Rio Ferdinand

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Rio Ferdinand

Rio Ferdinand is a professional musician and 'Merker' who, contrary to personal belief, is not funny. He made his name as a bagpipist in the reggae group Franz and The Ferdinands along with his brother Les and clone, Anton as well as Francis Jeffers, an officially certified and recognised failure.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Ferdiand was unfortunately born with a Walkers Quaver instead of a top lip, in Brazil in the early 1990's as a result of a secret liaison between Catherine Tate and Scatman John, Ferdinand attempted a career in extreme sports before retiring due to drugs accusations triggered by his referring to everything as 'dope'.

After a spell in rehab he turned his attentions to the toy-industry, a career that spanned one poorly received production "Rio's Footy Wind-Ups", a collection of self propelled toys that never quite caught on. Shortly after this he was arrested on suspicion of contributing inherent awfulness related to his wind-up toys and other drug related charges and spent nine monthes in prision before being bailed out for £30m by a wealthy scotsman named Sir Alexander of Ferguson, who believed that the young Rio still had much to offer the world.

Emergence of Anton and venture into music[edit | edit source]

Ferguson taught him everything he knew, but unbeknown to Rio, during his absence he had been replaced by a jive-talking clone called Anton, a result of a 'retina scan' Rio had taken before imprisonment. Upon encountering this clone, Rio attempted to murder it and after a 300 day fistfight, the two 'brothers' shook hands and agreed to take the world and bastardize the English language together.

Under Ferguson's expert tutelage, Rio learnt the bagpipes and, along with his older brother Les and his clone Anton, propositioned becoming the new backing band for unacclaimed musician Francis Jeffers. Jeffers agreed, and after much head-scratching and jive-talking, the quartet named themselves 'Franz and the Ferdinands'.

However, there have been recent rumours of unrest within the band due to Ferdinand's insistence on 'merking' any groupies that come the band's way. Their future remains uncertain and their chart success has been usurped by the unrelated Scottish barbershop quartet of 'Franz Ferdinand', provoking legal advice from the latter.

Acting career[edit | edit source]

After taking an absence of leave from Franz and the Ferdinands in 2008, Ferdinand has set his eyes on an acting career, landing the lead role in a a portrayal of plasticine Terry Pratchettlegend Morph, slated for a 2011 release.

He also had a star role in "Star Wars-The Phantom Menace" as the bumbling oaf Jar-Jar Binks. Of course no acting was required but he was found underneath his trailer covered in cocaine and saying "I thought it was legal, i forgot..."

Rio is also the stunt double for Donald Duck and has, on occasion, filled in Dead Eye Duck for some scenes in Bucky O'Haire. He was sacked from this role due to the molesting charges brought against him after a drunken night out (and finally a sex session, culminating in Rio leaving a large milkmans deposit on the ashes of Bucky's Mother (who is also Rio's sister) Pauline Fowler) with Bucky, resulting in Bucky overdosing

See Also[edit | edit source]