Lionel Andréa Messi, (born 24 June 2002 in Khazad-dûm, Qatar), also known as Pionel Vardres Pessi Uefattini is a
shitty (THE GREATEST - GOAT GOAT GOAT GOAT GOAT GOAT) football player who currently plays for Nasser Al-Khelaifi, leader of the Intergalactic Football Federation, and the Albanian national team as a forward or winger and sometimes as goalie, as well as a professional broker. Experts predict that the day when Messi will play as all eleven men is coming nearer by the second. Considered one of the best midget football players of his generation, Messi shows it by his great skill with and without the ball, leading many people, as well as the great Maradona, to proclaim him as his successor, despite overtaking this status from Javier Saviola.
Career[edit | edit source]
Messi is a 35-year-old with the height of 5`6 feet and only one foot and plays for the prestigious S̶p̶a̶n̶i̶s̶h̶ [This text was censored by the Basque government] Catalonian club FC Uefalona . Due to his unusual unipedal agility and movement off the ball he was noticed at the age of 3 FC Uefalona, a ridiculously wealthy corporation run by The Man, who noticed his talent with his left foot. This happened following an incident when, "A stray football hit his baby capsule and he precisely volleyed it straight back where it came from with perfect backspin," a very reliable source stated.
By the time he was six, Messi had (unknowingly) reached his peak height and burst into the youth team at Uefalona a few years later. Messi's unique unipedal footballing nature which gave him the ability to dodge the mindless tackles of brutish (probably English) defenders grabbed the attention of people high up in FC Uefalona's management and he was consequently added to the first team. His Spanish First Division debut was against a team that nobody cares about and thus the name has been widely forgotten worldwide. Netting a few goals whilst displaying his unearthly talent gave the team fans high hopes that when he grew taller he would be able to display his talent on the world stage. Unfortunately, the only part of him that continued to grow was his hair, which seems to contain a natural layer of grease or other lubricant making heading the ball accurately extremely difficult.
Skills, if you can call them[edit | edit source]
- Defenders are mind controlled by Messi, but also he either ties their shoelaces together at half-time, or reads really bad German poetry to them as a distraction.
- Messi's most outstanding "skill" is his ability to maneuver his body at high velocity using only one foot whilst controlling a ball. How he accomplishes such a feat with one foot is a feat beyond modern science.
- Being possibly the best football player in the world and yet not being an asshole about it (unlike Cristiano Ronaldo).
Life outside football[edit | edit source]
Outside of football Messi's life is a bit different to that of everyday people. He is required to use assistance such as booster seats and stools for reaching high shelves. This is the price he must pay for being Maradona's (secret) son. Messi has become an ambassador for short statured people who think that other people hate them or even give them a second thought. Apart from being the son of Maradona, he is rumored to be the twin brother of Severus Greasball Snape.
He also is a fan of the Golden Generation of Football, composed by players like Paulie Labilson Pogbinha, Christopher "THE GOAT" Nkunku, Ramala Lakaka, Shkodran Mustafi, Philip Jones III of England, HARRY MAGUIRE!!! and the prince Harry (the bald, or is William?).
Further proof of his heritage[edit | edit source]
As mentioned before, Messi's skill at hand-balling represent Maradona's infamous 'Hand of God'. We can now safely say that Messi is in fact the son of Maradona. Many Argentinians believe that because of this he is equal to Pesus, but it can be hard to understand why because Spanish is too complicated.
Messi again confirmed that she is Maradona's son when he copied Maradona's famous World Cup goal touch for touch by running half of the field through players to score with his LEFT FOOT. Plus they have both played for Uefalona, with jersey number 10. Think about it.
Early Career as a Paper-boy[edit | edit source]
When he was young he worked as a paper-boy, delivering papers throughout Buenos Aires, where there are no road rules. I always thought Buenos Aires was in Finland. I am going to kill that idiotic bar owner. Many of his fanboy cult believe that he developed his superb evasive abilities by dodging and diving away from crazy Spanish taxi drivers with huge moustaches for hours every morning.
Why Heskey is better than Messi[edit | edit source]
- Heskey has never missed a penalty, Messi has.
- Heskey has 61 caps for England, Messi has 0.
- Heskey has scored 7 goals for England, Messi has 0.
- Heskey has scored 100+ goals in the Premier League, Messi has never scored in it.
- Heskey undoubtedly has a larger cock than Messi.
- Heskey is black, Messi isn't.
- Heskey's feet are size 15, Messi's are a tiny size 10.
- Emile's shots go out for throw-ins, Messi'......s don't.
- Heskey's girlfriend is considerably sexier than Messi's girlfriend.
- Heskey misses a lot because he doesn't want to upset the goalkeepers feelings, Messi just scores all the time because he's a twat.
- Heskey has played in more World Cups than Messi.
- Emile has played for more clubs than Messi, meaning he is more versatile.
- Heskey has been bought for bigger transfers fee than Messi ever has.
- Heskey quite clearly has a better haircut than Messi.
- Messi played shit in the Champions League Semi Final against Chelsea, Heskey didn't.
- Heskey has never had a bad game in La Liga, Messi has.
- Heskey weighs much more than Messi, making him the better man.
- Heskey can play without Xavi and Iniesta.
- Heskey changes clubs regularly, as he wants to give everyone a chance with his brilliance, Messi just stays at Uefalona.
- Heskey has better strength, heading accuracy and aggression on FIFA 12 (the only attributes that matter).
- Heskey has played more times in the Euro's than Messi.
- Heskey's middle name is 'William Ivanhoe', which is far better and cooler than Messi's middle name 'Andrés'.
- Heskey has had shit managers such as Alex McLeish and Steve Bruce, whereas Messi has had Pep Guardiola
- Heskey can play at centre back, Messi can't.
Facts (about Messi)[edit | edit source]
- His nose is in-fact normal size, it just appears big on him.
- Some people think that his hair is the key to his abilities, much like Samson.
- He has a HUGE left index finger. No one knows why...
- He does not know that he is playing football... He is merely in his sleep. When he is awake he works for Lidl.
- Messi was selected to be a background character as a hobbit in the film production The Fellowship of the Ring.
- His hair is cut very much by himself.
- 'Messi' is short for 'messiah', meaning that he is God.
See also[edit | edit source]
Association football • Can Soccer • English Football Fans • FIFA • Fitba • Final Fantasy Football • Football • Football Focus • Football hooliganism • Football in India • Footy • Goal celebration • Grandmasterchampionship • Major League Soccer • Professional Footballers' Association • Referee • Scottish Sports • Soccer • Soccer mom
Alan Hansen • Amadou Konte • Arjen Robben • Barry Ferguson • Christian Dailly • Craig Foster • David Beckham • David Icke • David James • Didier Drogba • Diego Maradona • Duncan Ferguson • Eden Hazard • Edgar Davids • Eric Cantona • Fernando Torres • Frank Lampard • Gabriel Agbonlahor • Gary Neville • Georgios Samaras • Gheorghe Hagi • Gordon Ramsay • Grzegorz Rasiak • Hertz Van Rental • Iker Casillas • Joey Barton • Lionel Messi • Mark Lawrenson • Michael Owen • Nwankwo Kanu • Paul Gascoigne • Paul Hartley • Pelé • Peter Crouch • Peter Schmeichel • Rio Ferdinand • Robert Green • Roberto Carlos • Robinho • Shimon Peres • Stern John • Steve Staunton • Steven Gerrard • Teddy Sheringham • Thierry Henry • Yuri Zhirkov • Zinedine Zidane
Alan Sugar • Alex Ferguson • Alex McLeish • Arsene Wenger • Avram Grant • Berti Vogts • Delia Smith • Elton John • Fabio Capello • Graham Poll • Harry Redknapp • Ian Holloway • Jose Mourinho • Lawrie Sanchez • Mick McCarthy • Owain Glyndwr's Footy Manager • Rafael Benítez • Ray Stubbs • Roy Keane • Sepp Blatter • Silvio Berlusconi • Steve McClaren • Sven-Göran Eriksson
A.S. Roma • AFC Ajax • A-League • Aston Villa F.C. • Biggleswade F.C. • Bolton Wanderers F.C. • Derby County FC • Dublin Drunken Popes • FC Frisco • Fulham F.C. • Greys Athletic F.C. • Leigh Genesis F.C. • Londres • Manchester City • Newcastle United • Norwich City F.C. • Pompeii F.C. • Sandwell Town • Seattle Sounders FC • Sunderland AFC • Sydney FC • Tartan Army • The Super League of Extraordinary Gentlemen • Wigan Warriors
Ancient Football World Cup • Croft Park • FIFA Middle Earth Cup • Football War • The Ferguson-Wenger Wager • The Liverpool Beach Ball • The World Cup • UEFA Champions League • UnReviews:FIFA 10 • Vuvuzela • World Cup Germany 2006
2010 FIFA Middle Earth Cup soon to begin • America: Oh, You mean 'Soccer'! • Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! • Capello identifies key 'ingredients' to success • Celtic F.C. sign youth player in transfer mix-up • Dutch clogs no match for Spanish bull • English excuse for not winning the 2010 football World Cup is revealed • F.C. Blatter win the FIFA Crony Cup again • Fabio Capello 'sleeping with the fishes' in brutal slaying • Fifa turns down English replay plea • Footballer has sex with wife • Football's ten worst sinners • France avenges World Cup defeat • Gatorade source contaminated, US economy collapses, Brits follow suit • Gay men banned from playing soccer in high altitudes • Germany Plans invasion of Spain, Netherlands next? • Jabulani ball causes more distress • Jesus given one-year ban • Luis Suarez's good food guide • Massive stadium brawl breaks out over contemporary solipsist philosophy • New sports crime tribunal to try England's football flops • North Korea purge football team after 7-0 humiliation • Paul the Octopus considers offer from Uncyclopedia • Pope wore a German football shirt as he watched Argentina lose in World Cup • Psychic Octopus to be offered new identity if Spain lose World Cup final • Referees again dictate outcome of match • Scientists dampen World Cup enthusiasm by concluding football really is just 22 men running around a field chasing a ball • Soccer fans shun art for hookers • Soccer game ends in tie • Soccer-playing abortion doctor goes for the death-threat trifecta • South Africa to change name to Vuvuzela • Stan Marsh presents: 2022 FIFA World Cup • Television commentators stock up with clichés for World Cup Final today • The football is over • United States robbed of World Cup • World Cup Fever leads to mass pneumonia • Zidane welcome in Spain: A new challenge for matadors