Newcastle United

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Newcastle United Footbaaaaall Club
The Super Mags, The Black and White Shirts, Geordies
Founded9 December 1892; 131 years ago (1892)
GroundSir Sid James' Park
(capacity: 80,000,000)
OwnerMike "Fat Cockney Bastard" Ashley
Football DirectorJoe Kinnear
ManagerMark Knofler
Top ScorerAlan Shearer
LeaguePremier League
2012–13Premier League, 16th

“Besides, you’re saying it wrong it’s Niecastll, not Newwcarstle”

~ Geordie Hermione Granger on pronunciation

“Worst Soccer player Ever”

~ Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons on Michael Owen

“Newcastle marked my downfall as a player and I will never forgive them.”

~ Patrick Kluivert on Newcastle United

“Snapped the ugly bastards leg, Get in”

~ Nigel De Jong on Hatem Ben Arfa Leg

Newcastle United Football Club (also known as North East Black Stripes) is an asylum in the North East of England which rehabilitates people from the surrounding area, through various activities and sports, the most prominent of which being football. The people of Newcastle regard their team as one of the finest in England, however this is vastly untrue as Newcastle United have won fuck all in well over half a century.

Club Colours[edit | edit source]

The club played in a number of colours before adopting their famous black and white stripes. The origin of the colours being adopted is a legendary tale on Tyneside. Club Captain Lord Archibald Bulls-Knacker, 7th Duke of Walker was invited to a well to do fancy dress party, attended by a host of celebrities of the day, including His Majesty King Victoria. Bulls-Knacker had gone to the party as a zebra. The following morning he awoke still blind drunk in a hedge and stumbled home to his mansion on the fashionable Scrogg Road. Bulls-Knacker got changed, had a shit, a wank, a shower and a shave and then returned his outfit to the fancy dress shop. Only he had in fact returned the club strips (back in those days, the club captain was legally obliged to wash all the strips and have sex with the other players' wives). Realising his mistake and with a vital game just five minutes away, Bulls-Knacker had no alternative but to fashion some shirts from his Zebra outfit. From that day forth, the club were affectionately known by their now famous nickname 'The Black and White Zebras'.

Another interesting fact is that Juventus (a gambling organisation from somewhere near Italy) once managed to intercept a whole crate of stolen Newcastle United shirts, and claim them as their own. When pressed by the authorities, the then chairman, or mafioso Dom DaMauritio, simply denied all allogations and stated that he had never heard of Newcastle United. This was later proved to be correct when locals could not recall their city having a side. This was furthered by the almost pristine state of Bigg Market at 5:00PM every saturday: Newcastle had not been formed yet and would not be for another 100 years until 1992

1900 to 1992[edit | edit source]

Newcastle United existed, but no current fans can confirm this. It is of the belief that while the team trained, the players never realised they had to actually play football. Silly old Geordies. They began to ads for their club. But everybody thought it was stupid. So they kicked it's ass. People wonder to this still day how they ever got any fans. The must be Alternate lives.

1992-2007[edit | edit source]

This is the year Newcastle United was formed, this is proved to be accurate as detailed above although it should be noted that before this time there really was fuck all to talk about so people choose to re write history and choose 1992 for the date of Newcastle Uniteds creation, anyway moving on. Keegan saved Newcastle from relegation to the old third division on the final day of the 1991/92 season and the following season was able to guide the team via an elaborate escape tunnel (in which dirt was hidden in the ceilings of the St James' Park offices) to the Premiership. The club's fortunes under Keegan and Sir John were on the up as player after player arrived to join the Tyneside revolution. Over the next several years, United took the Premiership by storm and in the summer of 1996, United paid a world record £15 fee to bring the Geordie born goal ace, U2 Frontman and star of 'The Apprentice, Alan Shearer home. Shearer stayed at United for 10 fantastic minutes in which time he became the world's highest ever goalscorer, came back from 15 career threatening and 10 life threatening injuries, developed a plan with Bob Geldof to rid the third world of debt and poverty, had bust ups with the dark forces of Ruud Gullit and Craig Bellamy, evicted unlawful squatter, Graeme Souness and led United to a very lucky 4-1 victory over the forces of evil.

Disaster struck for United at the 2006 World Cup when England striker Michael Owen, ruptured knee ligaments. Club Chairman, Freddy Fat-Fuck (otherwise known as Jabba the Hutt) was furious demanding at least 19 million Greggs Steak Bakes from the FA as compensation. The club sent Owen to have a bionic knee fitted which allows him to run at 300 MPH (marginally slower than his normal pace) and stop opponents by activating laser death rays. Thankfully the Sugar Puff Honey Monster was fit and filled the breach perfectly.

The following season, things looked dull for our "heroic" team. With Glenn Rodent and Fat 'Jabba' Freddy at the helm, United plunged into the sticky mess that is the bottom half of the Premiership (that's anywhere below Chelsea FC or Manchester United who are the best teams in the world and take up exactly half the league.). Disheartened, the fans became outraged, and are now rioting every week (instead of the usual 3 times a month) this is much to the joy of Sunderland fans, who, to be honest, don't ever really have much to celebrate. Bad signings like Albert Luque (who we believe to be from somewhere near Dartford), Damien's Duff, Antoine Sibierski (another french slap-head) and Titus Aurelious Uselessious Bramble (one of the remaining Team from the Roman Ages) led the side down a bad road, and made the team not so much play football, as look like a mid-afternoon jog for pensioners, and cripples.

One small ray of light amongst all of this footballing darkness was the superb slapstick comedy produced by that now legendary defensive pairing of Jean-Alain Boumsong and Titus 'That's another fine mess you've gotten me into' Bramble. Their routines lying somewhere between Buster Keaton and Fatty Arbuckle, Boumsong and Bramble had an almost telepathic mis-understanding of each other, the rest of the squad and the game of football in general. Boumsong was shipped off to Juventus for the then record fee of half a Milky Way and a pat on the back and Titus went to Wigan Athletic albeit in the slightly less important role of tea boy. Hope remains that he will return to premiership action and rumours of a move to Sunderland have proved to be not entirely unfounded as Roy Keane has publicly stated that he thinks Titus is 'pure mint' and would love to sign him not only to bolster Sunderland's back four but also to take over dog walking duties on Thursday afternoons. Another interesting point of note is the fact that Bramble was the first premiership player to wear Dr Martin boots instead of the more mainstream football boots worn by other players.

The Shearer Prophecy[edit | edit source]

The one belief of Newcastle United supporters that keeps them breathing every day is that the great Alan Shearer will one day return to Newcastle. Nobody knows when this second coming will occur but many believe that it will be after Shearers front lock of hair has gained full independence from the rest of his head.

Kevin Keegan will of come and gone a further 7 more times, Mike Ashley will of sold the club to the local circus and the club will finish 17th 5 more times before this can happen, though still finish above Sunderland after beating them by 4 goals or more.

Recent Events[edit | edit source]

The disappointing 2006/07 season culminated in Rodent's forced resignation following the penultimate game of the season. After much rumour and specualtion, Jabba agreed to share his vast quantity of steak bakes and other Greggs pastry products with 'Fat Sam' Allardyce who spent the past several 'successful' seasons taking the unfashionable Bolton Wanderers rocketing up to the dizzy heights of the lower top half of the Premiership with their semi-scientific brand of 'airborne football'. Following this news, the club announced that next year's season ticket prices are to be raised in the upper parts of the stadium, as much of the play will now take place at their level.

As the summer roled on, St James' Park became the scene of a swift and dramatic coup, as the sports retail billionaire, Mike Ashley had his sights on taking over. Jabba was obstinate, but was rushed to hospital, where he remained for a month following a serious Steak Bake related injury. With Jabba out of the scene Ashley bought up the shares belonging to the largest share-holder and former ruler of the Empire of the Metro Centre, Sir John Wynyard Hall, and his evil layabout son. On learning of this, Jabba cried and wailed, proclaiming that he had been stabbed in the back. However, Ashley offered Jabba £5m, and a thought bubble immediately appeared as Jabba realised how many steak bakes he could buy for £5m. As he rightly realised it would make him the largest (literally) steak bake owner in the world, and an evil laugh emanated from his ample frame, for he was to stay on as 'the big man' - chairman..... well at least for a few weeks or a month or so before they kicked him out.

Meanwhile, Big Sam ditched a number of players with the useless (Bramble), mediocre (Sibierski), home sick nancy boy (Parker) and just plain invisible (Bernard) among those who left Tyneside early on. Dire - sorry Dyer (it's so easy to confuse the two) spent the summer whining before being sold to relegation dodging/cheating/legitimately surviving (delete as appplcable depending on bias/ spasticity) West Ham.

With a new manager, new players and a new regime, what could possibly go wrong?

What went wrong[edit | edit source]

And so the 2007/08 season got underway, with the scientific 'Big Sam' at the helm. Allardyce quickly revolutionised the whole set up at the club with experts drafted in to Allardyce's huge backroom staff, including the appointment of Science boffin professor Steven Hawkins' appointment as first team coach. Allardyce revolutionised the way that the team played by switching attacking midfielders to defensive roles, whilst employing only the middle of the pitch, leaving the wings free for the grass to grow and the opposition to dominate. So concerned was Sam about letting the grass grow that he ordered the players to keep the ball in the air rather than ruin the grass. However, somewhat puzzlingly, the team's form was affected and the fans started getting unhappy for some bizarre reason. Shortly after the new year, Allardyce was shown the door by chairman Chris Mort. When Sam commented that he didn't like Mort's new door, he was sacked.

Luckily, Newcastle have now learned their lesson and signed exactly the same daft cunt who started the whole sorry saga.

Return of the King[edit | edit source]

After a failed attempt to sign 'The queen of England Elton John', Kevin Keegan was welcomed back with open arms. Newcastle sold out of slimming cereal for the first time ever. This time is now commonly recognised as Easter on Tyneside. It inevitably went tits up though, as King Kev was sacked by a goggle eyed goblin named Dennis Wise after KK told him he was a dwarfed fuck-wit. The Blob(Ashley) initially reversed the decision in true Vince McMahon fashion only for KK to tell him "You fat fucking cockneyshit bag, your shops sell cheap clothes that falls apart after wearing once and i pissed in your coffee too". The Blob furious, has since banned any mention of KK at Sports Direct International S.J. Park until the fat bastard dies of a massive obesity related heart attack, which the locals pray will be in the near future. And for Wise ? a £1000,000,000 reward has been offered for the capture, torture, mutilation, castration and lobotomy of Wise, unfortunately he has yet to step foot in Newcastle since.

The Aftermath[edit | edit source]

Newcastle then employed around 7 managers before settling on Joe Kinnear, a pensioner who lived in a council estate down the road. This however, helped the fans with their chanting, because whenever they chanted "There's only one Joe Kinnear" they actually were wrong, Sunderland's greatest landmark the council house is full of them. Fortunately, Mr Kinnear then collapsed due to Newcastle's increasing use of brown ale during the end of the season, and suffered a heart problem, leaving Mary Poppins (aka Alan Shearer) to "save the club" in their last desperate attempt. Which failed, and they were relegated into the fizzy pop league. After a season where Andy Carroll, Kevin Nolan and Peter Lovenkrands basically promoted the Toon Army to knock on the premier leagues back door once again, they were welcomed with open arms... at a 3-0 defeat in the hands of Manchester United. Following a derby win at home to Sunderland, which lifted their hopes. They then started overshadowing Sunderlandonce again, but Ashley was told if he sacked then manager Chris Pouton he could have a greggs pastie, and appointing has been, Alan Pardew. Pardew then sold Carroll so that Mike Ashley can buy 35 million pounds worth of pies, thus securing their place in football history as the "most shitly run team ever".

However in the 2011/12 season Newcvastle's form has greatly improved. This is suspected to be because of a french invasion to the North East after Alan Pardew discovered he was related to Napoleon. Cheryl Cole has returned as the teams mascot and Mike Ashley has spent all of the Carroll, Nolan, Barton, Enrique money on Greggs, concubines, sweat shops and Derek Llambias.

Newcastle United Facts[edit | edit source]

  • A common known fact the only thing a Jawdee has lifted is a Giro and the only thing a Smoggie has lifted is his daughters skirt.
  • Ex-Chairman Freddy Fat-Fuck is rumoured to be the world's only 'Pasty Billionaire'.
  • Ex-Chairman Freddy Fat-Fuck's pasties would cover the entire surface area of the city of Rotterdam and could be stacked on top of one another in this area to a height of two miles.
  • Former Manager Sam Allardyce is the nephew of America's 'Uncle Sam'.
  • Ex-Chairman Freddy Fat-Fuck underwent a procedure known as oral-bowel reversal surgery. This means that shite comes from out of his mouth and he talks out of his big fat arse.
  • Decrepid old faux-Scottish bastard Rod Stewart is the latest in a number of talentless has-beens to perform concerts at St James', though with tickets priced at a mere £6,500, it promised to be an 'unmissible' gig... except for the vast majority of the world's population of course, who did not attend and for whom it was entirely missible.
  • Amnesty International are set to accuse the club of torturing their fans, due to the ineptness of the team's performance, but mainly because of the continuous playing of Rod Stewart songs at games towards the end of last season to promote the fake Scot's recent gig at St James'.
  • When Middlesbrough were in the UEFA Cup Final, the jawdees were know to have been watching the Bill sat at home until the final whistle when most fell out of their chairs laughing at the 4 - 0 score line, hence the chant "geordies at home not watching the bill, watching the smogs getting stuffed by seville"
  • The Jawdees are jealous of the correct use of the English language in nearby Middlesbrough and their far superior football team (< The person who wrote this was obviously high on some illegal drug at the time of writing (no he wasn't!) )
  • When attending football matches in nearby Middlesbrough,, Newcastle fans are advised to wear full nuclear and biological protection suits for their own safety and leave their children at home
  • Mike Ashley is in the Guiness Book of Records for eating the most Big Macs in 24 hours (3,068).
  • Mike Ashley wears an XXXXXXXXXXXXXXL sized football shirt when he attends matches with F(lash) A(sh's) T(otal) C(lassy) U(ltra) N(ice) T(rainers) printed on the back
  • Managing Derek Llambias has a criminal conviction for beastiality and sexual deviance
  • Nobody has ever seen Mike Ashley and Jabba the Hutt in the same place at the same time
  • When George Lucas was making the Star Wars Prequels he employed Mike Ashley to be the CGI model of Jabba the Hutt
  • Peter Beardsley is a model on how the Sunderland supporters look, but was still voted better looking than Steve Bruce, Jamie Pollock and David Vaughan in a recent competition
  • Newcastle was the inspiration for the song by Muse, 'City of Awesomeness'
  • The club recently imposed a 25 stone minimum for fans entering the ground. Fans must also provide 2 Nandos Loyalty books (completed), a brief history of the club from 1992 and show a willigness to take off items of clothing
  • Newcastle United once beat Manchester United 20 - 0 but Alex Ferguson whined and moaned at the referee for 2 months that he reversed the result to 2 - 1 to Manchester United.
  • Newcastle midfielder Cheick Tiote doesn't fear the Grim Reaper, the Grim Reaper fears Cheick Tiote

Recollections[edit | edit source]

“I was at the their first ever match. Pons Aelius East End they were then. They played near Hadrians Wall in Heatonium, near to where the railway is now. As a Roman, I supported the Roman Army team from across town in Condercum. Pons Aelius West End. East End beat us and the very next day, we were ordered back to Rome.”

~ Tacitus on Newcastle United

“Hughie Gallacher, what a man! What a player! He'd be in a crack den with about 10 minutes to go before the game started, smoking crack, snorting a line or shooting up on Heroin! we'd have to carry him up Barrack Road! Imagine that! supporters carrying the star striker to the game! For a lad who wasn't even born at the time, it was an honour, I can tell you! Often he was just out there in a world of his own. Once he was out there on the pitch though, he was like Fred Adare the dancer who was also a fireman.....sorry what were you saying?”

~ Sir Bobby Robson on Newcastle United

“Sack of Coal Milburn. Sackie was a gentleman. Whatever you needed, he'd help you. If you needed Coal for your fire, Sackie always had some. Of course we all had gas or electric fires or central heating in those days, so nobody ever did. But if you needed it, he'd give it to you......well, possibly, if you asked nicely and gave him 50% of your wages for the next five years.”

~ Jackie Milburn on Newcastle United

“ I couldn't believe it when I signed. I got off the train, and being a London boy I was just in awe of the place, the lights, the clubs. It was a fantasy land, just like Hollywood. They even had a Wimpy, which was a real luxury back then. All the stars flocked to the place. I remember meeting John Lennon in Fenwicks”

~ Malcolm Macdonald on Newcastle United

“When I made Back To The Future, I originally wanted to cast Jack Charlton in the role of Doc Brown. I rang him and met up with him for lunch at Sarah's Restaurant, which used to be just inside the Northumberland Street entrance of Eldon Square. I begged and pleaded and he said he'd like to do it, but he just didn't have the time as he was busy failing as Newcastle manager.”

~ Steven Spielberg on Newcastle United

“These last ten minutes when I came home, I've lived the dream and dreamed the live. It's all I ever wanted to do, well apart from be a train driver and be in U2. Oh, I do that as well don't I? "EL-E-VATION! WOOH!"”

~ Sir Alan Shearer on Newcastle United

Rivals (and people generally disliked by Geordies)[edit | edit source]

  • Anyone not fo'kin'eer like, why aye man byk'a grove.
  • Japanese (they support the rising sunderland)
  • Mackems
  • The Cockney Mafia
  • Smoggies
  • Mackems
  • People who don't like odd nicknames for people from odd places
  • Scousers
  • Rainbows
  • Adam "Lanky" Gilbert
  • Scousers
  • Cockneys
  • Mackems
  • Anyone who dislikes Bovril and Bovril-based products
  • The Dutch
  • The Portuguese
  • The Monty Python Team (how dare they insult Spam!)
  • Scouse Mackems
  • Camels (they know what they did...)
  • That Thatcher bitch
  • Cockneys
  • Balloons
  • Geordies
  • Mackems
  • Mark Lawrenson
  • People who can speak good English
  • Peter Ramage
  • Albert Luque
  • Mackems
  • Sports Direct
  • Derek Liambarse
  • Mike Ashley
  • Michael "the limpet" Owen
  • Channel 5
  • MENSA members (as people with immense intellects are scary to Geordies)
  • Mackems
  • Anyone with the letter A in their name
  • or the letter F
  • or the letter E
  • or the letter C
  • or the lett...
  • Aye don't forget the pretentious ego tripping Mancs like
  • Tories
  • People whose only insight into Newcastle is watching byker grove or when de boot cooms in like.
  • Craig Seff (Dirty Bastard)
  • Mackems

Brand-NewCastle United Current Squad[edit | edit source]

Number Name Position Nationality
1 Steve "looks a bit like Shay" Harper Nets 22px-Flag of England.png
2 Sideshow Bob Defender Argentina
3 José Enrique Inglesias El Toro 22px-Flag of Spain.png
4 Captain Fantastic Midfield Dynamo (Sunderland destroyer) 22px-Flag of England.png
5 Big Sol Almost retired 22px-Flag of England.png
6 William Michaelson Defender 22px-Flag of England.png
7 Pope Joseph Barton VII Former B'stard, future England captain and Poet Lauriet 22px-Flag of England.png
8 Big John Greenbeard Aaar Me Hearties! Pirate 22px-Flag of Pirates.png
9 Deadman Toontastic Comedian 22px-Flag of England.png
10 Michael Moneybags Owen Injured 22px-Flag of England.png
11 Duff Man Occasional The Simpsons Character Flag of ireland.PNG
12 His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI God's Representative on Earth until Ashley gave him a free transfer Vatican Flag 1.png
13 Jesus Unlucky Flag of canada.PNG
14 Charles N'somnia Midfielder 22px-Flag of France.png
15 Nobby Solano Trumpet Player Flag of peru.PNG
16 James Milner Midfielder 22px-Flag of England.png
17 Alan Smith Forward who's still to learn what the white metal u- shaped thing with the net tied to the back is 22px-Flag of England.png
18 Anton Dec Geordie TV duo who accompany each other everywhere and are now legally one person 22px-Flag of England.png
19 Demba BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Great striker. Funny Surname. Senegal
20 Jeremy He doesn't have a surname you know and is the only player to wear concrete boots Flag of cameroon.PNG
21 Emperor Quaag Zon VII Leader of the Greater Martian Empire Flag of greater martian empire.PNG
22 Knicker-less Butt Real name Nicholas 22px-Flag of England.png
23 Fowushola Ameobi Too fuckin' lazy to move! 22px-Flag of England.png
24 Mr. Tiote Cheik Tiote doesn't fear the grim reaper, the grim reaper fears Cheik Tiote Flag of ireland.PNG
26 Peter Damage Dodgy Defender 22px-Flag of England.png
27 Steven Taylor Defender and future winner of an Oscar for best Actor 22px-Flag of England.png
30 Edgar Davids Also available in white Flag of canada.PNG
33 Celestine Big Babyaro A.W.O.L when you need him Flag of nigeria.PNG
34 Fraser Forskin Goalkeeper 22px-Flag of England.png
35 Fatty Pattison Mediocre Midfielder Flag of south africa.PNG
36 Skid Mark Veruca Striker, formerly adored by Middlesbrough fans who are now incredibly bitter at his departure 22px-Flag of Australia.png
37 Ben Arthur God 22px-Flag of France.png
42 Cooky Chef The Heston Blumenthal of Finnish Cookery 22px-Flag of England.png
99 Spiderman Workhorse Argentina