Duncan Ferguson

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Duncan Ferguson was eroded by wind and rain from a large piece of rock, a process taking several millennia. He became animate in 1971, 523 years ahead of schedule, due to the dismal shit that passes for weather in Scotland.

Annoyed at having to wait 523 years to fulfil his destiny of saving the planet from The Evilest Man In The World, Ever, after all others (even Chuck Norris, yes) had failed, Duncan Ferguson decided to while away a few years playing football. Thats euro football by the way, Duncan Ferguson knows not what this soccer is, and if you use words he doesn't understand around him, he will come and Get You. See below for what happens when Duncan Ferguson comes to Get You.

Duncan Ferguson played fitba mainly for Neverton, and is rightly regarded as one of the greatest heroes of all time. Famed for his restrained conduct on the field of play and graceful goalscoring, he now lies dormant, awaiting his chance to invade Cuba. He can do this because he needs no army, and is immune to nuclear weapons, leftist poseur students brandishing posters of Che Guevara, and poverty.

Coming to Get You[edit | edit source]

This is what happens. Be afraid.

One day, Duncan Ferguson may come and Get You. Its pointless worrying about this, as it could happen at any time, for any reason, to anyone. He could be in your area now, so best never go outside again, ever. On no less than two separate occasions, burglars attempted to rob Duncan Ferguson's house. He Got Them so hard they all vapourised immediately, their souls forever damned to Eternal, Unbelievable Torment and Pain.

Duncan Ferguson is guaranteed to come and Get You if you do not watch [1], which is a video showing how generally awe inspiring and deserving of your love he is. You have been warned. You must watch this video immediately after finishing this article.

On the 31st day of January, in the year of our Lord 2006 A.D. ( anno duncan ) , the Austrian Paul Scharner did encounter Duncan Ferguson. Daring to hail Duncan in his native tongue, he was subsequently 'Got'.

Did you know?[edit | edit source]

  • The only person immune from being Got by Duncan Ferguson is Keith Richards.
  • Whilst in prison, Duncan Ferguson constructed a model of L'Arc de Triomphe made of over 6 million matchsticks. Another inmate destroyed it shortly before the final match was put in place. Duncan Ferguson forgave him, and the incident was not mentioned again.
  • Duncan Ferguson's favourite cheese will only be first produced in the year 2144.
  • The above fact enrages him.
  • Duncan owns 260 billion pigeons.
  • Duncan Ferguson's hero is Leonard Nimoy
  • Duncan Ferguson stalks the internet like an avenging angel. Currently he is clicking on every pop-up ever, in order to get to the beating heart of evil, where Steve Ballmer sits on his beast throne, furiously masturbating.
  • Duncan Ferguson's famed "off to prison I go" headbutt makes Zinedine Zidane look like a prime nonce.

Controversy[edit | edit source]

Most articles have this heading in them, which is why it is here. It is a homage to all the other ones, which are an essential part of pretty much anything. For increased learn good power on this important issue, see controversy.

It should be noted that at no stage has Duncan Ferguson ever been involved with or implicated in any controversies. He is basically a saint.

I can't believe its not controversy[edit | edit source]

There are actually two or more actual facts in this article. Can you see where they are yet?!

Sing a song for Duncan[edit | edit source]

Singing either of these songs may stop Duncan Ferguson coming to Get You. Nothing can save Steve Ballmer though, he's fucked.

Duncan, He is at the front of the team,
Duncan, He is a goal machine
Duncan, He's nowhere to be seen
Duncan, He batters burglin teens.

Alternatively, try this one, it is a popular drinking song in The fifth circle of hell.

Drink, drink, wherever we may be,
He is the Dunc and disorderly,
And he will drink - wherever he may be,
'Cos he is the Dunc and disorderly...

Or try this one

He's mad He's brave And Duncan is his name Ferguson, Ferguson.

and in keeping with his injury reccord..

In for a weekend, out for a month
In for a weekend, out for a month
In for a weekend, out for a month

and what a tampon!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a right stuck up cunt

Approved by Kansas Board of Education
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education

This page meets all criteria and requirements for use as teaching material within the State of Kansas public school system. It consists of facts, not of theories, and students are encouraged to believe it uncritically, and to approach alternatives critically.