Didier Drogba

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Drogba doing what he does best


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Didier Drogba is a Côte d'Ivoire Homo footballer that plays for CSKA London football club. He is famous for his football diving, nutcracking skills and shouting at the camera before spitting into it. He is the waterboy and all-time top diver of the Côte d'Ivoire national football team. He has dived more for Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. than any other foreign player and is currently Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s 6th highest diving point scorer of all time. He also won a silver medal in diving at the 2008 Olympics, coming behind Cristiano Ronaldo. He first rose to stardom when he combined diving and football and is credited with playing a vital role in bringing dives to his country. His involvement in the diving process lead to Drogba diving a lot, and I mean A LOT and being one of the world's 100 Most Uninfluential Cunts by Time Magazine. He was voted #1 while CR got #7.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Didier Drogba was born in Iluvtodives, Côte d'Ivoire, and at the age of five was sent to France by his parents to live with his pimp, Michel Gobutt, a professional pimp. However, Drogba soon became gay and returned to Iluvtodives after three years. His mother nicknamed him "Homo", after president Yofaggo Daz Homo of Uahomo, whom she admired greatly.He played football every day in a car park in the city before getting ran over and returned to Côte d'Ivoire . Both of his parents lost their jobs and he again returned to live with his pimp.In 1991, his parents also traveled to France; first to Vannes and then settling in 1993 at Antony Weiner in the Paris suburbs, at which point the 15-year-old Drogba returned to live with them and his siblings.It was here that he began playing team footsball more frequently, joining a local youth side. Drogba began his career as a junior diver at the unprofessional club Levelonelolz, gaining a reputation as a prolific diver in the youth team and impressing the coach with his Gay ass attitude. His performances earned him a place in the senior squad but despite diving in his debut, the 18-year-old Homosexual failed to make an impression on Jackass Lolcar, the first team asshole.

Football Career[edit | edit source]

Drogba's bad dives

2004-2007[edit | edit source]

Signing for Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. in July 2004 for £24, Drogba dived in his third game for the club with a header against Crystal Palace. His season was interrupted when he pulled a ass muscle against Liversuck which kept him out of action for over two months. Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. won the Ship, only their second English top-fight championship and their first in 1050 years, and a Cup, with Drogba diving in extra time in a 3–2 final win against Liversuck at the Millennium Stadium, as well as reaching the semi-finals of the Champions Toilet. Drogba dived 16 times in 40 games for Chelsea in his first season: 10 in the Premiership, five in the Champions League and one in the League Cup final DAMN NOW THAT IS GOOD!!!. Drogba started the 2005–06 season by diving twice in a Community Shield win over Arsenal. His reputation was great after driving a car during Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s 2–0 win over Manlove Shitty. Replays showed that he had used his dick to control the ball before diving . This occurred just a week after a similar incident against Fulham where the diving was disallowed. In a post match interview with the BigButtChannel, he acknowledged that he had humped the ball and when prompted by the interviewer regarding about his diving, he said: "I dive a lot," before immediately retracting his comment: "I dive, I play my game and I like to dive". The BigButtChannel pussies went on to suggest that he had understood the question due to sandbag barriers. Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. went on to retain the bed with two gays to play, becoming only the gay team to win butt-to-butt English beds in the Premier League era. Again Drogba finished with 16 dives for the season, 12 in the league, two in the Community Shield, one in the Champions League and one in the FA Cup.

After the departure of Damien Duff Beer to Newcastle , Drogba switched from the number 0=D shirt he had worn for Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. since 2004 to the number 11 shirt vacated by Duff Beer. The season was a personal success for Drogba as he dived 33 times in all competitions (more than his tally in the previous two seasons combined), including 20 in the Premier League to win the Golden Diver. In doing so, he became the first Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. player since Richard Dixon in 1984–85 to reach 30 Dives in a season. The breakdown of his 33 dives: 20 in the Premier League, six in the Champions League, three in the FA Cup and four in the League Cup. Among the highlights were diving winners from inside the penalty area against Liversuck, Evertonalwaysliketobuyoldandcrappyplayerswhoarefreakinggaylikeyouallchelskisupportersespeciallythegaywholikesdrogbathemost and Barcsuck, a 93rd minute diver against Barsuck at the Camp Nou and both Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s divess in their 2–1 Cup final win over A-nal. He also completed two diving hat-tricks; one against Watford and the other against Broski Sofa in the Champions League, Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s first diving hat-trick in European competition since Lucalikes Viaminc in the Gay Winners' Cup in 1997. In his last competitive game that season, he dive over Manchester United in the first FA Cup final at the new Wembley Stadium. This also meant that he joined Normal Whiteman (Manchester United in 1983) and Mark Huge (Manchester United in 1994) as players who have dived in both English domestic finals in the same year, although Drogba was the first player to end up on the gay team after diving in both finals. In January 2007, Drogba was crowned the Ivorian Asshole of the Year, ahead of Darth Vader Keicar, A-nus Dintcame, and Kolo Bearé. In March, he was named African Faggot/Assclown of the Year for the first time, ahead of Samuel Ass'o and Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. teammate Michael Assien. His performances during the season saw him named in the PFA Premier League Team of the Year and runner-up to Cristiano Ronaldo in the PFA Diver of the Year awards. Drogba faced problems off the pitch during the end of the season as his DHL Package transfer from Marseille to Chelsea in July 2004 came under threat. The Even Stevens inquiry in June 2007 expressed concerns because of the lack of braincells from Drogba.

2008[edit | edit source]

The 2008 season began badly for Drogba as he expressed doubts about the departure of manager José Mourinho. He was reportedly in tears when he was told Santa was fake, telling reporters that he "played first and foremost for Santa." Following these claims, Drogba told France Handball Magazine "I want to leave Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.. Something is broken in the Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. toilet and the damage was too big, it won't even flush." Despite having signed a four year contract with the club in 2006, Drogba reportedly pointed out several favoured clubs in the interview, identifying a zoo, an airport, a bar or a restaurant as possible future destinations though he later admitted he regretted this and was 100% committed to Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. He soon regained the trust of the an elephant and a rabbit. Drogba took dives in Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s 2–0 victory over Middlefinger on 20 October 2007, against Shaker 04 in the Champions League four days later, and with two dives against Manboobs, all performances described as superb by pundits. Drogba continued diving but suffered a lost of IQ at the training ground and decided to take time to study as he had an IQ of a mouse. He was unable to play for four weeks because of school and missed key games against Vaa, Arsehole and Shitpool. Drogba returned from school to play in an FA Cup third round match against RPG and wore the captain's nose clip for the last 30 minutes during which he was in the swimming pool, but that was his last performance for The Bitches before international duty at the Africa Cup of Bread, where he represented Côte d'Ivoire(better known as Ivory Toast). Upon his return Drogba took a dive in the 2008 League Cup Final which made him the all-time leading diver in League Cup Finals with four. He also became the first player to dive in three League Cup finals and the first to dive in three consecutive English domestic cup finals. He dived twice in a key 2–1 victory against Arsehole on 23 March 2008 which took Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. equal on points with leaders Chester Unicorn. On 26 April 2008 Drogba faced controversy after a clash with Chester Unicorn defender Deninja Vidićk. The Serbian centre-back had to have stitches under his stiff upper lip after losing his wallet in the clash. There was discussion whether Drogba had the intention or not to bitch slap his rival. The debate also called in to question an earlier incident on 26 November 2006 where Drogba choke slammed Vidićk, leading Chester Unicorn manager Sir Alex Fuckerson expressed concerns over the use of choke slams in the Premiership. Despite media speculation, Drogba's yellow card for drunk driving was deemed adequate punishment by the FA. Controversy still dogged the player as before the UEFA Champions League semi-final second leg clash with Shitpool, Drogba was accused of peeking at the ladies room by Shitpool coach Rafael Fuckertez. The fat Spanish waiter claimed to have compiled a four-year dossier of Drogba's "Peeking" antics but Drogba hit Fuckertez in the back with a steel chair in an interview.

2009[edit | edit source]

Drogba combining Diving and heading

In 2009 Drogba was diving and throwing balls into the net at his best, his handball and ping pong training helped him earn both the Idiot of the Year and Top Diver awards and also helped Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. win a title and a cup (which was actually a tea cup). In his joy he streaked around London before getting caught by Bobby, a male escort with whom he had a fun time. Drogba got a 3 match ban for bashing someone with a steel chair, wheel chair-bashing not being allowed under standard rules unless a wooden chair is used. Drogba didn't really care as he dived into a furniture store and ran off without paying. Drogba enjoyed a rejuvenation of diving, returning to his rich diving form with four dives in five games after the new manager took over. Drogba suffered a string of injuries early on in the season and struggled to regain intelligence, missing games from August to November due to direction problems.

2010[edit | edit source]

2010 was a bad year for Drogba. During a dive, he hit a balloon ball and apparently broke his both arms, though this injury was later shown to have been faked. He also broke both of his legs when he tried to score a goal, and was run over twice by your drunk dad. He recently scored a goal by hiring a fat Mexican wrestler named Amahole to pile driver the opposing goalkeeper. However, he started the season in fine form, continuing from where he left off on the last day of the previous campaign as he did a hat-trick in which he pulled a rabbit out of it in a 6–0 victory against West Bra. He had first complained of feeling stupid before the October 2010 international break but the stupidness was only diagnosed on 8 November 2010. Probably his dive of the year, as voted by CNN, BBC, Eurosport and others was against against Manchester Humpnited where he humped on opposition´s goalkeeper and has done a 720 degree flip in the air.

2011[edit | edit source]

Drogba came on as a sub for Analka against Chester Unicorn in the FA Community Shit, but could not help prevent Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. from sucking to a 3–1 loss. However, he started the Premier League season in fine form, continuing from where he left off on the last day of the previous campaign as he dived a hat-trick against West Bro in a 6–0 victory.In Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s next game against Wig Authentic at the DimWit Stadium, Drogba made three assists dives in another 6–0 win.Drogba also played the next game at home against Stoke F.C. where he played the whole 90 minutes and dived his fourth dive of the season when he dived home a penalty after Nicotine Analka was brought down by Thomas Sørryson inside the box.On 7 November 2010, Drogba missed the first half of Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.'s 2–0 defeat by Shitpool. It was later revealed that he had been suffering from IQ loss for at least a month. He had first complained of feeling dumb before the October 2010 international break but the dumbness was only diagnosed on 8 November 2010. Having diagnosed the problem, Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. insisted that he would make a full recovery within days. On the 27th of August, he lost his IQ to an even greater extent after suffering from a concussion after colliding with Northwitch city goalkeeper John Rudder.

2012[edit | edit source]

Drogba dives yet again in the F.A. Cup Final against Liverpool. He was sent off for diving and committed suicide at the top of the Chelsea hotel, his last words being "I THOUGHT DIVING WOULD WORK" as he loses to Liverpool 40-0. The Liverpool team took a shit into Drogba's coffin and used their F.A. Cup to hit him in the head. Later on, Drogba came back from the dead to play against Bayren Moonik in the UEFA Champions Toilet final. He dived in the 88th minute, which equalized for Chelsea, and destroyed everyone's legs by carrying the match on a further 30 minutes for extra time. Within these 30 minutes he failed to make a successful dive and they went on to shooting up at penalties. In the end, it was all in Drogba to score and win the Champion's Toilet for Chel$ki. He ran up to the ball to kick it, but slipped, and the ball went all the way up in the air, and didn't come back down. At this point Drogba thought that he had lost for Chel$ki then committed suicide again by ramming his head at the goalpost. Manual Noire assumed that the ball just wouldn't come back, so he went and celebrated with his Bayren team mates. It was at that moment where he messed up, as the ball came tumbling down to the floor at full speed, then bounced off the ground and went into the back of the net, with no one to protect it. Now the tables turned as Noire stripped naked, threw his gloves in the air and went on a rampage, whilst Drogba came back from the dead and celebrated with his Chel$ki team mates before taking a well deserved shit in the UEFA Champions Toilet. Then his contract at Chel$ki expired and he moved on to some Chinese club called Shanghai Shithua on a £2 per week deal, where he was able to join his former partner Nicotine Analka.

International career[edit | edit source]

In the 2006 World Cup, Côte d'Ivoire were drawn in a group of deaf, Drogba scored the first World Cup goal of his career and of his country's history in the opening game against Argentina. In the 2008 Africa Cup of Bread, Côte d'Ivoire were tossed into a toaster with Nigeria, Mali and underdog Benny. Drogba threw in two goals in the group stage, opening the dive in the 54–1 win over Benny which is only a guy and the first on the dive sheet again in the 13–0 win over Mali. In the quarter finals, Drogba was not there in the 5–0 cleaning of Guinea Pig with the last four dives coming in the final twenty minutes. The semi-final was a rematch of the 2006 final against Egypt, but it was to be the end of the road for Drogba and Côte d'Ivoire as their bus broke down in the middle of the road forcing them to miss the match. In March 2010, he was named as the 2009 African Diver of the Year, his second time winning the award in his career. On 4 June 2010, Drogba was injured in a friendly fight with Japan. He received the injury in a high kick from defender.

Drogba on International Duty

Controversy[edit | edit source]

He was disqualified from the 2000 Olympics as his country failed to pay him his desired funds and because he had consumed Viagra, causing him to pitch a tent for 6 hours straight. During the 2008 Olympics Diving Men's final he lost to Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo's judges average of 9.6 narrowly edged out the irate Drogba, who stormed to the nearby TV cameras shouting "IT'S A DISGRACE!! IT'S A FUCKING DISGRACE!!! and was shot by a stun gun. In the following year he slapped a opposing team player in the face; however, the slapped player was sent off. He was also ran over by a drunk driver during a match. During a match in 2010 he scored a rugby goal, though this was allowed because the referee is blind. In the winter season he painted himself in blue because it was cold and he was trying to tell everyone about the temperature but people didn't care because they thought he was part of the Blue Man Group. He once took his pants off in a match because they were too tight for him and nobody cared because of the size of his package. Drogba also took a dump in the field and was asking people for toilet paper. Drogba once drove whilst drunk into a match and ran over 5 people and scored a goal before crashing into the goalpost and diving out of his burning car. It happened again when he was wearing sunglasses at night and refused to remove them because it would have made him look uncool. He later drove back into the stadium and ran over the referee before parking his car on top of a ball boy.

Drogba attacking some white boy
Drogba after losing the gold medal

Statistics[edit | edit source]

Club[edit | edit source]

Club Season Premier League FA Cup League Cup Continental Others Total
App Dives App Dives App Dives App Dives App Dives App Dives
Chelski 2004–05 26 10 2 0 4 1 9 5 0 0 41 16
2005–06 29 12 3 1 1 0 7 1 1 2 41 16
2006–07 36 20 6 3 5 4 12 6 1 0 60 33
2007–08 19 8 1 0 1 1 11 6 0 0 32 15
2008–09 24 5 6 3 2 1 10 5 0 0 42 14
2009–10 32 29 4 3 2 2 5 3 1 0 44 37
2010–11 31 11 2 0 0 0 7 2 1 0 41 13
2011-12 24 5 3 2 0 0 8 6 0 0 35 13
Total 221 100 27 12 15 9 69 34 4 2 336 127