Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

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Five is right out.
Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne, pictured here with his Holy Hand Grenade.

The Holy Hand Grenade (German: Tannenbaum), first introduced in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail, was originally manufactured in Antioch in 1274 to aid St Atilla the Killer's war against the local Rastafarians. Its exact specifications are unclear, since the one and only remaining example was lobbed properly in 1974. However, it is thought to be constructed in the manner prescribed by one of the lost books of the Bible; namely, the Book of Armaments.

How it works[edit | edit source]

A king wears a crown made from an old Holy Hand Grenade.

The holy hand grenade is made up of: 50% gold, 10% gannet's guano nitre, 5% Holy Things, 5% Unholy things (like kitten huffers and grues), 40% grenadine, and 94.374582913% Hendrick's gin (with a twist of lemon) and a shit load of C-4. A subatomic reaction, much too complex for this paragraph but found elsewhere within this site, follows as the grenade explodes, releasing a perfusion of lethal abiguities. A starburst of subatomic charged archimandrites will sashay in a myriad directions with alacrity, subverting your target's firmament. A nuclear reactor. And lots, and lots of thermite.

Armaments, 2:9-2:24[edit | edit source]

(2:9) And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."

(2:10) And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chunks of oatmeal and bananas and raisins and koalas and blueberries and grues.

(2:10.5) Skip a little bit.

(2:11) And all were greatly overwhelmed by this sight.

(2:12) But one did come forth, like a son of the Fire, who cried out, "Let this man not deceive you, for he doth lie."

(2:14) And so there was great confusion as to whom was the servant of the Lord.

(2:15) So Saint Attila did raise his voice to the Lord, saying, "O Lord, tell me, thy servant, how to use this thy hand grenade that, with it, thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."

(2:16) And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin.

(2:17) "Then, shalt thou count to three; no more, no less.

(2:18) "Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.

(2:19) "Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.

(2:20) "Five is right out.

(2:22) "Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

(2:22) "So Saint Atilla did raise the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at his foes, and he did begin to take out the Holy Pin and counted."

(2:23) "One...Two...Five." "Three, sir." "THREE!"'''

Additional annotations[edit | edit source]

The rabbit's head after King Arthur retrieved and mounted it.

Yes, I just threw this page together after I counted to 5, I mean 3.

When oh when, my dear children, shall we learn to count to... four..nay even to five, what on earth.. isn't the sky the limit? What if we would only be able to count to... no, my head asplodes, the possibilities are endless. For in the future, perhaps, we could count to six, even seven if we are not afraid to reach for the stars. And then what? eight? maybe nine? It can't be true! A Void lies beyond that daring figure. What is it??? Unspeakable Name! Ten!!! I will be burned at the stake. Forgive me! I am blaspheming. Who will believe me? What comes after that? Nobody knows! Oh curse... please pull the Holy Pin out now! But what if there was a number after ten, yes there should be and thou shall call it eleven. But people will call me devil worshipper for judging the way of god, For now i will be, withou... Just Shut the @*&% up and throw the god damned, mouther@#$^ *&%$€ ^&%&^$ &^%^%$#%$$^ $$^^%*%% $$€€$&^%$ ^%&^ you #$@% idiot.

Emoticons[edit | edit source]

+O Holy right-Handed Grenade
O+ Holy left-Handed Grenade
+ O Pin pulled on Holy right-Handed Grenade
O + Pin pulled on Holy left-Handed Grenade
+ O + Pin pulled on Holy kack-Handed Grenade
O Fake Holy Hand Grenade thrown by the socially retarded
+O--O+ Holy Hand Grenade chuck used by Ninjas
{[<<O>>]} Holy Hand Grenade explosion
~O~ Holy Hand Grenade dud

Misconceptions[edit | edit source]

It is believed that the Holy Hand Grenade is actually a symbol for the rule of Christ over the whole Earth, through a cross placed above a globe. However, there are many holes in this belief. For example, it is unlikely that Earth would be represented by a sphere in the minds of a flat-earther medieval person.

See also[edit | edit source]

Mr Blobby, shortly after being mistakenly handed a Holy Hand Grenade manufactured as an exact replica for the attempted coup of the United Kingdom in December 2009; and shortly before he decided it would be a good idea to shout 'BLOB, BLOB, BLOBBY!' before lobbing it into the House Of Lords.