Abortion

The coat hanger is widely regarded as the ideal tool for "a quick and painless" abortion.

Abortion is a simple, quick, and painless medical procedure in which an unwanted fetus is removed from its mother and discarded. It has been known to cause an intense, euphoric sensation in women, and therefore was the most popular non-surgical medical procedure in America. Once a woman has had her first abortion, it becomes incredibly addictive and for some a life long dragon chase.

Early-term abortions were invented circa 4,000BC in Babylon. As civilization expanded, so did unwanted babies. All sorts of methods were used including shoving counting sticks into the womb, jumping off the tower of Babel and cursing the God of pregnancy in a temple. Most of this lead to death by womb bleeding, splatting on the ground or a religion mob beating. The result though was successful, one less baby in the world that would have been resented.

Late-term operations were invented by socialists in the 20th century, people who hate family values and want babies to suffer the most severe pain during their fetal butchery. In the Soviet Union, the most zealous atheist abortionists would wait until the woman's water broke and have their way with a scalple, as though they inserted a braun blender inside, to ensure maximum fetal discomfort.

Thankfully, capitalism and American freedom won, and to celebrate that freedom, conservatives have valiantly fought back and slowly taken away the right for women to choose what to do with their body. There is no way to better celebrate the triumph of libery over socialism than to tell women precisely what they cannot do with something growing inside of them. Amen.

Origins

The car commonly believed to have been used in the first ever late-term abortion. Lack of evidence of its existence somehow proves ... something.

While abortions have been occurring outside of hospitals for years, medically assisted abortions began in the late 20th century, when feminists began looking for something else to do in their spare time. Since voting differently from their husbands became boring quickly and getting their hair styled differently every six months gets banal, the idea of killing feti arose as an alternative to the mundanity of women's liberation.

Roe v Wade

The decision to legalize abortion received a mixed reaction from the American population: joy at the legalization of abortion, and disappointment that people coulnd't have abortions after the children were born. It turns out, that highly traditional human beings won't permit the termination of a fetus when the child is now a functioning five year old. We have so much progress to make.

In popular culture

Sometimes doctors prepare feti with a sweet pepper sauce and serve them with broccoli.

Abortions became popular after it became a routine event for popular women such as the Spice Girls, TicTockers and Madonna. Abortions have become a regular part of a young girl's life. For many, having one's first abortion is a ceremonious occasion.

Among abortion enthusiasts an unofficial lexicon of various abortion-related phrases used in casual situations. Slang words include:

• Getting "scraped" The act of having an abortion. The fetus is scraped out of the womb like some troublesome chunk of tuna you cannot get out of a can into the cat's food bowl. Even the most stubborn remnants can get scraped eventually.
• Goo, junk, dead baby syrup The disgusting, foul, chewed-up remains of a fetus after being sucked out of a woman's vagina. No, this should not be put on pancakes.
• Going in hot The act of bringing an outside beverage, usually a coffee, into the clinic to enjoy while having an abortion. Pumpkin spice latte is particularly popular for autumn abortions. Most girls aim for an autumn abortion to enjoy the mix of spiced latte with an atumnal "scraping". It's the perfect combination.
• Prairie dog A fetus that is partially aborted for a significant period of time that takes quite a struggle to fully get out. This is not considered ideal unless the person getting the abortion is an attention seeker and hopes to recant their "traumatic" abortion story afterwards.
• Doggie bag The trash bag into which the remains of the fetus are scraped. Some clinics allow women to bring home the doggie bag to their German Shepherds.

The nozzle on this model is designed to ensure that no dead baby syrup remains in the vagina after the abortion is complete.

Innovations

In recent years many advances have been made in abortion technology, which has led to breakthroughs in the speed, comfort, and cost effectiveness of abortions. Such innovations include the vacuum cleaner, which was first applied in abortion clinics in the early 1970s. The whirr of the machine, the rough, jarring suction, and the soulless face of the nozzle all make for an exciting experience for the no-longer-expectant mothers. Doctors and clinic-goers alike praise the Vag‑Vac™ as being "truly beautiful ... a work of art."

Other innovations in abortion include comfortable recliner seats with cupholders, and membership cards similar to those at recreation centers for speedy check‑ins.

Recently, ways to recycle the fetus have been conceptualized and subsequently commercialized. The most notable example of this is Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic™, which uses feti instead of inhumanely grown meat in its burgers.

The abortion of abortion rights

Dobbs v Jackson Women's Health Organization

In 2018 a really annoying incel named Greg became jealous when he realized how much fun all these women were having doing abortions. He personally asked the state of Mississippi to pass a law restricting abortion, and because their legislators are illiterate, they did. This led to an abortion clinic's suing the state of Mississippi, and the case eventually was brought before the United States Supreme Court in 2021. During the hearing, when Justice Amy Coney Barrett learned she'd pushed out like fifteen kids that she could have aborted, she became extra bitchy, so she teamed up with misogynists Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, plus two rapists to allow states to ban abortions.

The release of this ruling in 2022 officially aborted all abortions in the United States. It also killed feminism and unleashed the shrieks of ten million banshees upon America.

With this swift collapse of Roe v. Wade, feminists who'd spent decades insisting abortion was all about freedom and not overpopulation instantly pivoted to "there'll be too many babies".

Americans everywhere slapped their heads in disbelief.

So, what happens to abortion in America now? Tune in to next week's episode of Everything is Terrible to find out!

Most mothers are too busy enjoying their abortion to care where feti go – something abortion doctors count on.

Public opinion

Abortion is wildly popular in the United States. Many churches and other Christian organizations have come out in support of the procedure, citing its merit as an opportunity to engage in constructive fellowship with one's friends, as long as it keeps them from committing adultery. Catholics praise abortion as "a safe, practical alternative to contraceptives"; however, they condemn its pleasurable side effects as "potentially dangerous, leading to extreme temptation". Bill Donohue, president of the American Catholic League and generally good person, finds that abortion "advances our crusade against condoms in a positive way".

Some liberal activists, however, disapprove of abortion. Senator Hilary Clinton is staunchly anti-abortion, claiming that abortion is the equivalent of murder. "Besides," she said once as she was getting back into her Hummer H2. "God does not approve of abortion."