Yuri Zhirkov

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Yuri Zhirkov
Y-Zhirkov.jpg
Zkirkov, possibly jerking someone off
Born Yuri Valentinovich Zhirkov
(1983-08-20) August 20, 1983 (age 37)
Wankers Corner, Oregon
Nationality Russian
Occupation Football, walking innuendo.
Known for Surname

Yuri Valentinovich Zhirkov (Ю́рий Валенти́нович Жирко́в; born 20 August 1983) is a Russian footballer who plays for Zenit Saint Petersburg and who illuminated the Euro 2008 tournament for many English speakers, because his surname sounds exactly like "jerk off".[1]

Euro 2008 stats[edit]

Part of Russia's surprise success story at Euro 2008, Zhirkov was actually named in UEFA's team of the tournament.

Freekicks won Freekicks conceded Yellow cards Shots on target Assists Innuendos
11 13 2 2 1 421

All-time Best Surname XI[edit]

In 2019, Zhirkov's place in immortality was secured when he was named in FIFA's All-time Best Surname XI, beating off stiff competition from David Goodwillie, André Muff and Ralf Minge.

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Possible puns[edit]

As a roving left-back, Zhirkov occupied territory all over the field, fulfilling both defensive and attacking duties, and offering SteveMcClaren.jpgdespondent England fans a range of opportunities to make puns.

Opportunities based on passes[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Yuri Zhirkov.
  • Semak, with plenty of time and space, to Jerk Off...
  • Pavlyuchenko, such a tricky player, you never where he's going, to Jerk Off...
  • Semshov, slides it down the line to Jerk Off, comes inside the Spanish fullback but can't get the final ball in!
  • Zyryanov, spreading it wide to Jerk Off.
  • David Villa is down and the Russians are not likely to want to help him. Jerk Off...
  • Kolodin on the ball now, with Russia looking well set. To Jerk Off...
  • If anyone can nick them a goal, Pavlyuchenko can. Jerk Off...
  • Semshov ... The men on the pitch are going to have to win it, because all their subs have been used. To Jerk Off... Pavlyuchenko.
  • They're trailing 3-0 now, so even if it's not in the Russians' DNA to attack, they must. Jerk Off...

Opportunities based on shots and crosses[edit]

A fan who said yes to the question "Zhirkov on your back?"

Given the tendency of English commentators to scream players' names when they shoot or cross, Zhirkov's name could often be converted into an imperative, as if they were ordering the players to masturbate.

  • Jerk Off! High and wide and mighty!
  • Jerk Off! Into the crowd!
  • Jerk Off! That's ended up in row Z.
  • Jerk Off! My, there were a lot of Russian bodies in the penalty area.
  • Jerk Off! Over the bar!
  • Pavlyuchenko slips it out to Jerk Off! Mellberg! What a tackle!
  • Jerk Off! Right into Casillas' waiting arms!
  • The chance came to Jerk Off but he couldn't finish.

Misc[edit]

  • Jerk Off, with Greece looking vulnerable.
  • The holders haven't quite let go, but their grip is loosening... to Jerk Off.
  • The Swedes are not liking it when the Russians manage to get it behind them to Jerk Off.
  • One thing's for sure, Guus Hiddink will pick whoever he wants to. Jerk Off...
  • Zlatan Ibrahimović must have said something to him, to Jerk Off, I think.
  • And Akinfeev, the goalkeeper, just absolutely flew into Jerk Off, his own man!
  • This is a dangerous position. Jerk Off standing over the ball.
  • Edwin van der Sar tosses it straight to Jerk Off.
  • Russia have made it to the semifinals where nobody thought they would. Jerk Off...
  • I thought Torres was going to score, but he ran right into Jerk Off.
  • Jerk Off one of the defenders of the tournament.
  • The first time I saw him, Jerk off, I knew he had something special.

Puns with Andrey Arshavin[edit]

One miraculous thing about Russia's Euro 2008 squad is that alongside Zhirkov, they boasted Andrey Arshavin, a man whose surname was a reasonable approximation of "arse shaving".[2]

  • Anyukov does well, to Jerk Off to Arse Shaving...
  • Everything good about Russia starts with Arse Shaving... now Jerk Off...
  • Arse and all manager Arse and Wenger is said to be interested in Arse Shaving and is here to watch him... Jerk Off, his Zenit teammate.

Time at Chelsea[edit]

Before the 2009-10 season, Zhirkov signed for an English club, Chelsea, allowing rival fans to say that Roman Abramovich had "spunked" £18m on Zhirkov, or later that he never "came good" for Chelsea, and, less subtly, that his time at the club was "a big fat pile of hairy wank."

It also allowed jokers working in the name/number printing section of the club shop to ask fans: "Zhirkov on your back?"

Footnotes[edit]