Your son

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“Please get off the computer and do something with your life!”

~ Your wife on your son's laziness

“ For fucks sake! Not on our bed!”

~ You, on your son having "humpty dumpty" in your bed

“I hate them because they won't stay out of my life, GODDAMMIT!”

~ Your son on your parenting skills

“Mom likes me more ever since he raped the cat.”

~ Your daughter on your son's sex life
Look how happy the family looks. Your son will ruin it for everyone once he's born.

No doubt about it, your son is a problem child. He was going to be your daughter, but you couldn't control the birth results — not without a coat hanger, anyway. No matter how good your son's life is, he will most likely complain endlessly throughout it. You'll eventually end up telling him that he was a mistake, because of how horribly the little bastard will turn out.

Life begins for the asshole...[edit]

By the time your son learns to talk, he'll already be an annoying, selfish prick, because he couldn't care less about how other people in the world are dying from war and disease. His first words will be "Mine, mine mine!", and he'll want you to buy every toy in Toys Я Us. In order to keep your son from crying and making a scene, you'll buy him a gay Godzilla toy that is the cheapest piece of crap you've ever seen. You'll eventually learn to only buy the cheapest toys, because they'll break every time he throws them, and then he'll just cry for "more!" When he's not busy with the latest Nintendo system, your son will run around the house breaking only your most valuable possessions, like the fine china no one uses, and the urn full of Joe DiMaggio's ashes that you bought off of eBay. Your son will always be a hyper little spazz, and there's not a damned thing you can do about it without giving him pills. Unless, of course, you want to stop feeding him — and that's a movie with only one possible ending: your sorry ass lying in a jail cell, crying for your Momma, as three large black men sing Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes at you. Yes, it's much too late to put him up for adoption now. But you have no idea how much life is going suck for the family when your son gets older.

Ungrateful little bastard[edit]

If your son looks like this, he probably already raped a cat.

The only reason your son hates you more than he used to is that you couldn't afford that car he wanted for his Sweet Sixteen. (Don't try to explain to him that Sweet Sixteens are for whiny bitchy girls. That's what your son probably is, anyway.) Your son repeatedly exclaims he's going to kill himself, even though he's not emo. No matter how ridiculously angry and stubborn he gets, it's a bad idea to tease him by asking if he's having his period, because that'll just make him throw a tantrum. Although your son doesn't know how good he's got it, his sex life sucks. He's constantly looking at weird fetish-porn sites that are so nasty, it makes you want to tie him into burlap bag and drop him down a manhole. He'll never have a girlfriend, so whatever you do, never leave him home alone with the computer. The mouse will be sweaty, sticky and smell like shit, and the computer will have hundreds of new viruses. You'll find out how desperate your son is when you notice that your pets have oddly-distended anuses and shriek with terror when he walks into the room. From that point on, you'll start keeping your daughter at a safe distance from your son at all times.

Your son the lazy druggie[edit]

You and the rest of the world can see he's white, but your son thinks he's Ziggy Marley.
If your son does end up going to college, the only thing he'll bring will be a poster of his favorite movie.

After returning home from months of rehab, your son will admit that doing cocaine was a "bad idea", and move on to marijuana. He'll spend countless hours in his bedroom — not sleeping, though. Oh, no. He's just getting high off the pot he bought from one of his dropped-out-of-high-school friends. Your son is an anarchist, atheist, marijuana-smoking son of a bitch who doesn't care about anyone else except himself. He already does nothing to help around the house, except eat all the food in the fridge. And if your groceries are too expensive as it is, don't let his friends come over. They'll rob you blind, leave roach butts lying about, and devour whatever food your son didn't already consume. In the process, they'll show you just as much respect as your son does — which, of course, is "none". By now, your son is done with the wigger look, and wears beanies and tie-dyed shirts and calls everyone "brah", as if the whole world is his friend. In truth, the only people who even know he exists foster a burning hatred for him, and would love nothing more than to feed him head-first to a giant millipede. But he doesn't know that, and telling him will just make him whine that you're "like, harshing my mellow, maaan!". I bet you can't wait for him to leave home and go to college, but I've got news for you: when he gets there, he'll just hang out at the "quad", playing hackey-sack and smoking pot with all the other pot-headed idiots who spend their semesters cultivating sativa in their dorm closets.

30 years Later...[edit]

This is your son's crowning achievement. Oh, the humanity!

Congratulations! Your son is no longer a pot-head, and he's cut ties with all of his dumb-ass friends. In fact, he has no friends at all and lives in your basement. It doesn't really matter whether he went to college or not, because he never had a job and never will. All he does is sit at the computer and write shitty articles for Uncyclopedia, and chat with strippers on live web cams, running up your credit card bill in the process. (Smart move on your part, by the way. I can see where he got his genius.) Every once in a while, your son leaves the house with a fist-full of your money to see an "old friend". He promises he'll pay you back for all that cash, but you know he never will. At some point, the police will show up at your house with a warrant for your son's arrest. When he gets back from jail, you'll have to move because your son will have a fancy new restriction issued by the state: he won't be allowed within 2 miles of an elementary school. Too bad, sucker. You'll never have that doctor or lawyer you were hoping for. I guess you should've gone to town with that coat hanger, back when you had the chance, huh?

See also[edit]

"Family members"
Parents and children: My mother - Your mother - My father - Your father - Parents - My daughter - Your daughter - My son - Your son

Siblings and half-siblings: My sister - Your sister - My brother - Your brother - My half-sister - Your half-sister - My half-brother - Your half-brother

Grandparents and grandchildren: My grandmother - Your grandmother - Your grandmother of underwear - My grandfather - Your grandfather - My granddaughter - Your granddaughter - My grandson - Your grandson

Too much ancestors and descendants: My great-grandmother - Your great-grandmother - My great-grandfather - Your great-grandfather - My great-granddaughter - Your great-granddaughter - My great-grandson - Your great-grandson - My great-great-grandmother - Your great-great-grandmother - My great-great-grandfather - Your great-great-grandfather - My great-great-granddaughter - Your great-great-granddaughter - My great-great-grandson - Your great-great-grandson - My great-great-great-grandmother - Your great-great-great-grandmother - My great-great-great-grandfather - Your great-great-great-grandfather - My great-great-great-granddaughter - Your great-great-great-granddaughter - My great-great-great-grandson - Your great-great-great-grandson

Collateral relatives: My aunt - Your aunt - My uncle - Your uncle - My niece - Your niece - My nephew - Your nephew - My grandaunt - Your grandaunt - My granduncle - Your granduncle - My grandniece - Your grandniece - My grandnephew - Your grandnephew - My great-grandaunt - Your great-grandaunt - My great-granduncle - Your great-granduncle - My great-grandniece - Your great-grandniece - My great-grandnephew - Your great-grandnephew - My great-great-grandaunt - Your great-great-grandaunt - My great-great-granduncle - Your great-great-granduncle - My great-great-grandniece - Your great-great-grandniece - My great-great-grandnephew - Your great-great-grandnephew - My half-aunt - Your half-aunt - My half-uncle - Your half-uncle - My half-niece - Your half-niece - My half-nephew - Your half-nephew - My half-grandaunt - Your half-grandaunt - My half-granduncle - Your half-granduncle - My half-grandniece - Your half-grandniece - My half-grandnephew - Your half-grandnephew

Friends: My friend - Your friend - My best friend - Your best friend

Members of the family who we have no opinion: My 1C1R - Your 1C1R - My 1C2R - Your 1C2R - My aunt-in-law - Your aunt-in-law - My uncle-in-law - Your uncle-in-law - My niece-in-law - Your niece-in-law - My nephew-in-law - Your nephew-in-law - My grandaunt-in-law - Your grandaunt-in-law - My granduncle-in-law - Your granduncle-in-law - My grandniece-in-law - Your grandniece-in-law - My grandnephew-in-law - Your grandnephew-in-law - My stepaunt - Your stepaunt - My stepuncle - Your stepuncle - My stepgrandaunt - Your stepgrandaunt - My stepgranduncle - Your stepgranduncle - My stepniece - Your stepniece - My stepnephew - Your stepnephew - My stepgrandniece - Your stepgrandniece - My stepgrandnephew - Your stepgrandnephew - My co-aunt-in-law - Your co-aunt-in-law - My co-uncle-in-law - Your co-uncle-in-law - My co-niece-in-law - Your co-niece-in-law - My co-nephew-in-law - Your co-nephew-in-law - My grandaunt-in-law - Your co-grandaunt-in-law - My co-granduncle-in-law - Your co-granduncle-in-law - My co-grandniece-in-law - Your co-grandniece-in-law - My co-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-grandnephew-in-law - My half-1C1R - Your half-1C1R - My sesqui-1C1R - Your sesqui-1C1R - My double-1C1R - Your double-1C1R - My 1C1R-in-law - Your 1C1R-in-law - My half-1C1R-in-law - Your half-1C1R-in-law - My sesqui-1C1R-in-law - Your sesqui-1C1R-in-law - My double-1C1R-in-law - Your double-1C1R-in-law - My co-1C1R-in-law - Your co-1C1R-in-law - My half-co-1C1R-in-law - Your half-co-1C1R-in-law - My sesqui-co-1C1R-in-law - Your sesqui-co-1C1R-in-law - My double-co-1C1R-in-law - Your double-co-1C1R-in-law - My stepaunt-in-law - Your stepaunt-in-law - My stepuncle-in-law - Your stepuncle-in-law - My stepgrandaunt-in-law - Your stepgrandaunt-in-law - My stepgranduncle-in-law - Your stepgranduncle-in-law - My stepniece-in-law - Your stepniece-in-law - My stepnephew-in-law - Your stepnephew-in-law - My stepgrandniece-in-law - Your stepgrandniece-in-law - My stepgrandnephew-in-law - Your stepgrandnephew-in-law - My co-stepaunt-in-law - Your co-stepaunt-in-law - My co-stepuncle-in-law - Your co-stepuncle-in-law - My co-stepgrandaunt-in-law - Your co-stepgrandaunt-in-law - My co-stepgranduncle-in-law - Your co-stepgranduncle-in-law - My co-stepniece-in-law - Your co-stepniece-in-law - My co-stepnephew-in-law - Your co-stepnephew-in-law - My co-stepgrandniece-in-law - Your co-stepgrandniece-in-law - My co-stepgrandnephew-in-law - Your co-stepgrandnephew-in-law - My 1C2R-in-law - Your 1C2R-in-law - My co-1C2R-in-law - Your co-1C2R-in-law - My 2C1R - Your 2C1R - My 2C1R-in-law - Your 2C1R-in-law - My co-2C1R-in-law - Your co-2C1R-in-law - My great-grandaunt-in-law - Your great-grandaunt-in-law - My great-granduncle-in-law - Your great-granduncle-in-law - My great-grandniece-in-law - Your great-grandniece-in-law - My great-grandnephew-in-law - Your great-grandnephew-in-law - My co-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your co-great-grandaunt-in-law - My co-great-granduncle-in-law - Your co-great-granduncle-in-law - My co-great-grandniece-in-law - Your co-great-grandniece-in-law - My co-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-great-grandnephew-in-law - My step-1C1R - Your step-1C1R - My step-1C1R-in-law - Your step-1C1R-in-law - My co-step-1C1R-in-law - Your first co-step-1C1R-in-law - My great-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your great-great-grandaunt-in-law - My great-great-granduncle-in-law - Your great-great-granduncle-in-law - My great-great-grandniece-in-law - Your great-great-grandniece-in-law - My great-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your great-great-grandnephew-in-law - My co-great-great-grandaunt-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandaunt-in-law - My co-great-great-granduncle-in-law - Your co-great-great-granduncle-in-law - My co-great-great-grandniece-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandniece-in-law - My co-great-great-grandnephew-in-law - Your co-great-great-grandnephew-in-law - My 1C3R - Your 1C3R - My 1C3R-in-law - Your 1C3R-in-law - My co-1C3R-in-law - Your co-1C3R-in-law - My 2C2R - Your 2C2R - My 2C2R-in-law - Your 2C2R-in-law - My co-2C2R-in-law - Your co-2C2R-in-law - My 3C1R - Your 3C1R - My 3C1R-in-law - Your 3C1R-in-law - My co-3C1R-in-law - Your co-3C1R-in-law

Members of the family for sexual bitching: My cousin - Your cousin - My girlfriend - Your girlfriend - My fiancée - Your fiancée - My wife - Your wife - Lover - Hook up - Affair - Crush - Boyfriend - Fiancé - Husband - My sister-in-law - Your sister-in-law - My brother-in-law - Your brother-in-law - My co-sister-in-law - Your co-sister-in-law - My co-brother-in-law - Your co-brother-in-law - My cousin-in-law - Your cousin-in-law - My co-cousin-in-law - Your co-cousin-in-law - My stepsister - Your stepsister - My stepbrother - Your stepbrother - My stepcousin - Your stepcousin - My 2C - My 2C - My secretary - Your secretary - My intern - Your intern - My stepsister-in-law - Your stepsister-in-law - My stepbrother-in-law - Your stepbrother-in-law - My co-stepsister-in-law - Your co-stepsister-in-law - My co-stepbrother-in-law - Your co-stepbrother-in-law - My half-cousin - Your half-cousin - My sesqui-cousin - Your sesqui-cousin - My double-cousin - Your double-cousin - My half-sister-in-law - Your half-sister-in-law - My half-brother-in-law - Your half-brother-in-law - My half-co-sister-in-law - Your half-co-sister-in-law - My half-co-brother-in-law - Your half-co-brother-in-law - My half-2C - Your half-2C - My sesqui-2C - Your sesqui-2C - My double-2C - Your double-2C - My sester-2C - Your sester-2C - My triple-2C - Your triple-2C - My sesqua-2C - Your sesqua-2C - My quadruple-2C - Your quadruple-2C - My 2C-in-law - Your 2C-in-law - My co-2C-in-law - Your co-2C-in-law - My stepcousin-in-law - Your stepcousin-in-law - My co-stepcousin-in-law - Your co-stepcousin-in-law - My half-cousin-in-law - Your half-cousin-in-law - My sesqui-cousin-in-law - Your sesqui-cousin-in-law - My double-cousin-in-law - Your double-cousin-in-law - My half-co-cousin-in-law - Your half-co-cousin-in-law - My sesqui-co-cousin-in-law - Your sesqui-co-cousin-in-law - My double-co-cousin-in-law - Your double-co-cousin-in-law - My step-2C - Your step-2C - My 3C - Your 3C - My 3C-in-law - Your 3C-in-law - My co-3C-in-law - Your co-3C-in-law - My step-2C-in-law - Your step-2C-in-law - My co-step-2C-in-law - Your co-step-2C-in-law - My 4C - Your 4C - My 4C-in-law - Your 4C-in-law - My co-4C-in-law - Your co-4C-in-law

Members of the family that came from hell: My mother-in-law - Your mother-in-law - My father-in-law - Your father-in-law - My stepmother - Your stepmother - My stepfather - Your stepfather - My co-mother-in-law - Your co-mother-in-law - My co-father-in-law - Your co-father-in-law - My daughter-in-law - Your daughter-in-law - My son-in-law - My son-in-law - My stepdaughter - Your stepdaughter - My stepson - Your stepson - My stepmother-in-law - Your stepmother-in-law - My stepfather-in-law - Your stepfather-in-law - My stepgrandmother - Your stepgrandmother - My stepgrandfather - Your stepgrandfather - My step-great-grandmother - Your step-great-grandmother - My step-great-grandfather - Your step-great-grandfather - My step-great-great-grandmother - Your step-great-great-grandmother - My step-great-great-grandfather - Your step-great-great-grandfather - My stepgranddaughter - Your stepgranddaughter - My stepgrandson - Your stepgrandson - My stepdaughter-in-law - Your stepdaughter-in-law - My stepson-in-law - Your stepson-in-law - My step-great-granddaughter - Your step-great-granddaughter - My step-great-grandson - Your step-great-grandson - My step-great-great-granddaughter - Your step-great-great-granddaughter - My step-great-great-grandson - Your step-great-great-grandson - My apartment manager - Your apartment manager - My neighbor - Your neighbor - My ex-girlfriend - Your ex-girlfriend - My ex-fiancée - Your ex-fiancée - My ex-wife - Your ex-wife - Ex-boyfriend - Ex-fiancé - Ex-husband - My enemy - Your enemy - Ex-love of current love - Current love of ex-love - My ex-friend - Your ex-friend - My boss - Your boss - My co-aunt - Your co-aunt - My co-uncle - Your co-uncle - My grandmother-in-law - Your grandmother-in-law - My grandfather-in-law - Your grandfather-in-law - My granddaughter-in-law - Your granddaughter-in-law - My grandson-in-law - Your grandson-in-law - My great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-grandmother-in-law - My great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-grandfather-in-law - My great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-grandson-in-law - Your great-grandson-in-law - My great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-great-grandmother-in-law - My great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-great-grandfather-in-law - My great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-great-grandson-in-law - Your great-great-grandson-in-law - My stepgrandmother-in-law - Your stepgrandmother-in-law - My stepgrandfather-in-law - Your stepgrandfather-in-law - My step-great-grandmother-in-law - Your step-great-grandmother-in-law - My step-great-grandfather-in-law - Your step-great-grandfather-in-law - My step-great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandmother-in-law - My step-great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandfather-in-law - My stepgranddaughter-in-law - Your stepgranddaughter-in-law - My stepgrandson-in-law - Your stepgrandson-in-law - My step-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your step-great-granddaughter-in-law - My step-great-grandson-in-law - Your step-great-grandson-in-law - My step-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your step-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My step-great-great-grandson-in-law - Your step-great-great-grandson-in-law - My great-great-great-grandmother-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandmother-in-law - My great-great-great-grandfather-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandfather-in-law - My great-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - Your great-great-great-granddaughter-in-law - My great-great-great-grandson-in-law - Your great-great-great-grandson-in-law

Adopted members of the family: My adopted-mother - Your adopted-mother - My adopted-father - Your adopted-father - My adopted-sister - Your adopted-sister - My adopted-brother - Your adopted-brother - My adopted-daughter - Your adopted-daughter - My adopted-son - Your adopted-son

Other members of the family: My godmother - Your godmother - My godfather - Your godfather - My goddaughter - Your goddaughter - My godson - Your godson - My housekeeper - Your housekeeper - My teacher - Your teacher - My nanny - Your nanny - My coworker - Your coworker - My classmate - Your classmate - My lawyer - Your lawyer - My doctor - Your doctor

Pets: My dog - Your dog - My cat - Your cat - My parrot - Your parrot - My hamster - Your hamster - My turtle - Your turtle - My crocodile - Your crocodile - My snake - Your snake - My fish - Your fish

Relateds: You - I