“Their music is too contrived, and so is the cheque I got from them for having my Nazi ass star in The Wall”
“Damn...after hearing about this arse, seems 1939-1945 was a waste of time...”
“I enjoy the sensation.”
Bob Geldof (Vienna, 1932 - Lost-Somewhere-In-England-Crazy-City-Of-Drugs-Groupies-And-Violence-Upon-Tyne, 1980), 196th and last (known to history) son of Adolf Hitler, was a well renowned Nazi during the Hippies Epoch along with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He died at the age of 48 of an ecstasy overdose. His relatives claimed that the overdose occurred as a product of his self-reflection upon what he did in his miserable life (shot Jews, killed his mother, ditched his wife, etc.). Although there are rumors, especially at the Lie Factory, about Geldolf playing a role in a certain movie "The Ceiling" written by Dink Droyd, this information has never been confirmed. Geldof is most famous for his brainchild Band AIDs, where he personally went through all boysband members and gave 'em a right good bumming - especially those in Duran Duran. The DVD of Band AIDs won Best DVD at the Shockwaves NME awards in 2006, narrowly beating "Big Natural Tits 10" - which marked a resurgence in the "Big Natural Tits" series (of course never really recapturing the glory days of "Big Natural Tits 1" and "Big Natural Tits 2"), for the accolade.
Biography[edit | edit source]
As a kid, Geldolf was always very imaginative and creative, drawing stuff on walls with a black marker at the Hitler house. Although his father wanted him to become a Nazi (or a gay, but that was the second option), Geldolf dreamed of performing musical acts on scene using a guitar to play electric broomstick. At the age of 7, he attended Third Reich Elementary, in Munich, where he was taught to shoot Jewish kids, ride German bikes and kick Russian asses. This school later on played a very important role in his life, especially as the main theme for his song "Another Fuhrer in The Luftwaffe". The war started the same year, so the Hitler family moved to Berlin, Poland, where his father has gone maverick and initiated plans to take over the world, along with his German friends Pinker und die Braintz. Geldolf promised to never kill anybody, except for those annoying bedbugs and Kenny, what got Adolf angry and he sent his son to a special rehabilitation colony where the boy spent three years of WWII and seventeen years of WWIII. He returned to Berlin in October 1956.
Standing next to his father's grave, Geldolf promised to avenge the Allies (Pakistan-Argentina-Vatican) of his Pride by being a nazi greatest than his dad. Except that, pacifist by nature, Geldolf went a slightly different way than Adolf - he conquered the stage! His plan was to find a travelling circus rock-n-roll band and to join them so that he could earn his trust and respect by a stage musician performance and then, when he's everybody's favorite - propage nazism!
His first attempt was to join the Speedles, a new bhutpop band from Bhutan. He befriended Pawl Mawkkartney, a walrus on speed who ran away from the circus and started his own career. At first, performance was fine, but then, during the recording of their "Shoot and Let Linger" single, led by Geldolf, Pawl and his friends Jorje, Jans and ZergRingo StarrCraft, confessed to the young nazi that he, ahem, sucked in making peaceful and lovely themes for his songs. In joyful agony, Geldolf happily assassinated all of them with an ink pen.
In 1963, Geldolf befriended another talented guitarist, Syd Aeris Tifa Vincent Cloud Barrett (née Saddam Hussein) who had been in prison for five consecutive years for trying to plug his guitar into a public telescope to create the "Overstellar Interdrive", how he used to call it. Both dudes became good friends fast and Barrett, being very talented, suggested that Geldolf changes his name to "Bub Trrigger", which was almost what the nazi did. In fact, he changed his name to "Bob 'Holocaust' Geldof", wherein his real first name lost the "l" letter (he motivated it as not being a loser), probably to show that he isn't from his killer father -olf Hitler family. And Bob... well, Bob is Bob.
Along with Doger Wallters, Gig Skyson, Fletchard Memoright and Havid A Cigmour, Bob and Syd created the Shrink Lloyd band, which was known as The Dreaming Chabdads before 1965. Their first album, called "The Nazi At The Gates of Treblinka", appeared in January 1967 and had been a worldwide success since its release. Bob was so happy of the fame the band were earning that he killed Syd Barrett with a killamathing, who had risen from the dead in July 2006 to avenge the bastard and, finding out that Bob already died, suddenly died again, this time from diabetes.
Everybody who paid a visit to this page must have heard of their bestseller albums such as "The Dark Side of The Achtung", "Wish You Were Jew", "Einmals" and "The Heil" during the 1970's career. Those were the years the band was largely popular, minus Barrett. The best years of the famous band, etc. etc. But something must always go wrong, so did Bob's relationship with drugs. Because of his sad childhood, his miserable life and his impotency, Bob was forced to smoke ecstasy and sniff LSD to render his consciousness so fucking wasted so he could write songs. This is evident by looking at the logic order of the band's album thematics. "The Heil", the last album written, produced and played completely by Bob (the other members had a tea party at the Queen's house (The band, that is, of course! You thought I was talking about that old English bitch that had pissed about everyone already?! Oh, how could you!)). As a result of his efforts, the album, appeared in 1979 was a product of such psychedelic-hallucinogenic-strongshit-badtrip experience, that no one, except Bob himself, could see the real truth under it. Well, the important part is that after releasing the album recording, the band went on touring the World with this material. It is rumored that, during the shows, Bob would put his arms together, crossed, his fists firm on his chest, and scream: "Heil Hitler! Das mein Kampf ist!", then get a machine gun out of nowhere and kill everybody in the audience. It is also unconfirmed.
But what is confirmed is that the shows were more than successful and the public was actually finally obeying him. Bob would pass in the rows and give everyone a mauzer and a swastika. Then, when the people were stoned shit, make them think they are marching hammers and get them out of audience to bring the new Nazi army at his secret location in Bangladesh. Then recruit more and more soldier fans to make his army of unbeatable groupies with cybernetic implants to conquer the World - the one thing that his father has never achieved. An army even stronger than the Third Reich, a Death Army... Anyway, as good always wins, obviously, his plan failed. Maybe because Bob died of an overdose just before he could lead his ranks to victory, or maybe because he didn't pay his stage rentals, too busy making minions, that he was caught by The Police and killed for not complying. I won't tell you because I'm a dick. Go have a cry about it.
After his death, Doger Wallters took all the copyrights for the albums as their own and re-released them, this time full of boring "Veeera, Veera, what has beeeecome of youuuu..." shit. The original version of "The Heil", before it was renamed to "The Wall" by Doger, had only one copy left, which was buried in a Dead Man's Chest somewhere in the Carribeans. Nobody knows for sure (ask him).
Discography (notice how Geldof declines more and more into "fucked up" nazi themes with every new album)[edit | edit source]
Recently however, Geldof's life unfortunately came to an end. During a busking session he got in to a fight over an onion with a fellow nazi tramp and was mauled to death as the tramp owned a doddy shaped rotweiller.
1) The Nazi At The Gates of Treblinka (1967)
- Mir Erklären, Warum Ich Nicht Montage Mag
- Astronomy Sig Mein
- Fuhrer Sam
- Matilda Lieben
- Freud S. Gibbels B.
- Take Up Thy Mauzer And Shoot
- Interblitz Overkrieg
- The Bomb
- Operation 88
2) A Horst-Vesselful of Ammo (1968)
- Let There Die More Jews
- Remember My Face (Cuz I Will Kill You)
- Set The Controls For The Heart of Normandia
- Kaunsler Hitler
- Standartenband March
3) Propaganda from Nazi Lore (1969)
- Servile (jewish) Minor
- The Achnichliile Song
- Heiling Song
- (Please Stick It) Up My Khyber
- Red is the Colour
- Schnitzel Time
- Invasion Sequence
- Genocide as a Team
- Danzig Ain't Far
- More Jews! (Yay)
- My Prussian Niece
- Der Fuhrer's Dance Recital Theme
4) Boomadooma (1969)
- Schellenberg (Kill 1)
- Schellenberg (Kill 2)
- Schellenberg (Kill 293)
- Schellenberg (Kill 7544)
- Schellenberg (Kill 50,000,000 and happy now)
- Munich Headquarters
- Several Species of Mean Nasty Nazis Gathered Together in a Cage And People Poke At Them And Laugh Because It Is Not Good To Be So Mean To Others
- The Polish Archipelago (In)
- The Polish Archipelago (Out)
- The Polish Archipelago (Back In To Get Some Polish Sluts And Pickles)
- The Grand Fuhrer's Bathroom (Recording of Hitler Taking a Deep Shit Part One *Push! Push! Push!)
- The Grand Fuhrer's Bathroom (Recording of Hitler Taking a Deep Shit Part Two *Constipation...)
- The Grand Fuhrer's Bathroom (Recording of Hitler Taking a Deep Shit Part Three *Flushhhhhhhhhh)
5) Atom Heart Einstein (1970)
- Atom Heart Einstein
- Winter '43
- Fat Old Nucleon (Touch it and you're history)
- Hitler's Concentrated Pushing (That's right, he's in there again, poor guy...)
6) Medal (1971)
- None of These Jews (kill'em all)
- A Blanket of Swastikas
- Pearl Harbor
7) Obscured by Bundeswehr (or Clouds, don't matter) (1972)
- Killed by Moving Luftwaffe Clouds OMGZ!!
- When You're Hit (You Die)
- Burning Bridges, Homes, People, Everything... Let The Motherfucker Feir Bernz!
- The Gold It's In The... Jews! Kill Them!
- Wass... Ist Dast?!
- Bruderschaft's End
- Arrested Three
- Absolutely Kurt! Eins!
8) The Dark Side of The Achtung (1973)
- Sprechen zi Deiutsch?
- Breathe In The Air (And Let The Gas Kill You Mwa-ha-ha)
- On The Run For Five Seconds (Then You Got Shot)
- Time (a song about a German soldier who finally stops killing and realizes what he has done and what he will be at the end of the war... while recharging his gun for like a couple of seconds)
- The Great Kaputt In The Sky!!! (Yeah! His Kaputtness Is Gonna Kill You!)
- Monya (That Jew Who Managed Not To Die At First)
- Du Und Mich (a dialogue between an abandoned dying German soldier and his gun)
- Any Jew You Like (Just Pick 'Em From The List, Right, Schindler?)
- T-34 Crane Damage (I'm afraid he won't live...)
- Eclipse! (Told ya!)
9) Wish You Were Jew (1975)
- Whine On You Crazy Jew (I'll go recharge my mauzer...)
- Welcome To The Gazenwagen!!! Sweet Dreams!
- Have A Gun And Five Bullets And Go Shoot Yourself Before We Interfere
- Wish You Were Jew... (Cuz We Killed All Of Them Now And It's Boring)
- Whine On You Crazy Jew (Ha-ha, now it's loaded, bitch! Di-i-i-ie!!!)
10) Einmals (1977)
- Capitalst Pigs On Ze Ving, Fuhrer. Launching Rockets.
- Schweine (Mein Lieben Awgustin)
- Capitalist Pigs On Ze Ving Again, Fuhrer. This Time I'm Hit And Going Down. Kleine Allies!
11) The Heil (1979)
- In Ze Frusch
- Ze Thin Eis
- Another Fuhrer In The Luftwaffe
- Auf vielderzein, Martha!
- Empty Spaces For Holocaust
- Young Faust
- One Of Mein Kampfs
- Don't Liebe Now
- Heil Du
- Ist Zere Anybody Jewish Out Zere? (This Time We Really Killed All The Jews, Crap!)
- Hitler's In Da House
- Bring The Gazenwagen With You, Don't Forget You Need It As The Jews Inside Need Fresh Air
- Comfortably Bomb
- The War Must Go On
- Run Faster Than A German Bike Called "Hell", "Heil", I Mean, And Guess Why
- Waiting For Das Wurms (Reinforcement)
- Halt! I Said
- The Totenjuden
- Outside Ze Frusch
12) Das Final Schnitt (1981) *Post-released by Doger Wallters & friends
- Der Post-Krieg Traum
- Unmöglich Gepisst (a tale of woe and genocide)
- One of the Jews
- Der Führer's Return
- Das Machinengunnentraumen
- Paranoiden Jews
- Getten Sie deine filthy Handen auf mein Pudding, Arschloch!
- Das Hitler Memorial Heimat (a reflective song about Geldof's first visit to Berlin)
- Der Münchner Airbase
- Das final Schnitt
- Nicht jetzt, Eva, das ist ein important Moment for die History von diese Reich
13) A Momentary Increase of Killing (1987)
- Signs of Death
- Learning to Kill
- Der Schutzstaffel von Krieg
- One Clip (of ammunition)
- On the Turning Towards
- Actually, We're Fresh Out of Propaganda Films
- Round and Around and Around and Around and...
- A New Panzer I
- The Terminal Bullet
- A New Panzer II
- I Am Sorrow
- A New Panzer III
- A New Panzer IV
- Oh Snap, They Bombed the Factory, No New Panzers
14) The Invasion Call (1994)
- Cluster Bomb
- I Want That Land From You
- Poles Ripped Apart
- A Great Day for Enslavement
- Stabbing from Outside In
- OH JUST TRY AND TAKE THAT BACK BITCH
- I Doubt He'll Be Coming Back to Life
- Keep Killing
- Lost for Corpses
- Suppress Their High Hopes and Dreams
Notable Facts[edit | edit source]
- Bob Geldof reminds you to be funny and not just stupid. He is planning a “make stupidity history” campaign to be unveiled in the new year.
- Though Geldof has repudiated his former affiliations with Dake-Bonoism he still tithes 10% of his annual income to Dake-Bonoist missionary organizations worldwide.
- Geldof's vocabulary consists of approximately 1,000,000 words: around 10 adjectives to describe his own sense of moral superiority, and 999,990 instances of the word 'reticent.'
- Geldof's hair has achieved legendary status because it has a life of its own and has recently taken to impersonating Albert Einstein. Einstein is reportedly "pleased"
- Bob died (but rose from the dead) during his Make Poverty History, due to an uprising from the poor masses who were offended by the phrase being taken too literally.
- Geldof can't get laid anymore because every time a woman tries to seduce him, he either acts like he's gay and ignores the woman, or he suddenly goes into a breakdown, destroys everything in whatever room he's in, scares the shit out of the skanky chick he invited and then tends to scream out of broken windows (makes you wanna hang out with him, huh?).
- Aggressive laboratory tests on Rhesus monkeys have shown that Bob Geldof should actually be spelled "Bobb Geldoff". However the extra characters are often omitted for purposes of tax evasion. As a compromise, it is acceptable to pronounce the extra "B" in most Indo-European languages.
- It is believed that if the song entitled I Don't Like Mondays isn't played on a radio station somewhere in the world on every single Monday since its release, the world will implode. (That's not good)
- Geldof battles with a rare and incurable medical condition which means that all of his offspring, on reaching puberty, will become irritating and talentless wannabe Z list celebrities (with stupid names). Ozzy Osbourne and Peter Andre's mum are the only other people in the world known to suffer from this tragic affliction.
- Geldof is also known as "Pink", "Boomtown Rat" or just plain "Rat" to those who dislike him.
- Bob Geldof unwittingly served as the spokesmen for a notorious fascist group bent on conquering Britain and the larger part of Europe. This group was led by Pink Floyd. The organization's crossed hammers logo led him to believe that he was supporting the National Carpenters Guild. Oddly, no one noticed.
- Bob has his own range of aftershave, and Geldof L'Amour can often be found being sold on ebay for anything up to 50 pence.
- Bob Geldof actually comes from the German lineage of Geildorf, the city of Dusseldorf was actually called Geildorf until its people revolted and exiled the Geildorf family to muddy Ireland.