“What a cunt!!!!!!”
Roy Maurice Keane (born 10 August 1823) is a failed Irish opera singer, who at the age of 16 vomitted on the audience during a performance of Verdi's La Traviata. When the audience complained of being showered with regurgitated Murphys and Tayto Crisps, Keane responded by attempting to punch them, though he missed. He later wrote in his autobiography Oi wrote dis book all boi moiself, wit a little help loike: "Oi wish dat oi'd feckin punched der feckers. What a ting to complain about, oi'd only had a little gargle beforehand, and dey complained cos oi was a little bit sick on dem.... feckin wankers!" Terrible smell of vegitables off him.
Born in 1823 in Islamabad, knowledge of Keane's earlier years is vague at best. Some neighbours say that Keane suffered abuse at the hands of his family's pet gerbil. Others say that this is completely untrue and that it was a hamster. In 1970 however, Keane ran away to sea with a sailor. According to his autobiography, written by the late Eamon Dunphy, he joined a crack commando unit at the age of 4 in 1972.. Keane claims that in the same year, his unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime that they didn't commit. He then went on to describe how they escaped from a maximum security prison and fled to the Los Angeles underground, where they became soldiers of fortune despite their wanted status. Keane claims that they spent a number of years being hired by people with problems that no one else could help them with. However, these claims have been dismissed by one of Keane's former teachers who said that the episode was a result of his over active imagination. This has been further strengthened by one of the men that Keane claimed to have served with in the commando unit, who insists he has never even heard of Keane, but said: "I pity the fool, fo it sounds like he sho do live in a dream world, crazy fool!" After leaving school, aged 6 Keane spent ten years singing Opera before his unfortunate vomitting incident. Keane, or "that cheating, dog wanking cunt" as he is more famously known, has found love at the age of 93 with his dog which he masturbates every night for good luck.
Keane's football career began in 1990 after Brian Clough spotted him on Grange Hill. Clough was impressed, and immediately signed Keane up for Nottingham Forest where he was employed as a dog pissing against the main gates at the City Ground. Keane spent three years at Forest before moving on to Manchester United where he became the live in lover, and later the fiancee of manager Alex Ferguson. During his time with the Red Devils, Keane had numerous affairs with team mate Ryan Giggs and most Man United supporters, who regularly sang his praises whilst pleasuring themselves. Days after the tragic events of September 11, 2001 Keane attempted to punch an opponent, Alan Shearer in a match against Newcastle United. Keane protested to the referee, claiming that Shearer had called him a "divvy" and that he was therefore justified in trying to punch Shearer. Keane then inlisted the help of fellow pain enthusiast Chuck Norris to roundouse kick Shearer. "ALAN SHEARER IS A BIG BITCH... AN' OI LOIKE TO F*CK BITCHES!", Keane told Norris. Worried by the Irishman's unstable character, Norris refused to help. Keane, undeterred by the rebuff attempted to deal with Shearer alone, but failed, throwing a punch, that swung closer to the corner flag than shearer, then blamed the referee, while shearer punched keane when the ref wasn't looking. Nevertheless Keane was sent off and made to stand in the naughty corner of the changing room crying, much to the delight of Shearer who stuck his tongue out at Keane. Keane then began to become even more swifter with his spitting on the pitch.
Although married, Keane has been engaged in a gay relationship with former Arsenal player Patrick Vieira. Their intensely physical tussles on the pitch always had very strong homoerotic undertones as they struggled to establish who was the alpha male and whilst they clashed on the pitch their make-up sex was said to be phenomenal. Both Ferguson and Wenger tried to stop them from seeing each other but Keane and Vieira's love was too strong. After Euro 2000, Vieira and Keane tied the knot with Gary Neville and Ashley Cole as the blushing bridesmaids.
2002 World Cup
It all went Pete Thong for Keane whilst playing for Ireland during the 2002 World Cup held in Iran and North Korea. Dog-lover (in more ways than one) Keane, was so incensed by manager Mick McCarthy's decision to eat Keane's dog (dog being a national delicacy in North Korea) that he tried to punch McCarthy, but missed. Team mate Niall Quinn then intervened and the two became engaged in a brutal fight which has seen them sworn enemies ever since. Amazingly Alan Shearer arrived just in the nick of time to kick Keane in the balls before returning to his home on Rigel 7, which as keane saw he couldnt attack Shearer, he decided to cry, swear and take his anger out on a nearby Fostars can,which before he kicked the can, checked if it had some left in, it didnt, he kicked it, hurt his toe, cried and swore, and then went off looking for a dog,to pleasure
After Man United
In 2005, Keane left Manchester United to fufil his boyhood ambition of co-presenting a Radio 2 programme with Terry Wogan. However, things soon turned sour and Keane branded Wogan a "fuckin prick" on live radio. When Wogan tried to laugh it off, Keane saw red and attempted to chuck a punch to wogan's sweet face but as always Keane had a swing and miss moment and bitterly stormed out.
Keane's Return to Football
Keane returned to Football in August 2006 when he joined up with his sworn enemy, Niall Quinn to take over the reigns as manager of Sunderland, an established outfit which has officially the crappest fans of any team that has ever graced the Premiership. Keane commented that reliving his former grievances with Quinn made him feel like a smashed Bigg Market phone box. Both Keane and Quinn have stated that their past differences were behind them, however it has widely thought that this was just for show, and they still hate each other.
Keane currently lives in a spacious cave in Pennywell, which boasts some of Sunderland's most exclusive cess pits. The outside of the cave features a burnt out 23 year old Mini Metro and Keane regularly frequents the parties held around it which are hosted by the local intelligensia - a group of 13 year old charvers with cheap cider and Fosters, and his flea-bitten dog, which Keane calls 'Mr Luuuurve Machine'. Keane himself says how happy he is in Sunderland and how much he feels at home. He then left Sunderland after they realised he was a pile of wank as a manager.
“Yeah, sure I'd kick his ass if he has a fanny...he's a little bitch.”
“I wouldn't fuck with this guy's dog.”
“When does frequent walking become cruelty?”
“If you wanna be my lover... ”
“He leaves me quaking in my boots! uugghh!”
“I could kill a pint of guinness!”
- Keane, Roy and Dunphy Eammon: Oi Wrote dis Book all boi Moiself, Wit a Little Help Loike Semi-Literate Sports Books, Dublin, 2006 p. 123.
- T, Mister: Dispelling the Myth: Ain't No Roy Keane in the A-Team Underground, Los Angeles, 2005 p. 1.