erroneously became manager of Bournemouth. This presented the plucky, but nonetheless greedy Harry with his first challenge; namely, if Bournemouth hasn't got as many pensioners to swindle out of their cash as Eastbourne, "How the fackin' 'ell am I gonna make it pay?" Obviously, he'd never heard of Harold Shipman.

In what was to become his typical managerial form, he barely helped Bournemouth escape the drop to the bottom rung of the Football League. Bournemouth also caused a shock in the FA Cup when they beat holders Manchester United in the third round. Nothing sinister, or "brown-envelope" related about that shock result.

Inevitably, Bournemouth were relegated at the end of their third season. Bournemouth were in 13th position on 3 March, but injuries, and sales of all the players, their grandparents (including gold teeth, chrome hip joints etc) which depleted the squad, combined with a catastrophic loss of form (which was solely down to the players of course), meant that they won only won one more game for the rest of that season, and were relegated on the 5th of May after a 1–0 defeat at Dean Court against Leeds United A.F.C.

In June 1990, whilst watching the Football World Cup 1990 in Italy, Redknapp was involved in a car crash with Bournemouth's managing director Brian Tiler , who died along with four other people. Redknapp made a full recovery (apart from being permanently without his senses of smell and choice of suits) but became disillusioned with the lack of funds and limited resources at his disposal and resigned at the end of the 1991-92 in English football season. Bournemouth have been servicing their huge debts ever since.

West Ham United

For the next season he was appointed assistant manager to Billy "Uni" Bonds] at West Ham United F.C., another of his former clubs. However, when in August 1994, Bonds left after a major disagreement with the board, Redknapp claimed Bonds' salary as well, and was appointed manager of his hometown club.

Redknapp helped to stabilise the club and establish it in the Premier League, and also helped bring through a number of young players from the club's The Academy of Football, including Rio Ferdinand, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick and his nephew Frank Lampard coming through the ranks. However, Redknapp also made mistakes in the foreign market with the signings of Marco Boogers and Florin Raducioiu proving to be expensive flops - but according to him, they weren't his fault, as they'd only got 2 points from 42 games before he took over.

Nevertheless, West Ham finished eighth in 1998, and then enjoyed one of their best seasons when finishing in fifth place and qualifying for the UEFA Intertoto Cup. In the 1999-2000 in English football, West Ham won the Intertoto Cup and qualified for the UEFA Cup but failed to match their performances in the league, which could be put down to the extra games played. Redknapp left West Ham on 9 May 2001, one game before the end of the 2000-01 in English football. For some time it was unconfirmed whether he resigned or was sacked but Redknapp shed new light on the true circumstances in October 2007: {{quote|"The chairman Terry Brown, quite rightly thought I was a cunt and he sacked me. I fink it was summit to do wiv my greed rivalling his. "There's room for only one greedy fucker at this club - saggy features", is what he told me."

West Ham have been servicing their large debts ever since. A pattern was emerging.

Portsmouth

Again, failing to sign for the rich, coffin-dodger haven that is Eastbourne, Redknapp soon re-emerged as Director of Football at Portsmouth F.C. in summer 2001. However, after the club's poor form he replaced manager Graham "Well, she looked over 16 your Honour" Rix] in March 2002. Redknapp managed the club to the Football League First Division title in the 2002-03 in English football season, gaining promotion to the Premier League, ironically replacing his former club West Ham. Again, no brown envelopes, race-horses or expensive Sandbanks properties changed hands after that one either !!

Redknapp kept Portsmouth in the Premier League in the 2003-04 in English football season, but had a dispute with Portsmouth's owner Milan Mandarić over his assistant Jim Smith. Redknapp had another disagreement with Mandaric over the appointment of Arkan as Director of Football and after agreeing a hefty pay-off, resigned as Portsmouth's manager in November 2004.

Southampton

A few weeks after his departure at Portsmouth, Redknapp became manager of Southampton F.C., a move which infuriated Portsmouth's supporters as the two clubs are rivals. Redknapp was tasked with keeping Southampton in the Premier League but predictably, and through no fault of his own ("It was the players") he ultimately was unable to achieve this, ending Southampton's 27 year spell in the top flight. Redknapp remained in charge for the 2005-06 in English football, Football League Championship season but was unable to establish consistency needed to make Southampton promotion contenders. Redknapp was also unhappy with chairman Rupert Lowe's appointment of Sir Clive Woodward to the club's coaching staff. Despite Woodward's lack of knowledge of football management, his honesty rankled with Redknapp. After being repeatedly linked with a return to Portsmouth after they sacked Alain Perrin, Redknapp resigned as Southampton's manager in early December 2005. Lowe quoted Redknapp as referring to Portsmouth as his "spiritual home". What a mug ! Southampton have been servicing their huge debts ever since.

Return to Portsmouth

Redknapp returned to Portsmouth F.C. on 7 December 2005 with the club threatened by relegation to Football League Championship, although not in the relegation zone. At first it looked like Redknapp would be heading for a second successive relegation, but a fine run of form at the end of the season, aided by the takeover of Portsmouth by Alexandre Gaydamak (which provided Redknapp with more money), ensured Portsmouth's survival. In the following season, Redknapp led Portsmouth to a ninth placed finish which was the club's highest league finish since the 1950s. In October 2007, Redknapp signed a new contract at Portsmouth lasting until 2011.

In January 2008 it emerged through the media that Redknapp was offered the vacant manager's job at Newcastle United following the sacking of Sam Allardyce. Redknapp had apparently declined the job, stating "I have a job to do to take this club forward and to walk away would not have been the right thing to do." It was later stated by Newcastle chairman Christopher Mort that Redknapp "was interviewed for the job but he was only one of a number of people we were speaking to at that time", and at the time of Redknapp's interview the club had already been in secret talks with the eventual appointee, Kevin Keegan, for a week.

Three lions on his shield. King Harry is read to lead England on a crusade| to win temporal glory.

On 8 March, he led Portsmouth to an FA Cup quarter final victory over Manchester United, completing a hat-trick of FA Cup wins over Manchester United, and followed this with a semi-final victory over West Bromwich Albion F.C.|at Wembley Stadium on 5 April. He guided the club to their first 2008 FA Cup Final in 69 years, where they beat Cardiff City F.C., on 17 May 2008, to win The FA Cup 1–0, thanks to a goal scored by Nwankwo Kanu.. Since his departure, Portsmouth having been servicing their rather huge debts.

V-signs at Aston Villa

After being rather tamely taunted by the Holte End following his arrest for (ahem) alleged financial irregularities, in a game when the referee could hardly move for all the brown envelopes sticking out of his shorts, 'Arry (bless him) made a "V" sign at the home supporters. Oh dear. 14,000 fans then chanted "You're getting fucked in the showers", to which Redknapp described as "filth" and lied that "he never fackin swore like them Villa cunts like that, never!".

In 2008, when returning to Villa park, one admirer threw some money at Redknapp, who, after failing to catch it, decided to make an official complaint to the Football Association.

Tottenham Hotspur

Following the sacking of the fantastic Juande Ramos (who could not win a football match to save his life) by Tottenham Hotspur, the club announced that Redknapp had agreed to take over as the new manager at Spurs. And I thought Rupert Lowe was stupid, but there you go. Since then Redknapp has brought several hundreds of players to Tottenham, in a attempt to bring Champions League football to White Hart Lane and due to his policy of buy,buy,buy,buy,buy,sell,buy,buy,buy,regret selling,buy. He has gotten in to the 'top 4' with about every other club desperately failing. When in the Champions League, he has pulled off the resounding 0-4 loss to Real Madrid (the best result in Spurs's glorious history).

England?

Since the departure of Fabio Capello as manager of England, Redknapp has been voted by newspapers as the 'natural sucessor' for the job. A self declared illiterate but with a natural gift to relate to the English born players, Redknapp's 'Man of the People' approach is a contrast to Capello. It is related that when Capello asked his players to approach a game like a 'Machiavelli', Wayne Rooney asked which team this 'Scottish-Italian' played for. The story is probably untrue but it is one of those you wish it wasn't.

Redknapp is said to 'be thinkin' about the offer but won't decide as he needs to check with his dogs who are currently residing in tax exiled kennels in Monaco.

Corruption allegations and arrest

On 19 September 2006, Redknapp was quite rightly, shown on camera by BBC Panorama taking part in what appeared to be an interest in approaching a player illegally. Redknapp denied his conversation about then-Blackburn Rovers player Andy Todd (footballer born 1974)|with the soccer agent Peter Harrison amounted to "tapping up" or illegally approaching the player. Redknapp referred to Todd as a "tough bastard" during the conversation and suggested that he would be interested in signing the player on a full time basis if he was available. Redknapp told the BBC that he has never taken a bung and had given footballer Kevin Bond no reason to think otherwise and that he considers himself to be "One million percent innocent", clearly demonstrating that his financial acumen did not go hand-in-hand with his grasp of elementary mathematics. It is also widely known that Harry Redknapp cannot spell the words receipt and the.

England's peasants celebrate Harry's acquittal.

In the final report of the [[2006 allegations of corruption in English football Stevens Inquiry published in June 2007, the only criticism of Redknapp concerned his ownership of a racehorse named "Double Fantasy" thought to have been given to him by the agent Willie McKay, which has aroused some suspicion. Redknapp told the inquiry that it was possible that he did own the horse but insisted that he had not made any money out of it because the horse was a failure and never won a race. Notably, Redknapp made his excuses and left the interview because he had to take delivery of a lorry full of brown envelopes.

In 2012 after a long running legal and trial for tax avoidance and Redknapp was declared innocent. His funnelling of money to secret bank accounts in Monaco was officially blamed to his pet dogs for opening up accounts without his knowledge. For the first time in nearly 20 years, the adjective 'Dodgy' was officially removed from Redknapp's name. This means he has every chance of becoming manager of England.

Managerial Style

This can be summed up by the following points:

• He hasn't got any (unless you call looking like a cross between Arthur Daley and Mike Bassett stylish.)

• Mind you, his post-match interview technique initially appeared very impressive, until its formulaic nature was catalogued by a 3 year-old girl as follows:

Hobbies

Harry likes horses and bought one in February 2011 because Alex Ferguson has one too. Harry also likes to make car noises like "vroom vroom" if he sees any cars in the street. He especially likes Police cars because they have shiny blue lights on their roofs but he is scared of their noisy sirens and has been known to cry if one goes off near him.

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