“Hands, they're on your feet.”
The very bane of human existence, hands are designed solely for the twisted reason that pie cannot be touched by them from the inside. No, instead we have to use a fork or any other form of silverware to enjoy the very goodness of this terrorist dessert.
Hands were originally invented in 1955 by the Ancient Romans. They got bored of using there feet to make things and masturbate, so they made the firsts set of hands out of chrome plated gold, and wool. The hand became very useful until someone had the dumb ass idea to take some of there excess foreskin to use as flesh since many complained "The Metal Is Too Cold, Damn This Sucks"
Many have wondered why hands must trouble us so. After all, if we had not hands, we would no longer be forced to pet furry animals rather than doing something important like finding out the meaning of life.
The hand is a very intricate device. Many human beings use their hands to run their frenelum, often called 'under side of my penis' 'banjo string' 'male G-Spot' and 'underside of my penis'. It gives males a massive erection, when they then squish their penis very hard and 'shake the weasel'. Women use theirs to stick their finger in their vaginas and get wet.
Some unfortunate folks are born with fingernails on their hands. Such a deformity precludes any romantic involvement whatsoever, due to the immense pain involved in something as simple as a caress.
Hands are the sole tool used in masturbation, thus being crucial to human existance.
To use a hand in masturbation is called hand job. Hand sex is type of love that can be found in its natural habitat in many places, for example, Las Vegas. It usually consists of a person, male or female, that has a hand pleasure them. The places you can find them: 1) Your own hand. 2) Your homosexual friend's hand. 3) Your girl/boyfriend's hand 4) Your cousin's hand. (only in Arkansas) 5) A stranger in a back alley's hand. 6) Micheal Jackson's hand. (now extinct in America.) 7) Your parent or other relative's hand. (rare breed)
Since there are so many places you can find hand sex, there are also many types. 1) Penis hand sex (hand sex including the rubbing of a penis) 2) Vagina hand sex (hand sex including the rubbing and thrusting of a hand with a vagina) 3) Meaningless hand sex (usually found in back alleys and can be in either of the above forms, but usually with a penis.)
Foam hands are found at every national and small sports game, tournament, fundraiser, charity, meeting, conference, social event, party, and dance halls. Foam hands are made out of smelted down army men, mixed with a few household chemicals and fiberglass to create a foam outline of a hand with the index finger in the upward position as if being pointed to help smear preparation H around ones rectum. Foam hands or finger are usually used by soccer moms, MILF'S, Asian tourists, Locker-room beat off boys who are over egotistical, and make loud barking noises while pacing down the hallway giving out ass smacks to the gay quarterbacks. Foam hands run for the retail prices of 11.29$ which are always overpriced. For the 13 cents it was made for in southern Shri-Lanka by a pre-pubescent boy named Sanjit.
FACT: According to the guinness book of Records 2009 the boy with the softest hands of the 20th and 21st century is called Adam Peter Evans-Labrie aka Ape. It is stated that he washes his hands 15 times a day after his morning paper round is complete. It is said that if you smack a hobo he will either eat ur hand or your fingers will fall off and fly away.