Craig Foster

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The Man Himself.

Craig Foster is a retired soccer player who now spends his spare time tooting vuvuzelas and repeating the words "technical", "world class" and "tactical" as an Analyst on SBS Soccer shows. Craig Foster also goes by the name "Fozzy", "Fozz", "Fossie", "Fozzie" and "Fozzinho".

Humble Beginnings[edit | edit source]

Foster played soccer at many different levels throughout the world. Even quite shockingly the EPL which these days Foster berates for its lack of technical play. Some people and fans of Crystal Palace have given him the name "Fozzinho" (according to him). Foster was removed from the Crystal Palace squad after being found out he could not juggle a ball more than twice. He also began to talk about 'width' at an incredibly young age. His consistent aggressive behaviour to people or teams with not enough 'width' infuriated him to such an extent he went grey at the age of 17.

Presenting Career[edit | edit source]

Once Foster retired from soccer he took the up the usual role in sporting commentary with SBS. However viewers were not impressed by Foster or even co-presenter Ned Zelic who is still trying to find the most comfortable seating position known to man.

Big Break[edit | edit source]

Foster's watershed moment came in 2006 when interviewing Ange Postecoglou about his 9425189th failure to qualify for a tournament. Foster simply technically and tactically savaged Ange with big statements like "Look Ange I'm not technically or tactically here to be your friend in all technicality" and "Ange I don't tactically need to come to your technical training, I've seen the technical and tactical results". In the space of 15 minutes the legend of "Fozzy" was born and Ange Postecoglu and his untechnical ways of thinking were put out to pasture.

Present Day[edit | edit source]

These days one can find Foster every Monday on The World Game talking about the technical and tactical brilliance of every single South American, Dutch and German football player walking the earth. He will often come up with the usual tirade on how Australia must change its footballing ideals. After a few hours of all this valuable insight if any time remains Foster will bag the long ball style of play to further reinforce his point of playing ''technical football'' and endorsing "Joga Bonito" regardless of any situation. In July 2010 Craig Foster in an interview with Pim Verbeek spat coffee into Verbeeks eyes causing FIFA officials to restrain Foster and sentence him to 3 days in a South African disco voodoo lounge.He constantly attacks Melbourne Victory FC, mostly the board and their choice of coaches all be it a strong supporter of European football, Melbourne Victory are constantly in the wrong for appointing European coaches, he does back the players no matter how bad the performances are under either of the last two coaches.

Likes[edit | edit source]

Foster has many loves including:

  • Saying "Technical, Tactical & World Class (pronounced "Clarsh")"
  • Brazilians (Both types)
  • Total Football
  • The Spanish National Football Team
  • South American Football in General
  • Futsal
  • Gus Hiddink
  • Barcelona (Craig Foster unofficially married the club of FC Barcelona on June 3rd 2005)
  • Crystal Palace
  • Teams with width
  • Johnny Warren

Dislikes[edit | edit source]

By the same token Foster has discovered many things which piss off his technically brilliant tactical world class feelings:

  • Pim Verbeek
  • The Entire Nation Of South Africa
  • The Long Ball Game
  • "Negative" Football
  • 5-4-1 formation
  • The Australian National Soccer Team
  • Graham Arnold
  • Ange Postecoglou
  • Harry Kewell
  • Pim Verbeek's Family
  • Chelsea Football Club
  • Jose Mourinho
  • Scottish National Football Team
  • The Entire Nation Of Uruguay
  • Fabio Grosso
  • Julia Gillard
  • Sepp Blatter
  • Karl Stefanovic
  • Rugby League
  • Rugby Union
  • Australian Football
  • The Footy Show
  • Pim Verbeek's Ancestors
  • Frank Farina
  • Puppies
  • Jim Magilton

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

Craig Foster was found to have had sexual liaisons with Bert Newton in March 2009. Despite winning numerous Bachelor of the Year awards, Craig has often found relationships a difficult proposition. Once quizzed on the matter by Les Murray on The World Game, Craig remarked "Well Les technically I don't believe tactically that the people in the world need to know about my relationships despite my obvious good looks and history of sexuality and that is all I'll say on the matter." It is also understood that Bert became highly frustrated by Fozzinho's continual drawing of chalk circles and arrows over him during these liaisons.